A lot of my unhappiness stems from the fact that I am losing the passion and drive in my life. I am stagnating and feel like I am in a rut. I am no longer passionate about science. I loath doing experiments that fail, data analysis, writing grants, reading papers, etc. I just don't enjoy it like I used to. I have been trying to figure out what it is and why I have lost my interest in it. I can't fully place my finger on it and I wish that I could so that I can fix it. Here are some of my thoughts and ideas as to why I just don't care about science anymore.
I feel like a slave and that I am never doing enough. When I was at BYU doing undergraduate research, I loved going into lab. It was always fun and I enjoyed reading papers and coming up with new ideas. I never felt like I was tied down in the lab and I could work as little or as much as I pleased. At the NIH, I didn't like my research experience very much, but I attributed that to the fact that I didn't particularly enjoy my project, my boss, and my co-workers--I could never jive and connect with them and I felt like an outsider. But as I experience graduate school more and struggle through my PhD, I am coming to realize that I didn't like my time at the NIH and research here at school because I feel like I am a slave. I am supposed to be doing experiments constantly and performing the necessary data analysis. If I am not busy, there is always this pressure to do experiments and start new ones. Then when I get the chance to read journal articles, I am too burned out to even look at science. The intellectual aspect is gone and no longer a part of research for me. I don't feel like a student and I don't feel like I can take the time to spend learning that I want to. I need to be working and producing results. Basically, I feel like I can never doing enough work and that I should always be doing more.
In that same stream of thought, I think another reason why I am unhappy is because there are no markers for success in graduate school. I have been working hard on a project for over a year, but I feel like I have nothing to show. I gave a presentation a couple months ago about my work and people were impressed, but then brought up a lot of other experiments that I need to do in order to make it even better and publishable. While this great, it makes me feel like I am not achieving anything--there is always something more to be done. Throughout my whole life, there have been markers (i.e. tests, end of semesters, grades, etc.) that have given me markers of success. Now, I have none. There is nothing to show for my work. Every day I work hard and seem to never achieve much. It's exhausting and it's causing me to burn out. I struggle to know if what I am doing is going to be worth it and if I am succeeding at it. Sigh... graduate school is just tiring me out because of the lack of success.
The last big bit of my unhappiness with my current situation lies in the fact that my passion is currently in medicine. I see my classmates that I entered with going on interviews and getting ready to start their careers while I am stuck at school. Additionally, I no longer see myself doing research on a specific disease. My passion is in primary care. I want to get involved in holistic and preventative medicine. I don't want to get caught up in sub-specialities and prescriptions. I want to stop disease before it starts, instead of treating disease once it has already been established. Disease research is at the pinnacle of sub-specialization and it is very focused on one disease and problem. I don't see a future being hyper-focused. I seem myself interacting and helping a lot of people at the bottom of the pyramid. Medicine needs to change from the bottom up and I hope to be a part of that change. Because my passion lies in medicine and there is currently not much that I can do in medicine, it is hard to come to work every day when I know that I would rather be somewhere else.
I need to figure out ways to gain passion in science again because I still have 4.5 years left in my program. I am working on being happier, but if all of this doesn't work out. I'll probably just quit, travel the world, and open a bakery.
Showing posts with label School. Show all posts
Showing posts with label School. Show all posts
It's Not Summer Anymore
It’s weird to think that it is no longer summer. I feel like I should be in school soon, but I’m not. I keep thinking it’s August, but it’s not. I want to be preparing for the next swim season, but it’s not my job anymore.
Every morning I’m surprised to see the leaves starting to change color and feel the chilly air. It’s no longer summer. It’s October, and I can scarcely believe it. Summer is over, and I am no longer a student. I tell myself, “welcome to real life” and “this is life with a career.” I’ll eventually get used to a life without school.
It just feels weird not going to school. I want to be buying textbooks and new clothes, running into friends on campus, coaching the swim team, working in Dr. Burton's research laboratory, and so much more. I miss the excitement of taking new courses, having new professors, making new friends, and seeing old friends. It makes me want to be back in school, even though I love my job. I will only be out of school for a year or two, and then I’ll be right back in school for basically the rest of my life, so I guess it’s not so bad.
