Understanding Others

Today was a pretty good day. I still miss JP A LOT, but I was able to not think about him so much and the sadness wasn't as debilitating as it has been. Overall, I'm melancholy tonight.

As I was reading The Man in the High Castle by Philip K Dick tonight, I came across this passage that really made me think.

He thought, It is something that they do, something that they are. It is their unconsciousness. Their lack of knowledge about others. Their not being aware of what they do to others, the destruction they have caused and are causing. No, he thought. That isn't it. I don't know; I sense it, intuit it. But--they are purposely cruel... is that it? No. God, he thought. I can't find it, make it clear. Do they ignore parts of reality? Yes. But it is more. It is their plans.

I get this passage and I have felt what is going on in this passage. There have been many times that I told JP exactly how certain situations made me feel and how I needed more contact, more of what he used to do (now I realize that it wasn't the best approach), but it never seemed to stick with him. Things would be ok for awhile and then it would go back to the way things were. It made me wonder how he really felt about me and if he really loved me. Tonight, I'm realizing that it was most likely a lack of understanding and not being aware of what he was doing to me.

JP became so very focused on himself because he wasn't (isn't?) happy with himself. In fact, he told me that he hates himself. That honestly made me really sad because I love him so very much and can't understand why he hates himself (I'll come back to this). He had all of these plans for himself and he neglected or failed to notice the destruction he was causing on me and our relationship. I think that he was ignoring the reality of our relationship--it's potential to fall apart and my ability to stay strong. Instead, he was focused on his plans for himself and that caused a rift between us that may never be healed.

In the same line of thought... I also had a lack of knowledge towards JP. I for the most part had no idea what was going on, didn't understand what he was (is) going through, got very little feedback from him on what I could do better, and received scant insight through our interactions. All that I noticed was that he was pulling away from me, didn't want me taking care of him, didn't want to spend time with me, and didn't seem to want to take care of me. Because of these perceived insights, my messed up plans were to force us to go back to what we were and to get him to be what he once was. I started doing whatever I could to make him understand how I felt and do whatever I could to bring us together, but it wasn't good. I was forcing him to do things that he didn't want to do and I would start nitpicking at him. He told me when we called for the break that most of the time when we are together, I nag him about how he's changed and how he needs to be better, which is why he avoided me. While I can see that being true, I don't think that I was nagging him as much as he says I was, but I could be wrong. That's besides the point...

We both had plans that didn't align with one another. This caused us to lack insight into one another and prevented us from building each other up and supporting one another. We needed to come together and make plans together to build up ourselves, each other, and our relationship at the same time. I think that this would have been a better approach to help each other out. In order to do this, JP needs to talk to me more and open up about his feelings and I need to shut my mouth and quit expressing every last feeling that I have.

Now we are apart and working through things on our own. It shouldn't be this way and it makes me sad to think that this is what we've become. I hope that we can recover from this and become a power couple again. I miss him.