It's been a week since JP and I went on a break. For the most part, it hasn't been too difficult because we weren't seeing each other very often as it was. The hard part for me is not messaging him, talking with him on the phone, and just hearing about his life. I care for him so much that it's hard to just let him go and not think about him. Overall, I've been a bit down this week. I miss JP and I miss him a lot. I think about cuddling with and spending time him. I dream about him at night and day dream about adventures with him during the day. I wonder what he's going through and if he is going to want to stay together or break up with me. He's become so much a part of me that I can't escape him. The sadness comes from seeing where our relationship is now, where it used to be, and where I want it to be now and in the future. I wonder what happened that pushed us in this direction. What was the cause of JP's change? Why has this change has made me so needy and insecure? Can we overcome these changes? Will we ever return back to what we once were and move to something greater?
Despite the sadness, the space between us has been good. It has allowed me to process my feelings and gain a better understanding of where I am at in my life. JP has been hitting all of my insecurities from my past relationships and these reasons ultimately became the reasons why I broke up with my past boyfriends. He has reminded me a lot of N. N was very selfish and thought only of himself. N would rarely do something for me, unless it sometimes involved buying a present for me, and he expected me to spend all of free time with him, wait for him to be free, go over to his place, never go out together, do what he wanted to do, he never planned dates, etc. While JP isn't as bad as N, he has been hitting on a lot of things that made me break up with N. JP has become selfish and really focused upon himself and not the relationship. He hasn't been there in times of need, like when I was ill with a Crohn's flare. He's stopping doing a lot of sweet things that he used to do for me. He is in control of the relationship and I have to wait until he wants to see me or when he wants to do something. I see a lot of what N was in JP and it makes me sad. I don't know why he has changed and I don't think that he knows either.
Then there is his similarities to J. J and I were very close, much like JP and myself used to be. Before he went to medical school, I talked to J every day via text or phone calls. He was sweet and responsive, and he would message me without me instigating. JP and I had become very similar to mine and J's relationship. We spent a lot of time together and tried to make time for one another, which included seeing each other, texting, and phone calls. It was great and it made me want to see and spend more time with JP. Then before our fight in October, things started changing. He started become more distant and cold towards. He slowly stopped texting, making time for me, calling me, and making plans. He was starting to pull away from me. It is hard because we got to a point where we were constantly talking intermittently. Then all of the sudden, that disappeared. JP said that he loves me and that he isn't pulling away, but that is exactly what it felt like. J said the same thing. Both of them didn't realize how much it was hurting me and making me insecure of our relationship. The worst part is that when I ask for help and ask them to do things, they would do it for awhile and then stop. Ultimately, J had to break up with me because I was putting too much pressure and stress upon him to be what he couldn't be, something that he used to be with me. I don't know if it was because he didn't care for me as much or if he was too focused on himself to express his love to me. What I do know is that the same thing is happening with JP and the exact same feelings are coming out in me. This caused me to spiral downward before and it has been doing the same for me since I first started noticing this back in November. Luckily, I've returned to therapy and have prevented a completely spiral downward. I'm still somewhat happy, but I'm overall sad and have been so since December/January. There have been moments of happiness and I cling on to those memories.
I hope that things will get back to normal after our break and that JP will still want to be with me, because I feel like he will be the one to break it off with me, unless he pushes me too far.
Silence
Silence is all that I get from JP.
He doesn't talk to me about anything important and it seems like he doesn't feel the need to. I've been struggling with him opening up to me the past four months and have fought to get him to talk about anything that has been going through his head and life. I don't know what happened that made him bottle up even more than ever. I constantly ask myself, "why doesn't he share with me anymore?" and "did I do something to cause him to bottle up?" I don't know the answer to these questions. He claims that I did nothing and that he has always been this way, but it isn't true. He was not always this way. He might have been more reserved than me, but it was never difficult to get him to talk about things. He used to talk and really open up to me. I loved hearing about his struggles, worries, thoughts, achievements, learnings, and fears. It made him seem so human and someone that I wanted to get to know better... someone that I could spend my life with and never get bored. Whenever he opened up to me, I was so much more attracted to him. His imperfections make him so much sexier. I hate dating robots that never make mistakes, never have problems, never fall apart, never have an opinion, never want to better themselves, etc. I want him to open up to me; I miss it tremendously.
