I'm lost and confused with my love life right now. I don't know how to approach the situation anymore.
Back in October, we had a serious fight over something that is so innately a part of me and we have never been the same since. He told me that he hated my care-giver side and that he could never date someone like his mother. We made up and figured things out, but it was still rocky and we had our bumps in the road. Flash forward to the week of Thanksgiving. JP runs away and doesn't tell me where he is going. I go over to his apartment to find it completely empty and I couldn't get a hold of him. He eventually came home and all was ok. I forgave him and we talked about what was going on. It seemed like we both could move forward and support each other. Things were great for a couple weeks and then another episode occurs. He cancels plans on me, but I still go over to his apartment. He never comes home. I was worried sick all night. He doesn't come home. I thought that he had gotten in trouble, beat up, mugged, in the hospital, cheating on me, or committed suicide. I come to find out that he was out all night and that he went to a diner, coming home at 9am. I had a hard time trusting him about that for so long, but I think that I finally believe that he is telling me the trust, at least I hope that he is. We again talked about what needed to be done going forward, but JP has resisted a lot of what I wanted him to do. I don't think that he will ever do what I want and what I believe will help him. He doesn't trust me. He's afraid of me. I make him nervous. He thinks that I will look down on him. I feel like he doesn't know the true me or refuses to see the true me. I just don't know what to do anymore.
I feel like JP has been pushing me away and continues to push me away. He is a changed man. The man that I originally fell in love with was sweet, kind, confident, courageous, intelligent, selfless, thoughtful, courteous, funny, loving, and so much more. That man is no longer present in JP. JP has become selfish, self-centered, full of anger and malice, hurtful, afraid, cowardly, rude, and depressed. I still love JP dearly and I want to move in and eventually marry him, but I don't know if I can continue loving the JP that is present. He avoids me and shows up late to plans that he have. He seems to not want to be around me and prefers to spend his time with other men and essentially go on dates with them. Then when he talks about his time with them, there is excitement and passion in him that I haven't seen towards me in a long time. It makes me wonder if I am good for him, especially because he is always thinking I'm mad at him. I just don't know what to do. When he was sick, I went to take care of him immediately. I dropped everything to help him feel better. When I was sick, I was a nuisance. He never wanted to spend time with me and avoided taking care of me. Worst of all was when I told him that I get severe depression when I take steroids and he told me that if I was depressed, he would be over every night to love and support me. Well, I got depressed and did he come, no. He was out of town, but there were a couple nights where he could have been there, but wasn't. He has a hard time remembering me and thinking of me, he gives me empty promises, and he's mainly looking out for himself.
I just don't know what to do anymore. I've tried talking to him, telling him what I think of him, giving him an opportunity to give me what I need, letting him do his own thing, pulling away, supporting him, and much more, but nothing works. The wall that he has built up between us will not be torn away. I think that I'm getting to the point of giving him an ultimatum and go on a break. He needs to figure his shit out. If he doesn't, I can't be in a relationship like this anymore. I DESERVE someone who wants to build a life with me, who wants to see me and spend time with me, who thinks of me without prompting from me, who tries to recognize and give me what I need, and who treats me like I'm the greatest thing in the world. Sadly, JP used to do all of this and more, but as I said, he is a changed man and I don't know if I can build a future with the man he has become. I used to have hope that things will change and get better, but his actions have shown me otherwise and I see him going back to his old bad habits. I'm worried for him and our relationship.
Night Drive
Last night, I went on a date and this date was unlike any other that I've gone on in NYC--it reminded me of home and made me forget about the city. I bet all of you are wondering what this wondrous date could be... Well, the title says it all. This boy had a car and wanted to take me for a drive upstate and get dinner wherever we ended up. It was going to be a night drive to nowhere and we were just going to go wherever our whims took us. In reality, this isn't exactly what happened because we don't know this area very well and we didn't want to get stuck paying a lot of money in tolls. I found a lovely beach park along the Hudson River that wasn't too far away from the city and would offer great sunset views and natural beauty. As luck would have it, he got out of work late and we missed the sunset. Additionally, we got kicked out of the park by a cop because it closes at dusk. So that was an utter, but fun failure/adventure. We then found dinner at a nice little gastropub in the small town that we were in.
