Over Christmas, I listened to a podcast that had ex-members of the LDS church discuss if they were happy outside of the church and if they would be happy inside the church if they hadn't left. I have thought about this a lot. I have come up with the conclusion that I am happy outside of the church and I am happier than I would be if I never left. Additionally, I feel like I wouldn't be fully happy if I went back. These conclusions have come from a lot of soul searching, discussion, and going to church (albeit I didn't go very often). But these are my thoughts about why I would not be happy being a full-fledged member.
When I decided to leave initially, it wasn't because I was bitter or that I disagreed with most of what the leaders were saying. I mainly disagreed with them on a few subjects that were very important to me, namely gay rights. When I left, it was a conscious decision to leave and find out what I truly believe in. After I left, I wondered if I was making the wrong decision a lot of the time. I would go back and forth about my feelings. I even went back to church off and on. Ultimately, I decided that I was not getting much out of church--it wasn't providing me any meaning and building me up in meaningful ways. I found other ways to worship and honor God and my beliefs.
After leaving, I have had my ups and downs in life, but I have generally been happy for the past six years. For the past six months or so, I have been in a down period of life and became depressed, but I went to therapy and am much happier than I have been in a long time. Anyway, I don't think that I would be as happy as I have been these past six years in the church. I would have been going through motions and trying to fit into a place where I didn't feel like I fit in. Pushing myself to fit in wouldn't have allowed me to explore and find places that I feel content, happy, and spiritual. As I have branched out, I have made great friends and have built a great community around myself. I feel like I belong, connect with, and find meaning and spirituality from the community that I built around myself. I prefer my community over the LDS community that is established. It's a place of peace and happiness for me. It has allowed me to be happy outside of the church, while still allowing myself to believe in a higher power and stay connected with the LDS church. It's a good place for me.
As I have gone back to church, I have realized that I don't get much out of it. There are times when I really need to go and I get meaning out of it, but for the most part, I don't enjoy it. I like to go when I feel like I need some spiritual guidance if I am not able to get away from the city and be in nature. I also like to go when I need perspective in my life or when I feel like I need something familiar in my life. It helps me focus on my life as a whole instead of all of the little details. I could never go back to being a member that goes every Sunday for all three blocks. I wouldn't be happy because it wouldn't be completely fulfilling and meaningful to me. Most likely, I would fill like I am trying to fit in again. That's not something that I want to do. I want to be somewhere where I can fully be myself and in a place where I don't struggle to fit in. It should be natural for me.
Am I happy outside of the LDS church? I would say yes, even though I have my ups and downs--being in the church wouldn't change that. Outside of the church, I'm at a higher level of happiness than when I was going to church regularly and it's good for me. With this all being said, I will never cut my ties with the church. I still consider myself Mormon and it is an important part of who I am as a person.
Showing posts with label Religion. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Religion. Show all posts
Ask Roulette
Last night, I attended an Ask Roulette event with some friends. It is a very awesome concept where you get up on stage in front of hundreds of strangers, get asked a question by a stranger that you have to respond to, and then you get to ask a question to another stranger. The questions could be lighthearted or serious, and big or small--you just have answer the question that you get called up on stage for.
As I have been working with my therapist, which has been amazing (more on this later), I have been allowing myself to become more vulnerable to the people I am close with and I have been trying to remove the "look of perfection" that I've always tried to have. Basically, I'm trying to be more open and honest with everyone and share my weaknesses with them. This experience is exactly what my therapist would want me to put myself in--I would put myself out there to share intimate and personal details with complete strangers.
When I first got there, I was unsure if I wanted to go up on stage. I watched the first act. I was laughing at some of the responses and had empathy or sympathy for others. But I saw how brave each person was and how supportive everyone was. It made me want to go up there and throw my name and question in the box. During the intermission, I went and put my question in the box and got # 948. The second act was starting and I was talking with my friends when 948 was called. I didn't hear it at first and they called my number a second time. Then my friend shout that it was me. I went up on stage and "met" Chord the person who was going to ask me a question. Chord was on the other side of the stage and there was a divider between us. I couldn't see him and he couldn't see me. I could only hear his voice and see the audience. It was a little bit scary, but I kept telling myself that it will be good and exciting for me. Plus I had all of the support of my friends and the strangers in the audience.
Chord asked me, "Would your 11 year-old self approve and be proud of who you are today?"
