Insecure

Last Friday, J and I ended up chatting. He messaged me and we started chatting a bit. He realized that something was bothering and told me to call him. I did and we chatted about what was going on. It was a good talk and helped me to feel better about things. But it had made me realize that I have one major problem, which is probably obvious to most people. I am insecure in my relationship with J. As I have thought about this and why I got this way, I can only explain it from the initial rejection of him to be my boyfriend (and the second rejection in August solidified my insecurity) and then his subsequent emotional distance from me both times. I am typically never insecure with relationships, but I think that both of the rejections and his distance got to me. I am still having trouble trusting his love for me. Even though our relationship is much stronger, my insecurity is still present. Some weeks it is worse than others, as was the case last week. My insecurities appear to come out when I am at my weakest or when everything is going wrong. I just need to remember and trust that J loves me. I know that he does and that he wants us our relationship to work.

Now the question is how to get rid of insecurities. I know that I just need to let them go and move on, but it's much easier said than done. When I'm feeling insecure, I've decided that I'm going to actively remember all of the good things about mine and J's relationship. Additionally, this would be a good time for me to do "me time" and do the things that I need to do to bring myself back into balance. I will try to go swimming more often, get away from technology, go on a nature adventure, cook/bake something delicious, and read a good book. I know that these things help me escape and I need use them when I am at my weakest. These will remind me who I am, where I am, and my inherent worth. I'm working to remove the insecurity junk out of my life and it will allow me to have a more meaningful life and relationship.

Last week, I was expecting a lot from J without me telling him that I needed him. I told him on Sunday that I wanted him to stay in a little bit better contact with me, which he did for a while, but I didn't tell him precisely what I needed. I need to quit putting off my needs (I do this a lot and it causes problems) because I think that he won't care about them or that they will bother him and his already busy life. Telling him what I need will be the best for both of us so that he can be there for me and I can get what I need. I'm going to talk to him this weekend about how I am still insecure in our relationship. I just need to be honest with him. If he reaches out and accepts my weaknesses and is willing to help, he's a keeper (which I believe he is).