In addition to him being bottled up, he is afraid to tell me how to be a better boyfriend. I asked him on numerous occasions what I could do to be better. He would give me general answers of "give me my space and let me do my thing" or he would tell me that I'm perfect and that I could do nothing better. First of all, I'm not perfect and I'm far from it. I have so many flaws that it is ridiculous. It's really hard for me to not know what I need to work on and what was pushing him away from me. I needed to give him space, but I still saw him self-destructing when I gave him that space. I couldn't give him the space he wanted. I had to step in and try to help, but I didn't know how. I saw that giving him space didn't help, so I tried to force him to notice the changes in himself to get him to change. But that wasn't a good method either. On Sunday, he finally told me that the reason why he would cancel on me and avoid hanging out with me was because I was constantly nagging him about how he changed and how he kept hurting me. I don't think that every time we get together it happens, but I know that it happens a lot. Why didn't he tell me this sooner? Why didn't he tell me what could help him? Why didn't he tell me that I was pushing him away? Why didn't he tell me that I needed to change my ways to better help him? I just don't understand. All that I get from him is silence. I don't have the answers, but I wish that he would have confided in me before we got to the point that we are today, on a break and potentially never getting back together again. Sigh...
Even though there is a lot wrong in our relationship right now, I still miss him terribly and love him so much. I hope things get better when this break is over.
He doesn't talk to me about anything important and it seems like he doesn't feel the need to. I've been struggling with him opening up to me the past four months and have fought to get him to talk about anything that has been going through his head and life. I don't know what happened that made him bottle up even more than ever. I constantly ask myself, "why doesn't he share with me anymore?" and "did I do something to cause him to bottle up?" I don't know the answer to these questions. He claims that I did nothing and that he has always been this way, but it isn't true. He was not always this way. He might have been more reserved than me, but it was never difficult to get him to talk about things. He used to talk and really open up to me. I loved hearing about his struggles, worries, thoughts, achievements, learnings, and fears. It made him seem so human and someone that I wanted to get to know better... someone that I could spend my life with and never get bored. Whenever he opened up to me, I was so much more attracted to him. His imperfections make him so much sexier. I hate dating robots that never make mistakes, never have problems, never fall apart, never have an opinion, never want to better themselves, etc. I want him to open up to me; I miss it tremendously.
In addition to him being bottled up, he is afraid to tell me how to be a better boyfriend. I asked him on numerous occasions what I could do to be better. He would give me general answers of "give me my space and let me do my thing" or he would tell me that I'm perfect and that I could do nothing better. First of all, I'm not perfect and I'm far from it. I have so many flaws that it is ridiculous. It's really hard for me to not know what I need to work on and what was pushing him away from me. I needed to give him space, but I still saw him self-destructing when I gave him that space. I couldn't give him the space he wanted. I had to step in and try to help, but I didn't know how. I saw that giving him space didn't help, so I tried to force him to notice the changes in himself to get him to change. But that wasn't a good method either. On Sunday, he finally told me that the reason why he would cancel on me and avoid hanging out with me was because I was constantly nagging him about how he changed and how he kept hurting me. I don't think that every time we get together it happens, but I know that it happens a lot. Why didn't he tell me this sooner? Why didn't he tell me what could help him? Why didn't he tell me that I was pushing him away? Why didn't he tell me that I needed to change my ways to better help him? I just don't understand. All that I get from him is silence. I don't have the answers, but I wish that he would have confided in me before we got to the point that we are today, on a break and potentially never getting back together again. Sigh...
Even though there is a lot wrong in our relationship right now, I still miss him terribly and love him so much. I hope things get better when this break is over.
