Moving Forward

I was able to talk with J while we were both in Utah. It was great to see him. I've missed him and thought a lot about him. Also, it was good to have closure on us so that we could both move forward. He continued to stick with what he had been saying since he first broke it off--that he needs space to figure out medical school and that he doesn't want to date me at this moment in time. While I was hoping for a different answer, I understand where he is coming from and I respect his decision. This break was important for the both us of because it allowed him to see that I wasn't the problem with his stress with medical school. For me it was good because it allowed me to grow and figure out a lot about myself. We both agreed to remain friends with potential for more in the future if the timing is right. We are both ready to move forward with our lives. I have no expectations for us to become something more, but I hope that we can remain close friends.

I feel great about the decision to move forward and be friends. He still has a lot to figure out with his life (and so do I), but I don't want to be in a relationship where someone is constantly distracted or uncomfortable in a different aspect of their life, harming our relationship--I deserve more than that and so does he. I'm also going to be focusing on me and making sure that my life is fully put together before I enter a relationship. The first half of this year is going to be mainly for me and working on myself. I want to be stronger than I have ever been and fully sure of myself. I have been working on my insecurities and weaknesses in therapy and feel like I am becoming a better, stronger person. I can't wait to see what I will become and what J will become. I keep saying that we will become what we are meant to become and I believe that more than ever now. Hopefully, we will stay close and I wouldn't mind being more as long as we are both ready.

He has been making some effort to remain close to me. He wished me a happy birthday, which was nice and we chat back and forth every now and then. Hopefully this will continue. I know that I'm not going to put all of the effort into friendship. Eventually if I stop hearing from him, I'll let him come to me and let him show me that he wants to be my friend in return. I've made it a goal this year to not do all the chasing in my relationships, which also includes friendships. I don't want to be the only one to put in all of the effort.

This all being said about me focusing on myself and moving forward, I do have a potential guy that has shown interest in me and who I am also interested in. He is another gay Mormon from Utah and living in Astoria. He is a little older than me, but I'm perfectly fine with that. He works in medicine, and is intelligent, funny, cute, and kind. I met him through some friends and he has recently joined our friend group and we have a great time together with friends. I'm trying to figure out things and decide what to do. I'm not sure if I'm ready to enter into a relationship and I'm not sure if I just want to be friends with him. What I do know is that I am going to move forward with my life and figure things out. If he and I become something more, great. If he and I just become good friends, awesome. I have no expectations with him and I (similar to my lack of expectations with J and I). We will see what happens.

I know it sounds contradictory to potentially start dating someone as I was saying that I'm going to focus on me. Well, it's not. I can't pass up an opportunity to be with someone great and who I connect with, but I can prevent it from controlling my life. I'm going to take things slow and allow myself to have me time and do me. Also, I'm not going to keep waiting for J--it's unfair to me. I do love J a lot and will continue to love him, but I can't put my life on hold. He has to show me that he wants more and start building a relationship with me in order for me to stop looking for other love.

2015 is all about moving forward and finding happiness and I'm excited to see what it brings!