On My Own

Last night I had the same dream that I had a couple months ago when Jakob told me that he was struggling with alcohol. This time the dream was much more clear and I remembered a lot more of it. The first time I had the dream, all that I remembered was feeling like I couldn't do this on my own and that I had failed in protecting him--he died at the hands of the monsters I couldn't defeat. Now, I have a better understanding of the dream and why I felt that way.

The dream starts with Jakob and I in an adventure in a peaceful village. We are exploring the world together, laughing, and marveling at all of the sites. Progressively overtime, we wander into a more dangerous area that occurs so gradually that we never even noticed the change until it was too late. All of the sudden, we are surround by gigantic monsters. I quickly whipped out my book of magic and summoned Ifrit while I told Jakob to run away when he got the chance and to leave everything to me. Together Ifrit and I unleashed our magical powers to push back and kill the monsters to allow Jakob to escape. After one monster went down, another, stronger monster appeared. Jakob shouted that he could help, but I told him not to because I was his protector. I was doing everything in my power to subdue the monsters and protect Jakob, but it wasn't enough. Soon I ran out of magical strength and could no longer unleash spells. Ifrit had been killed. The monsters were lurking after Jakob to steal the light out of him. As a last ditch effort, I threw myself at the monsters and they tossed me aside. I watched helplessly as they stole Jakob's light. The monsters started laughing and showed me that they had stolen the light and life out of everyone that I loved. There was nothing that I could do about it. Then they left me there to suffer for the rest of my life knowing that I couldn't protect my loved ones. I wasn't strong enough. I woke up crying. I have a greater sense of what was going on and the truth behind my dream.

Will I ever be strong enough to protect my loved ones on my own? I don't know. But I do know that I will be able to protect them with theirs and other's help.

What happened in the dream and what has happened between Jakob and I, was eerily accurate. I was fighting alone and not calling upon him for help. I was down right refusing his help and told him to escape. I was willing to sacrifice my self and my own sanity in order to protect him and help him to safety. That's not how it is supposed to be. We are supposed to be partners. We are supposed to be supporting each other and lifting one another up. Because I wasn't turning to him, I lost my way in the chaos of battling Jakob's monsters and some of my own. I'm guessing that I lost my way long before that though. I'm guessing that I had to always be the one in charge and that everything needed to be my way, which caused a lot of them problems. In short, I was selfishly selfless.

What shocks me is that I'm usually like this, especially in relationships. I'm usually the one who is supporting and building up the other person. Very rarely am I selfish. I was being very selfless with Neil and Jeff, and that caused problems in our relationship because I didn't feel like I was being taken care of. This time it was the other way around. I think it was because Jakob was the opposite of Neil and Jeff. Jakob was always taking care of me and wouldn't let me take care of him for a long time. I didn't and still don't know how to really take care of him. Eventually, I found out that he was hiding his struggles and needs from me in order to take care of me. After I started discovering his struggles, I took them upon myself and told myself that I was going to make him better. But when I first had the dream, I knew that I couldn't do it on my own. Initially, I wanted him to go to therapy, which he didn't go to, because I thought that it would help me. I still think it would be beneficial for him to go and provide some help to me, but instead of looking to Jakob for help, I wanted others to help him and me. I didn't fully listen to him and his needs. I should have been more watchful and less demeaning. I should have listened to his needs and continually asked him what we could do to battle these monsters together. With me trying to take control of the situation, I alienated him and myself more than ever. I caused a lot of the problems and the distance. I selfishly was trying to get him to conform to what I needed and what I thought that he needed, not actually paying attention to what he needed. I thought that I was doing the right thing, but I definitely wasn't. I feel horrible about it. I am better than what I became and I should have been better to Jakob.

I hope that his demons haven't destroyed him and stolen his light. I hope that there is still some light and love in his heart towards me. I want him by my side, working together to destroy the monsters. Together, we can do anything.

One Year: Happiness and Sadness

Today is our one year anniversary! I can't believe it has been a year already and I can't believe that we aren't together to celebrate it. There have been so many factors that have pushed us one way or another, and it makes me sad that we have pushed each other to the point where we couldn't even be together for our one year. I wish that things were different. But this break has been good and it has been eye opening.