A Nervous Robot
Apparently, JP is nervous about taking care of me and making sure that he meets my needs. This is sort of a mixed sign for me. It shows me that he is afraid of me and isn't comfortable in a skills to take care of me anymore, when he used to be so good at it. On the other hand, it shows that he is actually being a little bit more mindful of me. But overall, this makes me sad. It makes me sad because it shows me exactly where our relationship is... in a not very good place. He doesn't know how to take care of me properly anymore. He has fallen out of practice or forgotten how he used to be so good at taking care of me. But this is an accurate representation. He has been a terrible boyfriend since our first fight. He's easy to anger, gets frustrated with me, doesn't want to see me, never asks for help, never talks to me about important things, and has difficulty thinking of me. I will say that he has been slowly improving and making efforts to change, but it is still difficult. We are on a constant roller coaster that depends on his stress level. If he's in a good place, he will be a wonderful boyfriend and recognize my needs. If he's in a bad place, he is a terrible boyfriend and has no time for me.
It seems like he is also afraid of me. I hate that he's afraid and nervous around me. I wonder what makes him afraid of me. It's not like I'm going to do anything drastic or hit him. I just don't know how to prevent his fear. It makes our relationship fell robotic and unnatural. Everything is forced. His text messages are very forced. I feel like when he asks how I'm feeling, that it is just because it is an expectation that I have. It doesn't feel like it is something that he wants to do or know. It feels like it is something that he does out of fear so that he doesn't get in trouble with me later. The same goes for texting me when he wakes up or when he goes to bed. These are programmed responses in order to make me feel like there are no problems with our relationship. I just wish that things would go back to normal and feel natural again. Will they every be natural again?
Finally, the good... His nervousness shows me that he is thinking of me and how I will interpret his actions. This is a step forward. I feel like for so long that he has been mainly focusing on himself and not caring about me or our relationship. He has slowly been getting better, but at times it feels like we are barely making any progress. But I have to recognize that some progress is better than none and it is most definitely better than regression.
Overall, I feel sad about our relationship and how it has gotten to where it is today. I have hope that things will get better.
It seems like he is also afraid of me. I hate that he's afraid and nervous around me. I wonder what makes him afraid of me. It's not like I'm going to do anything drastic or hit him. I just don't know how to prevent his fear. It makes our relationship fell robotic and unnatural. Everything is forced. His text messages are very forced. I feel like when he asks how I'm feeling, that it is just because it is an expectation that I have. It doesn't feel like it is something that he wants to do or know. It feels like it is something that he does out of fear so that he doesn't get in trouble with me later. The same goes for texting me when he wakes up or when he goes to bed. These are programmed responses in order to make me feel like there are no problems with our relationship. I just wish that things would go back to normal and feel natural again. Will they every be natural again?
Finally, the good... His nervousness shows me that he is thinking of me and how I will interpret his actions. This is a step forward. I feel like for so long that he has been mainly focusing on himself and not caring about me or our relationship. He has slowly been getting better, but at times it feels like we are barely making any progress. But I have to recognize that some progress is better than none and it is most definitely better than regression.
Overall, I feel sad about our relationship and how it has gotten to where it is today. I have hope that things will get better.
Changed Man
I'm lost and confused with my love life right now. I don't know how to approach the situation anymore.
Back in October, we had a serious fight over something that is so innately a part of me and we have never been the same since. He told me that he hated my care-giver side and that he could never date someone like his mother. We made up and figured things out, but it was still rocky and we had our bumps in the road. Flash forward to the week of Thanksgiving. JP runs away and doesn't tell me where he is going. I go over to his apartment to find it completely empty and I couldn't get a hold of him. He eventually came home and all was ok. I forgave him and we talked about what was going on. It seemed like we both could move forward and support each other. Things were great for a couple weeks and then another episode occurs. He cancels plans on me, but I still go over to his apartment. He never comes home. I was worried sick all night. He doesn't come home. I thought that he had gotten in trouble, beat up, mugged, in the hospital, cheating on me, or committed suicide. I come to find out that he was out all night and that he went to a diner, coming home at 9am. I had a hard time trusting him about that for so long, but I think that I finally believe that he is telling me the trust, at least I hope that he is. We again talked about what needed to be done going forward, but JP has resisted a lot of what I wanted him to do. I don't think that he will ever do what I want and what I believe will help him. He doesn't trust me. He's afraid of me. I make him nervous. He thinks that I will look down on him. I feel like he doesn't know the true me or refuses to see the true me. I just don't know what to do anymore.
