Fears and Needs

I am very ready to see JP, but I'm not sure if he is entirely ready to see me. Because of this, I am a little afraid to see him. I'm afraid that it is going to go poorly and that we aren't going to have a good time with one another. I'm afraid that it is going to be all about the problems we have instead of just joining together to celebrate coming back together to love one another. I'm afraid that we will get into a fight and the relationship will end. I'm afraid that JP will end our relationship. I'm afraid that it will go back to being the same. I'm afraid that JP will not want to put the necessary effort into our relationship. I'm afraid that we won't want to work together. These are just some of my fears. There are so many things that I am afraid of, but I'm trying not to let the fear rule me.

I'm trying to let my excitement take over and just have a good time with him. I've missed him A LOT and I have wanted him in my life. There are so many things that I have experienced on this break that I wish I could have shared with him. I want to share my life with him. I want to travel the world with him. I want to build a family with him. I want to own a home with him. I want him as part of my family and I want to be a part of his family. I want to love him. I want to hold him. I want to kiss him. I want to be fucked and fuck him. I want to see him smile. I want to wake up next to him. I want to make him delicious and nutritious food. I want to help with the hurt. I want to bring happiness in his life. I want to give him the world! I love him so much! I just want our first meeting to be wonderful and meaningful. I want it to start out on the right foot.

In order for our relationship to progress and become stronger, I need a few things. I don't think that it is much to ask and I feel like they are very important to a strong relationship.

1. I need to feel loved, cared about, wanted, and important, and not feel avoided, neglected, or emotionally cheated upon
2. I need full open and honest communication and I need to feel like he is not hiding things from me
3. I need us to trust one another and not see things in black and white, which cause us to jump to conclusions

I believe that all of these needs are reasonable and not too much to ask. These will make sure that I am stable so that we can make our relationship stable. I hope that JP will be willing to rise to the occasion and meet these needs. I think that all of these needs will be met if we work TOGETHER to strive to make our relationship great again. I guess that I need us to be on Team JP and Sean. We need to be in it together and aim to beat whatever comes our way.

I'm ready!

Hiding Behind A Mask

This weekend, I had a lot of time alone in nature to think about what has happened and what got me to where I am today. A reoccurring theme that came up (due to a book I read) was that I have been wearing a mask for a good part of my life and I don't take it off very often. I feel like a lot of people wear masks and that it helps them survive. But the mask inhibits the wearer from being authentic with those around them, especially those who are close. Eventually, there can be discord between the wearer and the mask, which causes them to break down and have problems. As I've been thinking about it, this has happened time and time again in my life. I'm realizing that I can't keep wearing my masks to make me look perfect and strong, when I am imperfect and when I need help. I need to show my flaws and let them shine. Otherwise, I will not be very authentic and I will never be close to the ones I love. I guess what keeps my masks on are fears that the people I love won't support me and help me when I take them off, which has been the case in the past.

When I was a young gay lad, I was wearing the mask of golden boy. I wanted to be everyone's favorite person and do everything in my power to make everyone happy. I would do whatever I could to please others. I would be a teachers pet, do my homework, get the best grades, help around the house, read the scriptures, participate in church and class discussion, not talk back to my parents, be respectful to the neighbors, do my chores on time, and so much more. I did everything in my power to hide my feelings of attractions and weakness. I would do everything in my power to hide my flaws. I had to be perfect because that is what God expected of me, when in reality He didn't. It is what I set myself up for. I believed for a while that I needed to be a better person to overcome my homosexual desires. I soon learned that it was not the case and that God wouldn't take them from me--that he loved me for me. But I never took off my mask, except late at night and early in the morning. Sometimes the mask would consume me and make me angry. This is when it would slip off and my parents would see the tumultuous inner me that was boiling underneath my mask. Although I would quickly put it back on so that they didn't see it for long.

Since coming out, the mask isn't on as much or it isn't as extreme, BUT it is still present. I hate showing weakness, flaws, insecurities, and anything that moves my image away from perfection. I have to be the best and try to make myself seem cool and interesting as possible. Furthermore, I have to generally be right or know-it-all. I'm working on all of this. I'm recognizing this more than ever because I know that it is hindering JP and I from being in a real, loving relationship. My mask is still present and I hide parts of my true self from others around me. This mask of strength, determination, courage, all-knowing, intelligence, and so much more hides the fact that in some areas I'm weak, scared, need advice, don't know what to do, lost, confused, hurt, etc. I need to show others this more often and let them get to know the true me.