This question came as a shock for me. At first, I didn't know how to respond. I sat there thinking for a bit and then realized that my 11 year-old self would not approve. I told Chord and the audience that my younger self wouldn't approve of my older self. There was shock on most people's faces in the audience and I could see them wondering why I said no. I then explained how I grew up Mormon and how I am a gay male. My younger self was very much into the LDS church. At the time, I was doing everything that I could to prevent myself from doubting the teachings of the LDS church and trying to figure out why I was different than everyone else. People were very supportive and were yelling that we love and accept you, even if your younger self wouldn't. I was asked a follow-up question about when my younger self would be proud and accepting of who I am today, and I responded with between 16-18. The entire time audience was very supportive and understanding. It was a great experience.
After I answered my question, Chord left the stage and Matt got up on the stage. Matt and I were introduced. Then I asked him, "What is your most memorable childhood experience?" He told a wonderful story of going to a baseball game with his dad. After which I left the stage and the show continued on.
I have been reflecting on the experience since I got up there. Where would I be if I was keeping my 11 year-old self happy? Well, I would have served a mission. I would probably be married to a woman and have a couple children by now. I would still be very much in the LDS church and hold a calling. Most importantly, I would be unhappy. I would be making sacrifices that I wouldn't want to make (i.e. staying in the LDS church and not being true to myself as a gay male). That is a life that I would never want. Even though I have been having ups and downs, I am happy with the life that I have created for myself. Yes, it isn't perfect and it isn't what my younger self imagine, but it is a life that gives me happiness. A life that allows me to be true to myself and a life that allows me to do things for myself and for others. I wouldn't change the route that I have taken, but I might have changed some of the decisions I've made along the way.
As I have been working with my therapist, which has been amazing (more on this later), I have been allowing myself to become more vulnerable to the people I am close with and I have been trying to remove the "look of perfection" that I've always tried to have. Basically, I'm trying to be more open and honest with everyone and share my weaknesses with them. This experience is exactly what my therapist would want me to put myself in--I would put myself out there to share intimate and personal details with complete strangers.
When I first got there, I was unsure if I wanted to go up on stage. I watched the first act. I was laughing at some of the responses and had empathy or sympathy for others. But I saw how brave each person was and how supportive everyone was. It made me want to go up there and throw my name and question in the box. During the intermission, I went and put my question in the box and got # 948. The second act was starting and I was talking with my friends when 948 was called. I didn't hear it at first and they called my number a second time. Then my friend shout that it was me. I went up on stage and "met" Chord the person who was going to ask me a question. Chord was on the other side of the stage and there was a divider between us. I couldn't see him and he couldn't see me. I could only hear his voice and see the audience. It was a little bit scary, but I kept telling myself that it will be good and exciting for me. Plus I had all of the support of my friends and the strangers in the audience.
Chord asked me, "Would your 11 year-old self approve and be proud of who you are today?"
This question came as a shock for me. At first, I didn't know how to respond. I sat there thinking for a bit and then realized that my 11 year-old self would not approve. I told Chord and the audience that my younger self wouldn't approve of my older self. There was shock on most people's faces in the audience and I could see them wondering why I said no. I then explained how I grew up Mormon and how I am a gay male. My younger self was very much into the LDS church. At the time, I was doing everything that I could to prevent myself from doubting the teachings of the LDS church and trying to figure out why I was different than everyone else. People were very supportive and were yelling that we love and accept you, even if your younger self wouldn't. I was asked a follow-up question about when my younger self would be proud and accepting of who I am today, and I responded with between 16-18. The entire time audience was very supportive and understanding. It was a great experience.
After I answered my question, Chord left the stage and Matt got up on the stage. Matt and I were introduced. Then I asked him, "What is your most memorable childhood experience?" He told a wonderful story of going to a baseball game with his dad. After which I left the stage and the show continued on.
I have been reflecting on the experience since I got up there. Where would I be if I was keeping my 11 year-old self happy? Well, I would have served a mission. I would probably be married to a woman and have a couple children by now. I would still be very much in the LDS church and hold a calling. Most importantly, I would be unhappy. I would be making sacrifices that I wouldn't want to make (i.e. staying in the LDS church and not being true to myself as a gay male). That is a life that I would never want. Even though I have been having ups and downs, I am happy with the life that I have created for myself. Yes, it isn't perfect and it isn't what my younger self imagine, but it is a life that gives me happiness. A life that allows me to be true to myself and a life that allows me to do things for myself and for others. I wouldn't change the route that I have taken, but I might have changed some of the decisions I've made along the way.