I feel like JP has been pushing me away and continues to push me away. He is a changed man. The man that I originally fell in love with was sweet, kind, confident, courageous, intelligent, selfless, thoughtful, courteous, funny, loving, and so much more. That man is no longer present in JP. JP has become selfish, self-centered, full of anger and malice, hurtful, afraid, cowardly, rude, and depressed. I still love JP dearly and I want to move in and eventually marry him, but I don't know if I can continue loving the JP that is present. He avoids me and shows up late to plans that he have. He seems to not want to be around me and prefers to spend his time with other men and essentially go on dates with them. Then when he talks about his time with them, there is excitement and passion in him that I haven't seen towards me in a long time. It makes me wonder if I am good for him, especially because he is always thinking I'm mad at him. I just don't know what to do. When he was sick, I went to take care of him immediately. I dropped everything to help him feel better. When I was sick, I was a nuisance. He never wanted to spend time with me and avoided taking care of me. Worst of all was when I told him that I get severe depression when I take steroids and he told me that if I was depressed, he would be over every night to love and support me. Well, I got depressed and did he come, no. He was out of town, but there were a couple nights where he could have been there, but wasn't. He has a hard time remembering me and thinking of me, he gives me empty promises, and he's mainly looking out for himself.
I just don't know what to do anymore. I've tried talking to him, telling him what I think of him, giving him an opportunity to give me what I need, letting him do his own thing, pulling away, supporting him, and much more, but nothing works. The wall that he has built up between us will not be torn away. I think that I'm getting to the point of giving him an ultimatum and go on a break. He needs to figure his shit out. If he doesn't, I can't be in a relationship like this anymore. I DESERVE someone who wants to build a life with me, who wants to see me and spend time with me, who thinks of me without prompting from me, who tries to recognize and give me what I need, and who treats me like I'm the greatest thing in the world. Sadly, JP used to do all of this and more, but as I said, he is a changed man and I don't know if I can build a future with the man he has become. I used to have hope that things will change and get better, but his actions have shown me otherwise and I see him going back to his old bad habits. I'm worried for him and our relationship.
Back in October, we had a serious fight over something that is so innately a part of me and we have never been the same since. He told me that he hated my care-giver side and that he could never date someone like his mother. We made up and figured things out, but it was still rocky and we had our bumps in the road. Flash forward to the week of Thanksgiving. JP runs away and doesn't tell me where he is going. I go over to his apartment to find it completely empty and I couldn't get a hold of him. He eventually came home and all was ok. I forgave him and we talked about what was going on. It seemed like we both could move forward and support each other. Things were great for a couple weeks and then another episode occurs. He cancels plans on me, but I still go over to his apartment. He never comes home. I was worried sick all night. He doesn't come home. I thought that he had gotten in trouble, beat up, mugged, in the hospital, cheating on me, or committed suicide. I come to find out that he was out all night and that he went to a diner, coming home at 9am. I had a hard time trusting him about that for so long, but I think that I finally believe that he is telling me the trust, at least I hope that he is. We again talked about what needed to be done going forward, but JP has resisted a lot of what I wanted him to do. I don't think that he will ever do what I want and what I believe will help him. He doesn't trust me. He's afraid of me. I make him nervous. He thinks that I will look down on him. I feel like he doesn't know the true me or refuses to see the true me. I just don't know what to do anymore.
