30 Before 30

A boy I met in Australia, whom I am quite smitten with, inspired me to make a list of 30 things to do before I am 30. He was doing this, but didn't make his 30. I have a little over a year to accomplish all of these things, but I'm going to try my best. I think it will be a way to push myself to live life to the fullest and help me develop as a human being. I'm excited to see what happens and who I become!

Here is my list:

1. Go to Iceland to see the northern lights (January 5th-9th)
2. Travel to a new continent (Australia) √
3. Travel to Yosemite/Patagonia
4. Travel to a US city that I've never been to (Philly/Chicago)
5. Go beach camping (June)
6. Go on a road trip
7. Go skydiving
8. Go deep sea fishing
9. Go to a dinner prepared at a chef's table (November 5th)
10. Go to a concert of one of my favorite artists
11. Circumnavigate Manhattan by foot/bike
12. Get a tattoo
13. Call in sick from work and go on an adventure instead
14. Take a cooking class from League of Kitchens
15. Take a dancing class
16. Finish Duolingo Spanish and speak Spanish more fluently
17. Run a half marathon (March)
18. Regularly volunteer with NY Cares
19. Work in the student run clinic 10 times
20. Start a new craft/hobby (bouldering?)
21. Send in a Post Secret
22. Obtain a PhD and publish a first author paper (March/April)
23. Host 4 dinner parties with one of them being a fundraiser
24. Put away $35,000 in retirement/investments
25. Read the following novels... (need to make this list, recs?)
26. Cook 25 recipes from Molly on the Range
27. Reconnect with an old friend
28. Visit a good friend in another city
29. Speak with grandparents about their childhood
30. Become a Freemason (sent my first email!)

5 Minute Life Check: October

I think… about loss

I wonder… about my future family and what it looks like

I want… to work hard and enjoy myself this month

I dream… of running away to Australia

I speak… with old friends

I act… to build a community around me

I honor… my father and all the hard work he has done

I cry… because my life has changed a lot and is changing quickly

I see… the light at the end of the tunnel

I feel… light and free

I manage… my emotions and do what I want to do

I support… Kevin and his struggles in third year

I seek… to join the Freemasons

I find… the world around me beautiful

I teach… young scientists immunology

I learn… to be more patient and loving

I am… empathetic

I reconnect… with an old boyfriend

I love… traveling and will be doing so a lot coming up

Filling the Hole in my Soul

For most of the summer, I felt like there was a part of me that was missing. I had an emptiness inside of me that I had never felt before. The emptiness was caused by the loss of JP. I gave JP more of my heart and soul than I have any other boyfriend in the past, and he took it and ran away. I don't blame him for doing that--it just left me empty and lost. The whole summer I was in a fog. I was struggling to find my footing and to find myself again. I knew what makes me happy, and I would do those things; but those things were never enough. I always had a part of me that was missing, something that I couldn't fill.

I tried to fill it with memories of JP and I, friends, family, exercise, baking, cooking, reading, and so much more. Nothing would fill it or it would fill me for a short time and then I'd be empty soon after. I didn't know how to approach my loss. I decided to let myself grieve. I grieved for JP. I grieved for the loss of part of my heart and soul. I grieved for the future with JP. I grieved for losing the one I loved. I grieved for the good memories. I grieved for the bad memories. I grieved for everything.

Soon the cracks started to fill in. I slowly started to become more happy, but again it wasn't lasting forever--it would eventually go away. Grieving and feeling all of the emotions was helping. I took this poem by Nayyirah Waheed to heart:

grieve. so that you can be free to feel something else.

By grieving, I started to become free. I started to understand my hurt, pain, sadness, wrongness, depression, and feelings of abandonment and loss. I understood why I felt all of these feelings. I understood the root cause of these feelings. I came to understand more about myself.

Australia came and the grieving stopped. It was time to be happy and fill in the cracks. I met some wonderful people who became my friends, and they pushed me to heal. They allowed me to start healing through bonding with them. They saw me for me and not for the loss of my love, heart, and soul. They liked me for me. I came to realize that I am perfectly fine the way that I am. I don't need to change drastically for anybody and I am perfectly fine being on my own (I've always known this but it's hard remembering that when you come out of a relationship). I woke up and saw myself for who I really am and decided to let my light so shine and not hide myself under a bushel (thank you scriptures LOL).

