Hiding Behind A Mask

This weekend, I had a lot of time alone in nature to think about what has happened and what got me to where I am today. A reoccurring theme that came up (due to a book I read) was that I have been wearing a mask for a good part of my life and I don't take it off very often. I feel like a lot of people wear masks and that it helps them survive. But the mask inhibits the wearer from being authentic with those around them, especially those who are close. Eventually, there can be discord between the wearer and the mask, which causes them to break down and have problems. As I've been thinking about it, this has happened time and time again in my life. I'm realizing that I can't keep wearing my masks to make me look perfect and strong, when I am imperfect and when I need help. I need to show my flaws and let them shine. Otherwise, I will not be very authentic and I will never be close to the ones I love. I guess what keeps my masks on are fears that the people I love won't support me and help me when I take them off, which has been the case in the past.

When I was a young gay lad, I was wearing the mask of golden boy. I wanted to be everyone's favorite person and do everything in my power to make everyone happy. I would do whatever I could to please others. I would be a teachers pet, do my homework, get the best grades, help around the house, read the scriptures, participate in church and class discussion, not talk back to my parents, be respectful to the neighbors, do my chores on time, and so much more. I did everything in my power to hide my feelings of attractions and weakness. I would do everything in my power to hide my flaws. I had to be perfect because that is what God expected of me, when in reality He didn't. It is what I set myself up for. I believed for a while that I needed to be a better person to overcome my homosexual desires. I soon learned that it was not the case and that God wouldn't take them from me--that he loved me for me. But I never took off my mask, except late at night and early in the morning. Sometimes the mask would consume me and make me angry. This is when it would slip off and my parents would see the tumultuous inner me that was boiling underneath my mask. Although I would quickly put it back on so that they didn't see it for long.

Since coming out, the mask isn't on as much or it isn't as extreme, BUT it is still present. I hate showing weakness, flaws, insecurities, and anything that moves my image away from perfection. I have to be the best and try to make myself seem cool and interesting as possible. Furthermore, I have to generally be right or know-it-all. I'm working on all of this. I'm recognizing this more than ever because I know that it is hindering JP and I from being in a real, loving relationship. My mask is still present and I hide parts of my true self from others around me. This mask of strength, determination, courage, all-knowing, intelligence, and so much more hides the fact that in some areas I'm weak, scared, need advice, don't know what to do, lost, confused, hurt, etc. I need to show others this more often and let them get to know the true me.

There is still discontent that occurs between me and my mask. This was most obvious with everything that went on with JP. When he first told me what he was struggling with, I told him that I wasn't strong enough to do this alone because I knew that I was not. I took my mask off for him and showed him how I truly felt. It hurt me because he told me to put it right back on. He told me that I am strong enough and that I needed to believe in myself and in him. I put my mask back on. I strived to be strong for him, but I continually failed and kept getting hurt. I told him that I wasn't strong enough to do this alone... At first, I thought that I needed him to go to therapy, but now I realized that I needed him and I needed his help, but I didn't realize it at the time or possibly think that he could give me help. Slowly, he started pulling away from me and didn't give me the help that I needed. At first, I had to pretend like I was fine. I had to show him strength and courage. But every couple of weeks, my mask slipped off and I fell apart. I would ask for help and he would give it for a time, but then he withdrew again. During this time, I needed him more than ever because I was being vulnerable and showing him my true self. I needed help. I'm sure that he really needed me more than ever as well, but we became so distant from one another that we couldn't help each other. I didn't know what was going on behind his mask and I was trying to help him understand how I was feeling. I was hurt because I had to keep putting my mask on for him when I needed his help and I didn't want to keep it on. He was hurt as well by me probably because I wasn't able to support him like he needed, but I don't know for sure how or why. I believe that this is what ultimately caused us to fall apart. We were both wearing masks and not helping one another.

Knowing that I have a mask and that still wear it makes me wonder what mask JP is wearing and what he is keeping from me. Since he extended our break, I have been extremely worried and afraid of our future. I've basically been going through hell and been doing a lot of thinking about our future. I don't know what's going through JP's mind, but I can only imagine that it is bad. His texts with me continue to be short and not full of love. I have to tell him that I love and miss him before he responds with the same. I don't think he has ever said that he loves and misses me unless I have said it first. I don't know if he's even excited to see me, if he actually misses me, and if he even wants to be with me. I know that he said that he doesn't want to end the relationship, but I'm not sure if he really believes that or wants that. I'm not sure if he knows what he wants. In particular, I'm most worried about when he said, "I can't..." If he is already thinking about what he can't do instead of what he wants to do in our relationship, I don't see it going far. I see it falling apart quickly for the same reasons above--we won't be our authentic selves and support one another in our weaknesses. I know that I can't continue to wear my mask of strength (etc.) for him while he struggles, because I'm struggling as well. I need us to work together. I need to know that he wants to be with me and give love. I need to know that he wants to bring happiness and laughter in my life. I need to know that he wants to build trust and make our relationship great. I need to know that he wants to work together and communicate with me. I need to know that he wants to be real and authentic with me and to take off his mask. If he is willing to do those things with me, I can see us going far and being together for the rest of our lives. I love him so very much and I desperately want our relationship to mend. I hope that he feels the same way.