I read something this weekend that really made me think about my life. It was a simple statement--remember who you wanted to be.
Remembering is powerful. Our memories can cause visceral and emotional responses to certain situations that can affect us in incomprehensible ways. The time when I was depressed caused me to have many visceral emotions from my memories that severely changed me for the worse. That was not the person that I wanted to be. As I have becoming my old self, I still need to remember who I wanted to be when I left Utah, left Washington DC, and when I came to medical school. Some parts of who I want to be have changed, but the core of who I am has not changed. I need to remember that person and not let New York change me into something that I am not. New York has been changing me since I moved here and some of these changes were an impetus for my spiraling depression. I want my memories to empower me to be a better person and move away from what I have become.
Who I have become? I feel like living in NYC has brought out the worst in me and exacerbated any insecurities and problems that I had before moving here. Since I have come to NYC, I have noticed that I'm a bit more hardened. I'm not as nice as I used to be, meaning that I'm less outgoing and friendly. I let things that random people do and say bother me. Then if my friends do something that bother me, it becomes a huge hurt and bothers me for long periods of time. Additionally, if I feel like I am putting more into a friendship or a relationship than someone else, I get annoyed and wonder if these people truly care about me. I feel like I have become more selfish and self-centered since I have moved here. Finally, I have gotten caught up in the fast-paced life of NYC. Whether it involves fun, work, and dating, my speed of life has picked up. While this can be good in some instances, it is not always good. I have found myself making compromises and doing things that I wouldn't have done before moving here.
These changes have rocked my very core and have made me unhappy and depressed. I'm slowly moving back to old my self and remembering the good, the bad, the happy, the successes, the failures, and everything about who I am and who I wanted to be.
Who did I want to be before I moved to the east coast? I wanted to be a doctor and someone who adds to a community, making the world a better place. I wanted to be someone that people could always count on and someone who is there. I wanted to live a happy, secure, and successful life. I wanted to be a caregiver to my patients, community, friends, family, and boyfriend. I wanted to help others and be as selfless as I could be, not expecting anything in return. I wanted to stay true to my Utah and Mormon heritage. I wanted to be confident and secure in my decisions and not let insecurities or past problems get in the way of my life. I wanted to continue my travels of the country and the world, and connect with nature and people in meaningful ways. I wanted to stay close to my family (and I'm realizing now that I also value being close to them in distance). Most importantly, I wanted to be a father and raise a beautiful family with my husband.
I wanted to be all of these things, and I still do. I just have to remember that this is the person that I want to be. Reminding myself of why I want to be these things and then letting my memories help me stay true to these wants. I feel like I made a U-turn and am heading down the right road to become the person that I want to be.
Happiness from Leaving
Over Christmas, I listened to a podcast that had ex-members of the LDS church discuss if they were happy outside of the church and if they would be happy inside the church if they hadn't left. I have thought about this a lot. I have come up with the conclusion that I am happy outside of the church and I am happier than I would be if I never left. Additionally, I feel like I wouldn't be fully happy if I went back. These conclusions have come from a lot of soul searching, discussion, and going to church (albeit I didn't go very often). But these are my thoughts about why I would not be happy being a full-fledged member.
When I decided to leave initially, it wasn't because I was bitter or that I disagreed with most of what the leaders were saying. I mainly disagreed with them on a few subjects that were very important to me, namely gay rights. When I left, it was a conscious decision to leave and find out what I truly believe in. After I left, I wondered if I was making the wrong decision a lot of the time. I would go back and forth about my feelings. I even went back to church off and on. Ultimately, I decided that I was not getting much out of church--it wasn't providing me any meaning and building me up in meaningful ways. I found other ways to worship and honor God and my beliefs.
After leaving, I have had my ups and downs in life, but I have generally been happy for the past six years. For the past six months or so, I have been in a down period of life and became depressed, but I went to therapy and am much happier than I have been in a long time. Anyway, I don't think that I would be as happy as I have been these past six years in the church. I would have been going through motions and trying to fit into a place where I didn't feel like I fit in. Pushing myself to fit in wouldn't have allowed me to explore and find places that I feel content, happy, and spiritual. As I have branched out, I have made great friends and have built a great community around myself. I feel like I belong, connect with, and find meaning and spirituality from the community that I built around myself. I prefer my community over the LDS community that is established. It's a place of peace and happiness for me. It has allowed me to be happy outside of the church, while still allowing myself to believe in a higher power and stay connected with the LDS church. It's a good place for me.
