The Struggle Is Real

JP and I chatted and connected again on Friday. It was wonderful, scary, nerve wracking, happy, beautiful, and so much more all rolled into one night. Overall, we ended the night on the positive note. He had told me of his own volition that he loved me and missed being close to me. He also said that he was really happy that we had connected again and that he wanted to be on Team JP and Sean. Finally, he said that he wants to get where I am at. All of these made my heart swoon and got me super excited for our future.

But for me, it has been hard to remember those feelings and I'm guessing that the same goes for JP (I can't be sure though). Saturday, I was on cloud nine when I woke, but then I had this overarching loneliness and sadness that permeated my being as my demons took over. I started focusing on what didn't happen the night before. I was freaking out about he didn't really say that he was sorry for hurting me directly, even though he had stated that we both had hurt each other and recognizes that he hurt me. Then what got me the most was that he couldn't decide upon breaking up with me or trying to work things out with me. This is what is causing me the biggest hang up. This unknown of me potentially doing something wrong to hurt him and cause him to break up with me immediately is putting a lot of stress upon me. As I write and think about it, this is normal in relationships. You never know when someone will break up with you. You just hope that you see it coming and aren't blindsided.

Saturday, I spent an hour crying to my mom about the demons that came out. I told her that I just wanted a man who loves me as much as I love him; that I want a man who cares about me as much as I care about him; that I want a man who wants to help me be my best self; that I want a man who wants to work with me; and that I want a man who wants to put the same effort as me into the relationship. After crying and talking to my mom, I felt much better. I just needed to get all of my emotions and feelings out.

After my cry session, I felt the urge to text JP and ask if I could see him before my conference on Monday. He said that he would like that and work on changing his plans so that it could happen.  This got me really excited and caused me to read a bit too much into what he was saying. I thought that this showed a huge step forward, but rather it was just a small one. He wants to see me and enough that he will try to rearrange his plans and not cancel them. This needs to be ok for me and I shouldn't expect him to change his plans for me. Then when he couldn't get together with me Monday and I tried for Tuesday, and he said that he couldn't. This should have been fine as well, but it made me really sad. I need to be better at recognizing that just because he can't meet up doesn't mean that he doesn't want to or that he hates me and wants to break up with me. It just means that he is busy and that he can't change his schedule for me. There is NOTHING wrong with that. I'm just really sensitive and excited to be sort of back in his life, and I need to cool that down a bit and relax.

I know that he loves me. I know that he wants to be with me. I know that he wants to work on strengthening our relationship. I know these things because he wouldn't still be with me if he didn't love me and want to be in a relationship with me. I believe that he is just a little afraid to invest and get hurt again, which is the way that I felt after J and I broke up. Also, I believe that JP is struggling to forgive me and move past the hurt I caused him. I fully understand that because it took me some time to move past the hurt he caused me. We both were hurt tremendously and it takes everyone their own time to move forward. I need to keep reminding me of these things. I need to start being excited for the future and what could go right instead of being afraid of what could go wrong and reading into things.

I am working on being better. I want to be better for myself and for JP. I want to learn and grow. I hope that JP wants to do the same. I love him with all my heart and I want to be with him. I just need to slow down and let things go at a natural pace, but I might need to push him a bit because I don't want to feel like I am strung along. I will eventually need full commitment from him.