Pride Solidarity

Pride weekend was a very touching and emotional weekend for me.

Friday was a rough day. I woke up fine, but then it quickly turned into a swirl of emotions. My overall feelings were sadness about my situation with JP (I'll write more about what's going on later). I spent a good portion of my day almost in tears and ready to breakdown at any moment. I still love him so much and want to be with him. It's difficult for me to completely let him go and to think that he wants to completely let me go. The day got better after work though. I went to the Met with some friends for a pride celebration there. We listened to the NYC Gay Men's Chorus perform, had a silent dance party among an ancient Egyptian temple, and listened to people discuss gender and queer identity within art. Overall, it was wonderful. It was also wonderful to see so many LGBT and straight individuals coming together to celebrate acceptance and love, in addition to exploring the meaning of being different in society.

On Saturday, I went to the beach and didn't do much pride celebrations. But I did go out for a bit. It was so great to see the community coming together and thriving, despite the mass shooting in Orlando. The only downside is that I wish that I could have celebrated with JP.

Sunday was spectacular! The pride parade was definitely the best and largest pride parade that I have ever attended. There was so much support and love from so many people from different walks of life who marched in the parade or who just came to watch the parade. I was so impressed with how many groups were commemorating the people who died in Orlando, yet also still walking in solidarity with pride, fierceness, and progress. One thing that struck me was that our community never gives up and we move forward with solidarity. We see that we have to keep on fighting and growing to combat discrimination and hate. It all started back at the Stonewall Riots and it has only grown. We have gotten more rights, but we still have a lot more to gain in order to achieve full love, support, and rights from the world. We may be different in who we are attracted to, but we are humans like everyone else. We will never give up and our community will keep growing. Our community is alive and vibrant despite all that is going on, and together we can make a difference in the world. We can bring people together who feel left out and different--we are welcoming of everyone. Love trumps hate and love wins!

At the parade, I started to struggle a lot. There were many times that I was in tears due to the love and support, but also from sadness. My sadness stemmed from not having JP there by my side. I was constantly looking for him. In my head, I was hoping that I would see him, that he would run up to me, and that everything would be ok again. Sadly, that didn't happen and I just spent time processing my emotions. Seeing the commemoration of the Orlando victims was a huge reminder for me to treasure the ones that I love, fight for them, and keep them close. My desire to fight for JP has never been stronger. I want him in my life so badly. He means the world to me, and I just wish that we could find a way to move beyond our struggles. I'm still trying to figure out the best way forward with him, but what I do know is that I love him and that I want my future to be with him by my side.

Follow Your Heart

Despite all of our troubles and our break up, the following statement that I wrote a couple weeks ago is still true. “JP, I think that you are my soul mate but only time will reveal the truth. Despite all of our troubles, everyday I’m falling more in love with you. I can’t wait to see what will happen between us…” 

I've been doing a lot of thinking since the breakup, especially in the aftermath of the Orlando shooting. Life is just so fragile and it ends all too soon. That is why we have to keep the ones we love closer to us and strive to never push them away. I'm very much in love with JP and I can picture a real, loving future with him. I'm not ready to let him go that easily and I want to fight for him. I want to work things out with him. I want to follow my heart and get back together with him. The question is, what do I do to get him back? How can I get him back? Will he come back to me? Does he even want me back or has written me off completely?

These are all excellent questions that I need to ponder and think about. I believe that JP still loves and cares about me deeply, in fact he told me this. I also believe that deep down, he still wants to be with me, but there are things keeping him from being with me. His actions speak volumes to me in and tell me that he wants to be with me, but seems confused. There are times that he is very sweet--he flew my mother to and from SLC-JFK with a special pass that he was saving for himself, he spent a good amount of time with my mom and I while she was here, he checks in on me, he messages me when he is reminded of things that we did together or of things that reminds him of me. Then there is the flip side where I don't hear from him, he doesn't do what he says, and he avoids talking to me. These actions show confusion on his part and mirrors my own confusion about our relationship and how he feels about me. But I feel like his love and care for me is deep and real.

