One Year: Happiness and Sadness

Today is our one year anniversary! I can't believe it has been a year already and I can't believe that we aren't together to celebrate it. There have been so many factors that have pushed us one way or another, and it makes me sad that we have pushed each other to the point where we couldn't even be together for our one year. I wish that things were different. But this break has been good and it has been eye opening.

I now believe that I was one of the major components that caused our relationship to be where it is today. I look back on what has happened. It took me awhile to fully love JP--I still wasn't fully over Jeff; I didn't want JP to be a rebound; I was afraid to get into a relationship with JP because I didn't want to be hurt again; I wasn't sure what I wanted from a relationship; and I didn't want to give my heart up to easily again. This caused a lot of undue stress upon JP. I him loved during that time, but I was too afraid to admit to myself that I wanted to be with him. He brought me so much happiness during that time and I couldn't imagine not having him in my life. Why couldn't I commit to him earlier? I think that this would have helped us get off on a better start.

Then I asked him to be my boyfriend in August. Things were good for a couple months and we had an amazing time together in Mexico. But I was naive and didn't notice the signs of JP struggling. I wasn't paying attention to him needs, watching his body language, getting him to talk, and listening to him. I was in a sort of honeymoon phase and high as a kite, I was controlling the relationship, and I was neglectful to him, whereas JP was starting his spiral downward. It makes me feel horrible to think that I missed out on helping him. I think that things started going downhill for him sometime in August or September, and I didn't even notice. I didn't even start to notice until things got bad until he was really struggling. I first noticed that there could be potential problems when we were at T's birthday. Then I started to notice more problems around Halloween. JP was doing a lot of for me and I wasn't doing as much for him. I just sort of expected him to always be around and follow my schedule--I was horrible to him. hen a week went by and we got in a fight over TO and then got in another huge fight about a lot of things. Many hurtful things were said on both parts, and I had to remove myself for a couple days to process my feelings. JP was extremely hurt by a lot of things and I again neglected to see them. I only focused on myself and my hurt--I was selfish.

Things were tenuous for about a month and we both struggled to find get our feet on the ground. Then JP  disappeared around Thanksgiving (before and after Friendsgiving). I was extremely hurt by that situation, but I felt like it finally opened my eyes. I finally saw that there were larger issues that I had been missing out on. It brought us closer together for a time and then our relationship soured again. JP didn't trust me (I still think that he doesn't trust me) and I made a lot of mistakes trying to best help him. I ignored a lot of signs and let him do what he thought best. Then when we were supposed to be together and I couldn't find him, but this time he didn't come home at all. I was hurt even worse by this. I was worried that he was injured, that he was cheating on me, that he had killed himself, that he was mugged, and that he ran away. I was so worried and angry at him. I took it out on him and it took me a long time to finally move on... It took me until sometime in January. Before I finally moved on and fully forgiven him, we had some good times and it reminded me of our old relationship. We had tons of fun with K, E, and T. We had a lovely Christmas time with each others family. We had a wonderful celebration together for his birthday. Going to Vermont was good and bad. I tried not to ignore the signs of bad things happening to JP, but I believe that I pushed him farther away.

January was a sort of better month. I finally forgave him, but I tried to stop ignoring his problems. He was telling me that he needed to focus on himself and that he would make things better. I tried to let him do that for awhile, but I saw that he needed help. I just didn't know how to properly give it to him. Everything that I did, didn't seem to work. JP was telling me very little about how to best help him. I started to feel that there was a growing rift between us--one that was similar to the rift that grew in my relationships with J and N. I didn't want that to occur again, because that rift is what ruined my past relationships. JP is different to me than both J and N. I love him so much more deeply than I ever loved them. I didn't want to let this rift destroy our relationship. As typical of me, I again started making it about me. I focused on my feelings and my struggles--how JP had changed and wasn't willing to give me what I needed. In my own messed up way, I believed that if I helped him to see how he has changed and how it is effecting me, that he would want to go back to our old relationship, which wasn't as good for him as it was for me, and that he would get better, back to his old self. I was essentially trying to force him to change into what I wanted him to be, which is never good. I couldn't get him to talk, probably because he felt that I wouldn't listen and try to make changes. I don't think that he trusts me.

This is where we are now. Apart on a day that we should be celebrating. Maybe I shouldn't have done this, but I message him wishing him a happy anniversary and I put a loving anniversary post on Instagram (a first of its kind for me). The Instagram post was a big deal for me because I usually keep my personal life private, but for the first time with anyone, I want to proudly tell the world that I have a wonderful boyfriend who I am lucky to have found and loved for a year. I texted him and posted the picture because I wanted to and I wanted to express my feelings to him. I wasn't expecting any sort of response. I love JP dearly and I want him and the world to know that. I'm sorry for everything that I have done to hurt him. I hope that we can move beyond all of this poison and pettiness in the relationship and heal one another.

I want a relationship with JP. I want him in my life. I want to build a life with him and have kids with him. I want both of us to be happy and healthy. But I know if he will not be happy with me, we will have to part ways. I don't want to force him in a relationship that he doesn't want to be in. I hope that this is not the case at the end of this break.

In the future, I want our relationship to be full of laughter and love. I want to make sure that he knows that I think that he is amazing, smart, intelligent, funny, caring, loving, thoughtful, adventurous, courageous, confident, and so much more. I don't want to tear him down. I want to build him up! I want to express my love to him always and show him love. I don't want to react negatively to him anymore. I don't want to be rude to him. I want to hear him share his feelings with me. I want to listen to him. I don't want to do all the talking and talk over him. I want him to express himself. I want our relationship to become more mature and be mature without childish games. I want us to grow closer and I want to spend much of our time with one another. I want to be equal partners. I don't want him to only follow me and I don't want to only follow him. I want us to take turns leading and taking care of each other. I want us to be ready. I want us to be smart. I want us to share our lives with one another. I love him more than I have loved anyone else, and I hope that we will become husbands to one another. I want to share my life, my heart, my spirit, my world, my universe, my friends, my family with him. I hope that he still feels the same.

Even though I'm very melancholy today, I am still grateful to have someone to love. Happy anniversary, my sweet JP! I love you!