Ask Roulette

Last night, I attended an Ask Roulette event with some friends. It is a very awesome concept where you get up on stage in front of hundreds of strangers, get asked a question by a stranger that you have to respond to, and then you get to ask a question to another stranger. The questions could be lighthearted or serious, and big or small--you just have answer the question that you get called up on stage for.

As I have been working with my therapist, which has been amazing (more on this later), I have been allowing myself to become more vulnerable to the people I am close with and I have been trying to remove the "look of perfection" that I've always tried to have. Basically, I'm trying to be more open and honest with everyone and share my weaknesses with them. This experience is exactly what my therapist would want me to put myself in--I would put myself out there to share intimate and personal details with complete strangers.

When I first got there, I was unsure if I wanted to go up on stage. I watched the first act. I was laughing at some of the responses and had empathy or sympathy for others. But I saw how brave each person was and how supportive everyone was. It made me want to go up there and throw my name and question in the box. During the intermission, I went and put my question in the box and got # 948. The second act was starting and I was talking with my friends when 948 was called. I didn't hear it at first and they called my number a second time. Then my friend shout that it was me. I went up on stage and "met" Chord the person who was going to ask me a question. Chord was on the other side of the stage and there was a divider between us. I couldn't see him and he couldn't see me. I could only hear his voice and see the audience. It was a little bit scary, but I kept telling myself that it will be good and exciting for me. Plus I had all of the support of my friends and the strangers in the audience.

Chord asked me, "Would your 11 year-old self approve and be proud of who you are today?"

This question came as a shock for me. At first, I didn't know how to respond. I sat there thinking for a bit and then realized that my 11 year-old self would not approve. I told Chord and the audience that my younger self wouldn't approve of my older self. There was shock on most people's faces in the audience and I could see them wondering why I said no. I then explained how I grew up Mormon and how I am a gay male. My younger self was very much into the LDS church. At the time, I was doing everything that I could to prevent myself from doubting the teachings of the LDS church and trying to figure out why I was different than everyone else. People were very supportive and were yelling that we love and accept you, even if your younger self wouldn't. I was asked a follow-up question about when my younger self would be proud and accepting of who I am today, and I responded with between 16-18. The entire time audience was very supportive and understanding. It was a great experience.

After I answered my question, Chord left the stage and Matt got up on the stage. Matt and I were introduced. Then I asked him, "What is your most memorable childhood experience?" He told a wonderful story of going to a baseball game with his dad. After which I left the stage and the show continued on.

I have been reflecting on the experience since I got up there. Where would I be if I was keeping my 11 year-old self happy? Well, I would have served a mission. I would probably be married to a woman and have a couple children by now. I would still be very much in the LDS church and hold a calling. Most importantly, I would be unhappy. I would be making sacrifices that I wouldn't want to make (i.e. staying in the LDS church and not being true to myself as a gay male). That is a life that I would never want. Even though I have been having ups and downs, I am happy with the life that I have created for myself. Yes, it isn't perfect and it isn't what my younger self imagine, but it is a life that gives me happiness. A life that allows me to be true to myself and a life that allows me to do things for myself and for others. I wouldn't change the route that I have taken, but I might have changed some of the decisions I've made along the way.

Moving Forward

I was able to talk with J while we were both in Utah. It was great to see him. I've missed him and thought a lot about him. Also, it was good to have closure on us so that we could both move forward. He continued to stick with what he had been saying since he first broke it off--that he needs space to figure out medical school and that he doesn't want to date me at this moment in time. While I was hoping for a different answer, I understand where he is coming from and I respect his decision. This break was important for the both us of because it allowed him to see that I wasn't the problem with his stress with medical school. For me it was good because it allowed me to grow and figure out a lot about myself. We both agreed to remain friends with potential for more in the future if the timing is right. We are both ready to move forward with our lives. I have no expectations for us to become something more, but I hope that we can remain close friends.

I feel great about the decision to move forward and be friends. He still has a lot to figure out with his life (and so do I), but I don't want to be in a relationship where someone is constantly distracted or uncomfortable in a different aspect of their life, harming our relationship--I deserve more than that and so does he. I'm also going to be focusing on me and making sure that my life is fully put together before I enter a relationship. The first half of this year is going to be mainly for me and working on myself. I want to be stronger than I have ever been and fully sure of myself. I have been working on my insecurities and weaknesses in therapy and feel like I am becoming a better, stronger person. I can't wait to see what I will become and what J will become. I keep saying that we will become what we are meant to become and I believe that more than ever now. Hopefully, we will stay close and I wouldn't mind being more as long as we are both ready.

