The T

I have not actually written down my feelings for awhile and I'm working on the changing that. I've noticed that I've been hiding behind other things like books, tv shows, movies, running, rallies, marches, and other things to keep me busy and really prevent me from processing what is going on in my life. I believe that I'm avoiding my feelings and emotions. I'm making it a goal to write on this blog every week. I'm shooting for Sunday mornings after I do my long runs.

So what's the T? What am I avoiding processing? Why am I avoiding these topics? I guess it's just best to dive in...

Over Christmas break, we found out that my mom has breast cancer. It was an extremely difficult thing to hear. It happened the Thursday before Christmas and I think in the worst way. Instead of bringing her in for an appointment, they just told her over the phone. The woman who called was very nice, but she didn't know anything about it. She said that we would have to wait until next week in order to get answers from the doctor. She gave us the shittiest Christmas present of all.

As soon as we found out, I called and changed my flight. Delta was so great and super helpful in the process. They didn't charge me any fees and upgraded me to Delta comfort. I was super impressed and highly recommend flying Delta. Anyway, I digress...

Christmas was a sad time and had a darkness over it that wouldn't go away. There was little joy in opening presents and spending time with one another. It was very difficult. The worst part was that my parents won't even be able to use the present that my brother and I gave them. We bought them tickets for a European vacation and now my mom will be going through chemotherapy instead of enjoying places that she's always wanted to go to and see. It's so depressing.

The doctor appointment that I attended went well and they were very on top of everything, which I was very impressed with. I know that she is in good hands. The other appointments that I missed seemed to go well as well from what I heard from my parents. So I have full faith and trust in the doctors.

It has been a whirlwind of a month with diagnosis and treatment already starting. I flew home to be there for her first treatment, but wasn't there nearly long enough. She really struggled and it was difficult to see her in the shape that she was in. What hurt the most is that I had to leave her in that weak state, that I couldn't be there to take care of her. She especially needed me as I was leaving because she broke down and told me that she couldn't do it anymore. That she wanted to be done. That was after the first treatment and she still has 5 more to go. My heart broke. I don't want to see her give up. I need to be strong for her.

I don't have a problem being strong for her and my family. I can do that. I can be the calm and collected one. I can be the medical person who makes sure everything is ok and I can be the mom that makes sure that my mom and family has everything that they need. I can do that.

The problem is that I can't be strong all the time. I wish that I had someone supporting me, holding me while I'm crying, telling me that everything will be ok, making dinner for me, taking me out on dates to help me forget for a time (instead of my going alone). I just need someone there. I have wonderful friends who are supporting me and I love them dearly, but they are busy as well and have their own lives. It would be so nice to have a partner in this.

A whole other post will be about how I'm missing JP a lot, but I will say that this didn't spark it, even though it has helped intensified it a bit. I wish he was still in my life and being there for me. But this isn't the case and there is no way that I want to start another relationship right now. So I just have to go through this with the support that I receive from my family and friends, which is probably the best thing for me. I need to reach out to them a little more often.