We met online before I came home to Utah for Christmas. He was on the interview trail for medical school and we hit off. J took me out on a date and it was wonderful. I connected with him so well and I couldn't wait to see him again. J felt the same way and we ended up going on four dates while were were together. It was a very magical for me and for him as well. We promised to keep in contact and see each other whenever we were in the same city. At first, conversations were fitful. We would chat every now and then through text. Then he was out east again for a medical school interview and was coming to NYC. We spent the weekend together and it was perfect. That's when I knew that I was starting to fall for him. There were a lot of things that were right between us and he has so many things that I am looking for in a man that I want to spend my life with.
We remained in better contact after his last visit and eventually started calling each other. We were talking almost everyday. The next time that I saw him, I took him out on a date and I knew that I was going to tell him that I loved him. After dinner, I unsuccessfully tried to find a romantic spot. We spent the evening talking and cuddling. I eventually built up the courage to tell him that I loved him. He was so cute when I told him that I love him. He then told me that he loved me and that he had loved me from the moment he met me. The rest of that weekend, I couldn't stop thinking about him and I wanted to see J more and more. Sadly, we had to part way too quickly.
We continued to remain in contact and he decided that he was going to come visit me in NYC in May. I spent a lot of time planning a fabulous weekend for us because I wanted to show him all of the coolest shows, restaurants, and sights in the city. I knew here that I also wanted to ask him to be my boyfriend. Sadly, he was sick for most the time, but it still ended up being a great weekend. I asked him to be my boyfriend, but he told me no. The reason that he gave was that he wasn't sure where he was going to medical school, he didn't want to start a long distance relationship, and that he was afraid that becoming official would have some detrimental changes for our relationship (especially because of the distance). All of those reasons sounded plausible and I agreed with many of them.
This is when the hot and cold started. After he left that weekend, he became really distant. He was away in Italy on vacation, but when he was on vacation in the past, he would still message me every day and send me pictures of what he was doing. I barely heard from him and he was never answering my questions. I felt like he was ignoring me. Then when he came back, things sort of got better. He were texting and talking regularly, but it seemed more forced and that he wasn't putting much effort into it. I justified the situation thinking that it was just stress with still waiting to find out about medical school and getting ready to move. I talked to him about this and he promised to be better, which he did.
J moved to New Haven for school and we were both really excited that he was going to be only two hours away from me. I saw him those first two weekends and everything was back to normal, when we were together, but he was still distant when we were apart. I eventually confronted him about the situation. We had a great talk about why he has been distant and what was going on in his life. The reasons that he gave me were that he was trying to figure out things with the Mormon church and his feelings with me, and feelings of stress starting a relationship, being in a new city without knowing anyone, starting medical school, etc. I completely understood all of this. We decided to take a break while I was on vacation.
Right before I left on vacation, my ex-boyfriend contacted me and told me that he wants to get together to talk. This surprised me because when I broke up with him, he told me that he never wanted to see or talk to me again. I decided to talk to J about it to see what he thought. He told me that I should do whatever I wanted to do--he didn't even care. I just wanted him to care and have an opinion. We then chatted for a bit and he gave me the strong impression that he was going to end it soon--that this break was the start of the end. When I got back, he didn't end it. I still gave him his space.
I went up to New Haven soon after my trip to visit him. I thought that this was going to be the end, but surprisingly, it did not end. The weekend was great and we had a great time. Things were hot again and I felt good about our relationship. J and I talked and we decided to take a step back (away from boyfriend status) and continue to date while he figured things out. This was difficult for me at first because I fully love him and want to hear about everything that is going on his life, but he wasn't feeling the same. I had to be ok with less contact through text and phone calls. Some weeks are better than others. I feel so connected with him at times and so distant with him at others.
This past weekend, I felt so connected with him. I was utterly surprised when he invited me to spend the whole weekend with him and that he wanted me to meet his friends. I couldn't have asked for a better couple days. To me, we felt like a couple--I hadn't felt like this in long time with him. I met his friends and really enjoyed getting to know them. They all seem to like me and want to get to know me better. I took that whole weekend to be an amazing step in the right direction for our relationship, which was very exciting for me. He even texted me on Sunday/Monday saying, "Thank you for the amazing weekend." "I'm so glad you spent the weekend here, now I'm in bed wishing you were here." "I love you and I can't stop thinking about last weekend." Then he got distant again. I tried to keep the momentum going, but it has fizzled out. Now it is cold again.
This past week, I feel like I have heard more from his friends I met than I have heard from him. At least in getting texts from them without a text from me first. J sent me a picture last night of his pumpkins that he carved with friends. I didn't get it until this morning because I was asleep, but I responded and asked him a question about which pumpkin was his. He hasn't responded. But I know that he is awake and saw my message because I saw that he liked the pictures of the pumpkins he and his friends made last night on Facebook (I promise that I'm not a stalker, it just came up in my newsfeed). It irks me and I feel like he is ignoring me. He could just simply answer the question and then a quick response by me would have been the end of that conversation, which would have been fine. Instead of getting a response from him after a couple hours, I sent J this text, "I guess never mind. Enjoy your day." I shouldn't have sent that text and just let it go. UPDATE: He did text me back and said that his phone had died. He apologized for the delayed response. I believe that it was the truth and was probably on Facebook on his computer.
I guess what really bothers me is that I don't think J would have sent me the picture last night if it wasn't for his friend texting me while they were doing it. She sent pictures of what was going on and it made me feel like I was a part of their activity. It made me wish that J would have done the same--I have wished that this would happen for awhile now because he used to do this but hasn't done this since he has been hot and cold with me. I send him pictures every now and then just to make him a part of my life. I wish and want him to make me more a part of his life. I try to give him his space and make him a part of my life too, but I don't feel like he does the same in return. I hope that this starts to change. I need it to change to allow me to feel like he wants to be with me. I'm sick of the hot when we are together and the cold when we are apart. I wish there was some more middle ground and warmth when we are apart.
I trust what he says and I know that he loves me. I just hope that he doesn't leave me to the wayside and think that I'll always be there for him. Eventually if he forgets me enough, I won't be there anymore when he wants to return.
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