He has been making some effort to remain close to me. He wished me a happy birthday, which was nice and we chat back and forth every now and then. Hopefully this will continue. I know that I'm not going to put all of the effort into friendship. Eventually if I stop hearing from him, I'll let him come to me and let him show me that he wants to be my friend in return. I've made it a goal this year to not do all the chasing in my relationships, which also includes friendships. I don't want to be the only one to put in all of the effort.

This all being said about me focusing on myself and moving forward, I do have a potential guy that has shown interest in me and who I am also interested in. He is another gay Mormon from Utah and living in Astoria. He is a little older than me, but I'm perfectly fine with that. He works in medicine, and is intelligent, funny, cute, and kind. I met him through some friends and he has recently joined our friend group and we have a great time together with friends. I'm trying to figure out things and decide what to do. I'm not sure if I'm ready to enter into a relationship and I'm not sure if I just want to be friends with him. What I do know is that I am going to move forward with my life and figure things out. If he and I become something more, great. If he and I just become good friends, awesome. I have no expectations with him and I (similar to my lack of expectations with J and I). We will see what happens.

I know it sounds contradictory to potentially start dating someone as I was saying that I'm going to focus on me. Well, it's not. I can't pass up an opportunity to be with someone great and who I connect with, but I can prevent it from controlling my life. I'm going to take things slow and allow myself to have me time and do me. Also, I'm not going to keep waiting for J--it's unfair to me. I do love J a lot and will continue to love him, but I can't put my life on hold. He has to show me that he wants more and start building a relationship with me in order for me to stop looking for other love.

2015 is all about moving forward and finding happiness and I'm excited to see what it brings!

Goals and Resolutions for 2015

Last year was an interesting year that was full of ups and downs. The first half was mainly up, but the second half was mainly down. But overall, it was a good year and I learned a lot about life, love, the world, and myself. As I look forward to the upcoming year, my thoughts have turned to what I want to get out of life. There is a lot. I have a lot of hopes, dreams, goals, and desires for my future life, but a lot of those goals cannot be achieved within a year. I have to set-up smaller goals to eventually get to my major life goals. This next year, I'm going to work on me--work to achieve happiness and to ready myself for my life goals. Below is a list a of what I would like to accomplish and what habits I would like to gain this next year.

1. Overall sense of happiness and passion for life again... Live meaningful and full of life
2. Go camping or take a trip outside of the city at least once a month
3. Start swimming and competing regularly again
4. Work out a couple of times a week with my best friend
5. Be more open and honest with my friends and family about my struggles, sadness, happiness, gratitude, basically everything
6. Ask for help when I need it
7. Learn to better accept love and let go of others faults
8. Read a book each month
9. Start attending cooking/baking classes (do a 4 classes this year)
10. Start doing more medical work, specifically in primary care
11. Reorganize my life and remove the unnecessary clutter (i.e. physical, mental, emotional)
12. Learn to speak Spanish more fluently
13. Publish a paper by the end of the 2015/2016 school year
14. Let potential lovers do more chasing instead of me doing all the chasing
15. Allow myself to be taken care of more and quitting taking too much care of others

Currently, my major life goals are to become a primary care physician who specializes in diet, get married and have children, never sacrifice my life for my career, move back west (it's my home), explore the world around me, and to make the world a better place. This is what I want in my life and I have to be open in order to recognize what will allow me to achieve these goals. 

Here's to an amazing 2015 ahead of me and all of you!

UPDATE:
I forgot one important goal/resolution. I want use technology and social media less. I'm slowly removing myself from facebook and plan to only get on every now and then and I'm going to remove myself from my phone. I don't want to be a slave to technology and live in the moment/enjoy my life instead of living through others.

Coming Out: The early years and accepting myself

My coming out story is a complex one. It’s hard to determine where to start because coming out for me was six years in the making. I guess that I will just start when I started to notice that I was different than other boys. This occurred at a young age for me, maybe eight? I’m not entirely sure. But I noticed it at a young age. I was always wanting to play house, Barbies, My Little Ponies, etc. with the neighborhood girls. I enjoyed that aspect of make believe over toy guns, wars, and sports. That’s not to say that I didn’t enjoy going for bike rides, roller blading, catching lizards, and typical boy activities with the neighbor boys. I guess that I had a good healthy mixture of doing both activities, but I was never as close to the boys as with the girls. I remember feeling different and awkward at times around the boys. As I grew older, most of my best friends were girls. I loved spending time with them and they tended to be more tomboys, which allowed me to be both feminine and masculine. It was a great way to grow up and helped be cultivate both my feminine and masculine sides.

