Sharing My Life

I read this quote earlier and have pondering it a lot because it speaks to me.

Here's the truth. I long to be in unpeopled places, and when I find them, I'm often overcome with aching loneliness. I miss the people I love. I desperately want to share these places, even if it means re-entering the fray.

There are so many times that I prefer to be alone. I like to do my own thing and I don't mind being on my own. I actually enjoy it! But when I do things alone, it reminds me of the people that I love and want to be with--I want to share my life with them. Life is much better when you have someone to share it with, whether it be family, friends, or a lover. Don't get me wrong, sometimes I need to be alone and do my own thing, but I'm realizing that I would prefer to have someone with me for my adventures, cooking, baking, etc. The feelings of sharing my life with someone has become stronger than ever, so much so that I fully believe that if I don't get married, I would raise a child on my own. I want to have someone with my throughout my life. Someone who loves me. Someone who is dedicated to me. Someone who I can teach and learn from. I don't want to live a life alone without anyone to care for and to care for me.

This is something that has been changing in the recent years. For a long time, I felt like I could be single for the rest of my life and be fine with it. I felt like I didn't need someone to share my life with, go on adventures together, eat delicious food with one another, and so much more. But that has been changing drastically. I think that I first started noticing it with Jeff. That's when I first started getting the inkling that I didn't want to do everything alone anymore. Then when I started seeing JP, these feelings came on much stronger. As we became closer, I wanted to spend as much time with him as I could. I wanted to experience everything with him and share everything with him. I didn't want to hold anything back. I started to feel like I was ready to move on to the next level with him.

When we started getting more distant, I became very sad and lonely. I wasn't doing the things that I loved anymore and I was waiting to do things with JP. I wanted to make sure that when we could get together and when he wanted to see me, that we would. Additionally, I didn't want to experience things without him. I wanted him there with me. This was hard for me because I wanted to see JP and do things with him much more often than he wanted. This caused me to be lonely and sad. I realize not that this was completely unhealthy. I needed to focus on myself more and do what would make me happy and prevent my loneliness and sadness from taking over my life. Luckily, it didn't take over and destroy me, but it did negatively affect me and our relationship.

I've gotten much better since being on break. I've been working out, cooking, baking, going to restaurants and shows, and doing things that I love because I want to. Yeah, I would LOVE to have JP along with me and share my experiences with him, but it isn't necessary anymore. If he wants to be with, he will be with me. If he wants to do something with me, he will. If he doesn't, that will be ok for a time, but if things don't get better I'll have to end our relationship. I can't force him to be with me and share our lives and experiences together. I know now that this is something that I strongly want and don't want to waste time on someone who doesn't feel the same towards me.

Why I Stay

On my trip to New Orleans with JH, I spent a lot of time thinking and talking about JP. I saw JP in everything down there. I wanted to share beignets with him. I wanted to explore the history of New Orleans with him. I wanted to listen and dance to jazz music with him. I wanted to buy cheesy gifts with him. I wanted to hold his hand while walking in the garden district. I wanted to see his face light up when he discovered something new. I wanted to see him jump around and act like a little kid while trying on masks. I wanted him with me. J didn't understand it. She met him once and liked him, in fact she really liked him. But she doesn't understand me staying in a relationship that is extremely difficult for JP and myself. She just sees the pain that I have been in and it doesn't make sense to her why I stay. I don't think that she understands the capacity of love because it is something that she's never experienced in a dating situation. But she made me think and reflect on why I continue to stay with JP.

It is interesting that the ones who hurt you the most are the ones you love them most. BUT even with all the pain, it's worth it. JP is near and dear to my heart. I don't know if he realizes it, but he is one of the only guys that I have dated that I can truly imagine building a future with IF we are able to get through this rough patch. This is why it hurts me so badly when I feel neglected and shafted, and when I get my feelings hurt by something that JP does. His hurts (big or small) hurt so much worse because he is the one that I love the most and the one who I want to protect me, build me up, and look out for me. He means so much more to me than anyone else.

That is why I stay--he means so much more to me than anyone else. I'm crazy in love with JP. It is as simple as that. Even though there are rough times, they all disappear for a moment when there are good times. I love and cherish those moments, and they keep me going--they give me hope. I don't feel like JP and I have differences in morals and values. The problem with our relationship is that it has been poisoned by negativity, hurt, poor coping mechanisms, and misinterpretation. These are things that we can work on and make better, which is why we went on a break.