I know that I am a good person who strives to be the best that I can be for myself, my friends, my family, my loved ones, my patients, and everyone who counts on me. There is no point in hiding myself and moping anymore. I've felt all of the emotions and have grown tremendously. I have learned a lot. I am strong. I am smart. I am humble. I am flawed. I am empathetic. I am fun. I am thoughtful. I am giving. I am so much more. These things make me the man that I am. With seeing these attributes, I've built a foundation for my heart and soul to heal, which it has already done a lot of. One day, I'll be whole again...

The Hardest Part

The end.

Looking back

Struggling forward

Darkness.

Daybreak.

Stirring movement

Bringing change

The start,

the hardest part.

"the hardest part" by me

I have been contemplating whether or not I should share this poem. I was thinking about posting it on Instagram without going to Facebook, but that didn't appeal to me. It is more private and for me than public. This blog is public, but it feels private because a lot of people don't read it, which is why I'm sharing it with you all. 

I wrote this poem in the outback. It describes my feelings of the past couple of months and the transformation that has taken place in me over my vacation in Australia, especially during my time in the outback. I was in a dark place off and on and really struggling to move past my feelings and emotions. Most days, work was a struggle and I didn't want to be there or do any work. I would avoid doing what I had to do and essentially sabotage myself and my goals by not doing any work. Luckily it hasn't put me too far behind. Then there were times that I would avoid doing the things that I loved and seeing the people I loved. I was depressed for most of the summer and have actually been fairly depressed this whole year. My relationship with JP really affected me in many ways that I am still trying to fully comprehend, but I feel that I can definitely say that I lost someone who I imagined spending the rest of my life with. That loss is extremely difficult and hard to move past.

I've come to realize that the hardest part of ending is starting again. It's easy to remain looking at the past and have wishful thinking. I was doing this all summer. I would constantly think about JP. He was on my mind every day and multiple times a day. I would think about him when I woke up, throughout the day, and before I went to bed. I had so much wishful thinking, but it was naive and stupid. I could have let this consume me and continue this thinking, but luckily I didn't. I've realized that it's extremely difficult to not let the past hold you back and move forward. It's just so easy to stay in that mode and not move on. It's like being stuck in the valley of Mount Everest and you have to climb to the top of Mount Everest to get to where you want to go next--it's daunting, but in the end, it's worth it! 

It's worth moving on to something new and better. It's worth it to start new goals and live your life to the fullest. It's worth it to not hide yourself in your own emotions. It's worth it to explore the world and make connections. Living life is worth it. Even though it daunting to move on and stop the wishful thinking, it something that must be done.

I finally feel like I'm at the start of something and great. After my relationship ended, I was caught in the muck of my emotions and feelings. Now, I am rejuvenated and ready to move forward. I'm starting to take small steps to climb Mount Everest and get to the beautiful view on top of it and what lies beyond the mountain. It's time to reignite my passion for life in everything that I do, which Australia has helped jump start.

Here's to a better future with much beauty in it!

5 Minute Life Check: September

I think… that I’m good enough

I wonder… why JP messaged me yesterday

I want… to continue my happy streak

I dream… of P in Australia

I speak… about my research and finishing my thesis

I act… with kindness and understanding towards others

I honor… myself by staying true to my values

I cry… for the passing of my friend

I see… the worth of myself and others around me

I feel… that I can do more to make this world a better place

I manage… to stay afloat while following my passions

I support… C because she is going through a difficult time

I seek… to build a strong, lasting community around me

I find… that people are more willing to be open when I am open and flawed

I teach… ACT to a boy who needs to believe in himself as much as I believe in him

I learn… to be more spontaneous

I am… a human who is flawed, yet beautiful with all of those flaws

I sing… because words cannot always express my emotions or contain my happiness

I love… my life

Precious Life

Yesterday was a hard day for me.

Yesterday a friend passed away in the worst way.

Yesterday I struggled with many emotions and cried.

