Remember

I read something this weekend that really made me think about my life. It was a simple statement--remember who you wanted to be.

Remembering is powerful. Our memories can cause visceral and emotional responses to certain situations that can affect us in incomprehensible ways. The time when I was depressed caused me to have many visceral emotions from my memories that severely changed me for the worse. That was not the person that I wanted to be. As I have becoming my old self, I still need to remember who I wanted to be when I left Utah, left Washington DC, and when I came to medical school. Some parts of who I want to be have changed, but the core of who I am has not changed. I need to remember that person and not let New York change me into something that I am not. New York has been changing me since I moved here and some of these changes were an impetus for my spiraling depression. I want my memories to empower me to be a better person and move away from what I have become.

Who I have become? I feel like living in NYC has brought out the worst in me and exacerbated any insecurities and problems that I had before moving here. Since I have come to NYC, I have noticed that I'm a bit more hardened. I'm not as nice as I used to be, meaning that I'm less outgoing and friendly. I let things that random people do and say bother me. Then if my friends do something that bother me, it becomes a huge hurt and bothers me for long periods of time. Additionally, if I feel like I am putting more into a friendship or a relationship than someone else, I get annoyed and wonder if these people truly care about me. I feel like I have become more selfish and self-centered since I have moved here. Finally, I have gotten caught up in the fast-paced life of NYC. Whether it involves fun, work, and dating, my speed of life has picked up. While this can be good in some instances, it is not always good. I have found myself making compromises and doing things that I wouldn't have done before moving here.

These changes have rocked my very core and have made me unhappy and depressed. I'm slowly moving back to old my self and remembering the good, the bad, the happy, the successes, the failures, and everything about who I am and who I wanted to be.

Who did I want to be before I moved to the east coast? I wanted to be a doctor and someone who adds to a community, making the world a better place. I wanted to be someone that people could always count on and someone who is there. I wanted to live a happy, secure, and successful life. I wanted to be a caregiver to my patients, community, friends, family, and boyfriend. I wanted to help others and be as selfless as I could be, not expecting anything in return. I wanted to stay true to my Utah and Mormon heritage. I wanted to be confident and secure in my decisions and not let insecurities or past problems get in the way of my life. I wanted to continue my travels of the country and the world, and connect with nature and people in meaningful ways. I wanted to stay close to my family (and I'm realizing now that I also value being close to them in distance). Most importantly, I wanted to be a father and raise a beautiful family with my husband.

I wanted to be all of these things, and I still do. I just have to remember that this is the person that I want to be. Reminding myself of why I want to be these things and then letting my memories help me stay true to these wants. I feel like I made a U-turn and am heading down the right road to become the person that I want to be.