There is still discontent that occurs between me and my mask. This was most obvious with everything that went on with JP. When he first told me what he was struggling with, I told him that I wasn't strong enough to do this alone because I knew that I was not. I took my mask off for him and showed him how I truly felt. It hurt me because he told me to put it right back on. He told me that I am strong enough and that I needed to believe in myself and in him. I put my mask back on. I strived to be strong for him, but I continually failed and kept getting hurt. I told him that I wasn't strong enough to do this alone... At first, I thought that I needed him to go to therapy, but now I realized that I needed him and I needed his help, but I didn't realize it at the time or possibly think that he could give me help. Slowly, he started pulling away from me and didn't give me the help that I needed. At first, I had to pretend like I was fine. I had to show him strength and courage. But every couple of weeks, my mask slipped off and I fell apart. I would ask for help and he would give it for a time, but then he withdrew again. During this time, I needed him more than ever because I was being vulnerable and showing him my true self. I needed help. I'm sure that he really needed me more than ever as well, but we became so distant from one another that we couldn't help each other. I didn't know what was going on behind his mask and I was trying to help him understand how I was feeling. I was hurt because I had to keep putting my mask on for him when I needed his help and I didn't want to keep it on. He was hurt as well by me probably because I wasn't able to support him like he needed, but I don't know for sure how or why. I believe that this is what ultimately caused us to fall apart. We were both wearing masks and not helping one another.

Knowing that I have a mask and that still wear it makes me wonder what mask JP is wearing and what he is keeping from me. Since he extended our break, I have been extremely worried and afraid of our future. I've basically been going through hell and been doing a lot of thinking about our future. I don't know what's going through JP's mind, but I can only imagine that it is bad. His texts with me continue to be short and not full of love. I have to tell him that I love and miss him before he responds with the same. I don't think he has ever said that he loves and misses me unless I have said it first. I don't know if he's even excited to see me, if he actually misses me, and if he even wants to be with me. I know that he said that he doesn't want to end the relationship, but I'm not sure if he really believes that or wants that. I'm not sure if he knows what he wants. In particular, I'm most worried about when he said, "I can't..." If he is already thinking about what he can't do instead of what he wants to do in our relationship, I don't see it going far. I see it falling apart quickly for the same reasons above--we won't be our authentic selves and support one another in our weaknesses. I know that I can't continue to wear my mask of strength (etc.) for him while he struggles, because I'm struggling as well. I need us to work together. I need to know that he wants to be with me and give love. I need to know that he wants to bring happiness and laughter in my life. I need to know that he wants to build trust and make our relationship great. I need to know that he wants to work together and communicate with me. I need to know that he wants to be real and authentic with me and to take off his mask. If he is willing to do those things with me, I can see us going far and being together for the rest of our lives. I love him so very much and I desperately want our relationship to mend. I hope that he feels the same way.

In The Dark

JP told me that he doesn't want to leave me in the dark and will let me know when he is ready to talk, but he doesn't realize that he has left me completely in the dark. Before, I had an end date. It was something that I was looking forward to, something that I knew would be happening, and something that would bring us together, something that would provide me strength to continue on, and something that would calm any uncertainty or emotional turmoil about not seeing/hearing from JP. Now, I have nothing. I don't have something to look forward to, I don't have anything to calm my emotional turmoil, I don't know what's going through JP's head, and so much more. This is worse than when we first went on break. It is really hard for me to be left in the dark and not know.

This is what I struggle with the most when it comes to JP--I don't know and he's not giving me much information to go off of. There is so much that I don't know about our relationship, where he sees us going, how he feels about me now, etc. There is so much that I didn't know before, such as what was causing him hurt, how I could help him, what he needs from me, how I could be better to him, what's going on in his head, etc. This not knowing and secrecy is what helped us get to where we are today. I can't keep not knowing. It really hurts me and causes me severe emotional turmoil. I struggle with it all the time and causes me to overreact and overthink things. I need JP to not leave me in the dark anymore and tell me things. Even if they are just small things, I need to know. I need a flashlight to find my way through the darkness so that I can find him, so that I can connect with him, so that I can love and be loved by him. We need to find each other in the darkness.