I feel like JP has been pushing me away and continues to push me away. He is a changed man. The man that I originally fell in love with was sweet, kind, confident, courageous, intelligent, selfless, thoughtful, courteous, funny, loving, and so much more. That man is no longer present in JP. JP has become selfish, self-centered, full of anger and malice, hurtful, afraid, cowardly, rude, and depressed. I still love JP dearly and I want to move in and eventually marry him, but I don't know if I can continue loving the JP that is present. He avoids me and shows up late to plans that he have. He seems to not want to be around me and prefers to spend his time with other men and essentially go on dates with them. Then when he talks about his time with them, there is excitement and passion in him that I haven't seen towards me in a long time. It makes me wonder if I am good for him, especially because he is always thinking I'm mad at him. I just don't know what to do. When he was sick, I went to take care of him immediately. I dropped everything to help him feel better. When I was sick, I was a nuisance. He never wanted to spend time with me and avoided taking care of me. Worst of all was when I told him that I get severe depression when I take steroids and he told me that if I was depressed, he would be over every night to love and support me. Well, I got depressed and did he come, no. He was out of town, but there were a couple nights where he could have been there, but wasn't. He has a hard time remembering me and thinking of me, he gives me empty promises, and he's mainly looking out for himself.
I just don't know what to do anymore. I've tried talking to him, telling him what I think of him, giving him an opportunity to give me what I need, letting him do his own thing, pulling away, supporting him, and much more, but nothing works. The wall that he has built up between us will not be torn away. I think that I'm getting to the point of giving him an ultimatum and go on a break. He needs to figure his shit out. If he doesn't, I can't be in a relationship like this anymore. I DESERVE someone who wants to build a life with me, who wants to see me and spend time with me, who thinks of me without prompting from me, who tries to recognize and give me what I need, and who treats me like I'm the greatest thing in the world. Sadly, JP used to do all of this and more, but as I said, he is a changed man and I don't know if I can build a future with the man he has become. I used to have hope that things will change and get better, but his actions have shown me otherwise and I see him going back to his old bad habits. I'm worried for him and our relationship.
Night Drive
Last night, I went on a date and this date was unlike any other that I've gone on in NYC--it reminded me of home and made me forget about the city. I bet all of you are wondering what this wondrous date could be... Well, the title says it all. This boy had a car and wanted to take me for a drive upstate and get dinner wherever we ended up. It was going to be a night drive to nowhere and we were just going to go wherever our whims took us. In reality, this isn't exactly what happened because we don't know this area very well and we didn't want to get stuck paying a lot of money in tolls. I found a lovely beach park along the Hudson River that wasn't too far away from the city and would offer great sunset views and natural beauty. As luck would have it, he got out of work late and we missed the sunset. Additionally, we got kicked out of the park by a cop because it closes at dusk. So that was an utter, but fun failure/adventure. We then found dinner at a nice little gastropub in the small town that we were in.
On our way home, we decided to fly by the seat of our pants more and generally "follow" the directions of the GPS. I must say that I am so glad that we did. We ended up in the middle of a "mountain" range that didn't have very much traffic. As I was driving, I heard this loud noise. I found a place to pull over and rolled down all the windows. There was so much activity in the trees with birds callings to one another, frogs croaking, and I assume insects. I could identify at least 3 different bird calls. It was so amazing. We sat there with the windows down and sun roof open, listening and looking at the stars. This moment was absolutely magical to me. There were very few cars that passed us. We could only hear the noises of nature. There was no honking or "background" city noise. I saw stars, planets, and constellations. I had great a great conversation about nature and imagining being the first person to walk this mountain and forest we were in. There was just peace and happiness. It made me miss the open roads, drives to nowhere, and feeling the connection to nature and all living things. I could have sat there for hours, but we could only stay for about 30 minutes because we had to get back to reality. Those 30 minutes will stay with me and drive me to get out into nature more often. I'm most looking forward to going camping in the near future and experiencing the darkness, night sounds, and stars next to a camp fire.