In other news, I received another rejection from a medical school. I now have had 25% of the schools I applied to reject me. Oh well… There is nothing I can do about that now. Despite another rejection, I received an interview! YAY! It's at Boston University. It's a good school, but it's not MSTP so it's not as prestigious. It is also one of my back-up schools. I'm glad to know at least one of my back-up schools like me. I have an interview there Oct. 28-29 (Mollie, I expect to see you while I'm there). :)
Every morning I’m surprised to see the leaves starting to change color and feel the chilly air. It’s no longer summer. It’s October, and I can scarcely believe it. Summer is over, and I am no longer a student. I tell myself, “welcome to real life” and “this is life with a career.” I’ll eventually get used to a life without school.
It just feels weird not going to school. I want to be buying textbooks and new clothes, running into friends on campus, coaching the swim team, working in Dr. Burton's research laboratory, and so much more. I miss the excitement of taking new courses, having new professors, making new friends, and seeing old friends. It makes me want to be back in school, even though I love my job. I will only be out of school for a year or two, and then I’ll be right back in school for basically the rest of my life, so I guess it’s not so bad.
In other news, I received another rejection from a medical school. I now have had 25% of the schools I applied to reject me. Oh well… There is nothing I can do about that now. Despite another rejection, I received an interview! YAY! It's at Boston University. It's a good school, but it's not MSTP so it's not as prestigious. It is also one of my back-up schools. I'm glad to know at least one of my back-up schools like me. I have an interview there Oct. 28-29 (Mollie, I expect to see you while I'm there). :)
The First Day of School
Today is the first day of school. I'm pretty excited, yet at the same time kind of dreading it. I only have one more year left to graduate! I can't believe it! Seriously! This is the first year that I have only one class at 8 am... it feels weird... I was able to get up at 8 today. That never happens. I also forget lessons from the past today.
Never get to school later than 9 am if you want to get a parking spot that isn't five miles away from the beginnings of campus! ugh! I didn't get a parking spot and it made me so angry! My lot, let alone my traditional parking spot, was taken by some other person! Can you believe it? I can barely! It has had my name all over it for the past 3 years now... sigh... I guess times are a changing.
I've gone to my first two classes of the day. They were pretty uneventful. I know people in my first class, but I'm not really good friends with any of them. Maybe that will change and I will branch out and make some new ones. I'm not really excited for that class. Advanced Chemical Writing! Yeah, I know... Boring and probably hard. Oh well, I have to do it to graduate.
My next class was Immunology. I am way excited for this one. I have taken a liking to immunology. I don't know if it is because I work in an immunology lab, I enjoy the teacher, or if it just really interests me. What I do know is that I find it completely fascinating! I love learning how the body fights off infection and how it all works together. It is just amazing to me that the body can do so many complex things while it seems like it is pretty simple... the body is amazing!
After class, I met up with Meagan for lunch. It is her first day at the BYZOO. She seemed to be having a good day and wasn't too overwhelmed. Let's just see if she can stick with it and keep on going strong. We had a great chat at lunch and I felt old because she is now in college! I remember when she was a freshman in high school and I was a senior... I guess it's the same now that we are in college. It is still strange to me to think that it is my senior year...
Right now, I am working on my paper that was supposed to be finished in the middle of August... OOPS! Well, technically it is not my fault. I was sick for four weeks with I have no idea what and I couldn't really write, let alone think clearly. I need to get it in sometime this week so I don't get in too much trouble. I've written a lot on it and will continue to work on it... ugh! I just wish I didn't have to do it (I've also got medical school applications on top of it)! ugh! Oh well, it's good...
I'm going to keep updating this post as my day goes on... so keep on checking back for more updates on the first day of my senior year! :)
Never get to school later than 9 am if you want to get a parking spot that isn't five miles away from the beginnings of campus! ugh! I didn't get a parking spot and it made me so angry! My lot, let alone my traditional parking spot, was taken by some other person! Can you believe it? I can barely! It has had my name all over it for the past 3 years now... sigh... I guess times are a changing.
I've gone to my first two classes of the day. They were pretty uneventful. I know people in my first class, but I'm not really good friends with any of them. Maybe that will change and I will branch out and make some new ones. I'm not really excited for that class. Advanced Chemical Writing! Yeah, I know... Boring and probably hard. Oh well, I have to do it to graduate.
