A Nervous Robot

Apparently, JP is nervous about taking care of me and making sure that he meets my needs. This is sort of a mixed sign for me. It shows me that he is afraid of me and isn't comfortable in a skills to take care of me anymore, when he used to be so good at it. On the other hand, it shows that he is actually being a little bit more mindful of me. But overall, this makes me sad. It makes me sad because it shows me exactly where our relationship is... in a not very good place. He doesn't know how to take care of me properly anymore. He has fallen out of practice or forgotten how he used to be so good at taking care of me. But this is an accurate representation. He has been a terrible boyfriend since our first fight. He's easy to anger, gets frustrated with me, doesn't want to see me, never asks for help, never talks to me about important things, and has difficulty thinking of me. I will say that he has been slowly improving and making efforts to change, but it is still difficult. We are on a constant roller coaster that depends on his stress level. If he's in a good place, he will be a wonderful boyfriend and recognize my needs. If he's in a bad place, he is a terrible boyfriend and has no time for me.

It seems like he is also afraid of me. I hate that he's afraid and nervous around me. I wonder what makes him afraid of me. It's not like I'm going to do anything drastic or hit him. I just don't know how to prevent his fear. It makes our relationship fell robotic and unnatural. Everything is forced. His text messages are very forced. I feel like when he asks how I'm feeling, that it is just because it is an expectation that I have. It doesn't feel like it is something that he wants to do or know. It feels like it is something that he does out of fear so that he doesn't get in trouble with me later. The same goes for texting me when he wakes up or when he goes to bed. These are programmed responses in order to make me feel like there are no problems with our relationship. I just wish that things would go back to normal and feel natural again. Will they every be natural again?

Finally, the good... His nervousness shows me that he is thinking of me and how I will interpret his actions. This is a step forward. I feel like for so long that he has been mainly focusing on himself and not caring about me or our relationship. He has slowly been getting better, but at times it feels like we are barely making any progress. But I have to recognize that some progress is better than none and it is most definitely better than regression.

Overall, I feel sad about our relationship and how it has gotten to where it is today. I have hope that things will get better.