On our way home, we decided to fly by the seat of our pants more and generally "follow" the directions of the GPS. I must say that I am so glad that we did. We ended up in the middle of a "mountain" range that didn't have very much traffic. As I was driving, I heard this loud noise. I found a place to pull over and rolled down all the windows. There was so much activity in the trees with birds callings to one another, frogs croaking, and I assume insects. I could identify at least 3 different bird calls. It was so amazing. We sat there with the windows down and sun roof open, listening and looking at the stars. This moment was absolutely magical to me. There were very few cars that passed us. We could only hear the noises of nature. There was no honking or "background" city noise. I saw stars, planets, and constellations. I had great a great conversation about nature and imagining being the first person to walk this mountain and forest we were in. There was just peace and happiness. It made me miss the open roads, drives to nowhere, and feeling the connection to nature and all living things. I could have sat there for hours, but we could only stay for about 30 minutes because we had to get back to reality. Those 30 minutes will stay with me and drive me to get out into nature more often. I'm most looking forward to going camping in the near future and experiencing the darkness, night sounds, and stars next to a camp fire.
I must say that it was the perfect date for a boy who misses nature and wants to escape the city. I can't wait to see what will happen with the boy...
Also, I'm currently obsessed with "Fool for Love" by Lord Huron.
On our way home, we decided to fly by the seat of our pants more and generally "follow" the directions of the GPS. I must say that I am so glad that we did. We ended up in the middle of a "mountain" range that didn't have very much traffic. As I was driving, I heard this loud noise. I found a place to pull over and rolled down all the windows. There was so much activity in the trees with birds callings to one another, frogs croaking, and I assume insects. I could identify at least 3 different bird calls. It was so amazing. We sat there with the windows down and sun roof open, listening and looking at the stars. This moment was absolutely magical to me. There were very few cars that passed us. We could only hear the noises of nature. There was no honking or "background" city noise. I saw stars, planets, and constellations. I had great a great conversation about nature and imagining being the first person to walk this mountain and forest we were in. There was just peace and happiness. It made me miss the open roads, drives to nowhere, and feeling the connection to nature and all living things. I could have sat there for hours, but we could only stay for about 30 minutes because we had to get back to reality. Those 30 minutes will stay with me and drive me to get out into nature more often. I'm most looking forward to going camping in the near future and experiencing the darkness, night sounds, and stars next to a camp fire.
I must say that it was the perfect date for a boy who misses nature and wants to escape the city. I can't wait to see what will happen with the boy...
Also, I'm currently obsessed with "Fool for Love" by Lord Huron.
Remember
I read something this weekend that really made me think about my life. It was a simple statement--remember who you wanted to be.
Remembering is powerful. Our memories can cause visceral and emotional responses to certain situations that can affect us in incomprehensible ways. The time when I was depressed caused me to have many visceral emotions from my memories that severely changed me for the worse. That was not the person that I wanted to be. As I have becoming my old self, I still need to remember who I wanted to be when I left Utah, left Washington DC, and when I came to medical school. Some parts of who I want to be have changed, but the core of who I am has not changed. I need to remember that person and not let New York change me into something that I am not. New York has been changing me since I moved here and some of these changes were an impetus for my spiraling depression. I want my memories to empower me to be a better person and move away from what I have become.
Who I have become? I feel like living in NYC has brought out the worst in me and exacerbated any insecurities and problems that I had before moving here. Since I have come to NYC, I have noticed that I'm a bit more hardened. I'm not as nice as I used to be, meaning that I'm less outgoing and friendly. I let things that random people do and say bother me. Then if my friends do something that bother me, it becomes a huge hurt and bothers me for long periods of time. Additionally, if I feel like I am putting more into a friendship or a relationship than someone else, I get annoyed and wonder if these people truly care about me. I feel like I have become more selfish and self-centered since I have moved here. Finally, I have gotten caught up in the fast-paced life of NYC. Whether it involves fun, work, and dating, my speed of life has picked up. While this can be good in some instances, it is not always good. I have found myself making compromises and doing things that I wouldn't have done before moving here.
These changes have rocked my very core and have made me unhappy and depressed. I'm slowly moving back to old my self and remembering the good, the bad, the happy, the successes, the failures, and everything about who I am and who I wanted to be.