As I have gone back to church, I have realized that I don't get much out of it. There are times when I really need to go and I get meaning out of it, but for the most part, I don't enjoy it. I like to go when I feel like I need some spiritual guidance if I am not able to get away from the city and be in nature. I also like to go when I need perspective in my life or when I feel like I need something familiar in my life. It helps me focus on my life as a whole instead of all of the little details. I could never go back to being a member that goes every Sunday for all three blocks. I wouldn't be happy because it wouldn't be completely fulfilling and meaningful to me. Most likely, I would fill like I am trying to fit in again. That's not something that I want to do. I want to be somewhere where I can fully be myself and in a place where I don't struggle to fit in. It should be natural for me.
Am I happy outside of the LDS church? I would say yes, even though I have my ups and downs--being in the church wouldn't change that. Outside of the church, I'm at a higher level of happiness than when I was going to church regularly and it's good for me. With this all being said, I will never cut my ties with the church. I still consider myself Mormon and it is an important part of who I am as a person.
When I decided to leave initially, it wasn't because I was bitter or that I disagreed with most of what the leaders were saying. I mainly disagreed with them on a few subjects that were very important to me, namely gay rights. When I left, it was a conscious decision to leave and find out what I truly believe in. After I left, I wondered if I was making the wrong decision a lot of the time. I would go back and forth about my feelings. I even went back to church off and on. Ultimately, I decided that I was not getting much out of church--it wasn't providing me any meaning and building me up in meaningful ways. I found other ways to worship and honor God and my beliefs.
After leaving, I have had my ups and downs in life, but I have generally been happy for the past six years. For the past six months or so, I have been in a down period of life and became depressed, but I went to therapy and am much happier than I have been in a long time. Anyway, I don't think that I would be as happy as I have been these past six years in the church. I would have been going through motions and trying to fit into a place where I didn't feel like I fit in. Pushing myself to fit in wouldn't have allowed me to explore and find places that I feel content, happy, and spiritual. As I have branched out, I have made great friends and have built a great community around myself. I feel like I belong, connect with, and find meaning and spirituality from the community that I built around myself. I prefer my community over the LDS community that is established. It's a place of peace and happiness for me. It has allowed me to be happy outside of the church, while still allowing myself to believe in a higher power and stay connected with the LDS church. It's a good place for me.
As I have gone back to church, I have realized that I don't get much out of it. There are times when I really need to go and I get meaning out of it, but for the most part, I don't enjoy it. I like to go when I feel like I need some spiritual guidance if I am not able to get away from the city and be in nature. I also like to go when I need perspective in my life or when I feel like I need something familiar in my life. It helps me focus on my life as a whole instead of all of the little details. I could never go back to being a member that goes every Sunday for all three blocks. I wouldn't be happy because it wouldn't be completely fulfilling and meaningful to me. Most likely, I would fill like I am trying to fit in again. That's not something that I want to do. I want to be somewhere where I can fully be myself and in a place where I don't struggle to fit in. It should be natural for me.
Am I happy outside of the LDS church? I would say yes, even though I have my ups and downs--being in the church wouldn't change that. Outside of the church, I'm at a higher level of happiness than when I was going to church regularly and it's good for me. With this all being said, I will never cut my ties with the church. I still consider myself Mormon and it is an important part of who I am as a person.
Ask Roulette
Last night, I attended an Ask Roulette event with some friends. It is a very awesome concept where you get up on stage in front of hundreds of strangers, get asked a question by a stranger that you have to respond to, and then you get to ask a question to another stranger. The questions could be lighthearted or serious, and big or small--you just have answer the question that you get called up on stage for.
As I have been working with my therapist, which has been amazing (more on this later), I have been allowing myself to become more vulnerable to the people I am close with and I have been trying to remove the "look of perfection" that I've always tried to have. Basically, I'm trying to be more open and honest with everyone and share my weaknesses with them. This experience is exactly what my therapist would want me to put myself in--I would put myself out there to share intimate and personal details with complete strangers.
When I first got there, I was unsure if I wanted to go up on stage. I watched the first act. I was laughing at some of the responses and had empathy or sympathy for others. But I saw how brave each person was and how supportive everyone was. It made me want to go up there and throw my name and question in the box. During the intermission, I went and put my question in the box and got # 948. The second act was starting and I was talking with my friends when 948 was called. I didn't hear it at first and they called my number a second time. Then my friend shout that it was me. I went up on stage and "met" Chord the person who was going to ask me a question. Chord was on the other side of the stage and there was a divider between us. I couldn't see him and he couldn't see me. I could only hear his voice and see the audience. It was a little bit scary, but I kept telling myself that it will be good and exciting for me. Plus I had all of the support of my friends and the strangers in the audience.
