Sharing My Life

I read this quote earlier and have pondering it a lot because it speaks to me.

Here's the truth. I long to be in unpeopled places, and when I find them, I'm often overcome with aching loneliness. I miss the people I love. I desperately want to share these places, even if it means re-entering the fray.

There are so many times that I prefer to be alone. I like to do my own thing and I don't mind being on my own. I actually enjoy it! But when I do things alone, it reminds me of the people that I love and want to be with--I want to share my life with them. Life is much better when you have someone to share it with, whether it be family, friends, or a lover. Don't get me wrong, sometimes I need to be alone and do my own thing, but I'm realizing that I would prefer to have someone with me for my adventures, cooking, baking, etc. The feelings of sharing my life with someone has become stronger than ever, so much so that I fully believe that if I don't get married, I would raise a child on my own. I want to have someone with my throughout my life. Someone who loves me. Someone who is dedicated to me. Someone who I can teach and learn from. I don't want to live a life alone without anyone to care for and to care for me.

This is something that has been changing in the recent years. For a long time, I felt like I could be single for the rest of my life and be fine with it. I felt like I didn't need someone to share my life with, go on adventures together, eat delicious food with one another, and so much more. But that has been changing drastically. I think that I first started noticing it with Jeff. That's when I first started getting the inkling that I didn't want to do everything alone anymore. Then when I started seeing JP, these feelings came on much stronger. As we became closer, I wanted to spend as much time with him as I could. I wanted to experience everything with him and share everything with him. I didn't want to hold anything back. I started to feel like I was ready to move on to the next level with him.

When we started getting more distant, I became very sad and lonely. I wasn't doing the things that I loved anymore and I was waiting to do things with JP. I wanted to make sure that when we could get together and when he wanted to see me, that we would. Additionally, I didn't want to experience things without him. I wanted him there with me. This was hard for me because I wanted to see JP and do things with him much more often than he wanted. This caused me to be lonely and sad. I realize not that this was completely unhealthy. I needed to focus on myself more and do what would make me happy and prevent my loneliness and sadness from taking over my life. Luckily, it didn't take over and destroy me, but it did negatively affect me and our relationship.

I've gotten much better since being on break. I've been working out, cooking, baking, going to restaurants and shows, and doing things that I love because I want to. Yeah, I would LOVE to have JP along with me and share my experiences with him, but it isn't necessary anymore. If he wants to be with, he will be with me. If he wants to do something with me, he will. If he doesn't, that will be ok for a time, but if things don't get better I'll have to end our relationship. I can't force him to be with me and share our lives and experiences together. I know now that this is something that I strongly want and don't want to waste time on someone who doesn't feel the same towards me.