Who did I want to be before I moved to the east coast? I wanted to be a doctor and someone who adds to a community, making the world a better place. I wanted to be someone that people could always count on and someone who is there. I wanted to live a happy, secure, and successful life. I wanted to be a caregiver to my patients, community, friends, family, and boyfriend. I wanted to help others and be as selfless as I could be, not expecting anything in return. I wanted to stay true to my Utah and Mormon heritage. I wanted to be confident and secure in my decisions and not let insecurities or past problems get in the way of my life. I wanted to continue my travels of the country and the world, and connect with nature and people in meaningful ways. I wanted to stay close to my family (and I'm realizing now that I also value being close to them in distance). Most importantly, I wanted to be a father and raise a beautiful family with my husband.
I wanted to be all of these things, and I still do. I just have to remember that this is the person that I want to be. Reminding myself of why I want to be these things and then letting my memories help me stay true to these wants. I feel like I made a U-turn and am heading down the right road to become the person that I want to be.
Remembering is powerful. Our memories can cause visceral and emotional responses to certain situations that can affect us in incomprehensible ways. The time when I was depressed caused me to have many visceral emotions from my memories that severely changed me for the worse. That was not the person that I wanted to be. As I have becoming my old self, I still need to remember who I wanted to be when I left Utah, left Washington DC, and when I came to medical school. Some parts of who I want to be have changed, but the core of who I am has not changed. I need to remember that person and not let New York change me into something that I am not. New York has been changing me since I moved here and some of these changes were an impetus for my spiraling depression. I want my memories to empower me to be a better person and move away from what I have become.
Who I have become? I feel like living in NYC has brought out the worst in me and exacerbated any insecurities and problems that I had before moving here. Since I have come to NYC, I have noticed that I'm a bit more hardened. I'm not as nice as I used to be, meaning that I'm less outgoing and friendly. I let things that random people do and say bother me. Then if my friends do something that bother me, it becomes a huge hurt and bothers me for long periods of time. Additionally, if I feel like I am putting more into a friendship or a relationship than someone else, I get annoyed and wonder if these people truly care about me. I feel like I have become more selfish and self-centered since I have moved here. Finally, I have gotten caught up in the fast-paced life of NYC. Whether it involves fun, work, and dating, my speed of life has picked up. While this can be good in some instances, it is not always good. I have found myself making compromises and doing things that I wouldn't have done before moving here.
These changes have rocked my very core and have made me unhappy and depressed. I'm slowly moving back to old my self and remembering the good, the bad, the happy, the successes, the failures, and everything about who I am and who I wanted to be.
Who did I want to be before I moved to the east coast? I wanted to be a doctor and someone who adds to a community, making the world a better place. I wanted to be someone that people could always count on and someone who is there. I wanted to live a happy, secure, and successful life. I wanted to be a caregiver to my patients, community, friends, family, and boyfriend. I wanted to help others and be as selfless as I could be, not expecting anything in return. I wanted to stay true to my Utah and Mormon heritage. I wanted to be confident and secure in my decisions and not let insecurities or past problems get in the way of my life. I wanted to continue my travels of the country and the world, and connect with nature and people in meaningful ways. I wanted to stay close to my family (and I'm realizing now that I also value being close to them in distance). Most importantly, I wanted to be a father and raise a beautiful family with my husband.
I wanted to be all of these things, and I still do. I just have to remember that this is the person that I want to be. Reminding myself of why I want to be these things and then letting my memories help me stay true to these wants. I feel like I made a U-turn and am heading down the right road to become the person that I want to be.
Happiness from Leaving
Over Christmas, I listened to a podcast that had ex-members of the LDS church discuss if they were happy outside of the church and if they would be happy inside the church if they hadn't left. I have thought about this a lot. I have come up with the conclusion that I am happy outside of the church and I am happier than I would be if I never left. Additionally, I feel like I wouldn't be fully happy if I went back. These conclusions have come from a lot of soul searching, discussion, and going to church (albeit I didn't go very often). But these are my thoughts about why I would not be happy being a full-fledged member.
When I decided to leave initially, it wasn't because I was bitter or that I disagreed with most of what the leaders were saying. I mainly disagreed with them on a few subjects that were very important to me, namely gay rights. When I left, it was a conscious decision to leave and find out what I truly believe in. After I left, I wondered if I was making the wrong decision a lot of the time. I would go back and forth about my feelings. I even went back to church off and on. Ultimately, I decided that I was not getting much out of church--it wasn't providing me any meaning and building me up in meaningful ways. I found other ways to worship and honor God and my beliefs.