Coming Out: The early years and accepting myself
My coming out story is a complex one. It’s hard to determine
where to start because coming out for me was six years in the making. I guess
that I will just start when I started to notice that I was different than other
boys. This occurred at a young age for me, maybe eight? I’m not entirely sure.
But I noticed it at a young age. I was always wanting to play house, Barbies,
My Little Ponies, etc. with the neighborhood girls. I enjoyed that aspect of
make believe over toy guns, wars, and sports. That’s not to say that I didn’t
enjoy going for bike rides, roller blading, catching lizards, and typical boy
activities with the neighbor boys. I guess that I had a good healthy mixture of
doing both activities, but I was never as close to the boys as with the girls.
I remember feeling different and awkward at times around the boys. As I grew
older, most of my best friends were girls. I loved spending time with them and
they tended to be more tomboys, which allowed me to be both feminine and
masculine. It was a great way to grow up and helped be cultivate both my
feminine and masculine sides.
I developed my first crush in fourth grade. His name was
Robert. He was popular, cute, and sweet. He was one of the only popular boys
who were nice to me. He would invite me to play sports with them and he would
sometimes sit with me at lunch. I enjoyed his company and would think about him
a lot. At the time, I thought that I just really wanted to be his friend and to
become popular; however, as I have looked back, it is so obvious that I had a
crush on him. I used to fantasize about hanging out with him and nobody
else—being best friends. I had a crush on him for many years and other crushes
developed too. They tended to be the popular boys who were the most attractive
at school.
In seventh grade, I started to explore my sexuality. I
discovered pornography and learned very quickly that I didn’t like straight
porn. Within a couple of weeks, I found and was watching gay porn. This
occurred throughout all of my teenage years with my parents catching me a
couple of times, but I lied my way out it. This was the first step of my coming
out process. This is when I first questioning if I was gay, but I remained in
complete denial. I didn’t want it to be true. I didn’t want that to be the
reason why I was different than the other boys and why I felt that I was the
only Mormon who felt this way. As I grew up, I was angsty when it came to the
topic of my sexuality. I would punish myself with scripture study, prayers, and
service in order to get rid of the gay. I did everything that I could so that I
could understand myself or change. I was in denial. I didn’t want to be gay,
let alone different.
Over the years, I started to realize that I wasn’t going to
change and that God wasn’t going to change me. This was when I was about
sixteen. I started to be ok with the fact that I am gay. I started to call
myself gay in my head. I didn’t really know what it meant though. I knew that I
liked men and fantasized about them and I knew that I this was part of who I
am—nothing that I could do would change that fact because I already had gone
through it. My crushes became even stronger and I started to joke with friends
by pretending to be gay at times. I almost ended up confessing my big secret to
a guy friend, but I couldn’t do it. As I started accepting myself, I became
happier and started loving life again.
I graduated from high school without coming out, but I came
close to coming out to some friends a couple of times. When I entered college,
things changed drastically for me. I didn’t feel the pressure to hide anymore
and I was ready to reveal my secret.
Going Back to Church
I did it. I went back to church yesterday (now a couple weeks ago). I must say that it was a very nerve racking experience for me, but overall I think it was a decent experience. There was definitely some internal struggling yesterday morning as I was getting ready and I was trying to decide if it was worth it go. But I eventually got the courage to go.
I decided that I would show up late. That way I wouldn't have to talk to anyone when I initially arrive and then maybe chat with someone when it's over and leave. Well, my plan didn't work out so well. I arrived 5 minutes late but church hadn't started yet and the pews were mainly empty. I quickly made a beeline to the nearest bathroom. I sat in stall for awhile and I became more and more nervous. I couldn't believe how much coming back to church was affecting me. I sat there reflecting on the toilet and tried to let things go. I was worried that people would try to bring me back (more than I wanted), judge me for not taking the sacrament, not accept me because I'm gay, and so much more. I had to tell myself that it doesn't matter because I was doing it for myself and not for others. Again, I built up the courage and left the stall to find a pew. Surprisingly, church hadn't started yet and it was ten minutes past the hour, but at least there were more people now.
