Going Back to Church

I did it. I went back to church yesterday (now a couple weeks ago). I must say that it was a very nerve racking experience for me, but overall I think it was a decent experience. There was definitely some internal struggling yesterday morning as I was getting ready and I was trying to decide if it was worth it go. But I eventually got the courage to go.

I decided that I would show up late. That way I wouldn't have to talk to anyone when I initially arrive and then maybe chat with someone when it's over and leave. Well, my plan didn't work out so well. I arrived 5 minutes late but church hadn't started yet and the pews were mainly empty. I quickly made a beeline to the nearest bathroom. I sat in stall for awhile and I became more and more nervous. I couldn't believe how much coming back to church was affecting me. I sat there reflecting on the toilet and tried to let things go. I was worried that people would try to bring me back (more than I wanted), judge me for not taking the sacrament, not accept me because I'm gay, and so much more. I had to tell myself that it doesn't matter because I was doing it for myself and not for others. Again, I built up the courage and left the stall to find a pew. Surprisingly, church hadn't started yet and it was ten minutes past the hour, but at least there were more people now.

I sat down in an empty pew and waited for the meeting to start. As soon as I sat down, the senior missionaries spotted me and the husband came to say hello. We chatted for a bit and it seemed like he appreciated the fact that I was returning after a long time and didn't seem to put any pressure on me. He just wanted to welcome me. Church continued in its usual manner and I was surprised that it was fast Sunday because it wasn't the beginning on the month. But that was because of General Conference the next week. The bishop bore his testimony to the congregation and I didn't get much out of it. Actually, I didn't get much out of most of the testimonies that day.

However, there was one in particular that touched me. The woman who bore her testimony was Jewish and gave up everything to convert to Mormonism. This was amazing to me. In my time in NYC, I have discovered that they are many similar morals and values between Judaism and Mormonism, especially pertaining to family and community. She discussed how hard it was to leave her old faith and traditions behind to become part of a different community. She said that she missed many aspect of her old faith, especially during the high holiday season (which was when I went).

She then told a story from a Rabbi about trusting the Lord and continually taking care of yourself. The gist of the story was that a man had to take care of a bamboo plant every day for four years and then after four years, it would finally grow. The Rabbi asked the man how long it took for the plant to grow and he said a couple months. The Rabbi told him that it took four years. It is the same with us. We have to put effort into us every day to help us grow and reach our full potential. If we stop taking care of ourselves, we won't become what we want to become and we won't reach our potential and goals. Sometime it takes years of work to see growth and progress, but we must never stray from our goals, morals, and values, and never stop trying to better ourselves. This testimony was exactly what I needed to hear and made my whole church experience worth it.

Will I go back again? I think that I will. Will I start to go back regularly? I'm not sure about it. I need to go a couple more times to see if it's worth it for me. I know that I connect well with God when I'm in nature and alone. Going back to church was comforting because it was familiar, but it was harder for me to connect with God. It could have been because of my nervousness, so I definitely need to go back and see what I think. Maybe I'll end up going again this week.