It's been awhile since I have written. I have a lot that has been on my mind, but I haven't had the heart to share it all. I guess that I needed to process everything before I wrote it down.
Well, soon after I wrote my post about being insecure, J broke off our dating relationship. He told me that he couldn't handle the stresses of both a relationship and school at the same time right now, and that he needed to focus on school. He said that he could still see a future relationship with me, but that right now wasn't the right timing. When he first told me, I was doing everything that I could to convince him not to end it and to remain with me, instead of just be close friends. He stuck to his guns and left. I spent a couple weeks processing everything and I felt strangely good about his decision. I felt sad that I was losing him at this moment, but for the most part, I felt good, albeit a little bit melancholy. During this time, I realized that he made the right decision and that we needed a break from one another.
We met up after a couple weeks and went to an Affirmation Thanksgiving together. It was wonderful being with him again and I didn't feel any awkwardness. It felt normal to me and that nothing had changed. After the Thanksgiving, we drove around and talked. We had a great conversation about us and our future. I told him about my feelings towards him and everything that he said to me. It was good that I was able to get everything off my chest. We both decided to take a break, a step back to being close friends, and meet up with one another again in Utah at Christmas. I think that this will be good for us.
A break will allow us to become stronger on our own and be more ready for a relationship with one another, if we go that route again. He needs to spend time becoming more confident with medical school and I need to find happiness again--I have been terribly unhappy the past six month with all aspects of my life besides J. We will become what we are meant to become after this time apart. J is a wonderful man and I would consider myself lucky to call him mine, but if we remain only friends, I will still consider myself lucky to call him a close friend.
It's been about a month since we have been on our break and it has been difficult at times, but it has been mostly good. I have started therapy and I am learning a lot about myself, some that I already knew but didn't know how it affected those around me. I wake up most mornings thinking about J and what's going on his life and if everything is ok with him. I wonder if he is thinking about me. I went home for Thanksgiving, which was wonderful to spend time with my family and talk with them, but also melancholy. I have a lot of great memories with J in Utah and I wanted to share them with him again, but couldn't. This made me sad and nostalgic. Hopefully, I'll be able to share those memories with him again when we meet up in a couple weeks.
I miss him, but I know that things will work out and we will become what we are meant to become.
Insecure
Last Friday, J and I ended up chatting. He messaged me and we started chatting a bit. He realized that something was bothering and told me to call him. I did and we chatted about what was going on. It was a good talk and helped me to feel better about things. But it had made me realize that I have one major problem, which is probably obvious to most people. I am insecure in my relationship with J. As I have thought about this and why I got this way, I can only explain it from the initial rejection of him to be my boyfriend (and the second rejection in August solidified my insecurity) and then his subsequent emotional distance from me both times. I am typically never insecure with relationships, but I think that both of the rejections and his distance got to me. I am still having trouble trusting his love for me. Even though our relationship is much stronger, my insecurity is still present. Some weeks it is worse than others, as was the case last week. My insecurities appear to come out when I am at my weakest or when everything is going wrong. I just need to remember and trust that J loves me. I know that he does and that he wants us our relationship to work.
Now the question is how to get rid of insecurities. I know that I just need to let them go and move on, but it's much easier said than done. When I'm feeling insecure, I've decided that I'm going to actively remember all of the good things about mine and J's relationship. Additionally, this would be a good time for me to do "me time" and do the things that I need to do to bring myself back into balance. I will try to go swimming more often, get away from technology, go on a nature adventure, cook/bake something delicious, and read a good book. I know that these things help me escape and I need use them when I am at my weakest. These will remind me who I am, where I am, and my inherent worth. I'm working to remove the insecurity junk out of my life and it will allow me to have a more meaningful life and relationship.
Last week, I was expecting a lot from J without me telling him that I needed him. I told him on Sunday that I wanted him to stay in a little bit better contact with me, which he did for a while, but I didn't tell him precisely what I needed. I need to quit putting off my needs (I do this a lot and it causes problems) because I think that he won't care about them or that they will bother him and his already busy life. Telling him what I need will be the best for both of us so that he can be there for me and I can get what I need. I'm going to talk to him this weekend about how I am still insecure in our relationship. I just need to be honest with him. If he reaches out and accepts my weaknesses and is willing to help, he's a keeper (which I believe he is).