I sat down in an empty pew and waited for the meeting to start. As soon as I sat down, the senior missionaries spotted me and the husband came to say hello. We chatted for a bit and it seemed like he appreciated the fact that I was returning after a long time and didn't seem to put any pressure on me. He just wanted to welcome me. Church continued in its usual manner and I was surprised that it was fast Sunday because it wasn't the beginning on the month. But that was because of General Conference the next week. The bishop bore his testimony to the congregation and I didn't get much out of it. Actually, I didn't get much out of most of the testimonies that day.
However, there was one in particular that touched me. The woman who bore her testimony was Jewish and gave up everything to convert to Mormonism. This was amazing to me. In my time in NYC, I have discovered that they are many similar morals and values between Judaism and Mormonism, especially pertaining to family and community. She discussed how hard it was to leave her old faith and traditions behind to become part of a different community. She said that she missed many aspect of her old faith, especially during the high holiday season (which was when I went).
She then told a story from a Rabbi about trusting the Lord and continually taking care of yourself. The gist of the story was that a man had to take care of a bamboo plant every day for four years and then after four years, it would finally grow. The Rabbi asked the man how long it took for the plant to grow and he said a couple months. The Rabbi told him that it took four years. It is the same with us. We have to put effort into us every day to help us grow and reach our full potential. If we stop taking care of ourselves, we won't become what we want to become and we won't reach our potential and goals. Sometime it takes years of work to see growth and progress, but we must never stray from our goals, morals, and values, and never stop trying to better ourselves. This testimony was exactly what I needed to hear and made my whole church experience worth it.
Will I go back again? I think that I will. Will I start to go back regularly? I'm not sure about it. I need to go a couple more times to see if it's worth it for me. I know that I connect well with God when I'm in nature and alone. Going back to church was comforting because it was familiar, but it was harder for me to connect with God. It could have been because of my nervousness, so I definitely need to go back and see what I think. Maybe I'll end up going again this week.
I decided that I would show up late. That way I wouldn't have to talk to anyone when I initially arrive and then maybe chat with someone when it's over and leave. Well, my plan didn't work out so well. I arrived 5 minutes late but church hadn't started yet and the pews were mainly empty. I quickly made a beeline to the nearest bathroom. I sat in stall for awhile and I became more and more nervous. I couldn't believe how much coming back to church was affecting me. I sat there reflecting on the toilet and tried to let things go. I was worried that people would try to bring me back (more than I wanted), judge me for not taking the sacrament, not accept me because I'm gay, and so much more. I had to tell myself that it doesn't matter because I was doing it for myself and not for others. Again, I built up the courage and left the stall to find a pew. Surprisingly, church hadn't started yet and it was ten minutes past the hour, but at least there were more people now.
I sat down in an empty pew and waited for the meeting to start. As soon as I sat down, the senior missionaries spotted me and the husband came to say hello. We chatted for a bit and it seemed like he appreciated the fact that I was returning after a long time and didn't seem to put any pressure on me. He just wanted to welcome me. Church continued in its usual manner and I was surprised that it was fast Sunday because it wasn't the beginning on the month. But that was because of General Conference the next week. The bishop bore his testimony to the congregation and I didn't get much out of it. Actually, I didn't get much out of most of the testimonies that day.
However, there was one in particular that touched me. The woman who bore her testimony was Jewish and gave up everything to convert to Mormonism. This was amazing to me. In my time in NYC, I have discovered that they are many similar morals and values between Judaism and Mormonism, especially pertaining to family and community. She discussed how hard it was to leave her old faith and traditions behind to become part of a different community. She said that she missed many aspect of her old faith, especially during the high holiday season (which was when I went).
She then told a story from a Rabbi about trusting the Lord and continually taking care of yourself. The gist of the story was that a man had to take care of a bamboo plant every day for four years and then after four years, it would finally grow. The Rabbi asked the man how long it took for the plant to grow and he said a couple months. The Rabbi told him that it took four years. It is the same with us. We have to put effort into us every day to help us grow and reach our full potential. If we stop taking care of ourselves, we won't become what we want to become and we won't reach our potential and goals. Sometime it takes years of work to see growth and progress, but we must never stray from our goals, morals, and values, and never stop trying to better ourselves. This testimony was exactly what I needed to hear and made my whole church experience worth it.
Will I go back again? I think that I will. Will I start to go back regularly? I'm not sure about it. I need to go a couple more times to see if it's worth it for me. I know that I connect well with God when I'm in nature and alone. Going back to church was comforting because it was familiar, but it was harder for me to connect with God. It could have been because of my nervousness, so I definitely need to go back and see what I think. Maybe I'll end up going again this week.
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