Precious Life

Yesterday was a hard day for me.

Yesterday a friend passed away in the worst way.

Yesterday I struggled with many emotions and cried.

Yesterday I missed JP and just wanted to have him hold me while I cried.

Yesterday my friends surrounded me with love.

Yesterday I opened up and took off my mask.

Yesterday was a time for contemplations about how precious life is. There has been a lot of human loss within in my life lately. The loss of JP. The horrific events within the LGBT community in Orlando. The questions of friendships not being what they seemed. The death of a friend. All of these losses have pushed me to think about how precious life is.

A lot of us take life for granted. I am guilty of this. Many of us go about our lives and just live without really noticing or being grateful for how wonderful our lives are. This has been me lately. I have just been living and focusing on myself and my problems. While I think that it has been necessary for me to do this because it has helped me move forward, it is also time to start noticing all of the good in my life and being grateful for the opportunities that I have and for the love from those around me. I've been a bit selfish and need to start being more selfless again.

Others out there are struggling with the desire to survive or the ability to survive. This realization makes me sad. It makes me sad that some people do not have the ability to survive because they don't have enough money for food, shelter, and protection. It makes me sad because some people feel like they are not loved, cared about, and supported. Every life is precious. Everyone deserves a chance to live life to the fullest and feel like they are loved and supported.

I wish that I could do more. I want to do more. I'm going to start reaching out to others more often with a simple hello and smile. I'm going to start talking to friends a bit more often to find out how they are truly doing. I'm going to continue to volunteer at my school's free medical clinic and volunteer more often with New York Cares. I hope that others will do the same.

Let's all work together to make this world a better place and help those in need of love, support, food, shelter, and so much more!

PS. I don't know who reads my blog anymore. I'm completely fine with that and kind of like the anonymity, but I want you all to know that I am grateful to have you in my life and supporting me. I hope that in a way that I am supporting you as well! I hope you know that your life is precious. If you ever need to talk to me about anything, feel free to email me or call me.

Right Here, Right Now

My heart was majorly broken two times within the span of two years. The end of those relationships really hurt me and with this current breakup with JP, there are times that I am struggling to get back to my old, optimistic self. I'm slowly getting there though. But I don't think I will ever be the same. A lot has changed within me in my year and a half of knowing JP. My core is still the same, but aspects of me have changed, some for the good and some for the bad. JP caused me to grow in ways that really pushed me to be better, brought out some bad coping mechanisms, prepared me to move to the next level in relationships, and taught me a lot about who I am and what I need (I'll write about this later). In many ways, I feel like I have leveled up as a person, even though I at times feel like I am careening down a mountain and falling apart. Overall, I have grown, become something greater, and gained more knowledge about myself and relationships that will allow me to be a better man, husband, and father.

Lately, I've been so focused on the future (where I want to be) and the past (what I once had), that I've neglected the present. I've let my work slide. I've lost motivation. I've lost my sense of fulfillment. I day dream all the time (only bad because it gets in the way). I've stopped doing things that I love. I've become lazy. I'm unfocused. I need to be better about focusing on the present and living in the moment. There is so much going on and that I need to accomplish that I need to remember what I am supposed to be doing, instead of remembering the past, dreaming of the future that never will be, and focusing on a future that I want.

A couple weeks ago, I read an article and this quote stood out to me.

Sometimes if we’re not yet where we want to be in life, maybe we’re right we’re supposed to be. That idea helps me keep trucking along, keep dreaming, keep working, keep rigging up problems with experimental solutions.                                         -Nicole from The Art of Simple

In my pursuit to learn from my mistakes and try to be the best boyfriend, father, husband and have the amazing life that I dream of, I have neglected the present. The ideal that I see ahead of myself isn't always the best to be focusing on. Sure it is what I want and it is a good long term goal, BUT I need to remember where I currently am at and not discouraged. Just because I'm not where I want to be in life, doesn't mean that I am not getting there. I will get to where I want to be in life. I just need to be better about being patient and learning the lessons life is giving me now. These lessons will teach me to be better and will help me get to where I want to be.

Today, I'm right where I am supposed to be. Today, I will learn something that will help me get where I want to be. Today, there will a lesson that will make me a better person. Today, I need to live in the here and now. Today will help me get to where I want to be.

5 Minute Life Check: August

I was reading a blog the other day, which posed all of the questions below (plus my answers). The blogger said that she goes through these questions monthly as fast as she can (about 5 minutes) and answers them with whatever first comes to her mind. This is supposed to help her get a sense of where she is at in life. I'm going to start doing this on a monthly basis and record my progress here. It will be interesting to see how my life changes over the coming months, because I feel like there will be a lot of growth and changes occurring.