Now the question is how to get rid of insecurities. I know that I just need to let them go and move on, but it's much easier said than done. When I'm feeling insecure, I've decided that I'm going to actively remember all of the good things about mine and J's relationship. Additionally, this would be a good time for me to do "me time" and do the things that I need to do to bring myself back into balance. I will try to go swimming more often, get away from technology, go on a nature adventure, cook/bake something delicious, and read a good book. I know that these things help me escape and I need use them when I am at my weakest. These will remind me who I am, where I am, and my inherent worth. I'm working to remove the insecurity junk out of my life and it will allow me to have a more meaningful life and relationship.
Last week, I was expecting a lot from J without me telling him that I needed him. I told him on Sunday that I wanted him to stay in a little bit better contact with me, which he did for a while, but I didn't tell him precisely what I needed. I need to quit putting off my needs (I do this a lot and it causes problems) because I think that he won't care about them or that they will bother him and his already busy life. Telling him what I need will be the best for both of us so that he can be there for me and I can get what I need. I'm going to talk to him this weekend about how I am still insecure in our relationship. I just need to be honest with him. If he reaches out and accepts my weaknesses and is willing to help, he's a keeper (which I believe he is).
Minimalism
Over the past year, I have started to subscribe to the ideas of minimalism. The Minimalists describe minimalism as follows:
As I have been working on becoming a minimalist, I have discovered what the most important things in my life. Here is my short list:
Minimalism is a tool used to rid yourself of life’s excess in favor of focusing on what’s important so you can find happiness, fulfillment, and freedom.To me, that is powerful. Basically, it is a wake up call to start focusing on the most important aspects of our lives and remove all of the junk out of our lives. The junk can be material possessions, bad relationships, negative thoughts, or ANYTHING! What's important is that it is junk that is holding you back from finding freedom.
As I have been working on becoming a minimalist, I have discovered what the most important things in my life. Here is my short list:
- Family
- Friends
- Nature
- Cooking/Baking
- Travelling
These are the things in life that provide me with the most fulfillment. These are the things that keep me in balance. These are the things that bring me happiness. If these things aren't in my life, I feel like there is a hole in my life.
Since I have returned from Switzerland, I have been trying to purge unnecessary junk from my life. A couple weeks ago, I took 3 bags of clothes to a shelter and threw out another 2 bags of trash that had built up in my tiny NYC bedroom. I couldn't believe how much junk there was! But after I got rid of the junk, I felt much better. It was cleansing for both my physical living space as well as my soul.
While I was cleaning out my room, I spent a lot of time thinking about other junk that I could remove from my mind. I focused on removing my insecurities and my bad habits. We all have them and they can all be damaging to us and our relationships. These are much harder to remove, but I have been trying to rid myself of them. Some of my insecurities include failure, people leaving me for no apparent reason, and being rejected. Some of my bad habits are being too overbearing, taking too much care of those around me, and spending too much time on social media. I'm slowly trying to remove the junk from my life and replace it with things that are better for me physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.
I want to find this freedom from all of negativity in my life.
Minimalism is a tool that can assist you in finding freedom. Freedom from fear. Freedom from worry. Freedom from overwhelm. Freedom from guilt. Freedom from depression. Freedom from the trappings of consumer culture we've built our lives around. Real freedom.
-The Minimalists
An Experiment
Last week was a low week for me. I had a lot of things going wrong in my life and it was especially hard coming down from an amazing weekend with J. On Sunday, I told J about my bad week, which included feeling distant from him but I purposely didn't tell him about that because I want to talk to him in person about it. I asked him if he could just stay in a little bit better contact with me this week and send me random things that reminded him of me and sharing little things from his life with me to make things better. He said that he most definitely would. Monday was a great day. I heard from him quite a lot--more than I needed and expected. Then Tuesday, I didn't hear from him. I texted him later in the afternoon and he responded, but it was business and I could tell that he didn't want to be bothered since he was stressed with school. Tuesday evening, I sent him a picture from my gelato making class and told him that I wished he was here. We again chatted for a bit and then he suggested that we should talk on the phone last night. I told him that would work for me, but if he was busy studying to let me know.
Well, yesterday came and went and I didn't hear a peep from him--no phone call and text. I realize that he is busy with school, but it would be nice if he at least let me know that he couldn't talk anymore. J hasn't been the best with keeping in contact since medical school started unless I talk or message him first. He used to be so much better when he wasn't in school and just working. I've decided that I'm going to see how long it takes him to contact me. I'm guessing that I won't hear from him until Sunday or later.