I developed my first crush in fourth grade. His name was Robert. He was popular, cute, and sweet. He was one of the only popular boys who were nice to me. He would invite me to play sports with them and he would sometimes sit with me at lunch. I enjoyed his company and would think about him a lot. At the time, I thought that I just really wanted to be his friend and to become popular; however, as I have looked back, it is so obvious that I had a crush on him. I used to fantasize about hanging out with him and nobody else—being best friends. I had a crush on him for many years and other crushes developed too. They tended to be the popular boys who were the most attractive at school.

In seventh grade, I started to explore my sexuality. I discovered pornography and learned very quickly that I didn’t like straight porn. Within a couple of weeks, I found and was watching gay porn. This occurred throughout all of my teenage years with my parents catching me a couple of times, but I lied my way out it. This was the first step of my coming out process. This is when I first questioning if I was gay, but I remained in complete denial. I didn’t want it to be true. I didn’t want that to be the reason why I was different than the other boys and why I felt that I was the only Mormon who felt this way. As I grew up, I was angsty when it came to the topic of my sexuality. I would punish myself with scripture study, prayers, and service in order to get rid of the gay. I did everything that I could so that I could understand myself or change. I was in denial. I didn’t want to be gay, let alone different.

Over the years, I started to realize that I wasn’t going to change and that God wasn’t going to change me. This was when I was about sixteen. I started to be ok with the fact that I am gay. I started to call myself gay in my head. I didn’t really know what it meant though. I knew that I liked men and fantasized about them and I knew that I this was part of who I am—nothing that I could do would change that fact because I already had gone through it. My crushes became even stronger and I started to joke with friends by pretending to be gay at times. I almost ended up confessing my big secret to a guy friend, but I couldn’t do it. As I started accepting myself, I became happier and started loving life again.

I graduated from high school without coming out, but I came close to coming out to some friends a couple of times. When I entered college, things changed drastically for me. I didn’t feel the pressure to hide anymore and I was ready to reveal my secret.

Escape

A lot has transpired since J and I decided to take a break from one another. First of all, I passed my thesis proposal on Monday! This was a huge step and a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. I feel like this was a huge source of my unhappiness. Since I have finished it, I don’t feel as stressed about lab and I feel like I can start moving forward in my research. It has been amazing to feel good and that I accomplished something worthwhile again. I’ve missed that feeling.

Besides that, I have been going to therapy and been doing a lot of thinking because of it. I have started to realize that I need to have escapes from reality—these escapes help keep me balanced and centered. I’ve always had these in the past in high school and college, but have since lost them. These escapes can be almost anything that doesn’t feel routine to me. These include getting lost in the world of Eorzea in Final Fantasy XIV, reading a book, coming home to Utah, leaving the bubble I live in, escaping into nature, leaving NYC, sitting on top of a roof, swimming in the pool, cooking/baking, and spending quality time with friends. These escapes save me. They allow me to remove parts of my stress and realize that the world is much bigger than everything that is going on in my life.

I was going to move out of my current apartment in student housing and move into an “adult” apartment within the city at the end of this school year, but I’m not sure if that is going to happen anymore. Moving out will significantly increase my cost of living and I won’t have as much money to do the escapes that I want to do. I want to start going camping upstate, which isn’t cheap. I will have to rent a car and buy some gear, but I think sacrificing moving out of the dorm housing and spending time escaping into nature will be better for me. Then if I could get friends to go with me, I’ll be able to form amazing bonds with them away from the city, technology, and the hustle and bustle of the city. I’ve decided that I need to have at least one escape a month with or without friends.

I feel good about making more escapes in my life and other decisions that I have been making. These active choices will bring me more happiness and help me get back to my old self and away from the self that NYC has transformed me into. I’m ready to be healed and the first healing is taking place with my journey back to Zion. I’m excited to be back.

Losing Passion

A lot of my unhappiness stems from the fact that I am losing the passion and drive in my life. I am stagnating and feel like I am in a rut. I am no longer passionate about science. I loath doing experiments that fail, data analysis, writing grants, reading papers, etc. I just don't enjoy it like I used to. I have been trying to figure out what it is and why I have lost my interest in it. I can't fully place my finger on it and I wish that I could so that I can fix it. Here are some of my thoughts and ideas as to why I just don't care about science anymore.

