Ask Roulette

Last night, I attended an Ask Roulette event with some friends. It is a very awesome concept where you get up on stage in front of hundreds of strangers, get asked a question by a stranger that you have to respond to, and then you get to ask a question to another stranger. The questions could be lighthearted or serious, and big or small--you just have answer the question that you get called up on stage for.

As I have been working with my therapist, which has been amazing (more on this later), I have been allowing myself to become more vulnerable to the people I am close with and I have been trying to remove the "look of perfection" that I've always tried to have. Basically, I'm trying to be more open and honest with everyone and share my weaknesses with them. This experience is exactly what my therapist would want me to put myself in--I would put myself out there to share intimate and personal details with complete strangers.

When I first got there, I was unsure if I wanted to go up on stage. I watched the first act. I was laughing at some of the responses and had empathy or sympathy for others. But I saw how brave each person was and how supportive everyone was. It made me want to go up there and throw my name and question in the box. During the intermission, I went and put my question in the box and got # 948. The second act was starting and I was talking with my friends when 948 was called. I didn't hear it at first and they called my number a second time. Then my friend shout that it was me. I went up on stage and "met" Chord the person who was going to ask me a question. Chord was on the other side of the stage and there was a divider between us. I couldn't see him and he couldn't see me. I could only hear his voice and see the audience. It was a little bit scary, but I kept telling myself that it will be good and exciting for me. Plus I had all of the support of my friends and the strangers in the audience.

Chord asked me, "Would your 11 year-old self approve and be proud of who you are today?"

This question came as a shock for me. At first, I didn't know how to respond. I sat there thinking for a bit and then realized that my 11 year-old self would not approve. I told Chord and the audience that my younger self wouldn't approve of my older self. There was shock on most people's faces in the audience and I could see them wondering why I said no. I then explained how I grew up Mormon and how I am a gay male. My younger self was very much into the LDS church. At the time, I was doing everything that I could to prevent myself from doubting the teachings of the LDS church and trying to figure out why I was different than everyone else. People were very supportive and were yelling that we love and accept you, even if your younger self wouldn't. I was asked a follow-up question about when my younger self would be proud and accepting of who I am today, and I responded with between 16-18. The entire time audience was very supportive and understanding. It was a great experience.

After I answered my question, Chord left the stage and Matt got up on the stage. Matt and I were introduced. Then I asked him, "What is your most memorable childhood experience?" He told a wonderful story of going to a baseball game with his dad. After which I left the stage and the show continued on.

I have been reflecting on the experience since I got up there. Where would I be if I was keeping my 11 year-old self happy? Well, I would have served a mission. I would probably be married to a woman and have a couple children by now. I would still be very much in the LDS church and hold a calling. Most importantly, I would be unhappy. I would be making sacrifices that I wouldn't want to make (i.e. staying in the LDS church and not being true to myself as a gay male). That is a life that I would never want. Even though I have been having ups and downs, I am happy with the life that I have created for myself. Yes, it isn't perfect and it isn't what my younger self imagine, but it is a life that gives me happiness. A life that allows me to be true to myself and a life that allows me to do things for myself and for others. I wouldn't change the route that I have taken, but I might have changed some of the decisions I've made along the way.

Coming Out: The early years and accepting myself

My coming out story is a complex one. It’s hard to determine where to start because coming out for me was six years in the making. I guess that I will just start when I started to notice that I was different than other boys. This occurred at a young age for me, maybe eight? I’m not entirely sure. But I noticed it at a young age. I was always wanting to play house, Barbies, My Little Ponies, etc. with the neighborhood girls. I enjoyed that aspect of make believe over toy guns, wars, and sports. That’s not to say that I didn’t enjoy going for bike rides, roller blading, catching lizards, and typical boy activities with the neighbor boys. I guess that I had a good healthy mixture of doing both activities, but I was never as close to the boys as with the girls. I remember feeling different and awkward at times around the boys. As I grew older, most of my best friends were girls. I loved spending time with them and they tended to be more tomboys, which allowed me to be both feminine and masculine. It was a great way to grow up and helped be cultivate both my feminine and masculine sides.

I developed my first crush in fourth grade. His name was Robert. He was popular, cute, and sweet. He was one of the only popular boys who were nice to me. He would invite me to play sports with them and he would sometimes sit with me at lunch. I enjoyed his company and would think about him a lot. At the time, I thought that I just really wanted to be his friend and to become popular; however, as I have looked back, it is so obvious that I had a crush on him. I used to fantasize about hanging out with him and nobody else—being best friends. I had a crush on him for many years and other crushes developed too. They tended to be the popular boys who were the most attractive at school.

In seventh grade, I started to explore my sexuality. I discovered pornography and learned very quickly that I didn’t like straight porn. Within a couple of weeks, I found and was watching gay porn. This occurred throughout all of my teenage years with my parents catching me a couple of times, but I lied my way out it. This was the first step of my coming out process. This is when I first questioning if I was gay, but I remained in complete denial. I didn’t want it to be true. I didn’t want that to be the reason why I was different than the other boys and why I felt that I was the only Mormon who felt this way. As I grew up, I was angsty when it came to the topic of my sexuality. I would punish myself with scripture study, prayers, and service in order to get rid of the gay. I did everything that I could so that I could understand myself or change. I was in denial. I didn’t want to be gay, let alone different.

Over the years, I started to realize that I wasn’t going to change and that God wasn’t going to change me. This was when I was about sixteen. I started to be ok with the fact that I am gay. I started to call myself gay in my head. I didn’t really know what it meant though. I knew that I liked men and fantasized about them and I knew that I this was part of who I am—nothing that I could do would change that fact because I already had gone through it. My crushes became even stronger and I started to joke with friends by pretending to be gay at times. I almost ended up confessing my big secret to a guy friend, but I couldn’t do it. As I started accepting myself, I became happier and started loving life again.

I graduated from high school without coming out, but I came close to coming out to some friends a couple of times. When I entered college, things changed drastically for me. I didn’t feel the pressure to hide anymore and I was ready to reveal my secret.