I Just Wanna Be Loved

I've been spending the past couple weeks thinking about my life and what I need. In particular, I keep returning to friendships. I had a lot of great friends who love me. I have to remind myself of this at times because I don't always feel like they love or care about me, which is especially true of my closest friends. If I don't hear from a close friend or feel like I'm putting all the effort into our friendship, I start to wonder if they even like me, if I did something wrong, or if they are using me. I don't feel loved during this time and I don't feel like they want to be around me. This is especially true when I don't hear from them and I see that they are having fun with other friends in our friend group without inviting me. I feel wronged, not cared about, and left out.

I think that these feelings stem from my issues with abandonment. When I was growing up, I had issues with keeping friends. The Smiths were my one set of friends that were always there for me. We spent so much time together playing and having a good time that I could not imagine that we were friends, and that friendship lasts until this day. The rest of my friends would come and go every couple of years. The first time that I remembered this occurring was in 4th grade. Before then, I had many great girl friends who I would always play with and spend time with. Then once we reached 4th grade, we parted ways. I struggled to make new friends and didn't find a really good set of friends until 5th grade. Then I went to middle school and my friend group stopped inviting me to things and spending time with me. I found another group that lasted throughout middle school and some of us stuck together in high school. The high school friend group that I helped form spilt in Junior year and I was left with only a few friends. College wasn't any easier for me to make friends and even after college it has been difficult to make and keep friends. All of these events has created a bad psyche and fear of abandonment within me and strong feelings of just wanting to be loved by friends and lovers.

It's an interesting dynamic because I'm perfectly content with doing a lot of things on my own. I travel by myself, I go adventuring by myself, I go out to eat by myself, I go to shows by myself, and so much more--all of which I get a lot of meaning and self-contentment. But then when I see my friends out and about with each other or telling me about their adventures, it makes me lonely and makes me jealous/feel like I am missing out or that they don't like me anymore. I'm afraid to lose those friendships and I think that the fear pushes them away along with potential lovers.

I'm realizing that I just want to be loved and feel loved. It's easy for me to throw 110% into a friendship and relationship, because I know that these people are important to me and that I love them deeply. Some people are not able to reciprocate those strong feelings or invest as much as I do in the friendships, and that's when things start to fall apart. As soon as I feel like someone is pulling away, I put more effort in and try to bring them back in, but it probably just pushes them farther away. Their perceived distance doesn't mean that they don't care about me--it could mean a multitude of various things, such as that they are busier than normal, that they have a lot on their plate, that they are going through a hard time, etc. Sometimes I just need to take a step back and allow things to happen and not read into anything.

I just wanna be loved.

I am loved.

My friends, family, and lovers love me.

People are not pulling away from me.

I did not do something to destroy the relationship.

I need to be open to the love they are willing to give me.

I need to be less demanding with the love I want to receive.

I need to be ok with receiving "less" love.

Love is here.

Love is there.

Many people love me.

I love you all.

Another Goodbye

It's time for me to let go of someone who was very important in my life the past couple months, but who has become very distant over the past month. It's the guy I was in a polyamorous relationship with. I think that things are getting too much for him to handle and that we are getting too close, which has put strain on his current relationship. We keep having conversations about us--how we get distant, how he wants us to go back to normal, how he needs to pull back, how he still wants to kiss me, etc. It's all going in circles and it's frustrating, so I need to be done. I need to let go. It's something that I don't want to do because I love him very much and want him as my friend and lover, but I know that it's not good for me. I'm no longer going to vie for his attention and try to see him as much as I have been. I'm going to cut down on my contact and make him a smaller part of my life. It's not worth it for me anymore and it's just been hurtful trying to keep myself as a relevant part of his life when he doesn't make much effort to include me. It's time to end things with a hurt and sad heart.

This is a letter I wrote him, but will never send.

Hey Raccoon,

I hope that things are going well for you and that you're being very productive on getting what you need to get done with the acquisition.

I've been thinking about you a lot since I last saw you and I just wanted to say that I miss you--I miss our regular and spontaneous dinner dates and conversations/texts about everything and nothing. I recognize that you have a lot going on between your jobs, boyfriend, and everything else on your plate and I understand the need to focus on all of those things.

Over the past 6 months that I've known you, you've inspired me in so many ways. Whenever we got together, you'd push me out of my comfort zone, open my mind to new ideas and experiences, teach me about new topics, discuss differing opinions, force me to break down medical/scientific facts, go on adventures with me, talk about the good and bad in life, support me, and so much more. The conversations were second to none. The company and activities were always the best, no matter what we were doing. You've pushed me to be a bit less introverted and less serious and more open. You've helped me become a better person and helped me through some tough times. You always made me feel good and brought a smile to my face. Our time together was always special to me, and it still is.

The truth is that what I miss the most is the companionship and inspiration you gave me, and it's been hard to lose that, but I completely understand why we haven't been as close.

I'm truly grateful for having met you and having you as a part of my life. You're truly an amazing man and I've never had a friend like you before. I love you very much, my dear friend.