I will have to pull my heart away/ 'Cause if I never leave I'll ruin yesterday/ It's not like my feet are stuck to the floor/ It's not like I'm wanting to know about the door/ I want you to throw my shoes in the fire/ And I'll watch the souls burn on the funeral pyre/ And I'm over and it will change my position/ And I'll know that nobody, nobody's listening/ And that's easy for me and it's better for the soul/ And it's better for you and it's better for me/ I will have to pull my heart away/ 'Cause if I never leave I'll ruin yesterday...     ~"Pull My Heart Away" by Jack Penate

We had to pull our hearts away from each other for a brief moment in order to prevent the relationship from being ruined. That is what I am doing right now and I am working to be a better, more understanding boyfriend to JP. I want to be better for him. I want to stay with him. I hope that he has been doing and feels the same during this break.

Through all this chaos, I still love JP. He still makes my heart race. Seeing him still excites me. We still have great chemistry in the sack. When I get a sweet message, gift, or anything from him, my spirit yearns to be closer to him. I want to continue to adventure with him, share my life with him, carrying him and myself up to a higher level, commit to him fully, and build a life and family with him. I stay because I love him and want a future with him.

Understanding Others

Today was a pretty good day. I still miss JP A LOT, but I was able to not think about him so much and the sadness wasn't as debilitating as it has been. Overall, I'm melancholy tonight.

As I was reading The Man in the High Castle by Philip K Dick tonight, I came across this passage that really made me think.

He thought, It is something that they do, something that they are. It is their unconsciousness. Their lack of knowledge about others. Their not being aware of what they do to others, the destruction they have caused and are causing. No, he thought. That isn't it. I don't know; I sense it, intuit it. But--they are purposely cruel... is that it? No. God, he thought. I can't find it, make it clear. Do they ignore parts of reality? Yes. But it is more. It is their plans.

I get this passage and I have felt what is going on in this passage. There have been many times that I told JP exactly how certain situations made me feel and how I needed more contact, more of what he used to do (now I realize that it wasn't the best approach), but it never seemed to stick with him. Things would be ok for awhile and then it would go back to the way things were. It made me wonder how he really felt about me and if he really loved me. Tonight, I'm realizing that it was most likely a lack of understanding and not being aware of what he was doing to me.

JP became so very focused on himself because he wasn't (isn't?) happy with himself. In fact, he told me that he hates himself. That honestly made me really sad because I love him so very much and can't understand why he hates himself (I'll come back to this). He had all of these plans for himself and he neglected or failed to notice the destruction he was causing on me and our relationship. I think that he was ignoring the reality of our relationship--it's potential to fall apart and my ability to stay strong. Instead, he was focused on his plans for himself and that caused a rift between us that may never be healed.

In the same line of thought... I also had a lack of knowledge towards JP. I for the most part had no idea what was going on, didn't understand what he was (is) going through, got very little feedback from him on what I could do better, and received scant insight through our interactions. All that I noticed was that he was pulling away from me, didn't want me taking care of him, didn't want to spend time with me, and didn't seem to want to take care of me. Because of these perceived insights, my messed up plans were to force us to go back to what we were and to get him to be what he once was. I started doing whatever I could to make him understand how I felt and do whatever I could to bring us together, but it wasn't good. I was forcing him to do things that he didn't want to do and I would start nitpicking at him. He told me when we called for the break that most of the time when we are together, I nag him about how he's changed and how he needs to be better, which is why he avoided me. While I can see that being true, I don't think that I was nagging him as much as he says I was, but I could be wrong. That's besides the point...

We both had plans that didn't align with one another. This caused us to lack insight into one another and prevented us from building each other up and supporting one another. We needed to come together and make plans together to build up ourselves, each other, and our relationship at the same time. I think that this would have been a better approach to help each other out. In order to do this, JP needs to talk to me more and open up about his feelings and I need to shut my mouth and quit expressing every last feeling that I have.

Now we are apart and working through things on our own. It shouldn't be this way and it makes me sad to think that this is what we've become. I hope that we can recover from this and become a power couple again. I miss him.

Never Going Back

I've been missing JP a lot today and thinking a lot about him and our relationship. I've realized a few things that I was doing that was damaging to our relationship. I was constantly trying to get us back to what we once were. I was happy then and he was somewhat happy, but as time progressed he was less happy in that relationship. Then things changed drastically. He did a complete 180 from what he was before. This was extremely hard for me. I don't do well with large changes in my life, especially if they are unexpected and I haven't had time to process these things. He just changed within the span of a couple weeks. "Heartbreak Dream" by Betty Who really spoke to me this morning during my workout. In particular, the lyrics, "In a moment, you were everything to me. In this moment, we're living in a heartbreak dream." In reality, this whole song speaks to me and makes me have all the feels when it comes to my relationship with JP.