After leaving, I have had my ups and downs in life, but I have generally been happy for the past six years. For the past six months or so, I have been in a down period of life and became depressed, but I went to therapy and am much happier than I have been in a long time. Anyway, I don't think that I would be as happy as I have been these past six years in the church. I would have been going through motions and trying to fit into a place where I didn't feel like I fit in. Pushing myself to fit in wouldn't have allowed me to explore and find places that I feel content, happy, and spiritual. As I have branched out, I have made great friends and have built a great community around myself. I feel like I belong, connect with, and find meaning and spirituality from the community that I built around myself. I prefer my community over the LDS community that is established. It's a place of peace and happiness for me. It has allowed me to be happy outside of the church, while still allowing myself to believe in a higher power and stay connected with the LDS church. It's a good place for me.
As I have gone back to church, I have realized that I don't get much out of it. There are times when I really need to go and I get meaning out of it, but for the most part, I don't enjoy it. I like to go when I feel like I need some spiritual guidance if I am not able to get away from the city and be in nature. I also like to go when I need perspective in my life or when I feel like I need something familiar in my life. It helps me focus on my life as a whole instead of all of the little details. I could never go back to being a member that goes every Sunday for all three blocks. I wouldn't be happy because it wouldn't be completely fulfilling and meaningful to me. Most likely, I would fill like I am trying to fit in again. That's not something that I want to do. I want to be somewhere where I can fully be myself and in a place where I don't struggle to fit in. It should be natural for me.
Am I happy outside of the LDS church? I would say yes, even though I have my ups and downs--being in the church wouldn't change that. Outside of the church, I'm at a higher level of happiness than when I was going to church regularly and it's good for me. With this all being said, I will never cut my ties with the church. I still consider myself Mormon and it is an important part of who I am as a person.
When I decided to leave initially, it wasn't because I was bitter or that I disagreed with most of what the leaders were saying. I mainly disagreed with them on a few subjects that were very important to me, namely gay rights. When I left, it was a conscious decision to leave and find out what I truly believe in. After I left, I wondered if I was making the wrong decision a lot of the time. I would go back and forth about my feelings. I even went back to church off and on. Ultimately, I decided that I was not getting much out of church--it wasn't providing me any meaning and building me up in meaningful ways. I found other ways to worship and honor God and my beliefs.
After leaving, I have had my ups and downs in life, but I have generally been happy for the past six years. For the past six months or so, I have been in a down period of life and became depressed, but I went to therapy and am much happier than I have been in a long time. Anyway, I don't think that I would be as happy as I have been these past six years in the church. I would have been going through motions and trying to fit into a place where I didn't feel like I fit in. Pushing myself to fit in wouldn't have allowed me to explore and find places that I feel content, happy, and spiritual. As I have branched out, I have made great friends and have built a great community around myself. I feel like I belong, connect with, and find meaning and spirituality from the community that I built around myself. I prefer my community over the LDS community that is established. It's a place of peace and happiness for me. It has allowed me to be happy outside of the church, while still allowing myself to believe in a higher power and stay connected with the LDS church. It's a good place for me.
As I have gone back to church, I have realized that I don't get much out of it. There are times when I really need to go and I get meaning out of it, but for the most part, I don't enjoy it. I like to go when I feel like I need some spiritual guidance if I am not able to get away from the city and be in nature. I also like to go when I need perspective in my life or when I feel like I need something familiar in my life. It helps me focus on my life as a whole instead of all of the little details. I could never go back to being a member that goes every Sunday for all three blocks. I wouldn't be happy because it wouldn't be completely fulfilling and meaningful to me. Most likely, I would fill like I am trying to fit in again. That's not something that I want to do. I want to be somewhere where I can fully be myself and in a place where I don't struggle to fit in. It should be natural for me.
Am I happy outside of the LDS church? I would say yes, even though I have my ups and downs--being in the church wouldn't change that. Outside of the church, I'm at a higher level of happiness than when I was going to church regularly and it's good for me. With this all being said, I will never cut my ties with the church. I still consider myself Mormon and it is an important part of who I am as a person.
Ask Roulette
Last night, I attended an Ask Roulette event with some friends. It is a very awesome concept where you get up on stage in front of hundreds of strangers, get asked a question by a stranger that you have to respond to, and then you get to ask a question to another stranger. The questions could be lighthearted or serious, and big or small--you just have answer the question that you get called up on stage for.
