On My Own

Last night I had the same dream that I had a couple months ago when Jakob told me that he was struggling with alcohol. This time the dream was much more clear and I remembered a lot more of it. The first time I had the dream, all that I remembered was feeling like I couldn't do this on my own and that I had failed in protecting him--he died at the hands of the monsters I couldn't defeat. Now, I have a better understanding of the dream and why I felt that way.

The dream starts with Jakob and I in an adventure in a peaceful village. We are exploring the world together, laughing, and marveling at all of the sites. Progressively overtime, we wander into a more dangerous area that occurs so gradually that we never even noticed the change until it was too late. All of the sudden, we are surround by gigantic monsters. I quickly whipped out my book of magic and summoned Ifrit while I told Jakob to run away when he got the chance and to leave everything to me. Together Ifrit and I unleashed our magical powers to push back and kill the monsters to allow Jakob to escape. After one monster went down, another, stronger monster appeared. Jakob shouted that he could help, but I told him not to because I was his protector. I was doing everything in my power to subdue the monsters and protect Jakob, but it wasn't enough. Soon I ran out of magical strength and could no longer unleash spells. Ifrit had been killed. The monsters were lurking after Jakob to steal the light out of him. As a last ditch effort, I threw myself at the monsters and they tossed me aside. I watched helplessly as they stole Jakob's light. The monsters started laughing and showed me that they had stolen the light and life out of everyone that I loved. There was nothing that I could do about it. Then they left me there to suffer for the rest of my life knowing that I couldn't protect my loved ones. I wasn't strong enough. I woke up crying. I have a greater sense of what was going on and the truth behind my dream.

Will I ever be strong enough to protect my loved ones on my own? I don't know. But I do know that I will be able to protect them with theirs and other's help.

What happened in the dream and what has happened between Jakob and I, was eerily accurate. I was fighting alone and not calling upon him for help. I was down right refusing his help and told him to escape. I was willing to sacrifice my self and my own sanity in order to protect him and help him to safety. That's not how it is supposed to be. We are supposed to be partners. We are supposed to be supporting each other and lifting one another up. Because I wasn't turning to him, I lost my way in the chaos of battling Jakob's monsters and some of my own. I'm guessing that I lost my way long before that though. I'm guessing that I had to always be the one in charge and that everything needed to be my way, which caused a lot of them problems. In short, I was selfishly selfless.

What shocks me is that I'm usually like this, especially in relationships. I'm usually the one who is supporting and building up the other person. Very rarely am I selfish. I was being very selfless with Neil and Jeff, and that caused problems in our relationship because I didn't feel like I was being taken care of. This time it was the other way around. I think it was because Jakob was the opposite of Neil and Jeff. Jakob was always taking care of me and wouldn't let me take care of him for a long time. I didn't and still don't know how to really take care of him. Eventually, I found out that he was hiding his struggles and needs from me in order to take care of me. After I started discovering his struggles, I took them upon myself and told myself that I was going to make him better. But when I first had the dream, I knew that I couldn't do it on my own. Initially, I wanted him to go to therapy, which he didn't go to, because I thought that it would help me. I still think it would be beneficial for him to go and provide some help to me, but instead of looking to Jakob for help, I wanted others to help him and me. I didn't fully listen to him and his needs. I should have been more watchful and less demeaning. I should have listened to his needs and continually asked him what we could do to battle these monsters together. With me trying to take control of the situation, I alienated him and myself more than ever. I caused a lot of the problems and the distance. I selfishly was trying to get him to conform to what I needed and what I thought that he needed, not actually paying attention to what he needed. I thought that I was doing the right thing, but I definitely wasn't. I feel horrible about it. I am better than what I became and I should have been better to Jakob.

I hope that his demons haven't destroyed him and stolen his light. I hope that there is still some light and love in his heart towards me. I want him by my side, working together to destroy the monsters. Together, we can do anything.