Never Going Back

I've been missing JP a lot today and thinking a lot about him and our relationship. I've realized a few things that I was doing that was damaging to our relationship. I was constantly trying to get us back to what we once were. I was happy then and he was somewhat happy, but as time progressed he was less happy in that relationship. Then things changed drastically. He did a complete 180 from what he was before. This was extremely hard for me. I don't do well with large changes in my life, especially if they are unexpected and I haven't had time to process these things. He just changed within the span of a couple weeks. "Heartbreak Dream" by Betty Who really spoke to me this morning during my workout. In particular, the lyrics, "In a moment, you were everything to me. In this moment, we're living in a heartbreak dream." In reality, this whole song speaks to me and makes me have all the feels when it comes to my relationship with JP.

In a moment, we were everything to each other and we would both do anything for one another. I still feel that way, but I don't know if JP feels that way. Now, I feel like, we're living in a heartbreak dream. When things changed in our relationship, my heart kept breaking. Nothing was the same and I didn't feel the same love from JP that I usually felt, and there were times that I stopped feeling it all together. In order to get those feelings back, I tried to get us to go back to what we were. I wanted JP to do what he used to do for me and start putting more in our relationship again. He would do it a little bit, but then would ultimately stop what I asked him. I think that he resented me a bit for making him do things that he didn't want to do. He would push back on the things that I requested him to do to help me out. I think he wanted to feel like he had control in the relationship when he didn't have much control anywhere else in his life and that I wasn't the boss. Then when things weren't going back to the way things were, I started nagging him more and more to do what I wanted and needed in order to feel loved and cared for the way that he used to make me feel. But he didn't want to. It pushed him further away and he hated spending time with me. He wouldn't even help me when I was sick, which was extremely hurtful and painful to me, and then expected me to take care of him when I wasn't fully better and when he was sick. That was probably the worst thing that he did to me besides his refusal to make a stronger attempt to go to therapy.

Anyway... I was always looking back and comparing new JP to old JP and trying to force him to return. But I've realized that we're never going back. We will never return to how we were before. There is a new JP and a new Sean in this relationship. Everything that we have been through together has shaped us and changed us. Now, it is just a question of if these two new people can make the relationship work. Do these new people even want to be together? Can these new people make a relationship work? Will these new people be able to meet halfway and work together? Do we even want to come together a build a similar relationship like we once had with one another? I'm not sure, but what now I know for sure is that we are never going back. We will never be the same and we will never be the way we were last summer and early fall. The sad thing is that I loved that relationship. I just hope that the new Sean and JP can come together and sort of develop a relationship that I look so fondly back on.