I now believe that I was one of the major components that caused our relationship to be where it is today. I look back on what has happened. It took me awhile to fully love JP--I still wasn't fully over Jeff; I didn't want JP to be a rebound; I was afraid to get into a relationship with JP because I didn't want to be hurt again; I wasn't sure what I wanted from a relationship; and I didn't want to give my heart up to easily again. This caused a lot of undue stress upon JP. I him loved during that time, but I was too afraid to admit to myself that I wanted to be with him. He brought me so much happiness during that time and I couldn't imagine not having him in my life. Why couldn't I commit to him earlier? I think that this would have helped us get off on a better start.

Then I asked him to be my boyfriend in August. Things were good for a couple months and we had an amazing time together in Mexico. But I was naive and didn't notice the signs of JP struggling. I wasn't paying attention to him needs, watching his body language, getting him to talk, and listening to him. I was in a sort of honeymoon phase and high as a kite, I was controlling the relationship, and I was neglectful to him, whereas JP was starting his spiral downward. It makes me feel horrible to think that I missed out on helping him. I think that things started going downhill for him sometime in August or September, and I didn't even notice. I didn't even start to notice until things got bad until he was really struggling. I first noticed that there could be potential problems when we were at T's birthday. Then I started to notice more problems around Halloween. JP was doing a lot of for me and I wasn't doing as much for him. I just sort of expected him to always be around and follow my schedule--I was horrible to him. hen a week went by and we got in a fight over TO and then got in another huge fight about a lot of things. Many hurtful things were said on both parts, and I had to remove myself for a couple days to process my feelings. JP was extremely hurt by a lot of things and I again neglected to see them. I only focused on myself and my hurt--I was selfish.

Things were tenuous for about a month and we both struggled to find get our feet on the ground. Then JP  disappeared around Thanksgiving (before and after Friendsgiving). I was extremely hurt by that situation, but I felt like it finally opened my eyes. I finally saw that there were larger issues that I had been missing out on. It brought us closer together for a time and then our relationship soured again. JP didn't trust me (I still think that he doesn't trust me) and I made a lot of mistakes trying to best help him. I ignored a lot of signs and let him do what he thought best. Then when we were supposed to be together and I couldn't find him, but this time he didn't come home at all. I was hurt even worse by this. I was worried that he was injured, that he was cheating on me, that he had killed himself, that he was mugged, and that he ran away. I was so worried and angry at him. I took it out on him and it took me a long time to finally move on... It took me until sometime in January. Before I finally moved on and fully forgiven him, we had some good times and it reminded me of our old relationship. We had tons of fun with K, E, and T. We had a lovely Christmas time with each others family. We had a wonderful celebration together for his birthday. Going to Vermont was good and bad. I tried not to ignore the signs of bad things happening to JP, but I believe that I pushed him farther away.

January was a sort of better month. I finally forgave him, but I tried to stop ignoring his problems. He was telling me that he needed to focus on himself and that he would make things better. I tried to let him do that for awhile, but I saw that he needed help. I just didn't know how to properly give it to him. Everything that I did, didn't seem to work. JP was telling me very little about how to best help him. I started to feel that there was a growing rift between us--one that was similar to the rift that grew in my relationships with J and N. I didn't want that to occur again, because that rift is what ruined my past relationships. JP is different to me than both J and N. I love him so much more deeply than I ever loved them. I didn't want to let this rift destroy our relationship. As typical of me, I again started making it about me. I focused on my feelings and my struggles--how JP had changed and wasn't willing to give me what I needed. In my own messed up way, I believed that if I helped him to see how he has changed and how it is effecting me, that he would want to go back to our old relationship, which wasn't as good for him as it was for me, and that he would get better, back to his old self. I was essentially trying to force him to change into what I wanted him to be, which is never good. I couldn't get him to talk, probably because he felt that I wouldn't listen and try to make changes. I don't think that he trusts me.

