Controlling the Uncontrollable

JP reminded me of something on our bike ride that he see in me that I know is true. He sees that I struggle with not being able to control the uncontrollable. I have talked about with my therapists and I believe it is something that I will continually struggle with for the rest of my life. Trying to fix things, making problems better, helping others, and repairing wrongs is part of my personality. I am a type A personality and caregiver by nature. I want to make sure that everything is ordered and organized, that everyone is happy and content, and that there are no problems or that the problems have all been fixed. This is what I do. When I see or feel like something is wrong, I want to throw myself fully into solving it and fixing it--failure is not an option for me.

Most of the time, there is no problem doing this, but there are times when I can't fix things, that I can't control what is going on, and things that I just can't make better at the moment or ever. This is where I struggle the most. Once I start to feel like I am losing control, I start to overanalyze, overthink, become overbearing, and throw myself more fully in repairing or making things better. It starts to define me and I get worth out of fixing things, but hurt, pain, and depression when I can't make things better. The last two sentences is where my true problem lies. I can't just let things occur. I have to invest myself into controlling and fixing problems, and then when I can't I feel like I am a failure. One of my biggest insecurities is being a failure, especially in things that are very important for me.

In my everyday life, small failures do not bother me. It's the things that become very near and dear to my heart that I struggle with when I feel like a failure. This became most apparent when I was struggling with Jeff and my research a couple years ago. I hadn't had an episode in a very long time, my last was in college, and I thought that I had progressed and moved past everything, but it wasn't true. I completely feel apart and was hating my life. Jeff was pulling away from me and my research had been failing for the past 6 months. Nothing was going right. My two babies (Jeff and my research) were not working out and there was nothing that I could do about it. But I kept trying harder than ever to make things better in both aspects of my life. Eventually, things with Jeff ended and my research started getting better, and my insecurities went away. My life became great again.

Then JP came into my life when I was on the way up to a high point. When I got to the high point in July, things were great and I thought that I dealt with all of my problems. But that wasn't so. My insecurities and need to repair things were still bubbling under the surface--I just didn't have anything that I needed to fix. I remember wondering if I could be with JP because I felt like I couldn't do anything for him or take care of him, and I didn't feel like my caregiver side was being fulfilled in the relationship. I decided that this is what I wanted. I wanted to be in a mature relationship where I didn't have to put all of the effort into taking care of someone else. That we would support one another when times got rough, but most of the time, things were perfectly fine. It took me awhile to realize this because I was so used to being in a relationship that was messed up, where the other person needed me to hold them together.

After I decided to fully invest myself into the relationship, regardless of me not feeling that my caregiver side was completely fulfilled, I felt like things were pretty great. August and September were good for us. October was good for a bit, but then it started getting rocky. I felt that something came between us soon after the news from the LDS church attacking homosexuality again. This is when I started to feel all of JP's insecurities and when I started to notice him pulling away from me. This is when I failed JP big time. In my past relationships, I was used to the men asking me for advice and coming to me. They wanted me to tell them what to do, because I was the strong one. But with JP, he didn't feel comfortable talking to me because it seemed like he wanted to go through it on his own. He didn't want to turn to me. I'm guessing that it is because he didn't feel comfortable telling me his weaknesses, because I was always showing my best side and never my weak side. Then when he did come to me, I did all of the talking, because that was something that I was used to. My ideas were the best, when in reality, they probably aren't. I failed him and didn't listen to him enough. I should have listened more to his struggles, thoughts, pains, anger, etc., but instead I would partially listen and then chime in with my ideas. Then things kept getting worse and I tried even hard to repair what was broken, and in my head it was him, instead of the relationship and things that I was doing. I was naive and stupid. I wish that he would have just slapped me and told me to snap out of it. I wish that he would have been more honest with me and felt comfortable talking to me, but I know that this was my fault because I wasn't listening before.

I know that listening to him is something that I still struggle with. As I look back on our bike ride, I did a lot of the talking, when I wanted it to be more fair and equal. I was hoping that I could get him talking by asking him questions that I thought up beforehand, but a lot of the time, I would chime in with my ideas instead of hearing him out completely. I wish that I would have been a better listener and more of an equal partner. I just need to keep reminding myself to give JP the chance to talk. I want to get better and listen to JP more, much like I let all my patients do most of the talking. It is something that I really need to work on with him. I hope that he will feel confident enough to stop me and say "let me talk now." This will allow me to see that I am controlling the conversation again and not listening. I really want to listen to him tomorrow. It is something that I really want to be proactive about. I just need to keep reminding myself to listen and to ask questions when it is appropriate, and not always chime in with my ideas. Hopefully, we will have a few things that he wants to talk about.