Missing Him...

I've known that I'm not over JP for a long time, but I was always trying to tell myself otherwise and it's become harder to ignore it with everything that is going on right now. The truth is that I think about JP every day. Many things that I do and see remind me of him and cause me to think about him.  I don't spend hours thinking about him like I used to, but he still feels like he is very much a part of my life still, so much that I miss, love, and care about him still.

He knows that my mom has cancer, and he has been very sweet by texting and checking in to see how she and I are doing. This has been hard for me. There is nothing more than I want than for him to be there with me through this. I would love to see his smile, feel his touch, and have his support through all of this. I want him to be my confidant, my support, my help, and part of my strength. BUT none of this will happen. He's not my boyfriend and he can't give me the things that I need and want from him.

People have asked me if it's him in particular that I want or just a boyfriend and I can honestly say it is him. I'm not missing the intimacy of a boyfriend. I missing the intimacy, friendship, and love I had with JP. In fact, I have no desire to start dating and find another boyfriend. I felt like I could tell JP anything and that before we started going south, he was there to support me. People have told me to turn to my friends, which I have, but it's not the same. There is something missing from the love and support that I receive from them. I honestly just want JP back in my life.

I've been keeping my distance from him to allow me the time and space to move on, but he always keeps coming back and checking in on me, which I love and hate. It has made me confused and makes me wonder if he is missing me as well, if he is wanting to rekindle our relationship, if he has changed, if he is different than we left off, if he is trying to be just a good friend or something more, and so many other questions. I question what his motives are, because he owes nothing to me, but continues to reach out. I hate that I question him and I love that he is reaching out.

Since he has been reaching out, I asked him to chat with me sometime, which he agreed to. I'm looking forward to catching back up with him and hopefully gaining some clarity on the topic and just connect with him again. My main goal is to connect with him. I don't want to make our conversation more serious than it has to be and about my questions of his motives. I feel like talking him and seeing his actions will make his motivations clear.

Despite everything that he and I have been through, I still love him deeply and am not over him. I would love to have him back in my life, but first I would have to see that he has changed. I can't go running back into a bad relationship, especially right now because I'm emotionally exhausted and fragile with everything that is currently going on.

Is Your Mom Ok?

"Is your mom ok?"

"How is your mom doing?"

"Can I do anything for your mom?"

I get these questions asked of me almost every day from various friends and family. While I appreciate their concern, it is becoming frustrating. Frustrating because my mom's health doesn't change much day to day. Frustrating because the focus is always on her. Frustrating because a lot of people don't ask how I'm doing. Frustrating because when people do ask how I'm doing, it is always overshadowed by their concern for my mother.

I hate that I am feeling frustrated and it makes me feel a little bit selfish, but it is the truth and I shouldn't feel that way. I am not being taken care of the way that I need to be taken care of, and that is just important as taking care of my mom. 

I don't think that I've had a real conversation with anyone about how I am truly doing. When someone asks, I try to open up about my feelings a bit, but I do not pour my heart out to them. The sad part is that when I do talk about a few things, people generally never ask follow up questions. They just leave what I said and move on to my mom or to other topics. 

I really wish that I had someone to pour my heart out to. Someone that I could cry with. Someone that could tell me that it will be alright. Someone that would hold me when I become overwhelmed. Someone to get my mind off of things for a few hours. I need find someone.

My father and brother haven't been helpful. Whenever I try to talk to them, I just get more frustrated because they tell me that I should just stay in NYC if I'm stressed out. They don't understand that I'm telling them my feelings because I need their support. I can't tell my mom all of this because she isn't very strong. The last time I was in Utah and heading back to NYC, my mom broke down in tears and told me that she couldn't do this and that she wanted to give up. How can I put my own burden and struggles upon her? I can't. I have to be strong for her.

Right now, I'm left with nobody. This is one reason why I am writing again. It allows me to express my feelings and emotions. I just wish that I had someone real instead of a computer to provide the support that I need.

