My Top 5 Moments of 2017

I can't believe that 2017 has already come and gone. It is crazy to think that a year ago I was so afraid of what this year would entail and how I would be able to handle it. Well, I've made it through. It was a difficult, I struggled at times, and I worked really hard. However, it was a pretty great year that was full of growth and newfound joys of life. Without further ado, here are my top 5 moments of 2017, in no particular order.

NUMBER 1: Obtaining a PhD and having my manuscript accepted in Gastroenterology

I can't believe that this is now a reality. It has been six years in the making. There has been a lot of blood, sweat, and tears put into getting my PhD and it feels so great to have accomplished this extremely difficult task. I remember starting out worried that I wouldn't be able to find a good lab with a good mentor that would allow me to grow and develop the way that I wanted to, but I found him and I was extremely lucky to have him as my mentor. I couldn't have done it with him, his wife, and the lab--all of their support helped me develop into the scientist and man that I am today. After achieving the PhD, I worked hard to get my manuscript published after reviews and many revisions, it finally got accepted into Gastroenterology! I'm not sure when it will be officially published in their journal, but it should be sometime this next year.

NUMBER 2: Helping my mom through her cancer treatment regimen

This was probably the most difficult thing that I have ever done in my entire life. To see someone you love so sick and not being able to function for over a week was disheartening and depressing. Then add being the only one who was really taking care of her, trying to finish my PhD and prepare for medical school, and flying home every couple of weeks and you've got a perfect storm of sacrificing your whole self in order to make sure that you mom is taken care of. It was so hard and I felt so alone during this period. I was doing everything in my power to be the strong one, the one to take care of mom, the one to keep the family together, and the one to bear the burden of everyone. It was too much for me to handle, but I made it through. I was very happy that my mom trusted me and basically nobody else to take care of her--she knew that I would be able to do so. It says a lot of what she thinks of me. I'm grateful that I could be there for her in her time of need, because she has been there for me many times when I really needed her. The great news is that she is in remission and almost completely done with reconstruction and everything! She'll hopefully be completely back to normal in 2018!

NUMBER 3: Returning to medical school

This was six years in the making as well. During that time, I learned and forgot a lot of medicine. I went into medicine, underprepared. There was a return to medicine course that I took, which helped me gain back some of my clinical skills, but there was a HUGE knowledge gap. I had to work extremely hard to get back to the level that I was once at four years ago. I don't think that I ever got there fully, but I accomplished a lot. My first shelf exam I completely bombed it, but got amazing reviews from my resident and attending. My second shelf exam I did much better one and got amazing reviews from my residents and attending. My third/fourth shelves... MEDICINE. Medicine was a beast. It was the most difficult part of my career in schooling that I have ever done. The material that I had to know was MASSIVE and the breadth was WIDE. I felt like I had to know everything and anything about medicine. I really fell down into the pits of despair for a while with my only solace being my patients. I hated studying and I hated that I had no life outside of medicine. Towards the end of the twelve weeks rotation, I started to figure out that it wasn't worth losing my mental sanity for medicine. I started to make changes and do things for myself again. I became much happier and more like myself. Then I found out that I did amazing on my medicine shelf. I'm still waiting to get my grades from my family medicine shelf, but I felt like I did the best that I could. I survived the first six months and I can survive the next nine months, although they will be difficult.


NUMBER 4: Meeting Raccoon

I know that I've already written about Raccoon some on here and I'll just say that meeting him, becoming his friend, and falling in love with him is one of my top moments of 2017. I can't believe that it has almost been a complete year since I met him! It's amazing what a person can do and bring into your life. We've had our rough patches, but we've always stuck it out and stuck together. I know that he loves me and I love him, despite our distance and what the two of us are going through. He will always be there for me and I will always be there for him. He has helped me through some really rough times this year and brought many happy memories into my life. He has helped me change, grow, learn, and see the world in the a new light. I'm so grateful to have him in my life and hope that he will always remain in my life.

