Indestructible Is Not So Easy

JP, I'm ready to see and love you again. I wanna love you like I'm indestructible.

I wrote that statement the other day and I had high hopes for our relationship, but I am realizing today that it is easier said than done. I'm not hurt by JP not wanting to take me to the show tomorrow. I'm more disappointed than anything. I was really looking forward to going because it was something that JP initially wanted to share with me, something that he loved growing up, something that could bring us closer together, something that would cause him to let his mask down and let me better understand him. I wish he saw it in the same way, but he sees it in a completely different light. JP believes that I would stir up a fight and ruin the evening and the show. He is still afraid to see me and spend time with me--that is what it all boils down to. I fully understand that it takes others different amounts of time to move past the hurt, pain, and grief of difficulties in a relationship, but the level of hurt he still seems to carry makes our future seem bleak. It makes me wonder if he will ever be able to trust me, have a good time with me, want to spend time with me, open up and share, take off his mask, tear down his wall, laugh with me, cry with me, go through good and bad times together, and ever be able to handle hurt from me again. It also makes me wonder if he will ever forgive me and let things go. Finally, it makes me wonder if he is willing to put in the work to make our relationship better.

Am I fine with his decision? That is a resounding yes. But does what he said and his decision bring up a lot of questions in my mind, especially because we were only supposed to have 1 more week of break? Yes.

Is it worth it to continue trying to make this relationship work? Does he want to try to make this relationship work? Will he work with me to make our relationship work or will I have to be the follower? Will he be willing to confront hard issues with himself, me, and our relationship? Does he want to be with someone like me or will he expect these huge changes in my person? Will he be happier with someone else? Does he want to be with someone else? Does he really love me? Will he ever open up to me? These are all questions that I have been asking myself and I've believed that they are all true. I had to because it gave me hope of a future with him.

I still have a hope for a future with him, but it is in his hands. We don't have an end date to our break now because I gave him some leeway, but I've sort of given him an ultimatum to talk to me. If I don't hear from him by May 1st, I'll charge him for my bike tour bib and assume that we have broken up. To me, his lack of contact means that he doesn't care enough about me to meet up with me and discuss a longer break, like I asked. This means that he is still too afraid to let down his guard, confront his hurt and pain, talk to me, work together to become better, come to common understanding, forgive me and himself, and so much more. I can't keep wasting my time with someone who is not ready to be in a loving relationship and work through our differences and difficulties, especially after how much love, thoughtfulness, and care I've poured into him over this break and haven't expected anything in return. I'm ready to build a life with someone. I want a family. I want to spend almost every moment with the person I love. I want to live with my lover. I can't keep waiting for someone who doesn't want that. If he doesn't want that or me, then he doesn't deserve me. I'll wait for the time being, but sooner or later, he needs to face me. Otherwise, our relationship will just end without us even saying goodbye.

This is the reality of how I am feeling, melancholy. I have hope and I have doubts. Sure I am sad that I can't see the show with JP tomorrow night. Sure I am disappointed. But I am not letting it get to me or change the way I feel about JP. I know that he needs his space still. I know that he is still struggling. I know that I am no longer struggling and ready. I can't force him to do things. I've already tried to do that and it doesn't work. I am fine with our situation right now. I just hope that JP can start to progress and want to see me soon. I still have faith and believe that JP will be willing to meet with me and confront our demons together. I believe that he wants to make our relationship better. I believe that he will eventually be ready talk with me and want to get back together. I just hope that it is sooner than later. And if it is much later, I might have to face the reality of things and move on.

Hopefully, I'll one day be able to love JP like I am indestructible, but right  now, I can only try to be better and stronger for myself and for him.