I Just Wanna Be Loved

I've been spending the past couple weeks thinking about my life and what I need. In particular, I keep returning to friendships. I had a lot of great friends who love me. I have to remind myself of this at times because I don't always feel like they love or care about me, which is especially true of my closest friends. If I don't hear from a close friend or feel like I'm putting all the effort into our friendship, I start to wonder if they even like me, if I did something wrong, or if they are using me. I don't feel loved during this time and I don't feel like they want to be around me. This is especially true when I don't hear from them and I see that they are having fun with other friends in our friend group without inviting me. I feel wronged, not cared about, and left out.

I think that these feelings stem from my issues with abandonment. When I was growing up, I had issues with keeping friends. The Smiths were my one set of friends that were always there for me. We spent so much time together playing and having a good time that I could not imagine that we were friends, and that friendship lasts until this day. The rest of my friends would come and go every couple of years. The first time that I remembered this occurring was in 4th grade. Before then, I had many great girl friends who I would always play with and spend time with. Then once we reached 4th grade, we parted ways. I struggled to make new friends and didn't find a really good set of friends until 5th grade. Then I went to middle school and my friend group stopped inviting me to things and spending time with me. I found another group that lasted throughout middle school and some of us stuck together in high school. The high school friend group that I helped form spilt in Junior year and I was left with only a few friends. College wasn't any easier for me to make friends and even after college it has been difficult to make and keep friends. All of these events has created a bad psyche and fear of abandonment within me and strong feelings of just wanting to be loved by friends and lovers.

It's an interesting dynamic because I'm perfectly content with doing a lot of things on my own. I travel by myself, I go adventuring by myself, I go out to eat by myself, I go to shows by myself, and so much more--all of which I get a lot of meaning and self-contentment. But then when I see my friends out and about with each other or telling me about their adventures, it makes me lonely and makes me jealous/feel like I am missing out or that they don't like me anymore. I'm afraid to lose those friendships and I think that the fear pushes them away along with potential lovers.

I'm realizing that I just want to be loved and feel loved. It's easy for me to throw 110% into a friendship and relationship, because I know that these people are important to me and that I love them deeply. Some people are not able to reciprocate those strong feelings or invest as much as I do in the friendships, and that's when things start to fall apart. As soon as I feel like someone is pulling away, I put more effort in and try to bring them back in, but it probably just pushes them farther away. Their perceived distance doesn't mean that they don't care about me--it could mean a multitude of various things, such as that they are busier than normal, that they have a lot on their plate, that they are going through a hard time, etc. Sometimes I just need to take a step back and allow things to happen and not read into anything.

I just wanna be loved.

I am loved.

My friends, family, and lovers love me.

People are not pulling away from me.

I did not do something to destroy the relationship.

I need to be open to the love they are willing to give me.

I need to be less demanding with the love I want to receive.

I need to be ok with receiving "less" love.

Love is here.

Love is there.

Many people love me.

I love you all.