I feel like a slave and that I am never doing enough. When I was at BYU doing undergraduate research, I loved going into lab. It was always fun and I enjoyed reading papers and coming up with new ideas. I never felt like I was tied down in the lab and I could work as little or as much as I pleased. At the NIH, I didn't like my research experience very much, but I attributed that to the fact that I didn't particularly enjoy my project, my boss, and my co-workers--I could never jive and connect with them and I felt like an outsider. But as I experience graduate school more and struggle through my PhD, I am coming to realize that I didn't like my time at the NIH and research here at school because I feel like I am a slave. I am supposed to be doing experiments constantly and performing the necessary data analysis. If I am not busy, there is always this pressure to do experiments and start new ones. Then when I get the chance to read journal articles, I am too burned out to even look at science. The intellectual aspect is gone and no longer a part of research for me. I don't feel like a student and I don't feel like I can take the time to spend learning that I want to. I need to be working and producing results. Basically, I feel like I can never doing enough work and that I should always be doing more.

In that same stream of thought, I think another reason why I am unhappy is because there are no markers for success in graduate school. I have been working hard on a project for over a year, but I feel like I have nothing to show. I gave a presentation a couple months ago about my work and people were impressed, but then brought up a lot of other experiments that I need to do in order to make it even better and publishable. While this great, it makes me feel like I am not achieving anything--there is always something more to be done. Throughout my whole life, there have been markers (i.e. tests, end of semesters, grades, etc.) that have given me markers of success. Now, I have none. There is nothing to show for my work. Every day I work hard and seem to never achieve much. It's exhausting and it's causing me to burn out. I struggle to know if what I am doing is going to be worth it and if I am succeeding at it. Sigh... graduate school is just tiring me out because of the lack of success.

The last big bit of my unhappiness with my current situation lies in the fact that my passion is currently in medicine. I see my classmates that I entered with going on interviews and getting ready to start their careers while I am stuck at school. Additionally, I no longer see myself doing research on a specific disease. My passion is in primary care. I want to get involved in holistic and preventative medicine. I don't want to get caught up in sub-specialities and prescriptions. I want to stop disease before it starts, instead of treating disease once it has already been established. Disease research is at the pinnacle of sub-specialization and it is very focused on one disease and problem. I don't see a future being hyper-focused. I seem myself interacting and helping a lot of people at the bottom of the pyramid. Medicine needs to change from the bottom up and I hope to be a part of that change. Because my passion lies in medicine and there is currently not much that I can do in medicine, it is hard to come to work every day when I know that I would rather be somewhere else.

I need to figure out ways to gain passion in science again because I still have 4.5 years left in my program. I am working on being happier, but if all of this doesn't work out. I'll probably just quit, travel the world, and open a bakery.

On A Break

It's been awhile since I have written. I have a lot that has been on my mind, but I haven't had the heart to share it all. I guess that I needed to process everything before I wrote it down.

Well, soon after I wrote my post about being insecure, J broke off our dating relationship. He told me that he couldn't handle the stresses of both a relationship and school at the same time right now, and that he needed to focus on school. He said that he could still see a future relationship with me, but that right now wasn't the right timing. When he first told me, I was doing everything that I could to convince him not to end it and to remain with me, instead of just be close friends. He stuck to his guns and left. I spent a couple weeks processing everything and I felt strangely good about his decision. I felt sad that I was losing him at this moment, but for the most part, I felt good, albeit a little bit melancholy. During this time, I realized that he made the right decision and that we needed a break from one another.

We met up after a couple weeks and went to an Affirmation Thanksgiving together. It was wonderful being with him again and I didn't feel any awkwardness. It felt normal to me and that nothing had changed. After the Thanksgiving, we drove around and talked. We had a great conversation about us and our future. I told him about my feelings towards him and everything that he said to me. It was good that I was able to get everything off my chest. We both decided to take a break, a step back to being close friends, and meet up with one another again in Utah at Christmas. I think that this will be good for us.

A break will allow us to become stronger on our own and be more ready for a relationship with one another, if we go that route again. He needs to spend time becoming more confident with medical school and I need to find happiness again--I have been terribly unhappy the past six month with all aspects of my life besides J. We will become what we are meant to become after this time apart. J is a wonderful man and I would consider myself lucky to call him mine, but if we remain only friends, I will still consider myself lucky to call him a close friend.

It's been about a month since we have been on our break and it has been difficult at times, but it has been mostly good. I have started therapy and I am learning a lot about myself, some that I already knew but didn't know how it affected those around me. I wake up most mornings thinking about J and what's going on his life and if everything is ok with him. I wonder if he is thinking about me. I went home for Thanksgiving, which was wonderful to spend time with my family and talk with them, but also melancholy. I have a lot of great memories with J in Utah and I wanted to share them with him again, but couldn't. This made me sad and nostalgic. Hopefully, I'll be able to share those memories with him again when we meet up in a couple weeks.

I miss him, but I know that things will work out and we will become what we are meant to become.