This is where we are now. Apart on a day that we should be celebrating. Maybe I shouldn't have done this, but I message him wishing him a happy anniversary and I put a loving anniversary post on Instagram (a first of its kind for me). The Instagram post was a big deal for me because I usually keep my personal life private, but for the first time with anyone, I want to proudly tell the world that I have a wonderful boyfriend who I am lucky to have found and loved for a year. I texted him and posted the picture because I wanted to and I wanted to express my feelings to him. I wasn't expecting any sort of response. I love JP dearly and I want him and the world to know that. I'm sorry for everything that I have done to hurt him. I hope that we can move beyond all of this poison and pettiness in the relationship and heal one another.

I want a relationship with JP. I want him in my life. I want to build a life with him and have kids with him. I want both of us to be happy and healthy. But I know if he will not be happy with me, we will have to part ways. I don't want to force him in a relationship that he doesn't want to be in. I hope that this is not the case at the end of this break.

In the future, I want our relationship to be full of laughter and love. I want to make sure that he knows that I think that he is amazing, smart, intelligent, funny, caring, loving, thoughtful, adventurous, courageous, confident, and so much more. I don't want to tear him down. I want to build him up! I want to express my love to him always and show him love. I don't want to react negatively to him anymore. I don't want to be rude to him. I want to hear him share his feelings with me. I want to listen to him. I don't want to do all the talking and talk over him. I want him to express himself. I want our relationship to become more mature and be mature without childish games. I want us to grow closer and I want to spend much of our time with one another. I want to be equal partners. I don't want him to only follow me and I don't want to only follow him. I want us to take turns leading and taking care of each other. I want us to be ready. I want us to be smart. I want us to share our lives with one another. I love him more than I have loved anyone else, and I hope that we will become husbands to one another. I want to share my life, my heart, my spirit, my world, my universe, my friends, my family with him. I hope that he still feels the same.

Even though I'm very melancholy today, I am still grateful to have someone to love. Happy anniversary, my sweet JP! I love you!

I Struggle With Chaos

There is a lot that I have struggled with over the past months. I believe that my biggest struggle was the chaos. I didn't feel like there was much stability in my relationship with JP, which started carrying over in my life. I'm very good and happy when I have a schedule, when things are predictable, when my emotions aren't rollercoastering, and when I don't receive conflicting feelings/stimuli. These are the reasons why I started falling apart. I didn't feel like I had a good solid schedule and my life wasn't predictable. I didn't know when I would be seeing JP and if he wanted to see me. I felt like I was constantly waiting around so that he and I could schedule things, and hope that he would want to do something with. I also wasn't keeping a good exercise, cooking, and sleeping schedule. I neglected seeing friends. This brought my chaos in my life. The only thing that was keeping me together was my regular work and tutoring schedule. That was regular and predictable. It rarely changed and I knew what was coming. There were no surprises. I think that kept me on somewhat solid ground and prevented my complete spiral downward.

In addition to the lack of a schedule, I was receiving conflicting feelings and contradictory words from JP. This caused my emotions to be up one day and down the next day. I was on a rollercoaster that I had difficulty controlling. At therapy I was constantly talking about the same things... my ups and downs--how there were times that JP would make me so high and then bring me so low. It was mainly because I was reading into things, which is the bane of my existence. If things aren't perfect (and they never will be), I start to read into small things. These start out to not be a big deal, but eventually if they continue, they become larger and larger. It becomes harder for me to let them go. I'm working on this and I'm working on letting things go. I'm learning that when I'm reading into things, most of time, it doesn't matter and means nothing. But there were some big things that I was accurately reading into that JP wasn't telling me. I knew that he was creating distance between us and purposely avoiding me, but I didn't know why. He finally told me it was because I was nagging him all the time about his imperfections. I think that there were other reasons as well, but I'm glad that he told me one. Moral of the story... sometimes when I read into things, they are correct (most likely only when they are big things) and most times when I read into things, they are incorrect (most likely only when they are small/medium things).

