The Hurt

I can't help myself--I constantly wonder what is going through JP's mind, especially now that I know he's still hurt and is not ready to see me, causing him to ask for more time.

Last night when I went to H and L's StarWars party, all I wanted was JP to be by my side. When I arrived, they were asking about JP and what he was doing. They wanted to know details of the Cuba opening, our next trip, and wanted to figure out a time for all of us to get together. I so desperately wanted JP at my side for that and I wanted to be able to tell them definitive answers of how Cuba was going and our next trip without skirting around the topic or using generalities. I don't know if S, L, H, and L could tell that I didn't really know. Needless to say, it was difficult. In addition as I was watch the movie, I just kept thinking about the first time I watched it with JP and loved it (even though he spoiled it for me). I remembered parts when he squeezed my hand when he was excited or shocked. I remembered his laugh at the funny moments. I remember looking over at him to see the excitement and wonder in his eyes. Last night, I didn't get to experience that. I sat alone in the corner watching the movie with distractions from L, H and E every now and then. I wish that my JP could have been there with me. I feel like this is in stark contrast to the way JP feels about me. He doesn't want me around and he's afraid to be around me. He told me the other day that he is still very hurt by everything.

I'm trying to figure out what I did to hurt him so much. I know that I was nagging him a lot to be a better boyfriend and person overall, which I believe tore down his self-esteem and parts of his emotional stability. I know that I should have been better and more understanding of him. I failed on that and I take full responsibility. But other than that, I don't know how else I've hurt him. I tried to do my best to do what he wanted me to do. When I tried to help, he would push me away. When I didn't help, didn't understand how to help, or didn't help in the right way (or support), he would get mad at me, push me away, or attack who I am as a person. I tried to give him his space to let him figure things out on his own, but I couldn't do that after a while because it was causing me emotional turmoil and I was still watching him spiral downward, albeit a slower spiral than he was on before. I felt like he needed someone there with him to help him when he needed it, but I probably wasn't helping in the right way. That is why I thought therapy or having him talk to someone else would be good for him. Maybe he is hurt because I wasn't as understanding as I could have been? The problem was that I couldn't understand what he was going through because he didn't want to talk about it and would change the topic. Maybe he is hurt because I got selfish at the end and started demanding and expecting more because I felt like he needed tough love to change. I can understand how this is hurtful, but I hope that he realizes that I was hurting as well. I was trying to get just a little out of him for what I needed in order to feel loved and cared about in our relationship. I think that this led to him being hurt because I didn't believe or feel that he loves me. I can see how painful this is. I'm sorry if I hurt him in this way, but I told him the truth. I didn't really feel loved. I felt like he was avoiding me and didn't want to see me, that he was getting fulfillment in other men, that he didn't want to help me when I needed help, that he wouldn't allow me to care for him by doing small things like cook for him and large things, and that I couldn't do anything to help him. I just felt like a title most of the time and didn't actually feel like his boyfriend.

I know that when we started dating that he went through three major life changes 1. new job, 2. new apartment and living alone, and 3. new relationship. There were a lot of problems building up the entire time and JP and I were dating. He did turn to me in the summer to discuss going on antidepressants and going to therapy again. I thought it was a great idea, and I believed that I was being supportive, but maybe I wasn't and he is hurt from that or other things that I did during that time. My major feelings are that I wish he would have discussed his hurt with me as it was occurring. I wish that we could have worked on it together while it was still a fresh, small wound and not a deeply infected wound. What I keep coming to is that it doesn't matter what the hurt is. If he and I will communicate and work together, we will be able to heal all of our wounds together. I know that this is going to be difficult for him, but I want to listen and hear his problems and struggles. I want to support him and lift him up to higher ground. I love him and want to build a life with him. The only way that we will be able to do this is through better communication. I hope that he feels the same, otherwise I'm just wasting my time.