I read something this weekend that really made me think about my life. It was a simple statement--remember who you wanted to be.
Remembering is powerful. Our memories can cause visceral and emotional responses to certain situations that can affect us in incomprehensible ways. The time when I was depressed caused me to have many visceral emotions from my memories that severely changed me for the worse. That was not the person that I wanted to be. As I have becoming my old self, I still need to remember who I wanted to be when I left Utah, left Washington DC, and when I came to medical school. Some parts of who I want to be have changed, but the core of who I am has not changed. I need to remember that person and not let New York change me into something that I am not. New York has been changing me since I moved here and some of these changes were an impetus for my spiraling depression. I want my memories to empower me to be a better person and move away from what I have become.
Who I have become? I feel like living in NYC has brought out the worst in me and exacerbated any insecurities and problems that I had before moving here. Since I have come to NYC, I have noticed that I'm a bit more hardened. I'm not as nice as I used to be, meaning that I'm less outgoing and friendly. I let things that random people do and say bother me. Then if my friends do something that bother me, it becomes a huge hurt and bothers me for long periods of time. Additionally, if I feel like I am putting more into a friendship or a relationship than someone else, I get annoyed and wonder if these people truly care about me. I feel like I have become more selfish and self-centered since I have moved here. Finally, I have gotten caught up in the fast-paced life of NYC. Whether it involves fun, work, and dating, my speed of life has picked up. While this can be good in some instances, it is not always good. I have found myself making compromises and doing things that I wouldn't have done before moving here.
These changes have rocked my very core and have made me unhappy and depressed. I'm slowly moving back to old my self and remembering the good, the bad, the happy, the successes, the failures, and everything about who I am and who I wanted to be.
Who did I want to be before I moved to the east coast? I wanted to be a doctor and someone who adds to a community, making the world a better place. I wanted to be someone that people could always count on and someone who is there. I wanted to live a happy, secure, and successful life. I wanted to be a caregiver to my patients, community, friends, family, and boyfriend. I wanted to help others and be as selfless as I could be, not expecting anything in return. I wanted to stay true to my Utah and Mormon heritage. I wanted to be confident and secure in my decisions and not let insecurities or past problems get in the way of my life. I wanted to continue my travels of the country and the world, and connect with nature and people in meaningful ways. I wanted to stay close to my family (and I'm realizing now that I also value being close to them in distance). Most importantly, I wanted to be a father and raise a beautiful family with my husband.
I wanted to be all of these things, and I still do. I just have to remember that this is the person that I want to be. Reminding myself of why I want to be these things and then letting my memories help me stay true to these wants. I feel like I made a U-turn and am heading down the right road to become the person that I want to be.
Showing posts with label Progress. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Progress. Show all posts
Ask Roulette
Last night, I attended an Ask Roulette event with some friends. It is a very awesome concept where you get up on stage in front of hundreds of strangers, get asked a question by a stranger that you have to respond to, and then you get to ask a question to another stranger. The questions could be lighthearted or serious, and big or small--you just have answer the question that you get called up on stage for.
As I have been working with my therapist, which has been amazing (more on this later), I have been allowing myself to become more vulnerable to the people I am close with and I have been trying to remove the "look of perfection" that I've always tried to have. Basically, I'm trying to be more open and honest with everyone and share my weaknesses with them. This experience is exactly what my therapist would want me to put myself in--I would put myself out there to share intimate and personal details with complete strangers.
When I first got there, I was unsure if I wanted to go up on stage. I watched the first act. I was laughing at some of the responses and had empathy or sympathy for others. But I saw how brave each person was and how supportive everyone was. It made me want to go up there and throw my name and question in the box. During the intermission, I went and put my question in the box and got # 948. The second act was starting and I was talking with my friends when 948 was called. I didn't hear it at first and they called my number a second time. Then my friend shout that it was me. I went up on stage and "met" Chord the person who was going to ask me a question. Chord was on the other side of the stage and there was a divider between us. I couldn't see him and he couldn't see me. I could only hear his voice and see the audience. It was a little bit scary, but I kept telling myself that it will be good and exciting for me. Plus I had all of the support of my friends and the strangers in the audience.
Chord asked me, "Would your 11 year-old self approve and be proud of who you are today?"
This question came as a shock for me. At first, I didn't know how to respond. I sat there thinking for a bit and then realized that my 11 year-old self would not approve. I told Chord and the audience that my younger self wouldn't approve of my older self. There was shock on most people's faces in the audience and I could see them wondering why I said no. I then explained how I grew up Mormon and how I am a gay male. My younger self was very much into the LDS church. At the time, I was doing everything that I could to prevent myself from doubting the teachings of the LDS church and trying to figure out why I was different than everyone else. People were very supportive and were yelling that we love and accept you, even if your younger self wouldn't. I was asked a follow-up question about when my younger self would be proud and accepting of who I am today, and I responded with between 16-18. The entire time audience was very supportive and understanding. It was a great experience.