My next class was Immunology. I am way excited for this one. I have taken a liking to immunology. I don't know if it is because I work in an immunology lab, I enjoy the teacher, or if it just really interests me. What I do know is that I find it completely fascinating! I love learning how the body fights off infection and how it all works together. It is just amazing to me that the body can do so many complex things while it seems like it is pretty simple... the body is amazing!
After class, I met up with Meagan for lunch. It is her first day at the BYZOO. She seemed to be having a good day and wasn't too overwhelmed. Let's just see if she can stick with it and keep on going strong. We had a great chat at lunch and I felt old because she is now in college! I remember when she was a freshman in high school and I was a senior... I guess it's the same now that we are in college. It is still strange to me to think that it is my senior year...
Right now, I am working on my paper that was supposed to be finished in the middle of August... OOPS! Well, technically it is not my fault. I was sick for four weeks with I have no idea what and I couldn't really write, let alone think clearly. I need to get it in sometime this week so I don't get in too much trouble. I've written a lot on it and will continue to work on it... ugh! I just wish I didn't have to do it (I've also got medical school applications on top of it)! ugh! Oh well, it's good...
I'm going to keep updating this post as my day goes on... so keep on checking back for more updates on the first day of my senior year! :)
What To Say And Tell...
I really don't know what to say and tell! There has been so much going on in my life right now that it is totally insane. I have been really busy with school, friends, and work! I have been having so much fun since I finished my MCAT! By the way, I am supposed to get my scores back on the 2nd! I'm so excited! I hope that I got above a 35!
I have found a new love and it is... glow in the dark ultimate frisbee! It is pretty much amazing! I absolutely love it. I've played it a couple of times since I finished my MCAT and I keep craving it. I can't believe how much fun it is. My friend Margaret introduced it to me and I'm so glad that she did, but I'm so sad that she is leaving for her mission soon. She, however, promised me that we will play it a lot before she leaves so it will all be good.
Speaking of love, I know some of you might be curious about my love life and about my "forbidden lover" or "FL" as my friends like to call it. Well, nothing happened. It was essentially over before it started. We sort of went out on a date and realized that it would not work out so we just decided to be friends. We have hung out a couple of times since that first date (if you can even call it that) and it has been a blast! I'm sort of sad that it didn't work out, yet at the same time it's nice that it didn't. FL lives up in SLC so it would be difficult to have a relationship because of that. FL is also finishing a Master's in Exercise Physiology or something of the sort and then applying to medical school. Then at the same time, I haven't been in a relationship for a very long time... about a year now and I miss having someone. Oh well, I'm happy that we are still friends.
Another snippet of information is that the people in my class really hate me because I keep setting the curve really high. The first test I got a 96% while the average was a 70%. Then I know that they are really going to hate me because last night I took the second test and got 100%. Oops... Oh well, I don't really care. It's their own fault for not studying. What can I say? I'm a perfectionist and an overachiever. It's what I do. hahaha! I just hope that they don't hate me too badly because I still have to go to study groups with 5 of them...
In other news, I am coaching with the UV Rays again. They contacted me because the head coach is on vacation for a month and another coach is going to be having a baby in July so they needed help. It will only be for the summer but I'm glad to be back because I missed a lot of the kids. Also, I'm most likely going to be head coach of the Timpview swim team next year. Brian officially quit. The only problem is that instead of just hiring me as head coach, they have to open the position to everybody and do interviews for the position. Brian gave me an awesome recommendations, but I'm still kind of afraid that I won't get the job. One of the reasons why I'm afraid is due to the fact that I am very young. I'm 21 and they might see me as fresh out of high school still since I went to Timpview. They might also think that I cannot handle the job and the kids. My other fear is that I can only do it for a year (because I'm planning on going to medical school next year) and that they want someone more long term. There is nothing that I can do about either of these problems. I hope they see me for the awesome coach that I am. If I don't become head coach, I'm not going back to the team because I don't want to coach under someone who will probably be less capable than me or have a completely different coaching style than me. Let's just hope I get the job! :)
That's about it right now. I'm pretty busy with life but I'm loving it. I'm working on my medical school applications and getting all of my letters of recommendations ready. It's a fun and exciting time! I'll let you all know my scores when I get them back next week!
