In The Dark

JP told me that he doesn't want to leave me in the dark and will let me know when he is ready to talk, but he doesn't realize that he has left me completely in the dark. Before, I had an end date. It was something that I was looking forward to, something that I knew would be happening, and something that would bring us together, something that would provide me strength to continue on, and something that would calm any uncertainty or emotional turmoil about not seeing/hearing from JP. Now, I have nothing. I don't have something to look forward to, I don't have anything to calm my emotional turmoil, I don't know what's going through JP's head, and so much more. This is worse than when we first went on break. It is really hard for me to be left in the dark and not know.

This is what I struggle with the most when it comes to JP--I don't know and he's not giving me much information to go off of. There is so much that I don't know about our relationship, where he sees us going, how he feels about me now, etc. There is so much that I didn't know before, such as what was causing him hurt, how I could help him, what he needs from me, how I could be better to him, what's going on in his head, etc. This not knowing and secrecy is what helped us get to where we are today. I can't keep not knowing. It really hurts me and causes me severe emotional turmoil. I struggle with it all the time and causes me to overreact and overthink things. I need JP to not leave me in the dark anymore and tell me things. Even if they are just small things, I need to know. I need a flashlight to find my way through the darkness so that I can find him, so that I can connect with him, so that I can love and be loved by him. We need to find each other in the darkness.

I'm debating whether or not to contact him. I myself am struggling. I know that it would do me good to contact him, but will it do him any good? I think it would be good to leave him alone for a while and let him do some thinking. If I don't hear back from him by the end of the week, maybe I'll contact him? That will give me some peace of mind and allow me to get an approximate end date. But I also want to give him a chance to do what he needs to do and to reach out to me. I need to quit being overbearing and only thinking about myself and my emotional stability. I can make this sacrifice for him and give him some time before I have to ask.