After I answered my question, Chord left the stage and Matt got up on the stage. Matt and I were introduced. Then I asked him, "What is your most memorable childhood experience?" He told a wonderful story of going to a baseball game with his dad. After which I left the stage and the show continued on.
I have been reflecting on the experience since I got up there. Where would I be if I was keeping my 11 year-old self happy? Well, I would have served a mission. I would probably be married to a woman and have a couple children by now. I would still be very much in the LDS church and hold a calling. Most importantly, I would be unhappy. I would be making sacrifices that I wouldn't want to make (i.e. staying in the LDS church and not being true to myself as a gay male). That is a life that I would never want. Even though I have been having ups and downs, I am happy with the life that I have created for myself. Yes, it isn't perfect and it isn't what my younger self imagine, but it is a life that gives me happiness. A life that allows me to be true to myself and a life that allows me to do things for myself and for others. I wouldn't change the route that I have taken, but I might have changed some of the decisions I've made along the way.
As I have been working with my therapist, which has been amazing (more on this later), I have been allowing myself to become more vulnerable to the people I am close with and I have been trying to remove the "look of perfection" that I've always tried to have. Basically, I'm trying to be more open and honest with everyone and share my weaknesses with them. This experience is exactly what my therapist would want me to put myself in--I would put myself out there to share intimate and personal details with complete strangers.
When I first got there, I was unsure if I wanted to go up on stage. I watched the first act. I was laughing at some of the responses and had empathy or sympathy for others. But I saw how brave each person was and how supportive everyone was. It made me want to go up there and throw my name and question in the box. During the intermission, I went and put my question in the box and got # 948. The second act was starting and I was talking with my friends when 948 was called. I didn't hear it at first and they called my number a second time. Then my friend shout that it was me. I went up on stage and "met" Chord the person who was going to ask me a question. Chord was on the other side of the stage and there was a divider between us. I couldn't see him and he couldn't see me. I could only hear his voice and see the audience. It was a little bit scary, but I kept telling myself that it will be good and exciting for me. Plus I had all of the support of my friends and the strangers in the audience.
Chord asked me, "Would your 11 year-old self approve and be proud of who you are today?"
This question came as a shock for me. At first, I didn't know how to respond. I sat there thinking for a bit and then realized that my 11 year-old self would not approve. I told Chord and the audience that my younger self wouldn't approve of my older self. There was shock on most people's faces in the audience and I could see them wondering why I said no. I then explained how I grew up Mormon and how I am a gay male. My younger self was very much into the LDS church. At the time, I was doing everything that I could to prevent myself from doubting the teachings of the LDS church and trying to figure out why I was different than everyone else. People were very supportive and were yelling that we love and accept you, even if your younger self wouldn't. I was asked a follow-up question about when my younger self would be proud and accepting of who I am today, and I responded with between 16-18. The entire time audience was very supportive and understanding. It was a great experience.
After I answered my question, Chord left the stage and Matt got up on the stage. Matt and I were introduced. Then I asked him, "What is your most memorable childhood experience?" He told a wonderful story of going to a baseball game with his dad. After which I left the stage and the show continued on.
I have been reflecting on the experience since I got up there. Where would I be if I was keeping my 11 year-old self happy? Well, I would have served a mission. I would probably be married to a woman and have a couple children by now. I would still be very much in the LDS church and hold a calling. Most importantly, I would be unhappy. I would be making sacrifices that I wouldn't want to make (i.e. staying in the LDS church and not being true to myself as a gay male). That is a life that I would never want. Even though I have been having ups and downs, I am happy with the life that I have created for myself. Yes, it isn't perfect and it isn't what my younger self imagine, but it is a life that gives me happiness. A life that allows me to be true to myself and a life that allows me to do things for myself and for others. I wouldn't change the route that I have taken, but I might have changed some of the decisions I've made along the way.
Escape
A lot has transpired since J and I decided to take a break
from one another. First of all, I passed my thesis proposal on Monday! This was
a huge step and a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. I feel like this was a
huge source of my unhappiness. Since I have finished it, I don’t feel as stressed
about lab and I feel like I can start moving forward in my research. It has
been amazing to feel good and that I accomplished something worthwhile again.
I’ve missed that feeling.
