On A Break

It's been awhile since I have written. I have a lot that has been on my mind, but I haven't had the heart to share it all. I guess that I needed to process everything before I wrote it down.

Well, soon after I wrote my post about being insecure, J broke off our dating relationship. He told me that he couldn't handle the stresses of both a relationship and school at the same time right now, and that he needed to focus on school. He said that he could still see a future relationship with me, but that right now wasn't the right timing. When he first told me, I was doing everything that I could to convince him not to end it and to remain with me, instead of just be close friends. He stuck to his guns and left. I spent a couple weeks processing everything and I felt strangely good about his decision. I felt sad that I was losing him at this moment, but for the most part, I felt good, albeit a little bit melancholy. During this time, I realized that he made the right decision and that we needed a break from one another.

We met up after a couple weeks and went to an Affirmation Thanksgiving together. It was wonderful being with him again and I didn't feel any awkwardness. It felt normal to me and that nothing had changed. After the Thanksgiving, we drove around and talked. We had a great conversation about us and our future. I told him about my feelings towards him and everything that he said to me. It was good that I was able to get everything off my chest. We both decided to take a break, a step back to being close friends, and meet up with one another again in Utah at Christmas. I think that this will be good for us.

A break will allow us to become stronger on our own and be more ready for a relationship with one another, if we go that route again. He needs to spend time becoming more confident with medical school and I need to find happiness again--I have been terribly unhappy the past six month with all aspects of my life besides J. We will become what we are meant to become after this time apart. J is a wonderful man and I would consider myself lucky to call him mine, but if we remain only friends, I will still consider myself lucky to call him a close friend.

It's been about a month since we have been on our break and it has been difficult at times, but it has been mostly good. I have started therapy and I am learning a lot about myself, some that I already knew but didn't know how it affected those around me. I wake up most mornings thinking about J and what's going on his life and if everything is ok with him. I wonder if he is thinking about me. I went home for Thanksgiving, which was wonderful to spend time with my family and talk with them, but also melancholy. I have a lot of great memories with J in Utah and I wanted to share them with him again, but couldn't. This made me sad and nostalgic. Hopefully, I'll be able to share those memories with him again when we meet up in a couple weeks.

I miss him, but I know that things will work out and we will become what we are meant to become.