I'm trying to figure out what to do. Our relationship is officially over. I want to give him the space he needs to figure things out, but I also want to try and remain close to him. I feel like if I let him go completely, I'll lose him forever. I WANT to fight for him. I just need to figure out the best way to fight for him and not push him away.

What Does He Want?

What does he want from me?

I have no idea. I'm so confused right now, more so than ever. JP keeps pushing me away and wants distance, but when I give him that distance and I start doing my own thing, he is hurt and wants me to be close to him. This weekend/week is a prime example.

I noticed that something was off with JP when we went to dinner and the show on Saturday. I couldn't put my finger on it, but there was definitely something there. When Kevin and first met him at the bar, he was very cold and distant. He would barely kiss me. Once we got to the table, things got slightly better. He warmed up and started interacting with everyone. Eventually, we were all talking and joking. JP was touching me and I was touching him. He was joking and making fun of me. It was really nice. It felt like our most genuine interaction in a long time. But there were always some moments that JP would shut down and be distant. He seemed hurt that I went to see Sing Street with Kevin and didn't invite him. JP and I had talked about going to see that together, but I didn't think that was going to happen anymore. When Kevin said he wanted to see it, I decided to go with him because I didn't want to miss seeing the show. Additionally, JP seemed really hurt that I didn't invite him to go out with Eric, Tom, and me. I thought about inviting him, but I didn't want to be turned down again, which is why I didn't invite him. I thought that he wouldn't come (like everything else I have invited him to since the break outside of our scheduled dates) and I am getting sick of get a "no, I've got plans" or "no, I can't" from him. After being turned down so many times, it doesn't make me want to ask him to hang out with me anymore. I also felt that he always goes out with his friends without inviting me and there is no problem with me doing the same. I didn't get the chance to explain any of this to him because Mandy and Kevin returned from the bathroom. At the show, I didn't try to hold his hand. I wanted him to make the move. Eventually, he did make the move, but it didn't feel like he wanted to. But I was happy that he made the motion nonetheless.

After the show, I could definitely tell that something was bothering him, but I didn't press him. If he wanted to come over or invite me over to talk, I would have been more than willing, but he said that he wanted to go home and didn't invite me back with him. I told him to have a good trip home and he said that we would talk before then, and I took that was a good sign, but it did cause me to think that something was up.

On Sunday, I invited him over for rhubarb sticky bun, but he again turned me down and said that he was going to church. He didn't offer to come over another time or suggest that we see each other after work, which was fine because I've learned to accept that he doesn't make alternative suggestions. Then I went about my business for the day and had a wonderful day!

Monday night comes and he messages me to see how my day was. He went back and forth for awhile and it sounded like he had a long and hard day. I was to the RuPaul Drag Race season finale/coronation ceremony with Teddy when he asked me if I was home. I told him no and told him where I was at. He was really hurt that I didn't invite him. I didn't invite him because I had bought tickets weeks before and I wasn't sure if he'd even want to come for all of the reasons stated earlier. He was sad and he wanted to be there, and I truly felt bad that I didn't invite him when I first bought tickets.

I tried calling him on Tuesday night, but he didn't pick up or call me back. I asked him to call me Wednesday morning, but he didn't. He just sent a text saying that he was on his way to Cuba, which I am really excited about for him!

This whole weekend/week was strange to me. JP has been telling me for a long time that he wants the distance from me and only wants to see me once a week. Then when I start to do things without him, he gets hurt and mad at me. I guess that this is really the first couple of weeks where I started to really pull away and do my own thing, basically doing what he does. Maybe he is feeling like he is losing me? I don't know. But it is killing me because I don't know what he wants from me. I can't be at his beck and call whenever he wants, especially when he doesn't give me much. I have a life as well. If he gave me more, I would definitely be more willing to be at his beck and call, and invite him to more things, but he isn't. Sometimes I feel like I am not even his boyfriend, which is difficult on me. JP and I really need to talk about everything. I need to know where he is at and what he wants/needs.