I'm also learning that I cannot control the chaos, especially others chaos. That's what I was trying to do to JP. I was trying to control him and force him to go back to what he once was and move away from the chaos inside of him. I wasn't working with him at all. I was trying to put our relationship in a box and make things better by doing that. I'm guessing that I made it worse, because I couldn't control my own chaos and inner turmoil. I struggled and wasn't my best self. I couldn't help him because of that and he couldn't help me because he wasn't his best self as well. I feel bad that I put him through that. But I'm learning to be a better man for him.

I want to be a better man for him. I'm trying to avoid going to the dark and extreme parts of my mind. I've been working to control the chaos and turmoil in my mind. I feel like I am getting on fairly stable ground right now. I've got a good schedule with work, cooking, baking, exercise, friends, and family. I have a sense of predictability in my life again. When we first went on break, I had my ups and downs, but I'm stable now. With the one year anniversary coming up, I might be more emotional with ups and downs again, but I think that I will be able to make it through without too much reading into things. I also feel like JP and I are on the same page now, albeit we haven't really talked. From our limited interactions, it seems like he still cares for me, loves me, and misses me. I hope that this translates into us both wanting to maintain our relationship and find stable ground again.

When I first met JP, I fell in love with his stability and maturity. Since then I have struggled with the chaos, but I believe that we can help each other to move beyond the chaos and find that stability once more.

Sharing My Life

I read this quote earlier and have pondering it a lot because it speaks to me.

Here's the truth. I long to be in unpeopled places, and when I find them, I'm often overcome with aching loneliness. I miss the people I love. I desperately want to share these places, even if it means re-entering the fray.

There are so many times that I prefer to be alone. I like to do my own thing and I don't mind being on my own. I actually enjoy it! But when I do things alone, it reminds me of the people that I love and want to be with--I want to share my life with them. Life is much better when you have someone to share it with, whether it be family, friends, or a lover. Don't get me wrong, sometimes I need to be alone and do my own thing, but I'm realizing that I would prefer to have someone with me for my adventures, cooking, baking, etc. The feelings of sharing my life with someone has become stronger than ever, so much so that I fully believe that if I don't get married, I would raise a child on my own. I want to have someone with my throughout my life. Someone who loves me. Someone who is dedicated to me. Someone who I can teach and learn from. I don't want to live a life alone without anyone to care for and to care for me.

This is something that has been changing in the recent years. For a long time, I felt like I could be single for the rest of my life and be fine with it. I felt like I didn't need someone to share my life with, go on adventures together, eat delicious food with one another, and so much more. But that has been changing drastically. I think that I first started noticing it with Jeff. That's when I first started getting the inkling that I didn't want to do everything alone anymore. Then when I started seeing JP, these feelings came on much stronger. As we became closer, I wanted to spend as much time with him as I could. I wanted to experience everything with him and share everything with him. I didn't want to hold anything back. I started to feel like I was ready to move on to the next level with him.

When we started getting more distant, I became very sad and lonely. I wasn't doing the things that I loved anymore and I was waiting to do things with JP. I wanted to make sure that when we could get together and when he wanted to see me, that we would. Additionally, I didn't want to experience things without him. I wanted him there with me. This was hard for me because I wanted to see JP and do things with him much more often than he wanted. This caused me to be lonely and sad. I realize not that this was completely unhealthy. I needed to focus on myself more and do what would make me happy and prevent my loneliness and sadness from taking over my life. Luckily, it didn't take over and destroy me, but it did negatively affect me and our relationship.

I've gotten much better since being on break. I've been working out, cooking, baking, going to restaurants and shows, and doing things that I love because I want to. Yeah, I would LOVE to have JP along with me and share my experiences with him, but it isn't necessary anymore. If he wants to be with, he will be with me. If he wants to do something with me, he will. If he doesn't, that will be ok for a time, but if things don't get better I'll have to end our relationship. I can't force him to be with me and share our lives and experiences together. I know now that this is something that I strongly want and don't want to waste time on someone who doesn't feel the same towards me.