I must say that it was the perfect date for a boy who misses nature and wants to escape the city. I can't wait to see what will happen with the boy...
Also, I'm currently obsessed with "Fool for Love" by Lord Huron.
On our way home, we decided to fly by the seat of our pants more and generally "follow" the directions of the GPS. I must say that I am so glad that we did. We ended up in the middle of a "mountain" range that didn't have very much traffic. As I was driving, I heard this loud noise. I found a place to pull over and rolled down all the windows. There was so much activity in the trees with birds callings to one another, frogs croaking, and I assume insects. I could identify at least 3 different bird calls. It was so amazing. We sat there with the windows down and sun roof open, listening and looking at the stars. This moment was absolutely magical to me. There were very few cars that passed us. We could only hear the noises of nature. There was no honking or "background" city noise. I saw stars, planets, and constellations. I had great a great conversation about nature and imagining being the first person to walk this mountain and forest we were in. There was just peace and happiness. It made me miss the open roads, drives to nowhere, and feeling the connection to nature and all living things. I could have sat there for hours, but we could only stay for about 30 minutes because we had to get back to reality. Those 30 minutes will stay with me and drive me to get out into nature more often. I'm most looking forward to going camping in the near future and experiencing the darkness, night sounds, and stars next to a camp fire.
I must say that it was the perfect date for a boy who misses nature and wants to escape the city. I can't wait to see what will happen with the boy...
Also, I'm currently obsessed with "Fool for Love" by Lord Huron.
Remember
I read something this weekend that really made me think about my life. It was a simple statement--remember who you wanted to be.
Remembering is powerful. Our memories can cause visceral and emotional responses to certain situations that can affect us in incomprehensible ways. The time when I was depressed caused me to have many visceral emotions from my memories that severely changed me for the worse. That was not the person that I wanted to be. As I have becoming my old self, I still need to remember who I wanted to be when I left Utah, left Washington DC, and when I came to medical school. Some parts of who I want to be have changed, but the core of who I am has not changed. I need to remember that person and not let New York change me into something that I am not. New York has been changing me since I moved here and some of these changes were an impetus for my spiraling depression. I want my memories to empower me to be a better person and move away from what I have become.
Who I have become? I feel like living in NYC has brought out the worst in me and exacerbated any insecurities and problems that I had before moving here. Since I have come to NYC, I have noticed that I'm a bit more hardened. I'm not as nice as I used to be, meaning that I'm less outgoing and friendly. I let things that random people do and say bother me. Then if my friends do something that bother me, it becomes a huge hurt and bothers me for long periods of time. Additionally, if I feel like I am putting more into a friendship or a relationship than someone else, I get annoyed and wonder if these people truly care about me. I feel like I have become more selfish and self-centered since I have moved here. Finally, I have gotten caught up in the fast-paced life of NYC. Whether it involves fun, work, and dating, my speed of life has picked up. While this can be good in some instances, it is not always good. I have found myself making compromises and doing things that I wouldn't have done before moving here.
These changes have rocked my very core and have made me unhappy and depressed. I'm slowly moving back to old my self and remembering the good, the bad, the happy, the successes, the failures, and everything about who I am and who I wanted to be.
Who did I want to be before I moved to the east coast? I wanted to be a doctor and someone who adds to a community, making the world a better place. I wanted to be someone that people could always count on and someone who is there. I wanted to live a happy, secure, and successful life. I wanted to be a caregiver to my patients, community, friends, family, and boyfriend. I wanted to help others and be as selfless as I could be, not expecting anything in return. I wanted to stay true to my Utah and Mormon heritage. I wanted to be confident and secure in my decisions and not let insecurities or past problems get in the way of my life. I wanted to continue my travels of the country and the world, and connect with nature and people in meaningful ways. I wanted to stay close to my family (and I'm realizing now that I also value being close to them in distance). Most importantly, I wanted to be a father and raise a beautiful family with my husband.