I wish that it wasn't this way. I know that medical school is a beast and consumes most of your time, but it would be nice to know that he was thinking of me. I have been there for him when he has been struggling and checked up on him. I've wished him luck before tests and big events. I have offered to help him out. But I haven't received the same treatment. When I was doing a large presentation, I asked him if I could practice on him when he came down for the weekend. He said yes, but sadly it didn't happen and it seemed like he didn't really want to listen--maybe it was because we had such limited time together. The night before my presentation, I told him how stressed I was. I was hoping he would wish me luck the next day or ask me how it went. To my dismay, I received neither a text or phone call that day. It wasn't until the next day that we talked and he asked how it went, which was great, but I wish he would have wished me luck.
It makes me a little bit sad that I don't hear from him more often. I miss the old us where we could both joke around via text and send things that made us think of one another. I still do this, but he doesn't do it in return unless I instigate. Maybe we both have different expectations of what our relationship is. What I know for sure is that we need to talk and I'll tell him what I need from him. I just can't wait around and expect him to figure out what I need. I'll talk to him next weekend when he is down here visiting me because I love him and I want things to work out between us.
Well, yesterday came and went and I didn't hear a peep from him--no phone call and text. I realize that he is busy with school, but it would be nice if he at least let me know that he couldn't talk anymore. J hasn't been the best with keeping in contact since medical school started unless I talk or message him first. He used to be so much better when he wasn't in school and just working. I've decided that I'm going to see how long it takes him to contact me. I'm guessing that I won't hear from him until Sunday or later.
I wish that it wasn't this way. I know that medical school is a beast and consumes most of your time, but it would be nice to know that he was thinking of me. I have been there for him when he has been struggling and checked up on him. I've wished him luck before tests and big events. I have offered to help him out. But I haven't received the same treatment. When I was doing a large presentation, I asked him if I could practice on him when he came down for the weekend. He said yes, but sadly it didn't happen and it seemed like he didn't really want to listen--maybe it was because we had such limited time together. The night before my presentation, I told him how stressed I was. I was hoping he would wish me luck the next day or ask me how it went. To my dismay, I received neither a text or phone call that day. It wasn't until the next day that we talked and he asked how it went, which was great, but I wish he would have wished me luck.
It makes me a little bit sad that I don't hear from him more often. I miss the old us where we could both joke around via text and send things that made us think of one another. I still do this, but he doesn't do it in return unless I instigate. Maybe we both have different expectations of what our relationship is. What I know for sure is that we need to talk and I'll tell him what I need from him. I just can't wait around and expect him to figure out what I need. I'll talk to him next weekend when he is down here visiting me because I love him and I want things to work out between us.
Hot 'n' Cold
I have been seeing a boy, J, since December now, but commitment on his part has not occurred yet. I have been ready for him to be my boyfriend since May, but he hasn't wanted to take it to the next level. There are times that I think that I am crazy for waiting and other times I am completely at peace with the situation. I guess it goes in the cycles of hot and cold that I am seeing with him, which is what I want to write about. But first, let me give some background of our relationship.
We met online before I came home to Utah for Christmas. He was on the interview trail for medical school and we hit off. J took me out on a date and it was wonderful. I connected with him so well and I couldn't wait to see him again. J felt the same way and we ended up going on four dates while were were together. It was a very magical for me and for him as well. We promised to keep in contact and see each other whenever we were in the same city. At first, conversations were fitful. We would chat every now and then through text. Then he was out east again for a medical school interview and was coming to NYC. We spent the weekend together and it was perfect. That's when I knew that I was starting to fall for him. There were a lot of things that were right between us and he has so many things that I am looking for in a man that I want to spend my life with.
We remained in better contact after his last visit and eventually started calling each other. We were talking almost everyday. The next time that I saw him, I took him out on a date and I knew that I was going to tell him that I loved him. After dinner, I unsuccessfully tried to find a romantic spot. We spent the evening talking and cuddling. I eventually built up the courage to tell him that I loved him. He was so cute when I told him that I love him. He then told me that he loved me and that he had loved me from the moment he met me. The rest of that weekend, I couldn't stop thinking about him and I wanted to see J more and more. Sadly, we had to part way too quickly.
We continued to remain in contact and he decided that he was going to come visit me in NYC in May. I spent a lot of time planning a fabulous weekend for us because I wanted to show him all of the coolest shows, restaurants, and sights in the city. I knew here that I also wanted to ask him to be my boyfriend. Sadly, he was sick for most the time, but it still ended up being a great weekend. I asked him to be my boyfriend, but he told me no. The reason that he gave was that he wasn't sure where he was going to medical school, he didn't want to start a long distance relationship, and that he was afraid that becoming official would have some detrimental changes for our relationship (especially because of the distance). All of those reasons sounded plausible and I agreed with many of them.
