Filling the Hole in my Soul

For most of the summer, I felt like there was a part of me that was missing. I had an emptiness inside of me that I had never felt before. The emptiness was caused by the loss of JP. I gave JP more of my heart and soul than I have any other boyfriend in the past, and he took it and ran away. I don't blame him for doing that--it just left me empty and lost. The whole summer I was in a fog. I was struggling to find my footing and to find myself again. I knew what makes me happy, and I would do those things; but those things were never enough. I always had a part of me that was missing, something that I couldn't fill.

I tried to fill it with memories of JP and I, friends, family, exercise, baking, cooking, reading, and so much more. Nothing would fill it or it would fill me for a short time and then I'd be empty soon after. I didn't know how to approach my loss. I decided to let myself grieve. I grieved for JP. I grieved for the loss of part of my heart and soul. I grieved for the future with JP. I grieved for losing the one I loved. I grieved for the good memories. I grieved for the bad memories. I grieved for everything.

Soon the cracks started to fill in. I slowly started to become more happy, but again it wasn't lasting forever--it would eventually go away. Grieving and feeling all of the emotions was helping. I took this poem by Nayyirah Waheed to heart:

grieve. so that you can be free to feel something else.

By grieving, I started to become free. I started to understand my hurt, pain, sadness, wrongness, depression, and feelings of abandonment and loss. I understood why I felt all of these feelings. I understood the root cause of these feelings. I came to understand more about myself.

Australia came and the grieving stopped. It was time to be happy and fill in the cracks. I met some wonderful people who became my friends, and they pushed me to heal. They allowed me to start healing through bonding with them. They saw me for me and not for the loss of my love, heart, and soul. They liked me for me. I came to realize that I am perfectly fine the way that I am. I don't need to change drastically for anybody and I am perfectly fine being on my own (I've always known this but it's hard remembering that when you come out of a relationship). I woke up and saw myself for who I really am and decided to let my light so shine and not hide myself under a bushel (thank you scriptures LOL).

I know that I am a good person who strives to be the best that I can be for myself, my friends, my family, my loved ones, my patients, and everyone who counts on me. There is no point in hiding myself and moping anymore. I've felt all of the emotions and have grown tremendously. I have learned a lot. I am strong. I am smart. I am humble. I am flawed. I am empathetic. I am fun. I am thoughtful. I am giving. I am so much more. These things make me the man that I am. With seeing these attributes, I've built a foundation for my heart and soul to heal, which it has already done a lot of. One day, I'll be whole again...