Being Content

I think that I made somewhat of a breakthrough today. I realized that I am not content with my life right now and I am generally not content with my life in general. I'm always looking for ways to make it better, to fix problems, to be happier, to do more, to level up, etc. etc. etc. I don't remember there ever being a time that I was content with my life. As a child, I remember having goals that would help me become a better member of the LDS church, get better grades, achieve my dreams of going to medical school, being a better son, become a better swimmer, become more god-like, and so much more. I was always striving to be something more than I was and am. There was always something, even if it was little things, that I could work on to make me better, more perfect. I am hell-bent to become perfect and make my life perfect. If I am not at perfection or feel like I am at perfection, I struggle and have to figure out ways to get there because I struggle with the thought of being a failure or looking anything less than perfect.

What I really need to do is be content with my life and not stress about the perceived flaws or bad times. I need to be grateful for the things that I have and happy with what I have achieved and been given. There is so much beauty and good in my life that when I focus on the bad and my imperfections, they tear me down and cause me to think that my life could be better. Could my life be better? Most definitely. But can I be happy with where I am not now? YES!!! I need to be happy and content with my life in every aspect. Life is a rollercoaster and comes at you in weird ways. There is always a loop or a turn when you are expecting a straight path. These loops and turns are normal and natural. They don't make me a failure, because a lot of times, there is nothing that I can do to prevent them. They are completely out of my control. What makes me a failure is the inability to cope, adjust, and learn what life was trying to teach me. If I try to force these turns to conform to me and my beliefs, I fail at learning whatever lesson I am meant to learn.

It's time to just start riding this crazy rollercoaster of life and quit trying to change and control everything to become better and more perfect. I will probably learn more if I let life teach me a few lessons instead of pretending to know it all. I recognize that my life is pretty great the way it is. There is a lot of good and happiness within my life. I need to begin to focus on good instead of the bad. I need to be grateful for what I have been given and for the people in my life. I need to be content with my life in good, bad, and ugly times. Life will never be what I expect it to be and I can strive to become greater, but when there is a loop or a turn, I need to enjoy the ride and learn what I can from it.

Can I be content with my life or will I always be trying to make it better? Only time will tell, but I know that I will be working on being more grateful, happy, and content with where I am at and attempt to learn from what life throws at me.

Controlling the Uncontrollable

JP reminded me of something on our bike ride that he see in me that I know is true. He sees that I struggle with not being able to control the uncontrollable. I have talked about with my therapists and I believe it is something that I will continually struggle with for the rest of my life. Trying to fix things, making problems better, helping others, and repairing wrongs is part of my personality. I am a type A personality and caregiver by nature. I want to make sure that everything is ordered and organized, that everyone is happy and content, and that there are no problems or that the problems have all been fixed. This is what I do. When I see or feel like something is wrong, I want to throw myself fully into solving it and fixing it--failure is not an option for me.

Most of the time, there is no problem doing this, but there are times when I can't fix things, that I can't control what is going on, and things that I just can't make better at the moment or ever. This is where I struggle the most. Once I start to feel like I am losing control, I start to overanalyze, overthink, become overbearing, and throw myself more fully in repairing or making things better. It starts to define me and I get worth out of fixing things, but hurt, pain, and depression when I can't make things better. The last two sentences is where my true problem lies. I can't just let things occur. I have to invest myself into controlling and fixing problems, and then when I can't I feel like I am a failure. One of my biggest insecurities is being a failure, especially in things that are very important for me.

In my everyday life, small failures do not bother me. It's the things that become very near and dear to my heart that I struggle with when I feel like a failure. This became most apparent when I was struggling with Jeff and my research a couple years ago. I hadn't had an episode in a very long time, my last was in college, and I thought that I had progressed and moved past everything, but it wasn't true. I completely feel apart and was hating my life. Jeff was pulling away from me and my research had been failing for the past 6 months. Nothing was going right. My two babies (Jeff and my research) were not working out and there was nothing that I could do about it. But I kept trying harder than ever to make things better in both aspects of my life. Eventually, things with Jeff ended and my research started getting better, and my insecurities went away. My life became great again.