Why I Stay

On my trip to New Orleans with JH, I spent a lot of time thinking and talking about JP. I saw JP in everything down there. I wanted to share beignets with him. I wanted to explore the history of New Orleans with him. I wanted to listen and dance to jazz music with him. I wanted to buy cheesy gifts with him. I wanted to hold his hand while walking in the garden district. I wanted to see his face light up when he discovered something new. I wanted to see him jump around and act like a little kid while trying on masks. I wanted him with me. J didn't understand it. She met him once and liked him, in fact she really liked him. But she doesn't understand me staying in a relationship that is extremely difficult for JP and myself. She just sees the pain that I have been in and it doesn't make sense to her why I stay. I don't think that she understands the capacity of love because it is something that she's never experienced in a dating situation. But she made me think and reflect on why I continue to stay with JP.

It is interesting that the ones who hurt you the most are the ones you love them most. BUT even with all the pain, it's worth it. JP is near and dear to my heart. I don't know if he realizes it, but he is one of the only guys that I have dated that I can truly imagine building a future with IF we are able to get through this rough patch. This is why it hurts me so badly when I feel neglected and shafted, and when I get my feelings hurt by something that JP does. His hurts (big or small) hurt so much worse because he is the one that I love the most and the one who I want to protect me, build me up, and look out for me. He means so much more to me than anyone else.

That is why I stay--he means so much more to me than anyone else. I'm crazy in love with JP. It is as simple as that. Even though there are rough times, they all disappear for a moment when there are good times. I love and cherish those moments, and they keep me going--they give me hope. I don't feel like JP and I have differences in morals and values. The problem with our relationship is that it has been poisoned by negativity, hurt, poor coping mechanisms, and misinterpretation. These are things that we can work on and make better, which is why we went on a break.

I will have to pull my heart away/ 'Cause if I never leave I'll ruin yesterday/ It's not like my feet are stuck to the floor/ It's not like I'm wanting to know about the door/ I want you to throw my shoes in the fire/ And I'll watch the souls burn on the funeral pyre/ And I'm over and it will change my position/ And I'll know that nobody, nobody's listening/ And that's easy for me and it's better for the soul/ And it's better for you and it's better for me/ I will have to pull my heart away/ 'Cause if I never leave I'll ruin yesterday...     ~"Pull My Heart Away" by Jack Penate

We had to pull our hearts away from each other for a brief moment in order to prevent the relationship from being ruined. That is what I am doing right now and I am working to be a better, more understanding boyfriend to JP. I want to be better for him. I want to stay with him. I hope that he has been doing and feels the same during this break.

Through all this chaos, I still love JP. He still makes my heart race. Seeing him still excites me. We still have great chemistry in the sack. When I get a sweet message, gift, or anything from him, my spirit yearns to be closer to him. I want to continue to adventure with him, share my life with him, carrying him and myself up to a higher level, commit to him fully, and build a life and family with him. I stay because I love him and want a future with him.

Understanding Others

Today was a pretty good day. I still miss JP A LOT, but I was able to not think about him so much and the sadness wasn't as debilitating as it has been. Overall, I'm melancholy tonight.

As I was reading The Man in the High Castle by Philip K Dick tonight, I came across this passage that really made me think.

He thought, It is something that they do, something that they are. It is their unconsciousness. Their lack of knowledge about others. Their not being aware of what they do to others, the destruction they have caused and are causing. No, he thought. That isn't it. I don't know; I sense it, intuit it. But--they are purposely cruel... is that it? No. God, he thought. I can't find it, make it clear. Do they ignore parts of reality? Yes. But it is more. It is their plans.

I get this passage and I have felt what is going on in this passage. There have been many times that I told JP exactly how certain situations made me feel and how I needed more contact, more of what he used to do (now I realize that it wasn't the best approach), but it never seemed to stick with him. Things would be ok for awhile and then it would go back to the way things were. It made me wonder how he really felt about me and if he really loved me. Tonight, I'm realizing that it was most likely a lack of understanding and not being aware of what he was doing to me.

JP became so very focused on himself because he wasn't (isn't?) happy with himself. In fact, he told me that he hates himself. That honestly made me really sad because I love him so very much and can't understand why he hates himself (I'll come back to this). He had all of these plans for himself and he neglected or failed to notice the destruction he was causing on me and our relationship. I think that he was ignoring the reality of our relationship--it's potential to fall apart and my ability to stay strong. Instead, he was focused on his plans for himself and that caused a rift between us that may never be healed.

