Why I Stay

On my trip to New Orleans with JH, I spent a lot of time thinking and talking about JP. I saw JP in everything down there. I wanted to share beignets with him. I wanted to explore the history of New Orleans with him. I wanted to listen and dance to jazz music with him. I wanted to buy cheesy gifts with him. I wanted to hold his hand while walking in the garden district. I wanted to see his face light up when he discovered something new. I wanted to see him jump around and act like a little kid while trying on masks. I wanted him with me. J didn't understand it. She met him once and liked him, in fact she really liked him. But she doesn't understand me staying in a relationship that is extremely difficult for JP and myself. She just sees the pain that I have been in and it doesn't make sense to her why I stay. I don't think that she understands the capacity of love because it is something that she's never experienced in a dating situation. But she made me think and reflect on why I continue to stay with JP.

It is interesting that the ones who hurt you the most are the ones you love them most. BUT even with all the pain, it's worth it. JP is near and dear to my heart. I don't know if he realizes it, but he is one of the only guys that I have dated that I can truly imagine building a future with IF we are able to get through this rough patch. This is why it hurts me so badly when I feel neglected and shafted, and when I get my feelings hurt by something that JP does. His hurts (big or small) hurt so much worse because he is the one that I love the most and the one who I want to protect me, build me up, and look out for me. He means so much more to me than anyone else.

That is why I stay--he means so much more to me than anyone else. I'm crazy in love with JP. It is as simple as that. Even though there are rough times, they all disappear for a moment when there are good times. I love and cherish those moments, and they keep me going--they give me hope. I don't feel like JP and I have differences in morals and values. The problem with our relationship is that it has been poisoned by negativity, hurt, poor coping mechanisms, and misinterpretation. These are things that we can work on and make better, which is why we went on a break.

I will have to pull my heart away/ 'Cause if I never leave I'll ruin yesterday/ It's not like my feet are stuck to the floor/ It's not like I'm wanting to know about the door/ I want you to throw my shoes in the fire/ And I'll watch the souls burn on the funeral pyre/ And I'm over and it will change my position/ And I'll know that nobody, nobody's listening/ And that's easy for me and it's better for the soul/ And it's better for you and it's better for me/ I will have to pull my heart away/ 'Cause if I never leave I'll ruin yesterday...     ~"Pull My Heart Away" by Jack Penate

We had to pull our hearts away from each other for a brief moment in order to prevent the relationship from being ruined. That is what I am doing right now and I am working to be a better, more understanding boyfriend to JP. I want to be better for him. I want to stay with him. I hope that he has been doing and feels the same during this break.

Through all this chaos, I still love JP. He still makes my heart race. Seeing him still excites me. We still have great chemistry in the sack. When I get a sweet message, gift, or anything from him, my spirit yearns to be closer to him. I want to continue to adventure with him, share my life with him, carrying him and myself up to a higher level, commit to him fully, and build a life and family with him. I stay because I love him and want a future with him.