This is when the hot and cold started. After he left that weekend, he became really distant. He was away in Italy on vacation, but when he was on vacation in the past, he would still message me every day and send me pictures of what he was doing. I barely heard from him and he was never answering my questions. I felt like he was ignoring me. Then when he came back, things sort of got better. He were texting and talking regularly, but it seemed more forced and that he wasn't putting much effort into it. I justified the situation thinking that it was just stress with still waiting to find out about medical school and getting ready to move. I talked to him about this and he promised to be better, which he did.
J moved to New Haven for school and we were both really excited that he was going to be only two hours away from me. I saw him those first two weekends and everything was back to normal, when we were together, but he was still distant when we were apart. I eventually confronted him about the situation. We had a great talk about why he has been distant and what was going on in his life. The reasons that he gave me were that he was trying to figure out things with the Mormon church and his feelings with me, and feelings of stress starting a relationship, being in a new city without knowing anyone, starting medical school, etc. I completely understood all of this. We decided to take a break while I was on vacation.
Right before I left on vacation, my ex-boyfriend contacted me and told me that he wants to get together to talk. This surprised me because when I broke up with him, he told me that he never wanted to see or talk to me again. I decided to talk to J about it to see what he thought. He told me that I should do whatever I wanted to do--he didn't even care. I just wanted him to care and have an opinion. We then chatted for a bit and he gave me the strong impression that he was going to end it soon--that this break was the start of the end. When I got back, he didn't end it. I still gave him his space.
I went up to New Haven soon after my trip to visit him. I thought that this was going to be the end, but surprisingly, it did not end. The weekend was great and we had a great time. Things were hot again and I felt good about our relationship. J and I talked and we decided to take a step back (away from boyfriend status) and continue to date while he figured things out. This was difficult for me at first because I fully love him and want to hear about everything that is going on his life, but he wasn't feeling the same. I had to be ok with less contact through text and phone calls. Some weeks are better than others. I feel so connected with him at times and so distant with him at others.
This past weekend, I felt so connected with him. I was utterly surprised when he invited me to spend the whole weekend with him and that he wanted me to meet his friends. I couldn't have asked for a better couple days. To me, we felt like a couple--I hadn't felt like this in long time with him. I met his friends and really enjoyed getting to know them. They all seem to like me and want to get to know me better. I took that whole weekend to be an amazing step in the right direction for our relationship, which was very exciting for me. He even texted me on Sunday/Monday saying, "Thank you for the amazing weekend." "I'm so glad you spent the weekend here, now I'm in bed wishing you were here." "I love you and I can't stop thinking about last weekend." Then he got distant again. I tried to keep the momentum going, but it has fizzled out. Now it is cold again.
This past week, I feel like I have heard more from his friends I met than I have heard from him. At least in getting texts from them without a text from me first. J sent me a picture last night of his pumpkins that he carved with friends. I didn't get it until this morning because I was asleep, but I responded and asked him a question about which pumpkin was his. He hasn't responded. But I know that he is awake and saw my message because I saw that he liked the pictures of the pumpkins he and his friends made last night on Facebook (I promise that I'm not a stalker, it just came up in my newsfeed). It irks me and I feel like he is ignoring me. He could just simply answer the question and then a quick response by me would have been the end of that conversation, which would have been fine. Instead of getting a response from him after a couple hours, I sent J this text, "I guess never mind. Enjoy your day." I shouldn't have sent that text and just let it go. UPDATE: He did text me back and said that his phone had died. He apologized for the delayed response. I believe that it was the truth and was probably on Facebook on his computer.
I guess what really bothers me is that I don't think J would have sent me the picture last night if it wasn't for his friend texting me while they were doing it. She sent pictures of what was going on and it made me feel like I was a part of their activity. It made me wish that J would have done the same--I have wished that this would happen for awhile now because he used to do this but hasn't done this since he has been hot and cold with me. I send him pictures every now and then just to make him a part of my life. I wish and want him to make me more a part of his life. I try to give him his space and make him a part of my life too, but I don't feel like he does the same in return. I hope that this starts to change. I need it to change to allow me to feel like he wants to be with me. I'm sick of the hot when we are together and the cold when we are apart. I wish there was some more middle ground and warmth when we are apart.
I trust what he says and I know that he loves me. I just hope that he doesn't leave me to the wayside and think that I'll always be there for him. Eventually if he forgets me enough, I won't be there anymore when he wants to return.