In other news, I've started writing simple poetry to allow me to express my feelings better. It is simple and nothing great, but I might share some of my better poems here. Anyway, below are the answers to my month check.

I think… about JP--why we didn’t work out and what I could have done better

I wonder… if I’ll ever find a man to spend the rest of my life with who loves me as much as I love him

I want… to find fulfillment in all aspects of my life

I dream… that one day I will have everything that I hope for and that I can make a lasting influence in the world

I speak… about how well I’m doing, when I’m really hiding behind a mask

I act… like my heart isn’t still broken and that I’m ready to move on and start over

I honor… myself by doing what I believe to be what is right

I cry… because I am still grieving my loss

I see… a future where I no longer will be grieving

I feel… as though there is good coming around the corner

I manage… to make it through work when I really am struggling to find motivation and fulfillment

I support… my labmates, my roommates, my friends, my family, my fish, and my plants

I seek… a greater knowledge that will bring me to a better understanding of the world and life

I find… that life is continually more difficult than I expect it to be

I teach… others by example and hope that I am making this world a better place

I learn… that I still have a lot of growing to do

I am… Sean, and I am a trophy husband and a catch

I smile… because despite everything, my life is good

I love… spending time with the ones that I love

Monthly Check Questions

Here are the monthly check questions without answers (see more recent post for details)

I think…

I wonder…

I want…

I dream…

I speak…

I act…

I honor…

I cry…

I see…

I feel…

I manage…

I support…

I seek…

I find…

I teach…

I learn…

I am…

I (create your own) _____…

I love…

Pride Solidarity

Pride weekend was a very touching and emotional weekend for me.

Friday was a rough day. I woke up fine, but then it quickly turned into a swirl of emotions. My overall feelings were sadness about my situation with JP (I'll write more about what's going on later). I spent a good portion of my day almost in tears and ready to breakdown at any moment. I still love him so much and want to be with him. It's difficult for me to completely let him go and to think that he wants to completely let me go. The day got better after work though. I went to the Met with some friends for a pride celebration there. We listened to the NYC Gay Men's Chorus perform, had a silent dance party among an ancient Egyptian temple, and listened to people discuss gender and queer identity within art. Overall, it was wonderful. It was also wonderful to see so many LGBT and straight individuals coming together to celebrate acceptance and love, in addition to exploring the meaning of being different in society.

On Saturday, I went to the beach and didn't do much pride celebrations. But I did go out for a bit. It was so great to see the community coming together and thriving, despite the mass shooting in Orlando. The only downside is that I wish that I could have celebrated with JP.

Sunday was spectacular! The pride parade was definitely the best and largest pride parade that I have ever attended. There was so much support and love from so many people from different walks of life who marched in the parade or who just came to watch the parade. I was so impressed with how many groups were commemorating the people who died in Orlando, yet also still walking in solidarity with pride, fierceness, and progress. One thing that struck me was that our community never gives up and we move forward with solidarity. We see that we have to keep on fighting and growing to combat discrimination and hate. It all started back at the Stonewall Riots and it has only grown. We have gotten more rights, but we still have a lot more to gain in order to achieve full love, support, and rights from the world. We may be different in who we are attracted to, but we are humans like everyone else. We will never give up and our community will keep growing. Our community is alive and vibrant despite all that is going on, and together we can make a difference in the world. We can bring people together who feel left out and different--we are welcoming of everyone. Love trumps hate and love wins!

At the parade, I started to struggle a lot. There were many times that I was in tears due to the love and support, but also from sadness. My sadness stemmed from not having JP there by my side. I was constantly looking for him. In my head, I was hoping that I would see him, that he would run up to me, and that everything would be ok again. Sadly, that didn't happen and I just spent time processing my emotions. Seeing the commemoration of the Orlando victims was a huge reminder for me to treasure the ones that I love, fight for them, and keep them close. My desire to fight for JP has never been stronger. I want him in my life so badly. He means the world to me, and I just wish that we could find a way to move beyond our struggles. I'm still trying to figure out the best way forward with him, but what I do know is that I love him and that I want my future to be with him by my side.

Follow Your Heart

Despite all of our troubles and our break up, the following statement that I wrote a couple weeks ago is still true. “JP, I think that you are my soul mate but only time will reveal the truth. Despite all of our troubles, everyday I’m falling more in love with you. I can’t wait to see what will happen between us…” 

I've been doing a lot of thinking since the breakup, especially in the aftermath of the Orlando shooting. Life is just so fragile and it ends all too soon. That is why we have to keep the ones we love closer to us and strive to never push them away. I'm very much in love with JP and I can picture a real, loving future with him. I'm not ready to let him go that easily and I want to fight for him. I want to work things out with him. I want to follow my heart and get back together with him. The question is, what do I do to get him back? How can I get him back? Will he come back to me? Does he even want me back or has written me off completely?

