Is Your Mom Ok?

"Is your mom ok?"

"How is your mom doing?"

"Can I do anything for your mom?"

I get these questions asked of me almost every day from various friends and family. While I appreciate their concern, it is becoming frustrating. Frustrating because my mom's health doesn't change much day to day. Frustrating because the focus is always on her. Frustrating because a lot of people don't ask how I'm doing. Frustrating because when people do ask how I'm doing, it is always overshadowed by their concern for my mother.

I hate that I am feeling frustrated and it makes me feel a little bit selfish, but it is the truth and I shouldn't feel that way. I am not being taken care of the way that I need to be taken care of, and that is just important as taking care of my mom. 

I don't think that I've had a real conversation with anyone about how I am truly doing. When someone asks, I try to open up about my feelings a bit, but I do not pour my heart out to them. The sad part is that when I do talk about a few things, people generally never ask follow up questions. They just leave what I said and move on to my mom or to other topics. 

I really wish that I had someone to pour my heart out to. Someone that I could cry with. Someone that could tell me that it will be alright. Someone that would hold me when I become overwhelmed. Someone to get my mind off of things for a few hours. I need find someone.

My father and brother haven't been helpful. Whenever I try to talk to them, I just get more frustrated because they tell me that I should just stay in NYC if I'm stressed out. They don't understand that I'm telling them my feelings because I need their support. I can't tell my mom all of this because she isn't very strong. The last time I was in Utah and heading back to NYC, my mom broke down in tears and told me that she couldn't do this and that she wanted to give up. How can I put my own burden and struggles upon her? I can't. I have to be strong for her.

Right now, I'm left with nobody. This is one reason why I am writing again. It allows me to express my feelings and emotions. I just wish that I had someone real instead of a computer to provide the support that I need.