Hugs,
Sean

5 Minute Life Check: August

I think… that I have found my true passion

I wonder… where my passion will lead me

I want… sleep

I dream… of meeting people in far off lands and how they would influence my life

I speak… in subpar medical jargon (need to get better)

I act… in ways that makes me doctorly

I honor… my patients by doing my best to treat them the way they deserve to be treated

I cry… for one of my patient's deaths

I see… doctors working hard every day to care for very sick patients

I feel… like medicine is where I'm meant to be

I manage… to remember facts that I learned over 4 years ago

I support… my team and do my best to help them

I seek… a greater knowledge about medicine

I find… it hard to stay awake at times

I teach… residents about things that I read/learned

I learn… about kidneys and renal disease

I am… in love with my life and people in my life

I am… exhausted every single day

I love… what I am doing

5 Minute Life Check: July

I think… that I care too much about stupid, unimportant things

I wonder… if someone special is pulling away from me

I want… to do well on my neurology clerkship

I dream… of a simple, yet fulling life

I speak… with confidence when I don't know what's going on

I act… in ways to be part of a good, strong medical team

I honor… my patients by making sure they are taken care of and that their little needs are met

I cry… because I lost something beautiful with another person and I'm not sure if it will ever go back

I see… how happy being in clinic makes me

I feel… completely exhausted by clinic and studying

I manage… to survive each day and the challenges it brings

I support… my patients and try to answer their questions

I seek… to understand how to best care for patients

I find… ways to still have fun and relax

I teach… my residents and interns about things that I know nothing about, but looked up

I learn… to impress the people who are grading me

I am… becoming a doctor

I miss… the person I was with in SF and the relationship we had before/during that time

I love… what I do

5 Minute Life Check: May

I think… that I'm ready for my thesis defense

I wonder… how difficult the defense will be

I want… to be free!

I dream… of traveling the world and eating all the delicious food

I speak… about the final experiments that I'm doing

I act… in ways for me to be more open to others

I honor… myself by focusing on what I need

I cry… for the state of our country

I see… such vibrant beauty in life and nature

I feel… like a lot of good is occurring in my life

I manage… to survive clinical refresher

I support… my roommates as they are finishing up and graduating

I seek… a deeper connection with my best friends

I find… myself in love

I teach… others experiments to aid their research

I learn… that I am sometimes really good at medicine and others times I am really bad at it

I am… ready to move on to the next phase of my life

I hope… that I will be ready (skills-wise) to return to the clinic in less than 2 months!

I love… my life.

Polyamory

I have found myself in an interesting predicament that I thought that I would never consider or be ok with. I think that I'm potentially entering a polyamorous relationship. Polyamory is basically the practice of forming close, intimate relationships with more than one partner with the knowledge and consent of all the partners. It's slightly different than polygamy, but similar. It looks like I'm heading back to my Mormon roots!

A couple months ago, I met a man who has a long-term, serious relationship with his boyfriend. At first meeting, I found him very attractive, but knew he had a boyfriend and left it at that. We chatted a lot at our first meeting and found out that we have a lot in common. We exchanged number and decided to hang out more often. We started texting every day and quickly hit it off. We talk about serious and silly things all the time and have connected on a fairly deep level. He and I have gone out a couple times and they feel like dates. We both remark how crazy it is how much we have in common and how close we have become. Recently, it has started to get intimate, where the last two times we have kissed at the end of our hang out/date. He has also been a huge support to me with everything that has been going on. 

That's where we stand now. We haven't talked about what we are. At first, I was thinking it was a potential friends with benefits situation, but the connection is much deeper than that and it doesn't feel superficial. We haven't really even talked about his boyfriend and what is kosher in their relationship. But from what I have gathered from friends, their relationship is at least partially open, but I'm not sure of the level and if they are actually polyamorous or not. I've decided not to broach the topic because I like what we have and I feel like it is good--I don't want to ruin it. If there is there is a problem or if we are crossing a line, I'm sure that this guy would bring it up and tell me that it is beyond the boundaries he and his boyfriend have set. Most importantly throughout this time, I have felt loved and supported, and I don't feel like the other man/mister.

I never saw myself ever being in this situation--sharing someone who I'm developing a strong connection with someone else. I thought that I would be jealous, but I'm not. I'm perfectly fine with everything and where it currently stands. I want to see how this all pans out.

The formation of this "relationship" could be a product of the circumstances I'm in:

• I still don't want to date anyone seriously after JP or attempt to date or enter a relationship. I'm not ready to emotionally invest in another relationship and watch it fall apart again. 
• I thought that I was not fully over JP, but have realized that I am and just wanted someone to connect with through the cancer with my mother because I've felt alone. 
• I've got a lot on my plate with finishing my PhD, preparing for my return to medical school, and helping out my family with my mom. It's just not a good time to even try to start a relationship, even if I was ready. 
• I have thought a lot about me being a lone wolf. I am happy and content being alone. I love to do a lot of things alone because it allows me to do my own things on my own time. There is no pressure of another person. 
• I still see myself raising a family on my own without a husband, if I do not find anyone.
• I recognize that in two years I will most likely be moving west and starting a relationship with someone anchored in NYC or somewhere in the east is less than ideal for me and my goals.

Anyway, I'm very happy with my life right now. This potential polyamorous relationship is just icing on the cake. When I'm ready, I will start going on dates again and be fully honest with this guy. We will see what the future holds for me.