Moving Forward

I was able to talk with J while we were both in Utah. It was great to see him. I've missed him and thought a lot about him. Also, it was good to have closure on us so that we could both move forward. He continued to stick with what he had been saying since he first broke it off--that he needs space to figure out medical school and that he doesn't want to date me at this moment in time. While I was hoping for a different answer, I understand where he is coming from and I respect his decision. This break was important for the both us of because it allowed him to see that I wasn't the problem with his stress with medical school. For me it was good because it allowed me to grow and figure out a lot about myself. We both agreed to remain friends with potential for more in the future if the timing is right. We are both ready to move forward with our lives. I have no expectations for us to become something more, but I hope that we can remain close friends.

I feel great about the decision to move forward and be friends. He still has a lot to figure out with his life (and so do I), but I don't want to be in a relationship where someone is constantly distracted or uncomfortable in a different aspect of their life, harming our relationship--I deserve more than that and so does he. I'm also going to be focusing on me and making sure that my life is fully put together before I enter a relationship. The first half of this year is going to be mainly for me and working on myself. I want to be stronger than I have ever been and fully sure of myself. I have been working on my insecurities and weaknesses in therapy and feel like I am becoming a better, stronger person. I can't wait to see what I will become and what J will become. I keep saying that we will become what we are meant to become and I believe that more than ever now. Hopefully, we will stay close and I wouldn't mind being more as long as we are both ready.

He has been making some effort to remain close to me. He wished me a happy birthday, which was nice and we chat back and forth every now and then. Hopefully this will continue. I know that I'm not going to put all of the effort into friendship. Eventually if I stop hearing from him, I'll let him come to me and let him show me that he wants to be my friend in return. I've made it a goal this year to not do all the chasing in my relationships, which also includes friendships. I don't want to be the only one to put in all of the effort.

This all being said about me focusing on myself and moving forward, I do have a potential guy that has shown interest in me and who I am also interested in. He is another gay Mormon from Utah and living in Astoria. He is a little older than me, but I'm perfectly fine with that. He works in medicine, and is intelligent, funny, cute, and kind. I met him through some friends and he has recently joined our friend group and we have a great time together with friends. I'm trying to figure out things and decide what to do. I'm not sure if I'm ready to enter into a relationship and I'm not sure if I just want to be friends with him. What I do know is that I am going to move forward with my life and figure things out. If he and I become something more, great. If he and I just become good friends, awesome. I have no expectations with him and I (similar to my lack of expectations with J and I). We will see what happens.

I know it sounds contradictory to potentially start dating someone as I was saying that I'm going to focus on me. Well, it's not. I can't pass up an opportunity to be with someone great and who I connect with, but I can prevent it from controlling my life. I'm going to take things slow and allow myself to have me time and do me. Also, I'm not going to keep waiting for J--it's unfair to me. I do love J a lot and will continue to love him, but I can't put my life on hold. He has to show me that he wants more and start building a relationship with me in order for me to stop looking for other love.

2015 is all about moving forward and finding happiness and I'm excited to see what it brings!

Goals and Resolutions for 2015

Last year was an interesting year that was full of ups and downs. The first half was mainly up, but the second half was mainly down. But overall, it was a good year and I learned a lot about life, love, the world, and myself. As I look forward to the upcoming year, my thoughts have turned to what I want to get out of life. There is a lot. I have a lot of hopes, dreams, goals, and desires for my future life, but a lot of those goals cannot be achieved within a year. I have to set-up smaller goals to eventually get to my major life goals. This next year, I'm going to work on me--work to achieve happiness and to ready myself for my life goals. Below is a list a of what I would like to accomplish and what habits I would like to gain this next year.

1. Overall sense of happiness and passion for life again... Live meaningful and full of life
2. Go camping or take a trip outside of the city at least once a month
3. Start swimming and competing regularly again
4. Work out a couple of times a week with my best friend
5. Be more open and honest with my friends and family about my struggles, sadness, happiness, gratitude, basically everything
6. Ask for help when I need it
7. Learn to better accept love and let go of others faults
8. Read a book each month
9. Start attending cooking/baking classes (do a 4 classes this year)
10. Start doing more medical work, specifically in primary care
11. Reorganize my life and remove the unnecessary clutter (i.e. physical, mental, emotional)
12. Learn to speak Spanish more fluently
13. Publish a paper by the end of the 2015/2016 school year
14. Let potential lovers do more chasing instead of me doing all the chasing
15. Allow myself to be taken care of more and quitting taking too much care of others

Currently, my major life goals are to become a primary care physician who specializes in diet, get married and have children, never sacrifice my life for my career, move back west (it's my home), explore the world around me, and to make the world a better place. This is what I want in my life and I have to be open in order to recognize what will allow me to achieve these goals. 

Here's to an amazing 2015 ahead of me and all of you!

UPDATE:
I forgot one important goal/resolution. I want use technology and social media less. I'm slowly removing myself from facebook and plan to only get on every now and then and I'm going to remove myself from my phone. I don't want to be a slave to technology and live in the moment/enjoy my life instead of living through others.