Yesterday I missed JP and just wanted to have him hold me while I cried.

Yesterday my friends surrounded me with love.

Yesterday I opened up and took off my mask.

Yesterday was a time for contemplations about how precious life is. There has been a lot of human loss within in my life lately. The loss of JP. The horrific events within the LGBT community in Orlando. The questions of friendships not being what they seemed. The death of a friend. All of these losses have pushed me to think about how precious life is.

A lot of us take life for granted. I am guilty of this. Many of us go about our lives and just live without really noticing or being grateful for how wonderful our lives are. This has been me lately. I have just been living and focusing on myself and my problems. While I think that it has been necessary for me to do this because it has helped me move forward, it is also time to start noticing all of the good in my life and being grateful for the opportunities that I have and for the love from those around me. I've been a bit selfish and need to start being more selfless again.

Others out there are struggling with the desire to survive or the ability to survive. This realization makes me sad. It makes me sad that some people do not have the ability to survive because they don't have enough money for food, shelter, and protection. It makes me sad because some people feel like they are not loved, cared about, and supported. Every life is precious. Everyone deserves a chance to live life to the fullest and feel like they are loved and supported.

I wish that I could do more. I want to do more. I'm going to start reaching out to others more often with a simple hello and smile. I'm going to start talking to friends a bit more often to find out how they are truly doing. I'm going to continue to volunteer at my school's free medical clinic and volunteer more often with New York Cares. I hope that others will do the same.

Let's all work together to make this world a better place and help those in need of love, support, food, shelter, and so much more!

PS. I don't know who reads my blog anymore. I'm completely fine with that and kind of like the anonymity, but I want you all to know that I am grateful to have you in my life and supporting me. I hope that in a way that I am supporting you as well! I hope you know that your life is precious. If you ever need to talk to me about anything, feel free to email me or call me.

Right Here, Right Now

My heart was majorly broken two times within the span of two years. The end of those relationships really hurt me and with this current breakup with JP, there are times that I am struggling to get back to my old, optimistic self. I'm slowly getting there though. But I don't think I will ever be the same. A lot has changed within me in my year and a half of knowing JP. My core is still the same, but aspects of me have changed, some for the good and some for the bad. JP caused me to grow in ways that really pushed me to be better, brought out some bad coping mechanisms, prepared me to move to the next level in relationships, and taught me a lot about who I am and what I need (I'll write about this later). In many ways, I feel like I have leveled up as a person, even though I at times feel like I am careening down a mountain and falling apart. Overall, I have grown, become something greater, and gained more knowledge about myself and relationships that will allow me to be a better man, husband, and father.

Lately, I've been so focused on the future (where I want to be) and the past (what I once had), that I've neglected the present. I've let my work slide. I've lost motivation. I've lost my sense of fulfillment. I day dream all the time (only bad because it gets in the way). I've stopped doing things that I love. I've become lazy. I'm unfocused. I need to be better about focusing on the present and living in the moment. There is so much going on and that I need to accomplish that I need to remember what I am supposed to be doing, instead of remembering the past, dreaming of the future that never will be, and focusing on a future that I want.

A couple weeks ago, I read an article and this quote stood out to me.

Sometimes if we’re not yet where we want to be in life, maybe we’re right we’re supposed to be. That idea helps me keep trucking along, keep dreaming, keep working, keep rigging up problems with experimental solutions.                                         -Nicole from The Art of Simple

In my pursuit to learn from my mistakes and try to be the best boyfriend, father, husband and have the amazing life that I dream of, I have neglected the present. The ideal that I see ahead of myself isn't always the best to be focusing on. Sure it is what I want and it is a good long term goal, BUT I need to remember where I currently am at and not discouraged. Just because I'm not where I want to be in life, doesn't mean that I am not getting there. I will get to where I want to be in life. I just need to be better about being patient and learning the lessons life is giving me now. These lessons will teach me to be better and will help me get to where I want to be.

Today, I'm right where I am supposed to be. Today, I will learn something that will help me get where I want to be. Today, there will a lesson that will make me a better person. Today, I need to live in the here and now. Today will help me get to where I want to be.