Filling the Hole in my Soul

For most of the summer, I felt like there was a part of me that was missing. I had an emptiness inside of me that I had never felt before. The emptiness was caused by the loss of JP. I gave JP more of my heart and soul than I have any other boyfriend in the past, and he took it and ran away. I don't blame him for doing that--it just left me empty and lost. The whole summer I was in a fog. I was struggling to find my footing and to find myself again. I knew what makes me happy, and I would do those things; but those things were never enough. I always had a part of me that was missing, something that I couldn't fill.

I tried to fill it with memories of JP and I, friends, family, exercise, baking, cooking, reading, and so much more. Nothing would fill it or it would fill me for a short time and then I'd be empty soon after. I didn't know how to approach my loss. I decided to let myself grieve. I grieved for JP. I grieved for the loss of part of my heart and soul. I grieved for the future with JP. I grieved for losing the one I loved. I grieved for the good memories. I grieved for the bad memories. I grieved for everything.

Soon the cracks started to fill in. I slowly started to become more happy, but again it wasn't lasting forever--it would eventually go away. Grieving and feeling all of the emotions was helping. I took this poem by Nayyirah Waheed to heart:

grieve. so that you can be free to feel something else.

By grieving, I started to become free. I started to understand my hurt, pain, sadness, wrongness, depression, and feelings of abandonment and loss. I understood why I felt all of these feelings. I understood the root cause of these feelings. I came to understand more about myself.

Australia came and the grieving stopped. It was time to be happy and fill in the cracks. I met some wonderful people who became my friends, and they pushed me to heal. They allowed me to start healing through bonding with them. They saw me for me and not for the loss of my love, heart, and soul. They liked me for me. I came to realize that I am perfectly fine the way that I am. I don't need to change drastically for anybody and I am perfectly fine being on my own (I've always known this but it's hard remembering that when you come out of a relationship). I woke up and saw myself for who I really am and decided to let my light so shine and not hide myself under a bushel (thank you scriptures LOL).

I know that I am a good person who strives to be the best that I can be for myself, my friends, my family, my loved ones, my patients, and everyone who counts on me. There is no point in hiding myself and moping anymore. I've felt all of the emotions and have grown tremendously. I have learned a lot. I am strong. I am smart. I am humble. I am flawed. I am empathetic. I am fun. I am thoughtful. I am giving. I am so much more. These things make me the man that I am. With seeing these attributes, I've built a foundation for my heart and soul to heal, which it has already done a lot of. One day, I'll be whole again...

The Hardest Part

The end.

Looking back

Struggling forward

Darkness.

Daybreak.

Stirring movement

Bringing change

The start,

the hardest part.

"the hardest part" by me

I have been contemplating whether or not I should share this poem. I was thinking about posting it on Instagram without going to Facebook, but that didn't appeal to me. It is more private and for me than public. This blog is public, but it feels private because a lot of people don't read it, which is why I'm sharing it with you all. 

I wrote this poem in the outback. It describes my feelings of the past couple of months and the transformation that has taken place in me over my vacation in Australia, especially during my time in the outback. I was in a dark place off and on and really struggling to move past my feelings and emotions. Most days, work was a struggle and I didn't want to be there or do any work. I would avoid doing what I had to do and essentially sabotage myself and my goals by not doing any work. Luckily it hasn't put me too far behind. Then there were times that I would avoid doing the things that I loved and seeing the people I loved. I was depressed for most of the summer and have actually been fairly depressed this whole year. My relationship with JP really affected me in many ways that I am still trying to fully comprehend, but I feel that I can definitely say that I lost someone who I imagined spending the rest of my life with. That loss is extremely difficult and hard to move past.

I've come to realize that the hardest part of ending is starting again. It's easy to remain looking at the past and have wishful thinking. I was doing this all summer. I would constantly think about JP. He was on my mind every day and multiple times a day. I would think about him when I woke up, throughout the day, and before I went to bed. I had so much wishful thinking, but it was naive and stupid. I could have let this consume me and continue this thinking, but luckily I didn't. I've realized that it's extremely difficult to not let the past hold you back and move forward. It's just so easy to stay in that mode and not move on. It's like being stuck in the valley of Mount Everest and you have to climb to the top of Mount Everest to get to where you want to go next--it's daunting, but in the end, it's worth it! 

It's worth moving on to something new and better. It's worth it to start new goals and live your life to the fullest. It's worth it to not hide yourself in your own emotions. It's worth it to explore the world and make connections. Living life is worth it. Even though it daunting to move on and stop the wishful thinking, it something that must be done.

I finally feel like I'm at the start of something and great. After my relationship ended, I was caught in the muck of my emotions and feelings. Now, I am rejuvenated and ready to move forward. I'm starting to take small steps to climb Mount Everest and get to the beautiful view on top of it and what lies beyond the mountain. It's time to reignite my passion for life in everything that I do, which Australia has helped jump start.

Here's to a better future with much beauty in it!

5 Minute Life Check: September

I think… that I’m good enough

I wonder… why JP messaged me yesterday

I want… to continue my happy streak

I dream… of P in Australia

I speak… about my research and finishing my thesis

I act… with kindness and understanding towards others

I honor… myself by staying true to my values

I cry… for the passing of my friend

I see… the worth of myself and others around me

I feel… that I can do more to make this world a better place

I manage… to stay afloat while following my passions

I support… C because she is going through a difficult time

I seek… to build a strong, lasting community around me

I find… that people are more willing to be open when I am open and flawed

I teach… ACT to a boy who needs to believe in himself as much as I believe in him

I learn… to be more spontaneous

I am… a human who is flawed, yet beautiful with all of those flaws

I sing… because words cannot always express my emotions or contain my happiness

I love… my life