In a moment, we were everything to each other and we would both do anything for one another. I still feel that way, but I don't know if JP feels that way. Now, I feel like, we're living in a heartbreak dream. When things changed in our relationship, my heart kept breaking. Nothing was the same and I didn't feel the same love from JP that I usually felt, and there were times that I stopped feeling it all together. In order to get those feelings back, I tried to get us to go back to what we were. I wanted JP to do what he used to do for me and start putting more in our relationship again. He would do it a little bit, but then would ultimately stop what I asked him. I think that he resented me a bit for making him do things that he didn't want to do. He would push back on the things that I requested him to do to help me out. I think he wanted to feel like he had control in the relationship when he didn't have much control anywhere else in his life and that I wasn't the boss. Then when things weren't going back to the way things were, I started nagging him more and more to do what I wanted and needed in order to feel loved and cared for the way that he used to make me feel. But he didn't want to. It pushed him further away and he hated spending time with me. He wouldn't even help me when I was sick, which was extremely hurtful and painful to me, and then expected me to take care of him when I wasn't fully better and when he was sick. That was probably the worst thing that he did to me besides his refusal to make a stronger attempt to go to therapy.

Anyway... I was always looking back and comparing new JP to old JP and trying to force him to return. But I've realized that we're never going back. We will never return to how we were before. There is a new JP and a new Sean in this relationship. Everything that we have been through together has shaped us and changed us. Now, it is just a question of if these two new people can make the relationship work. Do these new people even want to be together? Can these new people make a relationship work? Will these new people be able to meet halfway and work together? Do we even want to come together a build a similar relationship like we once had with one another? I'm not sure, but what now I know for sure is that we are never going back. We will never be the same and we will never be the way we were last summer and early fall. The sad thing is that I loved that relationship. I just hope that the new Sean and JP can come together and sort of develop a relationship that I look so fondly back on.

Spiralling Downward

It's been a week since JP and I went on a break. For the most part, it hasn't been too difficult because we weren't seeing each other very often as it was. The hard part for me is not messaging him, talking with him on the phone, and just hearing about his life. I care for him so much that it's hard to just let him go and not think about him. Overall, I've been a bit down this week. I miss JP and I miss him a lot. I think about cuddling with and spending time him. I dream about him at night and day dream about adventures with him during the day. I wonder what he's going through and if he is going to want to stay together or break up with me. He's become so much a part of me that I can't escape him. The sadness comes from seeing where our relationship is now, where it used to be, and where I want it to be now and in the future. I wonder what happened that pushed us in this direction. What was the cause of JP's change? Why has this change has made me so needy and insecure? Can we overcome these changes? Will we ever return back to what we once were and move to something greater?

Despite the sadness, the space between us has been good. It has allowed me to process my feelings and gain a better understanding of where I am at in my life. JP has been hitting all of my insecurities from my past relationships and these reasons ultimately became the reasons why I broke up with my past boyfriends. He has reminded me a lot of N. N was very selfish and thought only of himself. N would rarely do something for me, unless it sometimes involved buying a present for me, and he expected me to spend all of free time with him, wait for him to be free, go over to his place, never go out together, do what he wanted to do, he never planned dates, etc. While JP isn't as bad as N, he has been hitting on a lot of things that made me break up with N. JP has become selfish and really focused upon himself and not the relationship. He hasn't been there in times of need, like when I was ill with a Crohn's flare. He's stopping doing a lot of sweet things that he used to do for me. He is in control of the relationship and I have to wait until he wants to see me or when he wants to do something. I see a lot of what N was in JP and it makes me sad. I don't know why he has changed and I don't think that he knows either.

Then there is his similarities to J. J and I were very close, much like JP and myself used to be. Before he went to medical school, I talked to J every day via text or phone calls. He was sweet and responsive, and he would message me without me instigating. JP and I had become very similar to mine and J's relationship. We spent a lot of time together and tried to make time for one another, which included seeing each other, texting, and phone calls. It was great and it made me want to see and spend more time with JP. Then before our fight in October, things started changing. He started become more distant and cold towards. He slowly stopped texting, making time for me, calling me, and making plans. He was starting to pull away from me. It is hard because we got to a point where we were constantly talking intermittently. Then all of the sudden, that disappeared. JP said that he loves me and that he isn't pulling away, but that is exactly what it felt like. J said the same thing. Both of them didn't realize how much it was hurting me and making me insecure of our relationship. The worst part is that when I ask for help and ask them to do things, they would do it for awhile and then stop. Ultimately, J had to break up with me because I was putting too much pressure and stress upon him to be what he couldn't be, something that he used to be with me. I don't know if it was because he didn't care for me as much or if he was too focused on himself to express his love to me. What I do know is that the same thing is happening with JP and the exact same feelings are coming out in me. This caused me to spiral downward before and it has been doing the same for me since I first started noticing this back in November. Luckily, I've returned to therapy and have prevented a completely spiral downward. I'm still somewhat happy, but I'm overall sad and have been so since December/January. There have been moments of happiness and I cling on to those memories.