Besides that, I have been going to therapy and been doing a
lot of thinking because of it. I have started to realize that I need to have
escapes from reality—these escapes help keep me balanced and centered. I’ve
always had these in the past in high school and college, but have since lost
them. These escapes can be almost anything that doesn’t feel routine to me.
These include getting lost in the world of Eorzea in Final Fantasy XIV, reading
a book, coming home to Utah, leaving the bubble I live in, escaping into
nature, leaving NYC, sitting on top of a roof, swimming in the pool, cooking/baking,
and spending quality time with friends. These escapes save me. They allow me to
remove parts of my stress and realize that the world is much bigger than
everything that is going on in my life.
I was going to move out of my current apartment in student
housing and move into an “adult” apartment within the city at the end of this
school year, but I’m not sure if that is going to happen anymore. Moving out
will significantly increase my cost of living and I won’t have as much money to
do the escapes that I want to do. I want to start going camping upstate, which
isn’t cheap. I will have to rent a car and buy some gear, but I think
sacrificing moving out of the dorm housing and spending time escaping into
nature will be better for me. Then if I could get friends to go with me, I’ll be
able to form amazing bonds with them away from the city, technology, and the
hustle and bustle of the city. I’ve decided that I need to have at least one
escape a month with or without friends.
I feel good about making more escapes in my life and other
decisions that I have been making. These active choices will bring me more
happiness and help me get back to my old self and away from the self that NYC
has transformed me into. I’m ready to be healed and the first healing is taking
place with my journey back to Zion. I’m excited to be back.
Insecure
Last Friday, J and I ended up chatting. He messaged me and we started chatting a bit. He realized that something was bothering and told me to call him. I did and we chatted about what was going on. It was a good talk and helped me to feel better about things. But it had made me realize that I have one major problem, which is probably obvious to most people. I am insecure in my relationship with J. As I have thought about this and why I got this way, I can only explain it from the initial rejection of him to be my boyfriend (and the second rejection in August solidified my insecurity) and then his subsequent emotional distance from me both times. I am typically never insecure with relationships, but I think that both of the rejections and his distance got to me. I am still having trouble trusting his love for me. Even though our relationship is much stronger, my insecurity is still present. Some weeks it is worse than others, as was the case last week. My insecurities appear to come out when I am at my weakest or when everything is going wrong. I just need to remember and trust that J loves me. I know that he does and that he wants us our relationship to work.
Now the question is how to get rid of insecurities. I know that I just need to let them go and move on, but it's much easier said than done. When I'm feeling insecure, I've decided that I'm going to actively remember all of the good things about mine and J's relationship. Additionally, this would be a good time for me to do "me time" and do the things that I need to do to bring myself back into balance. I will try to go swimming more often, get away from technology, go on a nature adventure, cook/bake something delicious, and read a good book. I know that these things help me escape and I need use them when I am at my weakest. These will remind me who I am, where I am, and my inherent worth. I'm working to remove the insecurity junk out of my life and it will allow me to have a more meaningful life and relationship.
Last week, I was expecting a lot from J without me telling him that I needed him. I told him on Sunday that I wanted him to stay in a little bit better contact with me, which he did for a while, but I didn't tell him precisely what I needed. I need to quit putting off my needs (I do this a lot and it causes problems) because I think that he won't care about them or that they will bother him and his already busy life. Telling him what I need will be the best for both of us so that he can be there for me and I can get what I need. I'm going to talk to him this weekend about how I am still insecure in our relationship. I just need to be honest with him. If he reaches out and accepts my weaknesses and is willing to help, he's a keeper (which I believe he is).
Now the question is how to get rid of insecurities. I know that I just need to let them go and move on, but it's much easier said than done. When I'm feeling insecure, I've decided that I'm going to actively remember all of the good things about mine and J's relationship. Additionally, this would be a good time for me to do "me time" and do the things that I need to do to bring myself back into balance. I will try to go swimming more often, get away from technology, go on a nature adventure, cook/bake something delicious, and read a good book. I know that these things help me escape and I need use them when I am at my weakest. These will remind me who I am, where I am, and my inherent worth. I'm working to remove the insecurity junk out of my life and it will allow me to have a more meaningful life and relationship.
Last week, I was expecting a lot from J without me telling him that I needed him. I told him on Sunday that I wanted him to stay in a little bit better contact with me, which he did for a while, but I didn't tell him precisely what I needed. I need to quit putting off my needs (I do this a lot and it causes problems) because I think that he won't care about them or that they will bother him and his already busy life. Telling him what I need will be the best for both of us so that he can be there for me and I can get what I need. I'm going to talk to him this weekend about how I am still insecure in our relationship. I just need to be honest with him. If he reaches out and accepts my weaknesses and is willing to help, he's a keeper (which I believe he is).
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