I'm debating whether or not to contact him. I myself am struggling. I know that it would do me good to contact him, but will it do him any good? I think it would be good to leave him alone for a while and let him do some thinking. If I don't hear back from him by the end of the week, maybe I'll contact him? That will give me some peace of mind and allow me to get an approximate end date. But I also want to give him a chance to do what he needs to do and to reach out to me. I need to quit being overbearing and only thinking about myself and my emotional stability. I can make this sacrifice for him and give him some time before I have to ask.

The Hurt

I can't help myself--I constantly wonder what is going through JP's mind, especially now that I know he's still hurt and is not ready to see me, causing him to ask for more time.

Last night when I went to H and L's StarWars party, all I wanted was JP to be by my side. When I arrived, they were asking about JP and what he was doing. They wanted to know details of the Cuba opening, our next trip, and wanted to figure out a time for all of us to get together. I so desperately wanted JP at my side for that and I wanted to be able to tell them definitive answers of how Cuba was going and our next trip without skirting around the topic or using generalities. I don't know if S, L, H, and L could tell that I didn't really know. Needless to say, it was difficult. In addition as I was watch the movie, I just kept thinking about the first time I watched it with JP and loved it (even though he spoiled it for me). I remembered parts when he squeezed my hand when he was excited or shocked. I remembered his laugh at the funny moments. I remember looking over at him to see the excitement and wonder in his eyes. Last night, I didn't get to experience that. I sat alone in the corner watching the movie with distractions from L, H and E every now and then. I wish that my JP could have been there with me. I feel like this is in stark contrast to the way JP feels about me. He doesn't want me around and he's afraid to be around me. He told me the other day that he is still very hurt by everything.

I'm trying to figure out what I did to hurt him so much. I know that I was nagging him a lot to be a better boyfriend and person overall, which I believe tore down his self-esteem and parts of his emotional stability. I know that I should have been better and more understanding of him. I failed on that and I take full responsibility. But other than that, I don't know how else I've hurt him. I tried to do my best to do what he wanted me to do. When I tried to help, he would push me away. When I didn't help, didn't understand how to help, or didn't help in the right way (or support), he would get mad at me, push me away, or attack who I am as a person. I tried to give him his space to let him figure things out on his own, but I couldn't do that after a while because it was causing me emotional turmoil and I was still watching him spiral downward, albeit a slower spiral than he was on before. I felt like he needed someone there with him to help him when he needed it, but I probably wasn't helping in the right way. That is why I thought therapy or having him talk to someone else would be good for him. Maybe he is hurt because I wasn't as understanding as I could have been? The problem was that I couldn't understand what he was going through because he didn't want to talk about it and would change the topic. Maybe he is hurt because I got selfish at the end and started demanding and expecting more because I felt like he needed tough love to change. I can understand how this is hurtful, but I hope that he realizes that I was hurting as well. I was trying to get just a little out of him for what I needed in order to feel loved and cared about in our relationship. I think that this led to him being hurt because I didn't believe or feel that he loves me. I can see how painful this is. I'm sorry if I hurt him in this way, but I told him the truth. I didn't really feel loved. I felt like he was avoiding me and didn't want to see me, that he was getting fulfillment in other men, that he didn't want to help me when I needed help, that he wouldn't allow me to care for him by doing small things like cook for him and large things, and that I couldn't do anything to help him. I just felt like a title most of the time and didn't actually feel like his boyfriend.

