Sacrifices

After thinking all day yesterday about my dream and the text messages that JP and exchanged, I feel strangely at peace with everything. I have a good idea where JP stands, how he feels, that he loves me, and what he's sort of going through. This is in addition to my greater understanding of how I feel about JP, our relationship, and where I believe that we are going. This peace is so strong that I believe that I will be fine with whatever JP decides what he wants to do.

One thing that has been sticking in my mind is that we both need to make sacrifices for each other, but not make sacrifices (or too many sacrifices) that cause us inner turmoil. In particular, we need to make the correct sacrifices that best help the other person, ourselves, and our relationship. I believe that we were both making the wrong sacrifices or not making any sacrifices at all at times. The problems with our sacrifices, among other issues, are what helped destroy the relationship. I think that JP started to make a lot of sacrifices that weren't good for him when he first asked me to be his boyfriend, and these sacrifices continued throughout the ensuing months. The problem was that I didn't realize that he was making all of these sacrifices for me until he told me in November that he was struggling to keep up with my demanding schedule and that he needed to start focusing on himself. I still don't fully know, understand, or comprehend what sacrifices he was making and how it effected him. I want to understand though. I want to know what was causing him so many problems and I need specific examples, not generalities. I need to talk with him and gain better understanding, so that we can make our relationship better.

After he told me his feelings, I started making sacrifices in order to be better for him. I stopped doing some of the things that I loved doing for him (e.g. making him breakfast on weekends). I started following his more relaxed schedule on the weekend. I stopped planning formal activities for the weekends. I stopped cooking, baking, and going to bakeries or restaurants with him. I gave him his distance and let him cancel on me a lot when I wanted to be closer to him and to spend time with him. I gave up trying to take care of him because he seemed to get mad at me when I tried to. These were very difficult for me to give up, but it never felt like it was enough. I felt like I needed to give up more for him to be happy for him to want to be around me. Also, I felt like I had to not care about how it made me feel. I'm sure that he gave up a lot of what he loved to do to be with me as well and that he continued to give up things while he was going through hell. That's not the way it is supposed to be. We aren't supposed to give up everything to make each other happy. We should be giving and taking, and it should be close to equal.

All of these sacrifices, especially of giving up things that are part of my core persona, was hard for me and caused me a lot of inner turmoil. Because I felt like I could not help JP, that I could not give up enough for him, that I could not please him anymore, and that he was pulling away from me, I became sad and confused with our relationship. For a long time, I was afraid to tell him these things. I wasn't sure how to proceed forward. I believe that there were times I tried to tell him, but I felt like my words fell on deaf ears or that he could stop doing things after I told him things were getting better. This is when things really started to come to a head for me probably in the middle of February. I started to take my own initiative, stopped making as many sacrifices, and attempted to make him start making sacrifices for me again. Namely, I became selfish and started doing what I needed to become healthy and tried to get JP to do what I thought would be healthy for our relationship. In reality it was what I thought would be good for me and not him. I became more demanding and would badger him a lot on how he needs to help me and how he needs to take care of me. I hadn't been feeling like I had been taken care of in about 4 months and that I felt like I was always pandering to JP and trying to make him happy. I don't know if I ever expressed that to him, but I know that I did tell him what he needed to do to be a better boyfriend. I even did that at the time when we were discussing our break--he just sat there and took it. It was horrible of me.

This break has been good though because it has really opened my eyes to our situation. It has made me realize that we need to find balance in our relationship. Both he and I were off balance with each other because he and I are different in some, but not all aspects. Even though we are different, it doesn't mean that we can't use our common ground and find balance. These are things that I believe we need to do to become better for one another. First, we need to communicate better and not be afraid to express our feelings. I need to shut my mouth and he needs to talk and express his feelings to me more. Second, we both need to be truthful and not hide our feelings. Third, we need to understand each others needs and try to fulfill those needs. Fourth, we both have to start making the correct sacrifices that are good for the relationship and each of us individually. Fifth, we need to stop making too many sacrifices that cause us inner turmoil and throw us off balance. Sixth, if and when we get off balance, we need to discuss it before it becomes a huge problem. Seventh, we need to make goals for our relationship and ourselves, and help each other reach and stay on the path of those goals. Eighth, we need to work TOGETHER and not separately if we are going to be building a life together. Ninth, we need to put our trust in one another. Finally, we need to spend time with one another in a loving environment, not tear each other down, and not have only one person in control. We need to be partners on the same team--team JP and Sean.