Chord asked me, "Would your 11 year-old self approve and be proud of who you are today?"
This question came as a shock for me. At first, I didn't know how to respond. I sat there thinking for a bit and then realized that my 11 year-old self would not approve. I told Chord and the audience that my younger self wouldn't approve of my older self. There was shock on most people's faces in the audience and I could see them wondering why I said no. I then explained how I grew up Mormon and how I am a gay male. My younger self was very much into the LDS church. At the time, I was doing everything that I could to prevent myself from doubting the teachings of the LDS church and trying to figure out why I was different than everyone else. People were very supportive and were yelling that we love and accept you, even if your younger self wouldn't. I was asked a follow-up question about when my younger self would be proud and accepting of who I am today, and I responded with between 16-18. The entire time audience was very supportive and understanding. It was a great experience.
After I answered my question, Chord left the stage and Matt got up on the stage. Matt and I were introduced. Then I asked him, "What is your most memorable childhood experience?" He told a wonderful story of going to a baseball game with his dad. After which I left the stage and the show continued on.
I have been reflecting on the experience since I got up there. Where would I be if I was keeping my 11 year-old self happy? Well, I would have served a mission. I would probably be married to a woman and have a couple children by now. I would still be very much in the LDS church and hold a calling. Most importantly, I would be unhappy. I would be making sacrifices that I wouldn't want to make (i.e. staying in the LDS church and not being true to myself as a gay male). That is a life that I would never want. Even though I have been having ups and downs, I am happy with the life that I have created for myself. Yes, it isn't perfect and it isn't what my younger self imagine, but it is a life that gives me happiness. A life that allows me to be true to myself and a life that allows me to do things for myself and for others. I wouldn't change the route that I have taken, but I might have changed some of the decisions I've made along the way.
As I have been working with my therapist, which has been amazing (more on this later), I have been allowing myself to become more vulnerable to the people I am close with and I have been trying to remove the "look of perfection" that I've always tried to have. Basically, I'm trying to be more open and honest with everyone and share my weaknesses with them. This experience is exactly what my therapist would want me to put myself in--I would put myself out there to share intimate and personal details with complete strangers.
When I first got there, I was unsure if I wanted to go up on stage. I watched the first act. I was laughing at some of the responses and had empathy or sympathy for others. But I saw how brave each person was and how supportive everyone was. It made me want to go up there and throw my name and question in the box. During the intermission, I went and put my question in the box and got # 948. The second act was starting and I was talking with my friends when 948 was called. I didn't hear it at first and they called my number a second time. Then my friend shout that it was me. I went up on stage and "met" Chord the person who was going to ask me a question. Chord was on the other side of the stage and there was a divider between us. I couldn't see him and he couldn't see me. I could only hear his voice and see the audience. It was a little bit scary, but I kept telling myself that it will be good and exciting for me. Plus I had all of the support of my friends and the strangers in the audience.
Chord asked me, "Would your 11 year-old self approve and be proud of who you are today?"
This question came as a shock for me. At first, I didn't know how to respond. I sat there thinking for a bit and then realized that my 11 year-old self would not approve. I told Chord and the audience that my younger self wouldn't approve of my older self. There was shock on most people's faces in the audience and I could see them wondering why I said no. I then explained how I grew up Mormon and how I am a gay male. My younger self was very much into the LDS church. At the time, I was doing everything that I could to prevent myself from doubting the teachings of the LDS church and trying to figure out why I was different than everyone else. People were very supportive and were yelling that we love and accept you, even if your younger self wouldn't. I was asked a follow-up question about when my younger self would be proud and accepting of who I am today, and I responded with between 16-18. The entire time audience was very supportive and understanding. It was a great experience.
After I answered my question, Chord left the stage and Matt got up on the stage. Matt and I were introduced. Then I asked him, "What is your most memorable childhood experience?" He told a wonderful story of going to a baseball game with his dad. After which I left the stage and the show continued on.
I have been reflecting on the experience since I got up there. Where would I be if I was keeping my 11 year-old self happy? Well, I would have served a mission. I would probably be married to a woman and have a couple children by now. I would still be very much in the LDS church and hold a calling. Most importantly, I would be unhappy. I would be making sacrifices that I wouldn't want to make (i.e. staying in the LDS church and not being true to myself as a gay male). That is a life that I would never want. Even though I have been having ups and downs, I am happy with the life that I have created for myself. Yes, it isn't perfect and it isn't what my younger self imagine, but it is a life that gives me happiness. A life that allows me to be true to myself and a life that allows me to do things for myself and for others. I wouldn't change the route that I have taken, but I might have changed some of the decisions I've made along the way.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
