What Does He Want?

What does he want from me?

I have no idea. I'm so confused right now, more so than ever. JP keeps pushing me away and wants distance, but when I give him that distance and I start doing my own thing, he is hurt and wants me to be close to him. This weekend/week is a prime example.

I noticed that something was off with JP when we went to dinner and the show on Saturday. I couldn't put my finger on it, but there was definitely something there. When Kevin and first met him at the bar, he was very cold and distant. He would barely kiss me. Once we got to the table, things got slightly better. He warmed up and started interacting with everyone. Eventually, we were all talking and joking. JP was touching me and I was touching him. He was joking and making fun of me. It was really nice. It felt like our most genuine interaction in a long time. But there were always some moments that JP would shut down and be distant. He seemed hurt that I went to see Sing Street with Kevin and didn't invite him. JP and I had talked about going to see that together, but I didn't think that was going to happen anymore. When Kevin said he wanted to see it, I decided to go with him because I didn't want to miss seeing the show. Additionally, JP seemed really hurt that I didn't invite him to go out with Eric, Tom, and me. I thought about inviting him, but I didn't want to be turned down again, which is why I didn't invite him. I thought that he wouldn't come (like everything else I have invited him to since the break outside of our scheduled dates) and I am getting sick of get a "no, I've got plans" or "no, I can't" from him. After being turned down so many times, it doesn't make me want to ask him to hang out with me anymore. I also felt that he always goes out with his friends without inviting me and there is no problem with me doing the same. I didn't get the chance to explain any of this to him because Mandy and Kevin returned from the bathroom. At the show, I didn't try to hold his hand. I wanted him to make the move. Eventually, he did make the move, but it didn't feel like he wanted to. But I was happy that he made the motion nonetheless.

After the show, I could definitely tell that something was bothering him, but I didn't press him. If he wanted to come over or invite me over to talk, I would have been more than willing, but he said that he wanted to go home and didn't invite me back with him. I told him to have a good trip home and he said that we would talk before then, and I took that was a good sign, but it did cause me to think that something was up.

On Sunday, I invited him over for rhubarb sticky bun, but he again turned me down and said that he was going to church. He didn't offer to come over another time or suggest that we see each other after work, which was fine because I've learned to accept that he doesn't make alternative suggestions. Then I went about my business for the day and had a wonderful day!

Monday night comes and he messages me to see how my day was. He went back and forth for awhile and it sounded like he had a long and hard day. I was to the RuPaul Drag Race season finale/coronation ceremony with Teddy when he asked me if I was home. I told him no and told him where I was at. He was really hurt that I didn't invite him. I didn't invite him because I had bought tickets weeks before and I wasn't sure if he'd even want to come for all of the reasons stated earlier. He was sad and he wanted to be there, and I truly felt bad that I didn't invite him when I first bought tickets.

I tried calling him on Tuesday night, but he didn't pick up or call me back. I asked him to call me Wednesday morning, but he didn't. He just sent a text saying that he was on his way to Cuba, which I am really excited about for him!

This whole weekend/week was strange to me. JP has been telling me for a long time that he wants the distance from me and only wants to see me once a week. Then when I start to do things without him, he gets hurt and mad at me. I guess that this is really the first couple of weeks where I started to really pull away and do my own thing, basically doing what he does. Maybe he is feeling like he is losing me? I don't know. But it is killing me because I don't know what he wants from me. I can't be at his beck and call whenever he wants, especially when he doesn't give me much. I have a life as well. If he gave me more, I would definitely be more willing to be at his beck and call, and invite him to more things, but he isn't. Sometimes I feel like I am not even his boyfriend, which is difficult on me. JP and I really need to talk about everything. I need to know where he is at and what he wants/needs.