As I have been working with my therapist, which has been amazing (more on this later), I have been allowing myself to become more vulnerable to the people I am close with and I have been trying to remove the "look of perfection" that I've always tried to have. Basically, I'm trying to be more open and honest with everyone and share my weaknesses with them. This experience is exactly what my therapist would want me to put myself in--I would put myself out there to share intimate and personal details with complete strangers.
When I first got there, I was unsure if I wanted to go up on stage. I watched the first act. I was laughing at some of the responses and had empathy or sympathy for others. But I saw how brave each person was and how supportive everyone was. It made me want to go up there and throw my name and question in the box. During the intermission, I went and put my question in the box and got # 948. The second act was starting and I was talking with my friends when 948 was called. I didn't hear it at first and they called my number a second time. Then my friend shout that it was me. I went up on stage and "met" Chord the person who was going to ask me a question. Chord was on the other side of the stage and there was a divider between us. I couldn't see him and he couldn't see me. I could only hear his voice and see the audience. It was a little bit scary, but I kept telling myself that it will be good and exciting for me. Plus I had all of the support of my friends and the strangers in the audience.
Chord asked me, "Would your 11 year-old self approve and be proud of who you are today?"
This question came as a shock for me. At first, I didn't know how to respond. I sat there thinking for a bit and then realized that my 11 year-old self would not approve. I told Chord and the audience that my younger self wouldn't approve of my older self. There was shock on most people's faces in the audience and I could see them wondering why I said no. I then explained how I grew up Mormon and how I am a gay male. My younger self was very much into the LDS church. At the time, I was doing everything that I could to prevent myself from doubting the teachings of the LDS church and trying to figure out why I was different than everyone else. People were very supportive and were yelling that we love and accept you, even if your younger self wouldn't. I was asked a follow-up question about when my younger self would be proud and accepting of who I am today, and I responded with between 16-18. The entire time audience was very supportive and understanding. It was a great experience.
After I answered my question, Chord left the stage and Matt got up on the stage. Matt and I were introduced. Then I asked him, "What is your most memorable childhood experience?" He told a wonderful story of going to a baseball game with his dad. After which I left the stage and the show continued on.
I have been reflecting on the experience since I got up there. Where would I be if I was keeping my 11 year-old self happy? Well, I would have served a mission. I would probably be married to a woman and have a couple children by now. I would still be very much in the LDS church and hold a calling. Most importantly, I would be unhappy. I would be making sacrifices that I wouldn't want to make (i.e. staying in the LDS church and not being true to myself as a gay male). That is a life that I would never want. Even though I have been having ups and downs, I am happy with the life that I have created for myself. Yes, it isn't perfect and it isn't what my younger self imagine, but it is a life that gives me happiness. A life that allows me to be true to myself and a life that allows me to do things for myself and for others. I wouldn't change the route that I have taken, but I might have changed some of the decisions I've made along the way.
As I have been working with my therapist, which has been amazing (more on this later), I have been allowing myself to become more vulnerable to the people I am close with and I have been trying to remove the "look of perfection" that I've always tried to have. Basically, I'm trying to be more open and honest with everyone and share my weaknesses with them. This experience is exactly what my therapist would want me to put myself in--I would put myself out there to share intimate and personal details with complete strangers.
When I first got there, I was unsure if I wanted to go up on stage. I watched the first act. I was laughing at some of the responses and had empathy or sympathy for others. But I saw how brave each person was and how supportive everyone was. It made me want to go up there and throw my name and question in the box. During the intermission, I went and put my question in the box and got # 948. The second act was starting and I was talking with my friends when 948 was called. I didn't hear it at first and they called my number a second time. Then my friend shout that it was me. I went up on stage and "met" Chord the person who was going to ask me a question. Chord was on the other side of the stage and there was a divider between us. I couldn't see him and he couldn't see me. I could only hear his voice and see the audience. It was a little bit scary, but I kept telling myself that it will be good and exciting for me. Plus I had all of the support of my friends and the strangers in the audience.
Chord asked me, "Would your 11 year-old self approve and be proud of who you are today?"
This question came as a shock for me. At first, I didn't know how to respond. I sat there thinking for a bit and then realized that my 11 year-old self would not approve. I told Chord and the audience that my younger self wouldn't approve of my older self. There was shock on most people's faces in the audience and I could see them wondering why I said no. I then explained how I grew up Mormon and how I am a gay male. My younger self was very much into the LDS church. At the time, I was doing everything that I could to prevent myself from doubting the teachings of the LDS church and trying to figure out why I was different than everyone else. People were very supportive and were yelling that we love and accept you, even if your younger self wouldn't. I was asked a follow-up question about when my younger self would be proud and accepting of who I am today, and I responded with between 16-18. The entire time audience was very supportive and understanding. It was a great experience.