PS I'm reading Great Expectations by Charles Dickens at the moment and absolutely love it! I recommend it to everybody!
I have found a new love and it is... glow in the dark ultimate frisbee! It is pretty much amazing! I absolutely love it. I've played it a couple of times since I finished my MCAT and I keep craving it. I can't believe how much fun it is. My friend Margaret introduced it to me and I'm so glad that she did, but I'm so sad that she is leaving for her mission soon. She, however, promised me that we will play it a lot before she leaves so it will all be good.
Speaking of love, I know some of you might be curious about my love life and about my "forbidden lover" or "FL" as my friends like to call it. Well, nothing happened. It was essentially over before it started. We sort of went out on a date and realized that it would not work out so we just decided to be friends. We have hung out a couple of times since that first date (if you can even call it that) and it has been a blast! I'm sort of sad that it didn't work out, yet at the same time it's nice that it didn't. FL lives up in SLC so it would be difficult to have a relationship because of that. FL is also finishing a Master's in Exercise Physiology or something of the sort and then applying to medical school. Then at the same time, I haven't been in a relationship for a very long time... about a year now and I miss having someone. Oh well, I'm happy that we are still friends.
Another snippet of information is that the people in my class really hate me because I keep setting the curve really high. The first test I got a 96% while the average was a 70%. Then I know that they are really going to hate me because last night I took the second test and got 100%. Oops... Oh well, I don't really care. It's their own fault for not studying. What can I say? I'm a perfectionist and an overachiever. It's what I do. hahaha! I just hope that they don't hate me too badly because I still have to go to study groups with 5 of them...
In other news, I am coaching with the UV Rays again. They contacted me because the head coach is on vacation for a month and another coach is going to be having a baby in July so they needed help. It will only be for the summer but I'm glad to be back because I missed a lot of the kids. Also, I'm most likely going to be head coach of the Timpview swim team next year. Brian officially quit. The only problem is that instead of just hiring me as head coach, they have to open the position to everybody and do interviews for the position. Brian gave me an awesome recommendations, but I'm still kind of afraid that I won't get the job. One of the reasons why I'm afraid is due to the fact that I am very young. I'm 21 and they might see me as fresh out of high school still since I went to Timpview. They might also think that I cannot handle the job and the kids. My other fear is that I can only do it for a year (because I'm planning on going to medical school next year) and that they want someone more long term. There is nothing that I can do about either of these problems. I hope they see me for the awesome coach that I am. If I don't become head coach, I'm not going back to the team because I don't want to coach under someone who will probably be less capable than me or have a completely different coaching style than me. Let's just hope I get the job! :)
That's about it right now. I'm pretty busy with life but I'm loving it. I'm working on my medical school applications and getting all of my letters of recommendations ready. It's a fun and exciting time! I'll let you all know my scores when I get them back next week!
PS I'm reading Great Expectations by Charles Dickens at the moment and absolutely love it! I recommend it to everybody!
Annoyed
So it is finals week and everybody has decided to take over my beloved study grounds. UGH! I hate them. They drive me insane and are absolutely annoying. They take my favorite spots to study. They bring big groups of people who talk really loud in no talking zones--I don't mind them being there, but it's when they talk that puts me over the top. They take all of the computers. They bother you when you are trying to concentrate. UGH! Just shut up and leave me and my study areas alone! Please! I'm just trying to do well on my finals and study for the MCAT.
PS I totally rocked my Physiology final today--a 97%! Finals started off on a good foot! :)
PS I totally rocked my Physiology final today--a 97%! Finals started off on a good foot! :)
The MCAT
It's been a very long time since I've updated. There are so many things that I want to talk about, but so little time (I'm actually taking a break from studying for a midterm right now to write this). I'll probably do a huge post soon talking about all of the latest and greatest events in my life that have happened in the past couple of weeks, but for right now, I want to focus on the MCAT.