In the same line of thought... I also had a lack of knowledge towards JP. I for the most part had no idea what was going on, didn't understand what he was (is) going through, got very little feedback from him on what I could do better, and received scant insight through our interactions. All that I noticed was that he was pulling away from me, didn't want me taking care of him, didn't want to spend time with me, and didn't seem to want to take care of me. Because of these perceived insights, my messed up plans were to force us to go back to what we were and to get him to be what he once was. I started doing whatever I could to make him understand how I felt and do whatever I could to bring us together, but it wasn't good. I was forcing him to do things that he didn't want to do and I would start nitpicking at him. He told me when we called for the break that most of the time when we are together, I nag him about how he's changed and how he needs to be better, which is why he avoided me. While I can see that being true, I don't think that I was nagging him as much as he says I was, but I could be wrong. That's besides the point...

We both had plans that didn't align with one another. This caused us to lack insight into one another and prevented us from building each other up and supporting one another. We needed to come together and make plans together to build up ourselves, each other, and our relationship at the same time. I think that this would have been a better approach to help each other out. In order to do this, JP needs to talk to me more and open up about his feelings and I need to shut my mouth and quit expressing every last feeling that I have.

Now we are apart and working through things on our own. It shouldn't be this way and it makes me sad to think that this is what we've become. I hope that we can recover from this and become a power couple again. I miss him.

Never Going Back

I've been missing JP a lot today and thinking a lot about him and our relationship. I've realized a few things that I was doing that was damaging to our relationship. I was constantly trying to get us back to what we once were. I was happy then and he was somewhat happy, but as time progressed he was less happy in that relationship. Then things changed drastically. He did a complete 180 from what he was before. This was extremely hard for me. I don't do well with large changes in my life, especially if they are unexpected and I haven't had time to process these things. He just changed within the span of a couple weeks. "Heartbreak Dream" by Betty Who really spoke to me this morning during my workout. In particular, the lyrics, "In a moment, you were everything to me. In this moment, we're living in a heartbreak dream." In reality, this whole song speaks to me and makes me have all the feels when it comes to my relationship with JP.

In a moment, we were everything to each other and we would both do anything for one another. I still feel that way, but I don't know if JP feels that way. Now, I feel like, we're living in a heartbreak dream. When things changed in our relationship, my heart kept breaking. Nothing was the same and I didn't feel the same love from JP that I usually felt, and there were times that I stopped feeling it all together. In order to get those feelings back, I tried to get us to go back to what we were. I wanted JP to do what he used to do for me and start putting more in our relationship again. He would do it a little bit, but then would ultimately stop what I asked him. I think that he resented me a bit for making him do things that he didn't want to do. He would push back on the things that I requested him to do to help me out. I think he wanted to feel like he had control in the relationship when he didn't have much control anywhere else in his life and that I wasn't the boss. Then when things weren't going back to the way things were, I started nagging him more and more to do what I wanted and needed in order to feel loved and cared for the way that he used to make me feel. But he didn't want to. It pushed him further away and he hated spending time with me. He wouldn't even help me when I was sick, which was extremely hurtful and painful to me, and then expected me to take care of him when I wasn't fully better and when he was sick. That was probably the worst thing that he did to me besides his refusal to make a stronger attempt to go to therapy.

Anyway... I was always looking back and comparing new JP to old JP and trying to force him to return. But I've realized that we're never going back. We will never return to how we were before. There is a new JP and a new Sean in this relationship. Everything that we have been through together has shaped us and changed us. Now, it is just a question of if these two new people can make the relationship work. Do these new people even want to be together? Can these new people make a relationship work? Will these new people be able to meet halfway and work together? Do we even want to come together a build a similar relationship like we once had with one another? I'm not sure, but what now I know for sure is that we are never going back. We will never be the same and we will never be the way we were last summer and early fall. The sad thing is that I loved that relationship. I just hope that the new Sean and JP can come together and sort of develop a relationship that I look so fondly back on.