After I answered my question, Chord left the stage and Matt got up on the stage. Matt and I were introduced. Then I asked him, "What is your most memorable childhood experience?" He told a wonderful story of going to a baseball game with his dad. After which I left the stage and the show continued on.
I have been reflecting on the experience since I got up there. Where would I be if I was keeping my 11 year-old self happy? Well, I would have served a mission. I would probably be married to a woman and have a couple children by now. I would still be very much in the LDS church and hold a calling. Most importantly, I would be unhappy. I would be making sacrifices that I wouldn't want to make (i.e. staying in the LDS church and not being true to myself as a gay male). That is a life that I would never want. Even though I have been having ups and downs, I am happy with the life that I have created for myself. Yes, it isn't perfect and it isn't what my younger self imagine, but it is a life that gives me happiness. A life that allows me to be true to myself and a life that allows me to do things for myself and for others. I wouldn't change the route that I have taken, but I might have changed some of the decisions I've made along the way.
Moving Forward
I was able to talk with J while we were both in Utah. It was great to see him. I've missed him and thought a lot about him. Also, it was good to have closure on us so that we could both move forward. He continued to stick with what he had been saying since he first broke it off--that he needs space to figure out medical school and that he doesn't want to date me at this moment in time. While I was hoping for a different answer, I understand where he is coming from and I respect his decision. This break was important for the both us of because it allowed him to see that I wasn't the problem with his stress with medical school. For me it was good because it allowed me to grow and figure out a lot about myself. We both agreed to remain friends with potential for more in the future if the timing is right. We are both ready to move forward with our lives. I have no expectations for us to become something more, but I hope that we can remain close friends.
I feel great about the decision to move forward and be friends. He still has a lot to figure out with his life (and so do I), but I don't want to be in a relationship where someone is constantly distracted or uncomfortable in a different aspect of their life, harming our relationship--I deserve more than that and so does he. I'm also going to be focusing on me and making sure that my life is fully put together before I enter a relationship. The first half of this year is going to be mainly for me and working on myself. I want to be stronger than I have ever been and fully sure of myself. I have been working on my insecurities and weaknesses in therapy and feel like I am becoming a better, stronger person. I can't wait to see what I will become and what J will become. I keep saying that we will become what we are meant to become and I believe that more than ever now. Hopefully, we will stay close and I wouldn't mind being more as long as we are both ready.
He has been making some effort to remain close to me. He wished me a happy birthday, which was nice and we chat back and forth every now and then. Hopefully this will continue. I know that I'm not going to put all of the effort into friendship. Eventually if I stop hearing from him, I'll let him come to me and let him show me that he wants to be my friend in return. I've made it a goal this year to not do all the chasing in my relationships, which also includes friendships. I don't want to be the only one to put in all of the effort.
This all being said about me focusing on myself and moving forward, I do have a potential guy that has shown interest in me and who I am also interested in. He is another gay Mormon from Utah and living in Astoria. He is a little older than me, but I'm perfectly fine with that. He works in medicine, and is intelligent, funny, cute, and kind. I met him through some friends and he has recently joined our friend group and we have a great time together with friends. I'm trying to figure out things and decide what to do. I'm not sure if I'm ready to enter into a relationship and I'm not sure if I just want to be friends with him. What I do know is that I am going to move forward with my life and figure things out. If he and I become something more, great. If he and I just become good friends, awesome. I have no expectations with him and I (similar to my lack of expectations with J and I). We will see what happens.
I know it sounds contradictory to potentially start dating someone as I was saying that I'm going to focus on me. Well, it's not. I can't pass up an opportunity to be with someone great and who I connect with, but I can prevent it from controlling my life. I'm going to take things slow and allow myself to have me time and do me. Also, I'm not going to keep waiting for J--it's unfair to me. I do love J a lot and will continue to love him, but I can't put my life on hold. He has to show me that he wants more and start building a relationship with me in order for me to stop looking for other love.
2015 is all about moving forward and finding happiness and I'm excited to see what it brings!