The T

I have not actually written down my feelings for awhile and I'm working on the changing that. I've noticed that I've been hiding behind other things like books, tv shows, movies, running, rallies, marches, and other things to keep me busy and really prevent me from processing what is going on in my life. I believe that I'm avoiding my feelings and emotions. I'm making it a goal to write on this blog every week. I'm shooting for Sunday mornings after I do my long runs.

So what's the T? What am I avoiding processing? Why am I avoiding these topics? I guess it's just best to dive in...

Over Christmas break, we found out that my mom has breast cancer. It was an extremely difficult thing to hear. It happened the Thursday before Christmas and I think in the worst way. Instead of bringing her in for an appointment, they just told her over the phone. The woman who called was very nice, but she didn't know anything about it. She said that we would have to wait until next week in order to get answers from the doctor. She gave us the shittiest Christmas present of all.

As soon as we found out, I called and changed my flight. Delta was so great and super helpful in the process. They didn't charge me any fees and upgraded me to Delta comfort. I was super impressed and highly recommend flying Delta. Anyway, I digress...

Christmas was a sad time and had a darkness over it that wouldn't go away. There was little joy in opening presents and spending time with one another. It was very difficult. The worst part was that my parents won't even be able to use the present that my brother and I gave them. We bought them tickets for a European vacation and now my mom will be going through chemotherapy instead of enjoying places that she's always wanted to go to and see. It's so depressing.

The doctor appointment that I attended went well and they were very on top of everything, which I was very impressed with. I know that she is in good hands. The other appointments that I missed seemed to go well as well from what I heard from my parents. So I have full faith and trust in the doctors.

It has been a whirlwind of a month with diagnosis and treatment already starting. I flew home to be there for her first treatment, but wasn't there nearly long enough. She really struggled and it was difficult to see her in the shape that she was in. What hurt the most is that I had to leave her in that weak state, that I couldn't be there to take care of her. She especially needed me as I was leaving because she broke down and told me that she couldn't do it anymore. That she wanted to be done. That was after the first treatment and she still has 5 more to go. My heart broke. I don't want to see her give up. I need to be strong for her.

I don't have a problem being strong for her and my family. I can do that. I can be the calm and collected one. I can be the medical person who makes sure everything is ok and I can be the mom that makes sure that my mom and family has everything that they need. I can do that.

The problem is that I can't be strong all the time. I wish that I had someone supporting me, holding me while I'm crying, telling me that everything will be ok, making dinner for me, taking me out on dates to help me forget for a time (instead of my going alone). I just need someone there. I have wonderful friends who are supporting me and I love them dearly, but they are busy as well and have their own lives. It would be so nice to have a partner in this.

A whole other post will be about how I'm missing JP a lot, but I will say that this didn't spark it, even though it has helped intensified it a bit. I wish he was still in my life and being there for me. But this isn't the case and there is no way that I want to start another relationship right now. So I just have to go through this with the support that I receive from my family and friends, which is probably the best thing for me. I need to reach out to them a little more often.

5 Minute Life Check: February

I think… that I can make it through the madness

I wonder… how my family is really doing

I want… to be home taking care of my mom

I dream… of a future where everyone will be accepted and loved

I speak… out against tyranny and hate

I act… to preserve the rights for all

I honor… my family values and the lessons I've learned

I cry… because I'm overwhelmed

I see… a lot of coming together and support

I feel… the need to speak up and act up

I manage… to make time and take care of myself

I support… my mother and all of the patients who will soon lose their healthcare

I seek… to make this world a better place

I find… it difficult to balance my current life situation and my desire to be more active in the political process

I teach… others that it is not ok to hate

I learn… from others that I still have a long way to go to be more accepting of all

I am… ok with where I am in life

I wish… that I had JP or someone at my side supporting me during this difficult time

I love… my roommate and best friend TJ because he's always been there for me and introduces me to the most wonderful people