Then JP came into my life when I was on the way up to a high point. When I got to the high point in July, things were great and I thought that I dealt with all of my problems. But that wasn't so. My insecurities and need to repair things were still bubbling under the surface--I just didn't have anything that I needed to fix. I remember wondering if I could be with JP because I felt like I couldn't do anything for him or take care of him, and I didn't feel like my caregiver side was being fulfilled in the relationship. I decided that this is what I wanted. I wanted to be in a mature relationship where I didn't have to put all of the effort into taking care of someone else. That we would support one another when times got rough, but most of the time, things were perfectly fine. It took me awhile to realize this because I was so used to being in a relationship that was messed up, where the other person needed me to hold them together.

After I decided to fully invest myself into the relationship, regardless of me not feeling that my caregiver side was completely fulfilled, I felt like things were pretty great. August and September were good for us. October was good for a bit, but then it started getting rocky. I felt that something came between us soon after the news from the LDS church attacking homosexuality again. This is when I started to feel all of JP's insecurities and when I started to notice him pulling away from me. This is when I failed JP big time. In my past relationships, I was used to the men asking me for advice and coming to me. They wanted me to tell them what to do, because I was the strong one. But with JP, he didn't feel comfortable talking to me because it seemed like he wanted to go through it on his own. He didn't want to turn to me. I'm guessing that it is because he didn't feel comfortable telling me his weaknesses, because I was always showing my best side and never my weak side. Then when he did come to me, I did all of the talking, because that was something that I was used to. My ideas were the best, when in reality, they probably aren't. I failed him and didn't listen to him enough. I should have listened more to his struggles, thoughts, pains, anger, etc., but instead I would partially listen and then chime in with my ideas. Then things kept getting worse and I tried even hard to repair what was broken, and in my head it was him, instead of the relationship and things that I was doing. I was naive and stupid. I wish that he would have just slapped me and told me to snap out of it. I wish that he would have been more honest with me and felt comfortable talking to me, but I know that this was my fault because I wasn't listening before.

I know that listening to him is something that I still struggle with. As I look back on our bike ride, I did a lot of the talking, when I wanted it to be more fair and equal. I was hoping that I could get him talking by asking him questions that I thought up beforehand, but a lot of the time, I would chime in with my ideas instead of hearing him out completely. I wish that I would have been a better listener and more of an equal partner. I just need to keep reminding myself to give JP the chance to talk. I want to get better and listen to JP more, much like I let all my patients do most of the talking. It is something that I really need to work on with him. I hope that he will feel confident enough to stop me and say "let me talk now." This will allow me to see that I am controlling the conversation again and not listening. I really want to listen to him tomorrow. It is something that I really want to be proactive about. I just need to keep reminding myself to listen and to ask questions when it is appropriate, and not always chime in with my ideas. Hopefully, we will have a few things that he wants to talk about.

The Struggle Is Real

JP and I chatted and connected again on Friday. It was wonderful, scary, nerve wracking, happy, beautiful, and so much more all rolled into one night. Overall, we ended the night on the positive note. He had told me of his own volition that he loved me and missed being close to me. He also said that he was really happy that we had connected again and that he wanted to be on Team JP and Sean. Finally, he said that he wants to get where I am at. All of these made my heart swoon and got me super excited for our future.

But for me, it has been hard to remember those feelings and I'm guessing that the same goes for JP (I can't be sure though). Saturday, I was on cloud nine when I woke, but then I had this overarching loneliness and sadness that permeated my being as my demons took over. I started focusing on what didn't happen the night before. I was freaking out about he didn't really say that he was sorry for hurting me directly, even though he had stated that we both had hurt each other and recognizes that he hurt me. Then what got me the most was that he couldn't decide upon breaking up with me or trying to work things out with me. This is what is causing me the biggest hang up. This unknown of me potentially doing something wrong to hurt him and cause him to break up with me immediately is putting a lot of stress upon me. As I write and think about it, this is normal in relationships. You never know when someone will break up with you. You just hope that you see it coming and aren't blindsided.