I feel great about the decision to move forward and be friends. He still has a lot to figure out with his life (and so do I), but I don't want to be in a relationship where someone is constantly distracted or uncomfortable in a different aspect of their life, harming our relationship--I deserve more than that and so does he. I'm also going to be focusing on me and making sure that my life is fully put together before I enter a relationship. The first half of this year is going to be mainly for me and working on myself. I want to be stronger than I have ever been and fully sure of myself. I have been working on my insecurities and weaknesses in therapy and feel like I am becoming a better, stronger person. I can't wait to see what I will become and what J will become. I keep saying that we will become what we are meant to become and I believe that more than ever now. Hopefully, we will stay close and I wouldn't mind being more as long as we are both ready.
He has been making some effort to remain close to me. He wished me a happy birthday, which was nice and we chat back and forth every now and then. Hopefully this will continue. I know that I'm not going to put all of the effort into friendship. Eventually if I stop hearing from him, I'll let him come to me and let him show me that he wants to be my friend in return. I've made it a goal this year to not do all the chasing in my relationships, which also includes friendships. I don't want to be the only one to put in all of the effort.
This all being said about me focusing on myself and moving forward, I do have a potential guy that has shown interest in me and who I am also interested in. He is another gay Mormon from Utah and living in Astoria. He is a little older than me, but I'm perfectly fine with that. He works in medicine, and is intelligent, funny, cute, and kind. I met him through some friends and he has recently joined our friend group and we have a great time together with friends. I'm trying to figure out things and decide what to do. I'm not sure if I'm ready to enter into a relationship and I'm not sure if I just want to be friends with him. What I do know is that I am going to move forward with my life and figure things out. If he and I become something more, great. If he and I just become good friends, awesome. I have no expectations with him and I (similar to my lack of expectations with J and I). We will see what happens.
I know it sounds contradictory to potentially start dating someone as I was saying that I'm going to focus on me. Well, it's not. I can't pass up an opportunity to be with someone great and who I connect with, but I can prevent it from controlling my life. I'm going to take things slow and allow myself to have me time and do me. Also, I'm not going to keep waiting for J--it's unfair to me. I do love J a lot and will continue to love him, but I can't put my life on hold. He has to show me that he wants more and start building a relationship with me in order for me to stop looking for other love.
2015 is all about moving forward and finding happiness and I'm excited to see what it brings!
Goals and Resolutions for 2015
Last year was an interesting year that was full of ups and downs. The first half was mainly up, but the second half was mainly down. But overall, it was a good year and I learned a lot about life, love, the world, and myself. As I look forward to the upcoming year, my thoughts have turned to what I want to get out of life. There is a lot. I have a lot of hopes, dreams, goals, and desires for my future life, but a lot of those goals cannot be achieved within a year. I have to set-up smaller goals to eventually get to my major life goals. This next year, I'm going to work on me--work to achieve happiness and to ready myself for my life goals. Below is a list a of what I would like to accomplish and what habits I would like to gain this next year.
- Overall sense of happiness and passion for life again... Live meaningful and full of life
- Go camping or take a trip outside of the city at least once a month
- Start swimming and competing regularly again
- Work out a couple of times a week with my best friend
- Be more open and honest with my friends and family about my struggles, sadness, happiness, gratitude, basically everything
- Ask for help when I need it
- Learn to better accept love and let go of others faults
- Read a book each month
- Start attending cooking/baking classes (do a 4 classes this year)
- Start doing more medical work, specifically in primary care
- Reorganize my life and remove the unnecessary clutter (i.e. physical, mental, emotional)
- Learn to speak Spanish more fluently
- Publish a paper by the end of the 2015/2016 school year
- Let potential lovers do more chasing instead of me doing all the chasing
- Allow myself to be taken care of more and quitting taking too much care of others
Currently, my major life goals are to become a primary care physician who specializes in diet, get married and have children, never sacrifice my life for my career, move back west (it's my home), explore the world around me, and to make the world a better place. This is what I want in my life and I have to be open in order to recognize what will allow me to achieve these goals.
Here's to an amazing 2015 ahead of me and all of you!
UPDATE:
I forgot one important goal/resolution. I want use technology and social media less. I'm slowly removing myself from facebook and plan to only get on every now and then and I'm going to remove myself from my phone. I don't want to be a slave to technology and live in the moment/enjoy my life instead of living through others.
UPDATE:
I forgot one important goal/resolution. I want use technology and social media less. I'm slowly removing myself from facebook and plan to only get on every now and then and I'm going to remove myself from my phone. I don't want to be a slave to technology and live in the moment/enjoy my life instead of living through others.
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