I know that when we started dating that he went through three major life changes 1. new job, 2. new apartment and living alone, and 3. new relationship. There were a lot of problems building up the entire time and JP and I were dating. He did turn to me in the summer to discuss going on antidepressants and going to therapy again. I thought it was a great idea, and I believed that I was being supportive, but maybe I wasn't and he is hurt from that or other things that I did during that time. My major feelings are that I wish he would have discussed his hurt with me as it was occurring. I wish that we could have worked on it together while it was still a fresh, small wound and not a deeply infected wound. What I keep coming to is that it doesn't matter what the hurt is. If he and I will communicate and work together, we will be able to heal all of our wounds together. I know that this is going to be difficult for him, but I want to listen and hear his problems and struggles. I want to support him and lift him up to higher ground. I love him and want to build a life with him. The only way that we will be able to do this is through better communication. I hope that he feels the same, otherwise I'm just wasting my time.

Indestructible Is Not So Easy

JP, I'm ready to see and love you again. I wanna love you like I'm indestructible.

I wrote that statement the other day and I had high hopes for our relationship, but I am realizing today that it is easier said than done. I'm not hurt by JP not wanting to take me to the show tomorrow. I'm more disappointed than anything. I was really looking forward to going because it was something that JP initially wanted to share with me, something that he loved growing up, something that could bring us closer together, something that would cause him to let his mask down and let me better understand him. I wish he saw it in the same way, but he sees it in a completely different light. JP believes that I would stir up a fight and ruin the evening and the show. He is still afraid to see me and spend time with me--that is what it all boils down to. I fully understand that it takes others different amounts of time to move past the hurt, pain, and grief of difficulties in a relationship, but the level of hurt he still seems to carry makes our future seem bleak. It makes me wonder if he will ever be able to trust me, have a good time with me, want to spend time with me, open up and share, take off his mask, tear down his wall, laugh with me, cry with me, go through good and bad times together, and ever be able to handle hurt from me again. It also makes me wonder if he will ever forgive me and let things go. Finally, it makes me wonder if he is willing to put in the work to make our relationship better.

Am I fine with his decision? That is a resounding yes. But does what he said and his decision bring up a lot of questions in my mind, especially because we were only supposed to have 1 more week of break? Yes.

Is it worth it to continue trying to make this relationship work? Does he want to try to make this relationship work? Will he work with me to make our relationship work or will I have to be the follower? Will he be willing to confront hard issues with himself, me, and our relationship? Does he want to be with someone like me or will he expect these huge changes in my person? Will he be happier with someone else? Does he want to be with someone else? Does he really love me? Will he ever open up to me? These are all questions that I have been asking myself and I've believed that they are all true. I had to because it gave me hope of a future with him.

I still have a hope for a future with him, but it is in his hands. We don't have an end date to our break now because I gave him some leeway, but I've sort of given him an ultimatum to talk to me. If I don't hear from him by May 1st, I'll charge him for my bike tour bib and assume that we have broken up. To me, his lack of contact means that he doesn't care enough about me to meet up with me and discuss a longer break, like I asked. This means that he is still too afraid to let down his guard, confront his hurt and pain, talk to me, work together to become better, come to common understanding, forgive me and himself, and so much more. I can't keep wasting my time with someone who is not ready to be in a loving relationship and work through our differences and difficulties, especially after how much love, thoughtfulness, and care I've poured into him over this break and haven't expected anything in return. I'm ready to build a life with someone. I want a family. I want to spend almost every moment with the person I love. I want to live with my lover. I can't keep waiting for someone who doesn't want that. If he doesn't want that or me, then he doesn't deserve me. I'll wait for the time being, but sooner or later, he needs to face me. Otherwise, our relationship will just end without us even saying goodbye.

This is the reality of how I am feeling, melancholy. I have hope and I have doubts. Sure I am sad that I can't see the show with JP tomorrow night. Sure I am disappointed. But I am not letting it get to me or change the way I feel about JP. I know that he needs his space still. I know that he is still struggling. I know that I am no longer struggling and ready. I can't force him to do things. I've already tried to do that and it doesn't work. I am fine with our situation right now. I just hope that JP can start to progress and want to see me soon. I still have faith and believe that JP will be willing to meet with me and confront our demons together. I believe that he wants to make our relationship better. I believe that he will eventually be ready talk with me and want to get back together. I just hope that it is sooner than later. And if it is much later, I might have to face the reality of things and move on.

Hopefully, I'll one day be able to love JP like I am indestructible, but right  now, I can only try to be better and stronger for myself and for him.