NUMBER 5: Taking LSD on two different camping trips

I'm not going to talk a lot about these two experiences, but I want to say that they were life changing. I've never done drugs before, but I have been very curious about taking hallucinogens for years now. Actually, I first became interested in it while I was at BYU. In my Sociology of Medicine class, we discussed shaman/medicine men and how they used hallucinogens to connect with their god/s, people, and the world to gain great knowledge and the ability to heal their people. I've read about others using hallucinogens to connect with and heal themselves. This year was the perfect storm of all the turmoil in my life plus returning to medicine and healing others that lead me to try it for the first time. It was amazing and learned a lot about myself, my connection to the world, and my connection to others. Both of these experiences are very sacred to me. Will I do LSD again? Most definitely! Will I do it a lot? No, probably one to two times per year. Is it safe? Yes, but read up on it and learn as much about it as you can and try to have someone with you who has done it before.

I Just Wanna Be Loved

I've been spending the past couple weeks thinking about my life and what I need. In particular, I keep returning to friendships. I had a lot of great friends who love me. I have to remind myself of this at times because I don't always feel like they love or care about me, which is especially true of my closest friends. If I don't hear from a close friend or feel like I'm putting all the effort into our friendship, I start to wonder if they even like me, if I did something wrong, or if they are using me. I don't feel loved during this time and I don't feel like they want to be around me. This is especially true when I don't hear from them and I see that they are having fun with other friends in our friend group without inviting me. I feel wronged, not cared about, and left out.

I think that these feelings stem from my issues with abandonment. When I was growing up, I had issues with keeping friends. The Smiths were my one set of friends that were always there for me. We spent so much time together playing and having a good time that I could not imagine that we were friends, and that friendship lasts until this day. The rest of my friends would come and go every couple of years. The first time that I remembered this occurring was in 4th grade. Before then, I had many great girl friends who I would always play with and spend time with. Then once we reached 4th grade, we parted ways. I struggled to make new friends and didn't find a really good set of friends until 5th grade. Then I went to middle school and my friend group stopped inviting me to things and spending time with me. I found another group that lasted throughout middle school and some of us stuck together in high school. The high school friend group that I helped form spilt in Junior year and I was left with only a few friends. College wasn't any easier for me to make friends and even after college it has been difficult to make and keep friends. All of these events has created a bad psyche and fear of abandonment within me and strong feelings of just wanting to be loved by friends and lovers.

It's an interesting dynamic because I'm perfectly content with doing a lot of things on my own. I travel by myself, I go adventuring by myself, I go out to eat by myself, I go to shows by myself, and so much more--all of which I get a lot of meaning and self-contentment. But then when I see my friends out and about with each other or telling me about their adventures, it makes me lonely and makes me jealous/feel like I am missing out or that they don't like me anymore. I'm afraid to lose those friendships and I think that the fear pushes them away along with potential lovers.

I'm realizing that I just want to be loved and feel loved. It's easy for me to throw 110% into a friendship and relationship, because I know that these people are important to me and that I love them deeply. Some people are not able to reciprocate those strong feelings or invest as much as I do in the friendships, and that's when things start to fall apart. As soon as I feel like someone is pulling away, I put more effort in and try to bring them back in, but it probably just pushes them farther away. Their perceived distance doesn't mean that they don't care about me--it could mean a multitude of various things, such as that they are busier than normal, that they have a lot on their plate, that they are going through a hard time, etc. Sometimes I just need to take a step back and allow things to happen and not read into anything.

I just wanna be loved.

I am loved.

My friends, family, and lovers love me.

People are not pulling away from me.

I did not do something to destroy the relationship.

I need to be open to the love they are willing to give me.

I need to be less demanding with the love I want to receive.

I need to be ok with receiving "less" love.

Love is here.

Love is there.

Many people love me.

I love you all.

Another Goodbye

It's time for me to let go of someone who was very important in my life the past couple months, but who has become very distant over the past month. It's the guy I was in a polyamorous relationship with. I think that things are getting too much for him to handle and that we are getting too close, which has put strain on his current relationship. We keep having conversations about us--how we get distant, how he wants us to go back to normal, how he needs to pull back, how he still wants to kiss me, etc. It's all going in circles and it's frustrating, so I need to be done. I need to let go. It's something that I don't want to do because I love him very much and want him as my friend and lover, but I know that it's not good for me. I'm no longer going to vie for his attention and try to see him as much as I have been. I'm going to cut down on my contact and make him a smaller part of my life. It's not worth it for me anymore and it's just been hurtful trying to keep myself as a relevant part of his life when he doesn't make much effort to include me. It's time to end things with a hurt and sad heart.