These are all excellent questions that I need to ponder and think about. I believe that JP still loves and cares about me deeply, in fact he told me this. I also believe that deep down, he still wants to be with me, but there are things keeping him from being with me. His actions speak volumes to me in and tell me that he wants to be with me, but seems confused. There are times that he is very sweet--he flew my mother to and from SLC-JFK with a special pass that he was saving for himself, he spent a good amount of time with my mom and I while she was here, he checks in on me, he messages me when he is reminded of things that we did together or of things that reminds him of me. Then there is the flip side where I don't hear from him, he doesn't do what he says, and he avoids talking to me. These actions show confusion on his part and mirrors my own confusion about our relationship and how he feels about me. But I feel like his love and care for me is deep and real.

I'm trying to figure out what to do. Our relationship is officially over. I want to give him the space he needs to figure things out, but I also want to try and remain close to him. I feel like if I let him go completely, I'll lose him forever. I WANT to fight for him. I just need to figure out the best way to fight for him and not push him away.

What Does He Want?

What does he want from me?

I have no idea. I'm so confused right now, more so than ever. JP keeps pushing me away and wants distance, but when I give him that distance and I start doing my own thing, he is hurt and wants me to be close to him. This weekend/week is a prime example.

I noticed that something was off with JP when we went to dinner and the show on Saturday. I couldn't put my finger on it, but there was definitely something there. When Kevin and first met him at the bar, he was very cold and distant. He would barely kiss me. Once we got to the table, things got slightly better. He warmed up and started interacting with everyone. Eventually, we were all talking and joking. JP was touching me and I was touching him. He was joking and making fun of me. It was really nice. It felt like our most genuine interaction in a long time. But there were always some moments that JP would shut down and be distant. He seemed hurt that I went to see Sing Street with Kevin and didn't invite him. JP and I had talked about going to see that together, but I didn't think that was going to happen anymore. When Kevin said he wanted to see it, I decided to go with him because I didn't want to miss seeing the show. Additionally, JP seemed really hurt that I didn't invite him to go out with Eric, Tom, and me. I thought about inviting him, but I didn't want to be turned down again, which is why I didn't invite him. I thought that he wouldn't come (like everything else I have invited him to since the break outside of our scheduled dates) and I am getting sick of get a "no, I've got plans" or "no, I can't" from him. After being turned down so many times, it doesn't make me want to ask him to hang out with me anymore. I also felt that he always goes out with his friends without inviting me and there is no problem with me doing the same. I didn't get the chance to explain any of this to him because Mandy and Kevin returned from the bathroom. At the show, I didn't try to hold his hand. I wanted him to make the move. Eventually, he did make the move, but it didn't feel like he wanted to. But I was happy that he made the motion nonetheless.

After the show, I could definitely tell that something was bothering him, but I didn't press him. If he wanted to come over or invite me over to talk, I would have been more than willing, but he said that he wanted to go home and didn't invite me back with him. I told him to have a good trip home and he said that we would talk before then, and I took that was a good sign, but it did cause me to think that something was up.

On Sunday, I invited him over for rhubarb sticky bun, but he again turned me down and said that he was going to church. He didn't offer to come over another time or suggest that we see each other after work, which was fine because I've learned to accept that he doesn't make alternative suggestions. Then I went about my business for the day and had a wonderful day!

Monday night comes and he messages me to see how my day was. He went back and forth for awhile and it sounded like he had a long and hard day. I was to the RuPaul Drag Race season finale/coronation ceremony with Teddy when he asked me if I was home. I told him no and told him where I was at. He was really hurt that I didn't invite him. I didn't invite him because I had bought tickets weeks before and I wasn't sure if he'd even want to come for all of the reasons stated earlier. He was sad and he wanted to be there, and I truly felt bad that I didn't invite him when I first bought tickets.

I tried calling him on Tuesday night, but he didn't pick up or call me back. I asked him to call me Wednesday morning, but he didn't. He just sent a text saying that he was on his way to Cuba, which I am really excited about for him!

This whole weekend/week was strange to me. JP has been telling me for a long time that he wants the distance from me and only wants to see me once a week. Then when I start to do things without him, he gets hurt and mad at me. I guess that this is really the first couple of weeks where I started to really pull away and do my own thing, basically doing what he does. Maybe he is feeling like he is losing me? I don't know. But it is killing me because I don't know what he wants from me. I can't be at his beck and call whenever he wants, especially when he doesn't give me much. I have a life as well. If he gave me more, I would definitely be more willing to be at his beck and call, and invite him to more things, but he isn't. Sometimes I feel like I am not even his boyfriend, which is difficult on me. JP and I really need to talk about everything. I need to know where he is at and what he wants/needs.