Sacrifices

After thinking all day yesterday about my dream and the text messages that JP and exchanged, I feel strangely at peace with everything. I have a good idea where JP stands, how he feels, that he loves me, and what he's sort of going through. This is in addition to my greater understanding of how I feel about JP, our relationship, and where I believe that we are going. This peace is so strong that I believe that I will be fine with whatever JP decides what he wants to do.

One thing that has been sticking in my mind is that we both need to make sacrifices for each other, but not make sacrifices (or too many sacrifices) that cause us inner turmoil. In particular, we need to make the correct sacrifices that best help the other person, ourselves, and our relationship. I believe that we were both making the wrong sacrifices or not making any sacrifices at all at times. The problems with our sacrifices, among other issues, are what helped destroy the relationship. I think that JP started to make a lot of sacrifices that weren't good for him when he first asked me to be his boyfriend, and these sacrifices continued throughout the ensuing months. The problem was that I didn't realize that he was making all of these sacrifices for me until he told me in November that he was struggling to keep up with my demanding schedule and that he needed to start focusing on himself. I still don't fully know, understand, or comprehend what sacrifices he was making and how it effected him. I want to understand though. I want to know what was causing him so many problems and I need specific examples, not generalities. I need to talk with him and gain better understanding, so that we can make our relationship better.

After he told me his feelings, I started making sacrifices in order to be better for him. I stopped doing some of the things that I loved doing for him (e.g. making him breakfast on weekends). I started following his more relaxed schedule on the weekend. I stopped planning formal activities for the weekends. I stopped cooking, baking, and going to bakeries or restaurants with him. I gave him his distance and let him cancel on me a lot when I wanted to be closer to him and to spend time with him. I gave up trying to take care of him because he seemed to get mad at me when I tried to. These were very difficult for me to give up, but it never felt like it was enough. I felt like I needed to give up more for him to be happy for him to want to be around me. Also, I felt like I had to not care about how it made me feel. I'm sure that he gave up a lot of what he loved to do to be with me as well and that he continued to give up things while he was going through hell. That's not the way it is supposed to be. We aren't supposed to give up everything to make each other happy. We should be giving and taking, and it should be close to equal.

All of these sacrifices, especially of giving up things that are part of my core persona, was hard for me and caused me a lot of inner turmoil. Because I felt like I could not help JP, that I could not give up enough for him, that I could not please him anymore, and that he was pulling away from me, I became sad and confused with our relationship. For a long time, I was afraid to tell him these things. I wasn't sure how to proceed forward. I believe that there were times I tried to tell him, but I felt like my words fell on deaf ears or that he could stop doing things after I told him things were getting better. This is when things really started to come to a head for me probably in the middle of February. I started to take my own initiative, stopped making as many sacrifices, and attempted to make him start making sacrifices for me again. Namely, I became selfish and started doing what I needed to become healthy and tried to get JP to do what I thought would be healthy for our relationship. In reality it was what I thought would be good for me and not him. I became more demanding and would badger him a lot on how he needs to help me and how he needs to take care of me. I hadn't been feeling like I had been taken care of in about 4 months and that I felt like I was always pandering to JP and trying to make him happy. I don't know if I ever expressed that to him, but I know that I did tell him what he needed to do to be a better boyfriend. I even did that at the time when we were discussing our break--he just sat there and took it. It was horrible of me.

This break has been good though because it has really opened my eyes to our situation. It has made me realize that we need to find balance in our relationship. Both he and I were off balance with each other because he and I are different in some, but not all aspects. Even though we are different, it doesn't mean that we can't use our common ground and find balance. These are things that I believe we need to do to become better for one another. First, we need to communicate better and not be afraid to express our feelings. I need to shut my mouth and he needs to talk and express his feelings to me more. Second, we both need to be truthful and not hide our feelings. Third, we need to understand each others needs and try to fulfill those needs. Fourth, we both have to start making the correct sacrifices that are good for the relationship and each of us individually. Fifth, we need to stop making too many sacrifices that cause us inner turmoil and throw us off balance. Sixth, if and when we get off balance, we need to discuss it before it becomes a huge problem. Seventh, we need to make goals for our relationship and ourselves, and help each other reach and stay on the path of those goals. Eighth, we need to work TOGETHER and not separately if we are going to be building a life together. Ninth, we need to put our trust in one another. Finally, we need to spend time with one another in a loving environment, not tear each other down, and not have only one person in control. We need to be partners on the same team--team JP and Sean.