Oh the joys of the MCAT. The MCAT is in almost a month for me now! HOLY CRAP! I can't believe it's already coming so quickly. It seems like it was just yesterday that I started studying for it, but I've really been studying for almost three months now! A lot of people have been asking me if I'm nervous. The truth is that I'm really not very nervous at all. Sure there are a few things that I'm nervous about, but I have always known that I was meant to be a doctor and that I will go to medical school no matter what (that sounds cocky, but it's true). I have been studying really hard and I have been taking practice tests for it. So far, my best score has been a 29 (it's out of 45 for those of you who don't know). My goal score is a 35. Right now, I'm at a national average score, but my scores on the different sections do not so average at all. I'm way above average on both of the Physical Science and Biological Science sections. I'm in the 90th percentile on each of those sections. Verbal Reasoning, however, is a different story. I'm scoring in the 50th percentile. UGH! What the crap? It's so frustrating to me right now. Obviously I'm not stupid, but I just can't do the Verbal Reasoning section very well. I have been working on this and my Kaplan teacher has been helping me out with it. I'm hoping to get my score up to at least a 10 in this section. I guess it's more like I need to get my score up to a 10 in this section or else I'm not getting into medical school, even though I have a national average score.
So yeah... it's a month away and I need to seriously crack down and Verbal Reasoning and hone my skills on the Sciences to definitely get my goal score of a 35. I know that I can do it and I have a feeling that I'm going to beat it!
Well, I need to get back to studying. I still have two more test this week... :(
Oh the joys of the MCAT. The MCAT is in almost a month for me now! HOLY CRAP! I can't believe it's already coming so quickly. It seems like it was just yesterday that I started studying for it, but I've really been studying for almost three months now! A lot of people have been asking me if I'm nervous. The truth is that I'm really not very nervous at all. Sure there are a few things that I'm nervous about, but I have always known that I was meant to be a doctor and that I will go to medical school no matter what (that sounds cocky, but it's true). I have been studying really hard and I have been taking practice tests for it. So far, my best score has been a 29 (it's out of 45 for those of you who don't know). My goal score is a 35. Right now, I'm at a national average score, but my scores on the different sections do not so average at all. I'm way above average on both of the Physical Science and Biological Science sections. I'm in the 90th percentile on each of those sections. Verbal Reasoning, however, is a different story. I'm scoring in the 50th percentile. UGH! What the crap? It's so frustrating to me right now. Obviously I'm not stupid, but I just can't do the Verbal Reasoning section very well. I have been working on this and my Kaplan teacher has been helping me out with it. I'm hoping to get my score up to at least a 10 in this section. I guess it's more like I need to get my score up to a 10 in this section or else I'm not getting into medical school, even though I have a national average score.
So yeah... it's a month away and I need to seriously crack down and Verbal Reasoning and hone my skills on the Sciences to definitely get my goal score of a 35. I know that I can do it and I have a feeling that I'm going to beat it!
Well, I need to get back to studying. I still have two more test this week... :(
Tragedy
My life the past two days have been an utter tragedy! UGH! There have been so many things that have been going wrong and making life crappy. It all started yesterday...
Yesterday, I got a text from my mom telling me that I had got a package in the mail. I wasn't able to get home until 9:30 at night so I was excited all day. I knew exactly what it was--my black pair of jeans that I bought online on Saturday. I couldn't wait to get home and try them on--I have been wanting a pair of black jeans for a very long time and that is why I was so excited. I burst into the house after my MCAT class and ripped open the box. They were exactly what I wanted. I tried them on and they fit really well. I had my mom look at them to see what see thought of them. She told me that they looked good. Things, however, changed. I as I was walking to the bathroom to look in the mirror, my mom made the comment that she didn't notice how low the pockets were and that when I walked, the stitching (it being white) went into the creases of my bum. Then she changed her opinion on them. I noticed the same thing too and now I don't like them. It is a very sad story. I was utterly and completely let down.
Then today made it even worse! I had an amazing swim with Chace and had a good time doing that. Then I came to school. The first class was good. Then came the second class. We got our tests back and I felt like I did really well on the test. I look at my score and got an 81! I was so dismayed. I quickly looked over my test and the only reason was because of two stupid problems that I made mistakes on at the beginning that then ending up causing problems with the rest of the parts on that question. UGH! It made it even worse to know that I was average. I got the average score. I haven't done that since my freshman year--except when I was sick with Crohn's and admitted to the hospital (I failed a couple of tests then, but I don't count them because I was sick). It was such a tragedy and I was heart broken. I'm going to try to fit for some more points back on it.
