On A Break

It's been awhile since I have written. I have a lot that has been on my mind, but I haven't had the heart to share it all. I guess that I needed to process everything before I wrote it down.

Well, soon after I wrote my post about being insecure, J broke off our dating relationship. He told me that he couldn't handle the stresses of both a relationship and school at the same time right now, and that he needed to focus on school. He said that he could still see a future relationship with me, but that right now wasn't the right timing. When he first told me, I was doing everything that I could to convince him not to end it and to remain with me, instead of just be close friends. He stuck to his guns and left. I spent a couple weeks processing everything and I felt strangely good about his decision. I felt sad that I was losing him at this moment, but for the most part, I felt good, albeit a little bit melancholy. During this time, I realized that he made the right decision and that we needed a break from one another.

We met up after a couple weeks and went to an Affirmation Thanksgiving together. It was wonderful being with him again and I didn't feel any awkwardness. It felt normal to me and that nothing had changed. After the Thanksgiving, we drove around and talked. We had a great conversation about us and our future. I told him about my feelings towards him and everything that he said to me. It was good that I was able to get everything off my chest. We both decided to take a break, a step back to being close friends, and meet up with one another again in Utah at Christmas. I think that this will be good for us.

A break will allow us to become stronger on our own and be more ready for a relationship with one another, if we go that route again. He needs to spend time becoming more confident with medical school and I need to find happiness again--I have been terribly unhappy the past six month with all aspects of my life besides J. We will become what we are meant to become after this time apart. J is a wonderful man and I would consider myself lucky to call him mine, but if we remain only friends, I will still consider myself lucky to call him a close friend.

It's been about a month since we have been on our break and it has been difficult at times, but it has been mostly good. I have started therapy and I am learning a lot about myself, some that I already knew but didn't know how it affected those around me. I wake up most mornings thinking about J and what's going on his life and if everything is ok with him. I wonder if he is thinking about me. I went home for Thanksgiving, which was wonderful to spend time with my family and talk with them, but also melancholy. I have a lot of great memories with J in Utah and I wanted to share them with him again, but couldn't. This made me sad and nostalgic. Hopefully, I'll be able to share those memories with him again when we meet up in a couple weeks.

I miss him, but I know that things will work out and we will become what we are meant to become.

Insecure

Last Friday, J and I ended up chatting. He messaged me and we started chatting a bit. He realized that something was bothering and told me to call him. I did and we chatted about what was going on. It was a good talk and helped me to feel better about things. But it had made me realize that I have one major problem, which is probably obvious to most people. I am insecure in my relationship with J. As I have thought about this and why I got this way, I can only explain it from the initial rejection of him to be my boyfriend (and the second rejection in August solidified my insecurity) and then his subsequent emotional distance from me both times. I am typically never insecure with relationships, but I think that both of the rejections and his distance got to me. I am still having trouble trusting his love for me. Even though our relationship is much stronger, my insecurity is still present. Some weeks it is worse than others, as was the case last week. My insecurities appear to come out when I am at my weakest or when everything is going wrong. I just need to remember and trust that J loves me. I know that he does and that he wants us our relationship to work.

Now the question is how to get rid of insecurities. I know that I just need to let them go and move on, but it's much easier said than done. When I'm feeling insecure, I've decided that I'm going to actively remember all of the good things about mine and J's relationship. Additionally, this would be a good time for me to do "me time" and do the things that I need to do to bring myself back into balance. I will try to go swimming more often, get away from technology, go on a nature adventure, cook/bake something delicious, and read a good book. I know that these things help me escape and I need use them when I am at my weakest. These will remind me who I am, where I am, and my inherent worth. I'm working to remove the insecurity junk out of my life and it will allow me to have a more meaningful life and relationship.

Last week, I was expecting a lot from J without me telling him that I needed him. I told him on Sunday that I wanted him to stay in a little bit better contact with me, which he did for a while, but I didn't tell him precisely what I needed. I need to quit putting off my needs (I do this a lot and it causes problems) because I think that he won't care about them or that they will bother him and his already busy life. Telling him what I need will be the best for both of us so that he can be there for me and I can get what I need. I'm going to talk to him this weekend about how I am still insecure in our relationship. I just need to be honest with him. If he reaches out and accepts my weaknesses and is willing to help, he's a keeper (which I believe he is).