This is a letter I wrote him, but will never send.

Hey Raccoon,

I hope that things are going well for you and that you're being very productive on getting what you need to get done with the acquisition.

I've been thinking about you a lot since I last saw you and I just wanted to say that I miss you--I miss our regular and spontaneous dinner dates and conversations/texts about everything and nothing. I recognize that you have a lot going on between your jobs, boyfriend, and everything else on your plate and I understand the need to focus on all of those things.

Over the past 6 months that I've known you, you've inspired me in so many ways. Whenever we got together, you'd push me out of my comfort zone, open my mind to new ideas and experiences, teach me about new topics, discuss differing opinions, force me to break down medical/scientific facts, go on adventures with me, talk about the good and bad in life, support me, and so much more. The conversations were second to none. The company and activities were always the best, no matter what we were doing. You've pushed me to be a bit less introverted and less serious and more open. You've helped me become a better person and helped me through some tough times. You always made me feel good and brought a smile to my face. Our time together was always special to me, and it still is.

The truth is that what I miss the most is the companionship and inspiration you gave me, and it's been hard to lose that, but I completely understand why we haven't been as close.

I'm truly grateful for having met you and having you as a part of my life. You're truly an amazing man and I've never had a friend like you before. I love you very much, my dear friend.

Hugs,
Sean

5 Minute Life Check: August

I think… that I have found my true passion

I wonder… where my passion will lead me

I want… sleep

I dream… of meeting people in far off lands and how they would influence my life

I speak… in subpar medical jargon (need to get better)

I act… in ways that makes me doctorly

I honor… my patients by doing my best to treat them the way they deserve to be treated

I cry… for one of my patient's deaths

I see… doctors working hard every day to care for very sick patients

I feel… like medicine is where I'm meant to be

I manage… to remember facts that I learned over 4 years ago

I support… my team and do my best to help them

I seek… a greater knowledge about medicine

I find… it hard to stay awake at times

I teach… residents about things that I read/learned

I learn… about kidneys and renal disease

I am… in love with my life and people in my life

I am… exhausted every single day

I love… what I am doing

5 Minute Life Check: July

I think… that I care too much about stupid, unimportant things

I wonder… if someone special is pulling away from me

I want… to do well on my neurology clerkship

I dream… of a simple, yet fulling life

I speak… with confidence when I don't know what's going on

I act… in ways to be part of a good, strong medical team

I honor… my patients by making sure they are taken care of and that their little needs are met

I cry… because I lost something beautiful with another person and I'm not sure if it will ever go back

I see… how happy being in clinic makes me

I feel… completely exhausted by clinic and studying

I manage… to survive each day and the challenges it brings

I support… my patients and try to answer their questions

I seek… to understand how to best care for patients

I find… ways to still have fun and relax

I teach… my residents and interns about things that I know nothing about, but looked up

I learn… to impress the people who are grading me

I am… becoming a doctor

I miss… the person I was with in SF and the relationship we had before/during that time

I love… what I do

5 Minute Life Check: May

I think… that I'm ready for my thesis defense

I wonder… how difficult the defense will be

I want… to be free!

I dream… of traveling the world and eating all the delicious food

I speak… about the final experiments that I'm doing

I act… in ways for me to be more open to others

I honor… myself by focusing on what I need

I cry… for the state of our country

I see… such vibrant beauty in life and nature

I feel… like a lot of good is occurring in my life

I manage… to survive clinical refresher

I support… my roommates as they are finishing up and graduating

I seek… a deeper connection with my best friends

I find… myself in love

I teach… others experiments to aid their research

I learn… that I am sometimes really good at medicine and others times I am really bad at it

I am… ready to move on to the next phase of my life

I hope… that I will be ready (skills-wise) to return to the clinic in less than 2 months!

I love… my life.