Saturday, I spent an hour crying to my mom about the demons that came out. I told her that I just wanted a man who loves me as much as I love him; that I want a man who cares about me as much as I care about him; that I want a man who wants to help me be my best self; that I want a man who wants to work with me; and that I want a man who wants to put the same effort as me into the relationship. After crying and talking to my mom, I felt much better. I just needed to get all of my emotions and feelings out.

After my cry session, I felt the urge to text JP and ask if I could see him before my conference on Monday. He said that he would like that and work on changing his plans so that it could happen.  This got me really excited and caused me to read a bit too much into what he was saying. I thought that this showed a huge step forward, but rather it was just a small one. He wants to see me and enough that he will try to rearrange his plans and not cancel them. This needs to be ok for me and I shouldn't expect him to change his plans for me. Then when he couldn't get together with me Monday and I tried for Tuesday, and he said that he couldn't. This should have been fine as well, but it made me really sad. I need to be better at recognizing that just because he can't meet up doesn't mean that he doesn't want to or that he hates me and wants to break up with me. It just means that he is busy and that he can't change his schedule for me. There is NOTHING wrong with that. I'm just really sensitive and excited to be sort of back in his life, and I need to cool that down a bit and relax.

I know that he loves me. I know that he wants to be with me. I know that he wants to work on strengthening our relationship. I know these things because he wouldn't still be with me if he didn't love me and want to be in a relationship with me. I believe that he is just a little afraid to invest and get hurt again, which is the way that I felt after J and I broke up. Also, I believe that JP is struggling to forgive me and move past the hurt I caused him. I fully understand that because it took me some time to move past the hurt he caused me. We both were hurt tremendously and it takes everyone their own time to move forward. I need to keep reminding me of these things. I need to start being excited for the future and what could go right instead of being afraid of what could go wrong and reading into things.

I am working on being better. I want to be better for myself and for JP. I want to learn and grow. I hope that JP wants to do the same. I love him with all my heart and I want to be with him. I just need to slow down and let things go at a natural pace, but I might need to push him a bit because I don't want to feel like I am strung along. I will eventually need full commitment from him.

Fears and Needs

I am very ready to see JP, but I'm not sure if he is entirely ready to see me. Because of this, I am a little afraid to see him. I'm afraid that it is going to go poorly and that we aren't going to have a good time with one another. I'm afraid that it is going to be all about the problems we have instead of just joining together to celebrate coming back together to love one another. I'm afraid that we will get into a fight and the relationship will end. I'm afraid that JP will end our relationship. I'm afraid that it will go back to being the same. I'm afraid that JP will not want to put the necessary effort into our relationship. I'm afraid that we won't want to work together. These are just some of my fears. There are so many things that I am afraid of, but I'm trying not to let the fear rule me.

I'm trying to let my excitement take over and just have a good time with him. I've missed him A LOT and I have wanted him in my life. There are so many things that I have experienced on this break that I wish I could have shared with him. I want to share my life with him. I want to travel the world with him. I want to build a family with him. I want to own a home with him. I want him as part of my family and I want to be a part of his family. I want to love him. I want to hold him. I want to kiss him. I want to be fucked and fuck him. I want to see him smile. I want to wake up next to him. I want to make him delicious and nutritious food. I want to help with the hurt. I want to bring happiness in his life. I want to give him the world! I love him so much! I just want our first meeting to be wonderful and meaningful. I want it to start out on the right foot.

In order for our relationship to progress and become stronger, I need a few things. I don't think that it is much to ask and I feel like they are very important to a strong relationship.

1. I need to feel loved, cared about, wanted, and important, and not feel avoided, neglected, or emotionally cheated upon
2. I need full open and honest communication and I need to feel like he is not hiding things from me
3. I need us to trust one another and not see things in black and white, which cause us to jump to conclusions

I believe that all of these needs are reasonable and not too much to ask. These will make sure that I am stable so that we can make our relationship stable. I hope that JP will be willing to rise to the occasion and meet these needs. I think that all of these needs will be met if we work TOGETHER to strive to make our relationship great again. I guess that I need us to be on Team JP and Sean. We need to be in it together and aim to beat whatever comes our way.

I'm ready!