On My Own

Last night I had the same dream that I had a couple months ago when Jakob told me that he was struggling with alcohol. This time the dream was much more clear and I remembered a lot more of it. The first time I had the dream, all that I remembered was feeling like I couldn't do this on my own and that I had failed in protecting him--he died at the hands of the monsters I couldn't defeat. Now, I have a better understanding of the dream and why I felt that way.

The dream starts with Jakob and I in an adventure in a peaceful village. We are exploring the world together, laughing, and marveling at all of the sites. Progressively overtime, we wander into a more dangerous area that occurs so gradually that we never even noticed the change until it was too late. All of the sudden, we are surround by gigantic monsters. I quickly whipped out my book of magic and summoned Ifrit while I told Jakob to run away when he got the chance and to leave everything to me. Together Ifrit and I unleashed our magical powers to push back and kill the monsters to allow Jakob to escape. After one monster went down, another, stronger monster appeared. Jakob shouted that he could help, but I told him not to because I was his protector. I was doing everything in my power to subdue the monsters and protect Jakob, but it wasn't enough. Soon I ran out of magical strength and could no longer unleash spells. Ifrit had been killed. The monsters were lurking after Jakob to steal the light out of him. As a last ditch effort, I threw myself at the monsters and they tossed me aside. I watched helplessly as they stole Jakob's light. The monsters started laughing and showed me that they had stolen the light and life out of everyone that I loved. There was nothing that I could do about it. Then they left me there to suffer for the rest of my life knowing that I couldn't protect my loved ones. I wasn't strong enough. I woke up crying. I have a greater sense of what was going on and the truth behind my dream.

Will I ever be strong enough to protect my loved ones on my own? I don't know. But I do know that I will be able to protect them with theirs and other's help.

What happened in the dream and what has happened between Jakob and I, was eerily accurate. I was fighting alone and not calling upon him for help. I was down right refusing his help and told him to escape. I was willing to sacrifice my self and my own sanity in order to protect him and help him to safety. That's not how it is supposed to be. We are supposed to be partners. We are supposed to be supporting each other and lifting one another up. Because I wasn't turning to him, I lost my way in the chaos of battling Jakob's monsters and some of my own. I'm guessing that I lost my way long before that though. I'm guessing that I had to always be the one in charge and that everything needed to be my way, which caused a lot of them problems. In short, I was selfishly selfless.

What shocks me is that I'm usually like this, especially in relationships. I'm usually the one who is supporting and building up the other person. Very rarely am I selfish. I was being very selfless with Neil and Jeff, and that caused problems in our relationship because I didn't feel like I was being taken care of. This time it was the other way around. I think it was because Jakob was the opposite of Neil and Jeff. Jakob was always taking care of me and wouldn't let me take care of him for a long time. I didn't and still don't know how to really take care of him. Eventually, I found out that he was hiding his struggles and needs from me in order to take care of me. After I started discovering his struggles, I took them upon myself and told myself that I was going to make him better. But when I first had the dream, I knew that I couldn't do it on my own. Initially, I wanted him to go to therapy, which he didn't go to, because I thought that it would help me. I still think it would be beneficial for him to go and provide some help to me, but instead of looking to Jakob for help, I wanted others to help him and me. I didn't fully listen to him and his needs. I should have been more watchful and less demeaning. I should have listened to his needs and continually asked him what we could do to battle these monsters together. With me trying to take control of the situation, I alienated him and myself more than ever. I caused a lot of the problems and the distance. I selfishly was trying to get him to conform to what I needed and what I thought that he needed, not actually paying attention to what he needed. I thought that I was doing the right thing, but I definitely wasn't. I feel horrible about it. I am better than what I became and I should have been better to Jakob.

I hope that his demons haven't destroyed him and stolen his light. I hope that there is still some light and love in his heart towards me. I want him by my side, working together to destroy the monsters. Together, we can do anything.