Spiralling Downward

It's been a week since JP and I went on a break. For the most part, it hasn't been too difficult because we weren't seeing each other very often as it was. The hard part for me is not messaging him, talking with him on the phone, and just hearing about his life. I care for him so much that it's hard to just let him go and not think about him. Overall, I've been a bit down this week. I miss JP and I miss him a lot. I think about cuddling with and spending time him. I dream about him at night and day dream about adventures with him during the day. I wonder what he's going through and if he is going to want to stay together or break up with me. He's become so much a part of me that I can't escape him. The sadness comes from seeing where our relationship is now, where it used to be, and where I want it to be now and in the future. I wonder what happened that pushed us in this direction. What was the cause of JP's change? Why has this change has made me so needy and insecure? Can we overcome these changes? Will we ever return back to what we once were and move to something greater?

Despite the sadness, the space between us has been good. It has allowed me to process my feelings and gain a better understanding of where I am at in my life. JP has been hitting all of my insecurities from my past relationships and these reasons ultimately became the reasons why I broke up with my past boyfriends. He has reminded me a lot of N. N was very selfish and thought only of himself. N would rarely do something for me, unless it sometimes involved buying a present for me, and he expected me to spend all of free time with him, wait for him to be free, go over to his place, never go out together, do what he wanted to do, he never planned dates, etc. While JP isn't as bad as N, he has been hitting on a lot of things that made me break up with N. JP has become selfish and really focused upon himself and not the relationship. He hasn't been there in times of need, like when I was ill with a Crohn's flare. He's stopping doing a lot of sweet things that he used to do for me. He is in control of the relationship and I have to wait until he wants to see me or when he wants to do something. I see a lot of what N was in JP and it makes me sad. I don't know why he has changed and I don't think that he knows either.

Then there is his similarities to J. J and I were very close, much like JP and myself used to be. Before he went to medical school, I talked to J every day via text or phone calls. He was sweet and responsive, and he would message me without me instigating. JP and I had become very similar to mine and J's relationship. We spent a lot of time together and tried to make time for one another, which included seeing each other, texting, and phone calls. It was great and it made me want to see and spend more time with JP. Then before our fight in October, things started changing. He started become more distant and cold towards. He slowly stopped texting, making time for me, calling me, and making plans. He was starting to pull away from me. It is hard because we got to a point where we were constantly talking intermittently. Then all of the sudden, that disappeared. JP said that he loves me and that he isn't pulling away, but that is exactly what it felt like. J said the same thing. Both of them didn't realize how much it was hurting me and making me insecure of our relationship. The worst part is that when I ask for help and ask them to do things, they would do it for awhile and then stop. Ultimately, J had to break up with me because I was putting too much pressure and stress upon him to be what he couldn't be, something that he used to be with me. I don't know if it was because he didn't care for me as much or if he was too focused on himself to express his love to me. What I do know is that the same thing is happening with JP and the exact same feelings are coming out in me. This caused me to spiral downward before and it has been doing the same for me since I first started noticing this back in November. Luckily, I've returned to therapy and have prevented a completely spiral downward. I'm still somewhat happy, but I'm overall sad and have been so since December/January. There have been moments of happiness and I cling on to those memories.

I hope that things will get back to normal after our break and that JP will still want to be with me, because I feel like he will be the one to break it off with me, unless he pushes me too far.