I wanted to be all of these things, and I still do. I just have to remember that this is the person that I want to be. Reminding myself of why I want to be these things and then letting my memories help me stay true to these wants. I feel like I made a U-turn and am heading down the right road to become the person that I want to be.
Remembering is powerful. Our memories can cause visceral and emotional responses to certain situations that can affect us in incomprehensible ways. The time when I was depressed caused me to have many visceral emotions from my memories that severely changed me for the worse. That was not the person that I wanted to be. As I have becoming my old self, I still need to remember who I wanted to be when I left Utah, left Washington DC, and when I came to medical school. Some parts of who I want to be have changed, but the core of who I am has not changed. I need to remember that person and not let New York change me into something that I am not. New York has been changing me since I moved here and some of these changes were an impetus for my spiraling depression. I want my memories to empower me to be a better person and move away from what I have become.
Who I have become? I feel like living in NYC has brought out the worst in me and exacerbated any insecurities and problems that I had before moving here. Since I have come to NYC, I have noticed that I'm a bit more hardened. I'm not as nice as I used to be, meaning that I'm less outgoing and friendly. I let things that random people do and say bother me. Then if my friends do something that bother me, it becomes a huge hurt and bothers me for long periods of time. Additionally, if I feel like I am putting more into a friendship or a relationship than someone else, I get annoyed and wonder if these people truly care about me. I feel like I have become more selfish and self-centered since I have moved here. Finally, I have gotten caught up in the fast-paced life of NYC. Whether it involves fun, work, and dating, my speed of life has picked up. While this can be good in some instances, it is not always good. I have found myself making compromises and doing things that I wouldn't have done before moving here.
These changes have rocked my very core and have made me unhappy and depressed. I'm slowly moving back to old my self and remembering the good, the bad, the happy, the successes, the failures, and everything about who I am and who I wanted to be.
Who did I want to be before I moved to the east coast? I wanted to be a doctor and someone who adds to a community, making the world a better place. I wanted to be someone that people could always count on and someone who is there. I wanted to live a happy, secure, and successful life. I wanted to be a caregiver to my patients, community, friends, family, and boyfriend. I wanted to help others and be as selfless as I could be, not expecting anything in return. I wanted to stay true to my Utah and Mormon heritage. I wanted to be confident and secure in my decisions and not let insecurities or past problems get in the way of my life. I wanted to continue my travels of the country and the world, and connect with nature and people in meaningful ways. I wanted to stay close to my family (and I'm realizing now that I also value being close to them in distance). Most importantly, I wanted to be a father and raise a beautiful family with my husband.
I wanted to be all of these things, and I still do. I just have to remember that this is the person that I want to be. Reminding myself of why I want to be these things and then letting my memories help me stay true to these wants. I feel like I made a U-turn and am heading down the right road to become the person that I want to be.
Happiness from Leaving
Over Christmas, I listened to a podcast that had ex-members of the LDS church discuss if they were happy outside of the church and if they would be happy inside the church if they hadn't left. I have thought about this a lot. I have come up with the conclusion that I am happy outside of the church and I am happier than I would be if I never left. Additionally, I feel like I wouldn't be fully happy if I went back. These conclusions have come from a lot of soul searching, discussion, and going to church (albeit I didn't go very often). But these are my thoughts about why I would not be happy being a full-fledged member.
When I decided to leave initially, it wasn't because I was bitter or that I disagreed with most of what the leaders were saying. I mainly disagreed with them on a few subjects that were very important to me, namely gay rights. When I left, it was a conscious decision to leave and find out what I truly believe in. After I left, I wondered if I was making the wrong decision a lot of the time. I would go back and forth about my feelings. I even went back to church off and on. Ultimately, I decided that I was not getting much out of church--it wasn't providing me any meaning and building me up in meaningful ways. I found other ways to worship and honor God and my beliefs.
