Missing Him...

I've known that I'm not over JP for a long time, but I was always trying to tell myself otherwise and it's become harder to ignore it with everything that is going on right now. The truth is that I think about JP every day. Many things that I do and see remind me of him and cause me to think about him.  I don't spend hours thinking about him like I used to, but he still feels like he is very much a part of my life still, so much that I miss, love, and care about him still.

He knows that my mom has cancer, and he has been very sweet by texting and checking in to see how she and I are doing. This has been hard for me. There is nothing more than I want than for him to be there with me through this. I would love to see his smile, feel his touch, and have his support through all of this. I want him to be my confidant, my support, my help, and part of my strength. BUT none of this will happen. He's not my boyfriend and he can't give me the things that I need and want from him.

People have asked me if it's him in particular that I want or just a boyfriend and I can honestly say it is him. I'm not missing the intimacy of a boyfriend. I missing the intimacy, friendship, and love I had with JP. In fact, I have no desire to start dating and find another boyfriend. I felt like I could tell JP anything and that before we started going south, he was there to support me. People have told me to turn to my friends, which I have, but it's not the same. There is something missing from the love and support that I receive from them. I honestly just want JP back in my life.

I've been keeping my distance from him to allow me the time and space to move on, but he always keeps coming back and checking in on me, which I love and hate. It has made me confused and makes me wonder if he is missing me as well, if he is wanting to rekindle our relationship, if he has changed, if he is different than we left off, if he is trying to be just a good friend or something more, and so many other questions. I question what his motives are, because he owes nothing to me, but continues to reach out. I hate that I question him and I love that he is reaching out.

Since he has been reaching out, I asked him to chat with me sometime, which he agreed to. I'm looking forward to catching back up with him and hopefully gaining some clarity on the topic and just connect with him again. My main goal is to connect with him. I don't want to make our conversation more serious than it has to be and about my questions of his motives. I feel like talking him and seeing his actions will make his motivations clear.

Despite everything that he and I have been through, I still love him deeply and am not over him. I would love to have him back in my life, but first I would have to see that he has changed. I can't go running back into a bad relationship, especially right now because I'm emotionally exhausted and fragile with everything that is currently going on.