Going Back to Church
I did it. I went back to church yesterday (now a couple weeks ago). I must say that it was a very nerve racking experience for me, but overall I think it was a decent experience. There was definitely some internal struggling yesterday morning as I was getting ready and I was trying to decide if it was worth it go. But I eventually got the courage to go.
I decided that I would show up late. That way I wouldn't have to talk to anyone when I initially arrive and then maybe chat with someone when it's over and leave. Well, my plan didn't work out so well. I arrived 5 minutes late but church hadn't started yet and the pews were mainly empty. I quickly made a beeline to the nearest bathroom. I sat in stall for awhile and I became more and more nervous. I couldn't believe how much coming back to church was affecting me. I sat there reflecting on the toilet and tried to let things go. I was worried that people would try to bring me back (more than I wanted), judge me for not taking the sacrament, not accept me because I'm gay, and so much more. I had to tell myself that it doesn't matter because I was doing it for myself and not for others. Again, I built up the courage and left the stall to find a pew. Surprisingly, church hadn't started yet and it was ten minutes past the hour, but at least there were more people now.
I sat down in an empty pew and waited for the meeting to start. As soon as I sat down, the senior missionaries spotted me and the husband came to say hello. We chatted for a bit and it seemed like he appreciated the fact that I was returning after a long time and didn't seem to put any pressure on me. He just wanted to welcome me. Church continued in its usual manner and I was surprised that it was fast Sunday because it wasn't the beginning on the month. But that was because of General Conference the next week. The bishop bore his testimony to the congregation and I didn't get much out of it. Actually, I didn't get much out of most of the testimonies that day.
However, there was one in particular that touched me. The woman who bore her testimony was Jewish and gave up everything to convert to Mormonism. This was amazing to me. In my time in NYC, I have discovered that they are many similar morals and values between Judaism and Mormonism, especially pertaining to family and community. She discussed how hard it was to leave her old faith and traditions behind to become part of a different community. She said that she missed many aspect of her old faith, especially during the high holiday season (which was when I went).
She then told a story from a Rabbi about trusting the Lord and continually taking care of yourself. The gist of the story was that a man had to take care of a bamboo plant every day for four years and then after four years, it would finally grow. The Rabbi asked the man how long it took for the plant to grow and he said a couple months. The Rabbi told him that it took four years. It is the same with us. We have to put effort into us every day to help us grow and reach our full potential. If we stop taking care of ourselves, we won't become what we want to become and we won't reach our potential and goals. Sometime it takes years of work to see growth and progress, but we must never stray from our goals, morals, and values, and never stop trying to better ourselves. This testimony was exactly what I needed to hear and made my whole church experience worth it.
Will I go back again? I think that I will. Will I start to go back regularly? I'm not sure about it. I need to go a couple more times to see if it's worth it for me. I know that I connect well with God when I'm in nature and alone. Going back to church was comforting because it was familiar, but it was harder for me to connect with God. It could have been because of my nervousness, so I definitely need to go back and see what I think. Maybe I'll end up going again this week.
I decided that I would show up late. That way I wouldn't have to talk to anyone when I initially arrive and then maybe chat with someone when it's over and leave. Well, my plan didn't work out so well. I arrived 5 minutes late but church hadn't started yet and the pews were mainly empty. I quickly made a beeline to the nearest bathroom. I sat in stall for awhile and I became more and more nervous. I couldn't believe how much coming back to church was affecting me. I sat there reflecting on the toilet and tried to let things go. I was worried that people would try to bring me back (more than I wanted), judge me for not taking the sacrament, not accept me because I'm gay, and so much more. I had to tell myself that it doesn't matter because I was doing it for myself and not for others. Again, I built up the courage and left the stall to find a pew. Surprisingly, church hadn't started yet and it was ten minutes past the hour, but at least there were more people now.
I sat down in an empty pew and waited for the meeting to start. As soon as I sat down, the senior missionaries spotted me and the husband came to say hello. We chatted for a bit and it seemed like he appreciated the fact that I was returning after a long time and didn't seem to put any pressure on me. He just wanted to welcome me. Church continued in its usual manner and I was surprised that it was fast Sunday because it wasn't the beginning on the month. But that was because of General Conference the next week. The bishop bore his testimony to the congregation and I didn't get much out of it. Actually, I didn't get much out of most of the testimonies that day.