The next tragedy came when I entered the computer lab. I decided I would look at my grades--bad idea. All of my classes that I had tests in last week, I totally rocked all of my midterms. This week I wrecked and did awful on all of them. I saw the test that I took yesterday and thought I did well on it. I got a 37/50. That really hurt. I got a C. I have never had a C on a test in my entire life! UGH! I think that the average was 36, but still! I'm average again. I'm going to that class in a minute and I don't want to go because I don't want to see my test. What made that score even worse was when I found out about my presentation I did for that class the same day. I thought I did really good on it, well the professor didn't think so. He docked me a lot of points and I barely got a 90% when the guy who went before me who didn't speak the whole time he was supposed and who couldn't answer questions got a 98%! I was really bothered with that. I answered a lot of questions and filled the whole time I was supposed to! WTF?!?!? I'm so angry and frustrated right now. I wonder if he mixed our scores up. I'm headed to that class right now, even though I don't want to. I'm not excited for happy to go. Oh well, such in life.
In other news, I'm ordering my state championship ring today, I'm going clubbing tonight, taking an MCAT practice test tomorrow, and I'm going disco roller skating tomorrow. I'm excited for all of this and hopefully it will get rid of this tragedy of my life.
Yesterday, I got a text from my mom telling me that I had got a package in the mail. I wasn't able to get home until 9:30 at night so I was excited all day. I knew exactly what it was--my black pair of jeans that I bought online on Saturday. I couldn't wait to get home and try them on--I have been wanting a pair of black jeans for a very long time and that is why I was so excited. I burst into the house after my MCAT class and ripped open the box. They were exactly what I wanted. I tried them on and they fit really well. I had my mom look at them to see what see thought of them. She told me that they looked good. Things, however, changed. I as I was walking to the bathroom to look in the mirror, my mom made the comment that she didn't notice how low the pockets were and that when I walked, the stitching (it being white) went into the creases of my bum. Then she changed her opinion on them. I noticed the same thing too and now I don't like them. It is a very sad story. I was utterly and completely let down.
Then today made it even worse! I had an amazing swim with Chace and had a good time doing that. Then I came to school. The first class was good. Then came the second class. We got our tests back and I felt like I did really well on the test. I look at my score and got an 81! I was so dismayed. I quickly looked over my test and the only reason was because of two stupid problems that I made mistakes on at the beginning that then ending up causing problems with the rest of the parts on that question. UGH! It made it even worse to know that I was average. I got the average score. I haven't done that since my freshman year--except when I was sick with Crohn's and admitted to the hospital (I failed a couple of tests then, but I don't count them because I was sick). It was such a tragedy and I was heart broken. I'm going to try to fit for some more points back on it.
The next tragedy came when I entered the computer lab. I decided I would look at my grades--bad idea. All of my classes that I had tests in last week, I totally rocked all of my midterms. This week I wrecked and did awful on all of them. I saw the test that I took yesterday and thought I did well on it. I got a 37/50. That really hurt. I got a C. I have never had a C on a test in my entire life! UGH! I think that the average was 36, but still! I'm average again. I'm going to that class in a minute and I don't want to go because I don't want to see my test. What made that score even worse was when I found out about my presentation I did for that class the same day. I thought I did really good on it, well the professor didn't think so. He docked me a lot of points and I barely got a 90% when the guy who went before me who didn't speak the whole time he was supposed and who couldn't answer questions got a 98%! I was really bothered with that. I answered a lot of questions and filled the whole time I was supposed to! WTF?!?!? I'm so angry and frustrated right now. I wonder if he mixed our scores up. I'm headed to that class right now, even though I don't want to. I'm not excited for happy to go. Oh well, such in life.
In other news, I'm ordering my state championship ring today, I'm going clubbing tonight, taking an MCAT practice test tomorrow, and I'm going disco roller skating tomorrow. I'm excited for all of this and hopefully it will get rid of this tragedy of my life.
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