I hope that things will get back to normal after our break and that JP will still want to be with me, because I feel like he will be the one to break it off with me, unless he pushes me too far.

Silence

Silence is all that I get from JP.

He doesn't talk to me about anything important and it seems like he doesn't feel the need to. I've been struggling with him opening up to me the past four months and have fought to get him to talk about anything that has been going through his head and life. I don't know what happened that made him bottle up even more than ever. I constantly ask myself, "why doesn't he share with me anymore?" and "did I do something to cause him to bottle up?" I don't know the answer to these questions. He claims that I did nothing and that he has always been this way, but it isn't true. He was not always this way. He might have been more reserved than me, but it was never difficult to get him to talk about things. He used to talk and really open up to me. I loved hearing about his struggles, worries, thoughts, achievements, learnings, and fears. It made him seem so human and someone that I wanted to get to know better... someone that I could spend my life with and never get bored. Whenever he opened up to me, I was so much more attracted to him. His imperfections make him so much sexier. I hate dating robots that never make mistakes, never have problems, never fall apart, never have an opinion, never want to better themselves, etc. I want him to open up to me; I miss it tremendously.

In addition to him being bottled up, he is afraid to tell me how to be a better boyfriend. I asked him on numerous occasions what I could do to be better. He would give me general answers of "give me my space and let me do my thing" or he would tell me that I'm perfect and that I could do nothing better. First of all, I'm not perfect and I'm far from it. I have so many flaws that it is ridiculous. It's really hard for me to not know what I need to work on and what was pushing him away from me. I needed to give him space, but I still saw him self-destructing when I gave him that space. I couldn't give him the space he wanted. I had to step in and try to help, but I didn't know how. I saw that giving him space didn't help, so I tried to force him to notice the changes in himself to get him to change. But that wasn't a good method either. On Sunday, he finally told me that the reason why he would cancel on me and avoid hanging out with me was because I was constantly nagging him about how he changed and how he kept hurting me. I don't think that every time we get together it happens, but I know that it happens a lot. Why didn't he tell me this sooner? Why didn't he tell me what could help him? Why didn't he tell me that I was pushing him away? Why didn't he tell me that I needed to change my ways to better help him? I just don't understand. All that I get from him is silence. I don't have the answers, but I wish that he would have confided in me before we got to the point that we are today, on a break and potentially never getting back together again. Sigh...

Even though there is a lot wrong in our relationship right now, I still miss him terribly and love him so much. I hope things get better when this break is over.

A Nervous Robot

Apparently, JP is nervous about taking care of me and making sure that he meets my needs. This is sort of a mixed sign for me. It shows me that he is afraid of me and isn't comfortable in a skills to take care of me anymore, when he used to be so good at it. On the other hand, it shows that he is actually being a little bit more mindful of me. But overall, this makes me sad. It makes me sad because it shows me exactly where our relationship is... in a not very good place. He doesn't know how to take care of me properly anymore. He has fallen out of practice or forgotten how he used to be so good at taking care of me. But this is an accurate representation. He has been a terrible boyfriend since our first fight. He's easy to anger, gets frustrated with me, doesn't want to see me, never asks for help, never talks to me about important things, and has difficulty thinking of me. I will say that he has been slowly improving and making efforts to change, but it is still difficult. We are on a constant roller coaster that depends on his stress level. If he's in a good place, he will be a wonderful boyfriend and recognize my needs. If he's in a bad place, he is a terrible boyfriend and has no time for me.

It seems like he is also afraid of me. I hate that he's afraid and nervous around me. I wonder what makes him afraid of me. It's not like I'm going to do anything drastic or hit him. I just don't know how to prevent his fear. It makes our relationship fell robotic and unnatural. Everything is forced. His text messages are very forced. I feel like when he asks how I'm feeling, that it is just because it is an expectation that I have. It doesn't feel like it is something that he wants to do or know. It feels like it is something that he does out of fear so that he doesn't get in trouble with me later. The same goes for texting me when he wakes up or when he goes to bed. These are programmed responses in order to make me feel like there are no problems with our relationship. I just wish that things would go back to normal and feel natural again. Will they every be natural again?

Finally, the good... His nervousness shows me that he is thinking of me and how I will interpret his actions. This is a step forward. I feel like for so long that he has been mainly focusing on himself and not caring about me or our relationship. He has slowly been getting better, but at times it feels like we are barely making any progress. But I have to recognize that some progress is better than none and it is most definitely better than regression.

Overall, I feel sad about our relationship and how it has gotten to where it is today. I have hope that things will get better.