After leaving, I have had my ups and downs in life, but I have generally been happy for the past six years. For the past six months or so, I have been in a down period of life and became depressed, but I went to therapy and am much happier than I have been in a long time. Anyway, I don't think that I would be as happy as I have been these past six years in the church. I would have been going through motions and trying to fit into a place where I didn't feel like I fit in. Pushing myself to fit in wouldn't have allowed me to explore and find places that I feel content, happy, and spiritual. As I have branched out, I have made great friends and have built a great community around myself. I feel like I belong, connect with, and find meaning and spirituality from the community that I built around myself. I prefer my community over the LDS community that is established. It's a place of peace and happiness for me. It has allowed me to be happy outside of the church, while still allowing myself to believe in a higher power and stay connected with the LDS church. It's a good place for me.
As I have gone back to church, I have realized that I don't get much out of it. There are times when I really need to go and I get meaning out of it, but for the most part, I don't enjoy it. I like to go when I feel like I need some spiritual guidance if I am not able to get away from the city and be in nature. I also like to go when I need perspective in my life or when I feel like I need something familiar in my life. It helps me focus on my life as a whole instead of all of the little details. I could never go back to being a member that goes every Sunday for all three blocks. I wouldn't be happy because it wouldn't be completely fulfilling and meaningful to me. Most likely, I would fill like I am trying to fit in again. That's not something that I want to do. I want to be somewhere where I can fully be myself and in a place where I don't struggle to fit in. It should be natural for me.
Am I happy outside of the LDS church? I would say yes, even though I have my ups and downs--being in the church wouldn't change that. Outside of the church, I'm at a higher level of happiness than when I was going to church regularly and it's good for me. With this all being said, I will never cut my ties with the church. I still consider myself Mormon and it is an important part of who I am as a person.
When I decided to leave initially, it wasn't because I was bitter or that I disagreed with most of what the leaders were saying. I mainly disagreed with them on a few subjects that were very important to me, namely gay rights. When I left, it was a conscious decision to leave and find out what I truly believe in. After I left, I wondered if I was making the wrong decision a lot of the time. I would go back and forth about my feelings. I even went back to church off and on. Ultimately, I decided that I was not getting much out of church--it wasn't providing me any meaning and building me up in meaningful ways. I found other ways to worship and honor God and my beliefs.
After leaving, I have had my ups and downs in life, but I have generally been happy for the past six years. For the past six months or so, I have been in a down period of life and became depressed, but I went to therapy and am much happier than I have been in a long time. Anyway, I don't think that I would be as happy as I have been these past six years in the church. I would have been going through motions and trying to fit into a place where I didn't feel like I fit in. Pushing myself to fit in wouldn't have allowed me to explore and find places that I feel content, happy, and spiritual. As I have branched out, I have made great friends and have built a great community around myself. I feel like I belong, connect with, and find meaning and spirituality from the community that I built around myself. I prefer my community over the LDS community that is established. It's a place of peace and happiness for me. It has allowed me to be happy outside of the church, while still allowing myself to believe in a higher power and stay connected with the LDS church. It's a good place for me.
As I have gone back to church, I have realized that I don't get much out of it. There are times when I really need to go and I get meaning out of it, but for the most part, I don't enjoy it. I like to go when I feel like I need some spiritual guidance if I am not able to get away from the city and be in nature. I also like to go when I need perspective in my life or when I feel like I need something familiar in my life. It helps me focus on my life as a whole instead of all of the little details. I could never go back to being a member that goes every Sunday for all three blocks. I wouldn't be happy because it wouldn't be completely fulfilling and meaningful to me. Most likely, I would fill like I am trying to fit in again. That's not something that I want to do. I want to be somewhere where I can fully be myself and in a place where I don't struggle to fit in. It should be natural for me.
Am I happy outside of the LDS church? I would say yes, even though I have my ups and downs--being in the church wouldn't change that. Outside of the church, I'm at a higher level of happiness than when I was going to church regularly and it's good for me. With this all being said, I will never cut my ties with the church. I still consider myself Mormon and it is an important part of who I am as a person.
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