Precious Life

Yesterday was a hard day for me.

Yesterday a friend passed away in the worst way.

Yesterday I struggled with many emotions and cried.

Yesterday I missed JP and just wanted to have him hold me while I cried.

Yesterday my friends surrounded me with love.

Yesterday I opened up and took off my mask.

Yesterday was a time for contemplations about how precious life is. There has been a lot of human loss within in my life lately. The loss of JP. The horrific events within the LGBT community in Orlando. The questions of friendships not being what they seemed. The death of a friend. All of these losses have pushed me to think about how precious life is.

A lot of us take life for granted. I am guilty of this. Many of us go about our lives and just live without really noticing or being grateful for how wonderful our lives are. This has been me lately. I have just been living and focusing on myself and my problems. While I think that it has been necessary for me to do this because it has helped me move forward, it is also time to start noticing all of the good in my life and being grateful for the opportunities that I have and for the love from those around me. I've been a bit selfish and need to start being more selfless again.

Others out there are struggling with the desire to survive or the ability to survive. This realization makes me sad. It makes me sad that some people do not have the ability to survive because they don't have enough money for food, shelter, and protection. It makes me sad because some people feel like they are not loved, cared about, and supported. Every life is precious. Everyone deserves a chance to live life to the fullest and feel like they are loved and supported.

I wish that I could do more. I want to do more. I'm going to start reaching out to others more often with a simple hello and smile. I'm going to start talking to friends a bit more often to find out how they are truly doing. I'm going to continue to volunteer at my school's free medical clinic and volunteer more often with New York Cares. I hope that others will do the same.

Let's all work together to make this world a better place and help those in need of love, support, food, shelter, and so much more!

PS. I don't know who reads my blog anymore. I'm completely fine with that and kind of like the anonymity, but I want you all to know that I am grateful to have you in my life and supporting me. I hope that in a way that I am supporting you as well! I hope you know that your life is precious. If you ever need to talk to me about anything, feel free to email me or call me.

Right Here, Right Now

My heart was majorly broken two times within the span of two years. The end of those relationships really hurt me and with this current breakup with JP, there are times that I am struggling to get back to my old, optimistic self. I'm slowly getting there though. But I don't think I will ever be the same. A lot has changed within me in my year and a half of knowing JP. My core is still the same, but aspects of me have changed, some for the good and some for the bad. JP caused me to grow in ways that really pushed me to be better, brought out some bad coping mechanisms, prepared me to move to the next level in relationships, and taught me a lot about who I am and what I need (I'll write about this later). In many ways, I feel like I have leveled up as a person, even though I at times feel like I am careening down a mountain and falling apart. Overall, I have grown, become something greater, and gained more knowledge about myself and relationships that will allow me to be a better man, husband, and father.

Lately, I've been so focused on the future (where I want to be) and the past (what I once had), that I've neglected the present. I've let my work slide. I've lost motivation. I've lost my sense of fulfillment. I day dream all the time (only bad because it gets in the way). I've stopped doing things that I love. I've become lazy. I'm unfocused. I need to be better about focusing on the present and living in the moment. There is so much going on and that I need to accomplish that I need to remember what I am supposed to be doing, instead of remembering the past, dreaming of the future that never will be, and focusing on a future that I want.

A couple weeks ago, I read an article and this quote stood out to me.

Sometimes if we’re not yet where we want to be in life, maybe we’re right we’re supposed to be. That idea helps me keep trucking along, keep dreaming, keep working, keep rigging up problems with experimental solutions.                                         -Nicole from The Art of Simple

In my pursuit to learn from my mistakes and try to be the best boyfriend, father, husband and have the amazing life that I dream of, I have neglected the present. The ideal that I see ahead of myself isn't always the best to be focusing on. Sure it is what I want and it is a good long term goal, BUT I need to remember where I currently am at and not discouraged. Just because I'm not where I want to be in life, doesn't mean that I am not getting there. I will get to where I want to be in life. I just need to be better about being patient and learning the lessons life is giving me now. These lessons will teach me to be better and will help me get to where I want to be.

Today, I'm right where I am supposed to be. Today, I will learn something that will help me get where I want to be. Today, there will a lesson that will make me a better person. Today, I need to live in the here and now. Today will help me get to where I want to be.

5 Minute Life Check: August

I was reading a blog the other day, which posed all of the questions below (plus my answers). The blogger said that she goes through these questions monthly as fast as she can (about 5 minutes) and answers them with whatever first comes to her mind. This is supposed to help her get a sense of where she is at in life. I'm going to start doing this on a monthly basis and record my progress here. It will be interesting to see how my life changes over the coming months, because I feel like there will be a lot of growth and changes occurring.

In other news, I've started writing simple poetry to allow me to express my feelings better. It is simple and nothing great, but I might share some of my better poems here. Anyway, below are the answers to my month check.

I think… about JP--why we didn’t work out and what I could have done better

I wonder… if I’ll ever find a man to spend the rest of my life with who loves me as much as I love him

I want… to find fulfillment in all aspects of my life

I dream… that one day I will have everything that I hope for and that I can make a lasting influence in the world

I speak… about how well I’m doing, when I’m really hiding behind a mask

I act… like my heart isn’t still broken and that I’m ready to move on and start over

I honor… myself by doing what I believe to be what is right

I cry… because I am still grieving my loss

I see… a future where I no longer will be grieving

I feel… as though there is good coming around the corner

I manage… to make it through work when I really am struggling to find motivation and fulfillment

I support… my labmates, my roommates, my friends, my family, my fish, and my plants

I seek… a greater knowledge that will bring me to a better understanding of the world and life

I find… that life is continually more difficult than I expect it to be

I teach… others by example and hope that I am making this world a better place

I learn… that I still have a lot of growing to do

I am… Sean, and I am a trophy husband and a catch

I smile… because despite everything, my life is good

I love… spending time with the ones that I love

Monthly Check Questions

Here are the monthly check questions without answers (see more recent post for details)

I think…

I wonder…

I want…

I dream…

I speak…

I act…

I honor…

I cry…

I see…

I feel…

I manage…

I support…

I seek…

I find…

I teach…

I learn…

I am…

I (create your own) _____…

I love…