Silence

Silence is all that I get from JP.

He doesn't talk to me about anything important and it seems like he doesn't feel the need to. I've been struggling with him opening up to me the past four months and have fought to get him to talk about anything that has been going through his head and life. I don't know what happened that made him bottle up even more than ever. I constantly ask myself, "why doesn't he share with me anymore?" and "did I do something to cause him to bottle up?" I don't know the answer to these questions. He claims that I did nothing and that he has always been this way, but it isn't true. He was not always this way. He might have been more reserved than me, but it was never difficult to get him to talk about things. He used to talk and really open up to me. I loved hearing about his struggles, worries, thoughts, achievements, learnings, and fears. It made him seem so human and someone that I wanted to get to know better... someone that I could spend my life with and never get bored. Whenever he opened up to me, I was so much more attracted to him. His imperfections make him so much sexier. I hate dating robots that never make mistakes, never have problems, never fall apart, never have an opinion, never want to better themselves, etc. I want him to open up to me; I miss it tremendously.

In addition to him being bottled up, he is afraid to tell me how to be a better boyfriend. I asked him on numerous occasions what I could do to be better. He would give me general answers of "give me my space and let me do my thing" or he would tell me that I'm perfect and that I could do nothing better. First of all, I'm not perfect and I'm far from it. I have so many flaws that it is ridiculous. It's really hard for me to not know what I need to work on and what was pushing him away from me. I needed to give him space, but I still saw him self-destructing when I gave him that space. I couldn't give him the space he wanted. I had to step in and try to help, but I didn't know how. I saw that giving him space didn't help, so I tried to force him to notice the changes in himself to get him to change. But that wasn't a good method either. On Sunday, he finally told me that the reason why he would cancel on me and avoid hanging out with me was because I was constantly nagging him about how he changed and how he kept hurting me. I don't think that every time we get together it happens, but I know that it happens a lot. Why didn't he tell me this sooner? Why didn't he tell me what could help him? Why didn't he tell me that I was pushing him away? Why didn't he tell me that I needed to change my ways to better help him? I just don't understand. All that I get from him is silence. I don't have the answers, but I wish that he would have confided in me before we got to the point that we are today, on a break and potentially never getting back together again. Sigh...

Even though there is a lot wrong in our relationship right now, I still miss him terribly and love him so much. I hope things get better when this break is over.