However, there was one in particular that touched me. The woman who bore her testimony was Jewish and gave up everything to convert to Mormonism. This was amazing to me. In my time in NYC, I have discovered that they are many similar morals and values between Judaism and Mormonism, especially pertaining to family and community. She discussed how hard it was to leave her old faith and traditions behind to become part of a different community. She said that she missed many aspect of her old faith, especially during the high holiday season (which was when I went).
She then told a story from a Rabbi about trusting the Lord and continually taking care of yourself. The gist of the story was that a man had to take care of a bamboo plant every day for four years and then after four years, it would finally grow. The Rabbi asked the man how long it took for the plant to grow and he said a couple months. The Rabbi told him that it took four years. It is the same with us. We have to put effort into us every day to help us grow and reach our full potential. If we stop taking care of ourselves, we won't become what we want to become and we won't reach our potential and goals. Sometime it takes years of work to see growth and progress, but we must never stray from our goals, morals, and values, and never stop trying to better ourselves. This testimony was exactly what I needed to hear and made my whole church experience worth it.
Will I go back again? I think that I will. Will I start to go back regularly? I'm not sure about it. I need to go a couple more times to see if it's worth it for me. I know that I connect well with God when I'm in nature and alone. Going back to church was comforting because it was familiar, but it was harder for me to connect with God. It could have been because of my nervousness, so I definitely need to go back and see what I think. Maybe I'll end up going again this week.
Balance
I keep saying that I'm going to start writing again, but I feel like this time it is going to stick. When I was first coming out, I wrote a lot and it helped me process what I was feeling. I'm looking to do the same now. I have noticed that I'm starting to struggle with living in NYC. It throws me off balance and brings out the best and worst in me. I've always known that I need to escape the city, but now it is becoming more and more necessary. Every weekend, I want to get out. I want need to be in nature.
I learned this lesson on my recent escape from NYC to Switzerland. Switzerland was one of the most gorgeous places I have ever visited. There were mountains, streams, lakes, waterfalls, rolling hills, fields of flowers, delectable food, lovely people, and so much more. I spent four of my days hiking in the Swiss Alps. One day, I sat down next to a waterfall and contemplated and reflected on my life. The next day, it was on top of a mountain. Another day, it was on a cliff side. The last day was swimming in a glacial lake. I discovered that I love and hate NYC. This is nothing new to me, but I didn't realize it was so polarized now. There used to be areas of grey, but now those grey areas are starting to turn into black and white. I don't want this to happen and I'm trying to figure out how to turn those areas into grey again and be fully happy living in this city again--I have at least 4 more years here.
I also learned that I need to be in nature or near a lot of nature to have the best balance. My elements are water and earth. Those things bring me the most happiness and connect me the most with nature and God. Switzerland was perfect for this connection. I was so at peace and so joyous during this time. I was able to think about my worries, life, goals, morals, values, beliefs, etc. with a clear and open mind. But once I returned to NYC, I lost sight of some of those insights. I'm desperately trying to maintain those insights and find balance.
These are a some tasks that I'm working on to maintain my balance and keep insight flowing:
I learned this lesson on my recent escape from NYC to Switzerland. Switzerland was one of the most gorgeous places I have ever visited. There were mountains, streams, lakes, waterfalls, rolling hills, fields of flowers, delectable food, lovely people, and so much more. I spent four of my days hiking in the Swiss Alps. One day, I sat down next to a waterfall and contemplated and reflected on my life. The next day, it was on top of a mountain. Another day, it was on a cliff side. The last day was swimming in a glacial lake. I discovered that I love and hate NYC. This is nothing new to me, but I didn't realize it was so polarized now. There used to be areas of grey, but now those grey areas are starting to turn into black and white. I don't want this to happen and I'm trying to figure out how to turn those areas into grey again and be fully happy living in this city again--I have at least 4 more years here.
I also learned that I need to be in nature or near a lot of nature to have the best balance. My elements are water and earth. Those things bring me the most happiness and connect me the most with nature and God. Switzerland was perfect for this connection. I was so at peace and so joyous during this time. I was able to think about my worries, life, goals, morals, values, beliefs, etc. with a clear and open mind. But once I returned to NYC, I lost sight of some of those insights. I'm desperately trying to maintain those insights and find balance.
These are a some tasks that I'm working on to maintain my balance and keep insight flowing:
- Stick with swimming on the master's swim team (I have practice tonight)
- Spend less time on social media and the Internet
- Leave the city for nature at least once a month
- Read more
- Wake up earlier to have "me" time with no interruptions
- Consider going to church again
- Focus on what's most important in my life... family, friends, and loved ones
I hope that things will fall into place and my life will become balanced again.
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